To not get up at the same time as my dh??????

[Dalrymps]

Dh and I have just had a row as he says that I get to 'rest and relax' during the day when ds sleeps (not actually true, sometimes I have a little break but most of his nap time is filled with little jobs round the house and usually a shower etc). He also stated that I 'don't respect the fact he has to get up early for work in a morning and go out to work'.

He gets up at 6.30am (closer to 7am if i'm honest after snoozing his alarm). I say bye and go back to sleep until ds 13mo wakes up and then I get up with him and eat breakfast with him etc. This tends to be around 8.30am or sometimes if he's tired 9am. He's a good sleeper.

He says I should get up when he does and 'get myself ready' before ds wakes and have my shower then instead of when ds has his 1st nap then I can 'pull my weight more' . I am not a lazy person but don't consistently do exactly the same jobs round the house everyday, I just do what I see needs doing as and when I can, some things get done, some don't, depends on what kind of day I have had with ds.

Dh finished work at 4.30, he usually feeds ds his tea and helps out generally with him once home, we take it in turns to put him to bed.

He says he never gets 5 mins (not true), I just don't think he can fully appriciate what it is like to look after a 13mo all day when he is in to EVERYTHING the moment your back is turned. If he is watching ds on a weekend he gets frustrated after an hour of watching him but won't give me credit for watching him all day when he's at work. I know he gets breaks at work where they all sit chatting with tea in the office but he tries to make out he doesn't and he always tries to make out he works harder than me. If I point out to him that I work just as hard as him and he can't possibly understand as he's never looked after ds for a whole day without at least a little help from me he just replies with 'well you have no idea what it's like for me to go out to work, why don't you go out and get a job'.

I have had plenty jobs and have worked hard in all of them, we decided I would be a full time mum for the moment whilst ds is young but it just feels like he is constantly jealous of the fact I 'get to stay at home and have it easy'

So... Am I being unreasonable?

I feel that so far the message i'm getting is that we are both being a little unreasonable...

I also have to say if im honest I find it very hard getting up in the morning, have recently recovered from PND when it was worse and I think i've just got used to this routine.

Aah, the PND explains a lot. Well a weekend away with friends will remind you who you used to be. I had PND too with DS1 and didn't feel myself until DS1 was 18 months.

Perhaps then the problem is more that he doesn't think the job you are doing as a SAHM is as taxing as his job?

As you both did the same job before I guess you must have some understanding of how hard his job is and perhaps because he has no perception of how hard your job is he genuinely thinks you do have more time to relax than he does?

Maybe you could sacrifice one of your weekends and leave your DS in your husbands sole care while you go away somewhere. Seems it would be worth sacrificing one weekend together if you think he needs to see how demanding your job is?

Ah, the PND makes a difference. If this is what keeps you healthy at the moment then all for it, you should both be working towards keeping your family happy and healthy. Perhaps you could comprimise by also having a shower in the evening which would give you a littke more time in the morning without meaning you have to get up early?

I know, I know, I have it good, he works really good hours and comes home for lunch. I really appreciate this as until ds was 5 mo he worked an hour away doing 12hr shifts 3 on 3 off and I had ds for 12 hours a day and for some reason I did used tog et up in a morning with dh then and make his breakfast so I don't know how we've fallen in to this routine.

I really do know how lucky I am to have such a supportive dh and he really does to all he can. I guess what annoyed me this evening is that we keep having this same argument over and over, he thinks he works harder than me and I think we work just as hard as each other. I don't like it when he makes out I do less than I actually do just because he's never spent a day doing what I do.

I guess I just wish he knew in what ways my day can be hard sometimes. The main issue is feeding ds, he has serious weight gain issues and it is a terrible, frustrating experience trying to feed him as he is so so fussy. Obviously this is why dh usually feeds him his tea as the other 2 meals really take it out of me and get me down if he won't eat.

I know the PND makes a difference but I don't want to just blame that, I just want to stop arguing over this. I just want him to believe me whe I say I've had a hard day too. This whole argument started cause I said I'd had a difficult day with ds and when he got home he dissapeared upstairs (after feeding ds) and left me watching him just as I'd sat down to relax for 5 mins and Ds started causing havock and I got frustrated that he can just go upstairs when he likes knowing i'm there to watch ds but when i'm here during the day I don't have that luxury, I have to take ds with me, even if I just need the loo!

YANBU.

No, YANBU - I'm envious of you having a ds who sleeps so late at his age, although at the moment our ds wouldn't be able to do that because we're both at work and he goes to a CM, since I returned from maternity leave at 10 months.

What's your current pattern at the weekends and on other days when dh isn't at work? What sort of time does your dh have off over Christmas?

YANBU. My dh gets up at about 6, as he likes being up early. He leaves for work before 8, and ds (20mths) tends to sleep in until 8.30 ish, so I don't get up until I absolutely have to. However, dh is in bed by 10, whereas I'm a night owl. Suits both of us.

He needs to support you and appreciate what you do at home with ds. His annoyance over the sleep issue is a symptom of a lack of appreciation for what you're doing IMO.

Maybe I was unusually lucky but my dh told me all the time how he was having it easy going to work; how he appreciated so much that DS was able to have his mum at home caring for him...he will still (DS is six now) get up before us and creep around so as not to wake us. Truly appreciating your partner means IMO that it is easier to WANT them to sleep in and have a rest when the opportunity is there.

Do you tell him alot that you appreciate what he does in working so that you can provide what you think ds needs, ie you at home? Sometimes it's a case of showing appreciation in order to get it back. Just like dealing with kids in a way - but I guess we all like to be appreciated.

Totally, totally agree that he needs time sole caring; I'd say at least one morning or afternoon EVERY weekend, having sole care.

Your DH and mine must have been separated at birth . I was nagged at for months for this.

You are totally NBU if it suits you better to get up later. What difference does it make to your DH?

I recently accepted that actually it might be better for me if I got up earlier just so I could get myself sorted before DP left for work. But whenever DP is away I don't get up till DS does - he's a lazybones who often doesn't wake till 8.30. I tell myself I'll be a better, more patient parent if I've had more sleep

Ah, see we have to go to bed together, we always have a cuddle before sleep awww. Dh works 2 saturdays a month, occasionally 3. On a sat it's just 8-12 though so a half day. If he's working a sat which he mostly is then I get up with ds and he gets up with him on the sun and feeds him. If he's off we might do one day each.

YABU. Sorry.

YANBU. Why the hell should you get up at the same time as him just to assuage his feelings of envy?

It's a tough one. I understand why he's irritated but he really doesn't have to feel jealous cause my day isn't all sunshine and roses as he would like to believe.

I do tell him almost constantly that I appreciate him working to support us as a family and that I don't know how he drags himself out fo bed to go etc etc. I like to theink I have a lot of empathy for others, sometimes to the point I don't take good enough care of myself. He also tells me how much he appreciates me when he's in a good mood but occasionally this argument comes up.

Sometimes I say, ok i'll get a job then and you look after ds and then he says no, I couldn't do what you do. So, really, I don't know what he's on about?!

Anyway, thanks for all your help. I'll try to make things a bit more equal, we'll discuss things. Off to bed a bit earlier tonight so he can get more rest. Night all x

Why do you not want to get up and have a bit of time with your husband at the start of the day?
TBH it does seem a tad unreasonable to just expect to get an extra couple of hours in bed rather than getting up with your husband, or getting on with other stuff in the house. Marriage is a partnership!
As PND has been an issue, it's maybe even MORE important to get yourself up and moving in the mornings. Lying in bed can often be the worst thing.
I don't think it's a case of your husband being 'envious' as colditz suggests. If he is then it's obviously a deeper issue and maybe he's not happy with his work life balance, in which case you need to discuss it and maybe agree some changes - eg him having more childcare responsibilities and you working. But it doesnt sound as though that's the case - it seems more that your hard working husband would just like some time with you!!

We don't get up at the same time because he works shifts and we have a newborn.

He's been off but he'll need to go back on Wed. and work Xmas.

I don't buy this 'get myself ready'.

Sorry, I don't, and my mother was a SAHM all her life after we were born and my dad for the most part has a 9-5 job.

We swap out.

We both like a lie in. So, on mornings when he is not working, we do one person lies in till 10 and then the next night the other person does.

My DH was a SAHD for 4 years.

I never saw it as 'having it easy'.

Bullshit.

I'd leave him on his own with the kids for an entire day and then he'd see how fucking 'easy' it is.

"he thinks he works harder than me"

Ok we have all established that that is simply not true.
You BOTH decided that you would stay at home, presumably because you felt it would be a benefit to your child. He needs to "keep his eye on the prize" so to speak, and remember that although you don't get paid, what you do is priceless for your child.
Sorry, I think he is being a baby. The whining variety, not the sweet variety.

findtheriver...my dh used to get up much earlier than I did, and I could say, hand on heart that he would not want me up with him earlier in the day. The poor man was scared to kiss me good bye

....I think you are right, OP.

You are both being a little unreasonable.

At least you realise it, though...

When the lovely (if fearsome) Mrs goth was alive we had some very similar disagreements. Like your DH, I was quite 'hands on' and involved, but also worked full time plus.

...I didn't realise then, as I bet your DH does not, just how HARD it is being responsible for your children all day, yet alone all the myriad tasks that go with sorting the house. In a sense being a 'hands on' part time parent makes that sensation worse. This is because one has (I had) the feeling that the childcare/homeduties lark is pretty easy really.

It IS easy, if you are only doing it briefly before handing it all back...

...so you should give him credit for his input. Many men do not do what he does. However he should try and be aware of how much is on you too....

YANBU.

Am I the only one who thinks Dalrymps' dh is missing having his breakfast made for him?

i dont think yabu.
enjoy your time.
time will pass and one day you will have to get up and get dc to school/nursery whatever.
so just relish it while you can. you wont get the time back

Dal send dh to me he will have a short sharp shock lol.

My dp and I have an agreement...which has been in place now for over 2 years. When he was working nights he would come home from work and together we would either walk ds1 to school or when we got our car and i was pg with ds2 he would take ds1 to school. and that was after a 12hr shift. Now he is not working (new job for January the 5th yippee) He gets up in the morning just after I do, about 15 minutes, In that time i have changed ds2 if he is awake and made my morning coffee..... ALERT STAY AWAY FROM TLES IF SHE HAS NOT HAD HER COFFEE LOL.

DP then takes ds1 to school comes home loads dishwasher if i haven't. I load washing machine...we take it in turns to cook but i have to admit mainly dp does it lol. My "job" so to speak is to look after ds1 and ds2. Bascially we share things. And I get up if ds2 wakes in the night as i know dp is doing a big favour driving ds1 to school otherwise i would have to get on one of those red cattle trucks!!!!

So dal hunni send him to me he will come ome a changed man lmao xxx

I am with minkyborage on this issue- stick it up his arse! I hate the idea of one person saying boohoo I've got it hard so you should too- it's so childish. He should be supporting you getting as much rest as you can. When it gets to the point where you are knackered and resentful and don't want sex anymore, he'll be sorry he ever entered this competition! What happened to wanting to look after your partner?

Oh, and I haven't seen 6.30am since I stayed up till then getting pissed with DP- no way is that a civilised time to be awake unless you are a) breastfeeding, b) being paid for it, or c) having a lot of fun...tell him to wind his neck in!