To not get up at the same time as my dh??????

[Dalrymps]

Dh and I have just had a row as he says that I get to 'rest and relax' during the day when ds sleeps (not actually true, sometimes I have a little break but most of his nap time is filled with little jobs round the house and usually a shower etc). He also stated that I 'don't respect the fact he has to get up early for work in a morning and go out to work'.

He gets up at 6.30am (closer to 7am if i'm honest after snoozing his alarm). I say bye and go back to sleep until ds 13mo wakes up and then I get up with him and eat breakfast with him etc. This tends to be around 8.30am or sometimes if he's tired 9am. He's a good sleeper.

He says I should get up when he does and 'get myself ready' before ds wakes and have my shower then instead of when ds has his 1st nap then I can 'pull my weight more' . I am not a lazy person but don't consistently do exactly the same jobs round the house everyday, I just do what I see needs doing as and when I can, some things get done, some don't, depends on what kind of day I have had with ds.

Dh finished work at 4.30, he usually feeds ds his tea and helps out generally with him once home, we take it in turns to put him to bed.

He says he never gets 5 mins (not true), I just don't think he can fully appriciate what it is like to look after a 13mo all day when he is in to EVERYTHING the moment your back is turned. If he is watching ds on a weekend he gets frustrated after an hour of watching him but won't give me credit for watching him all day when he's at work. I know he gets breaks at work where they all sit chatting with tea in the office but he tries to make out he doesn't and he always tries to make out he works harder than me. If I point out to him that I work just as hard as him and he can't possibly understand as he's never looked after ds for a whole day without at least a little help from me he just replies with 'well you have no idea what it's like for me to go out to work, why don't you go out and get a job'.

I have had plenty jobs and have worked hard in all of them, we decided I would be a full time mum for the moment whilst ds is young but it just feels like he is constantly jealous of the fact I 'get to stay at home and have it easy'

So... Am I being unreasonable?

I can see where you are coming from OP, but I agree with some of the others that it must be a bit soul destroying for DH to get up and trudge off in the cold and the dark every morning while you are snug in bed.

I'll probably lie in tomorrow if DD lets me - it's my day off. But on workdays I get up at the same time as DH, and if I was a full time SAHM I'd like to think I'd still get up with him sometimes to show a bit of solidarity, and that he'd do the same for me if the boot were on the other foot.

It's nice to have someone make you a cup of tea in the morning, and say 'Have a nice day'.

Soeey but the 'anti-mess' propaganda is just more 'women, learn to love housework it;s your desitny' bullshit.
I have always had stuff everywhere and done minimal housework, yet I hold down jobs, have friends, enjoy life. I just think I am frankly, too valuable to waste my time scurrying round with dusters so I'm not going to fall for it.

I often work late at night after the children have gone to bed. Do you think it is dh's duty to sit up for hours just so I don't feel he is getting more sleep than me?

This is a bit of a tough one and I don't think there's really one right answer. I think it very much depends on the individual.
I work three days a week and am up for nearly an hour before anyone else. It's lovely to have the place to myself and just having myself to get ready and out the door!
Often on my days off DH will encourage me to have a lie-in. Bu that never happens. DS gets up earlyish and even if he didn't I like to be up and about and dressed early. I don't feel good if I'm not.I also like to get as much housework as I can done before DS gets up (that rarely happens tho). As others have said, I feel shit when the house is a mess. For other people mess doesn;t matter - that's entirely up to them.
I think the OP is entitled to her lie-ins. As someone else said, they won't happen for long and she might as well take them while she can. And looking after a toddler all day is far from easy. Chances are her DH's job is less demanding. BUT to show some solidarity, I do think OP should get up early and let her DH have the lie-ins when he's off.

Hi, lotd of posts since I was last on! Haven't got time to answer all individually, sorry.

I will say that I agree with whoever said I don't need to tell you what jobs I do all day or justify myself to anyone.

What I will say is that after thinking aboubt it I would say the jobs in this house are split pretty much 50/50. We both do what we can when we can, there are certain jobs I always do and certain jobs dh always does. For instance, always clean the bathroom and he always empties the kitchen bin. I would say I do 90% of the clothes washing and manual washing up (we have a dishwasher but I like to handwash all ds's stuff as it never seems to get cleaned properly in the dishwasher).

I don't feel I need to be reminded that 'being a couple is being a team' because we are very much a team, have always been and will always strive to treat each other equally.

I also don't appreciate being told 'maybe your dh wants to spend some time with you in the morning' as if that hadn't already crossed my mind?! I spend nearly all my time wit him, we have always been a close couple like that, thats why we make a point of having quality time together every evening and cuddling before going to sleep at night, he is my best friend.

I believe the only reason that he said in anger that I should get up at the same time as him is that he just wants me to because he has to get up then, pure and simple. He was under the impression that my day is easier than his and therefore I should get my arse out of bed when he does. It was not said because he wants to spend time with me in the morning. I do wake when he leaves everyday and I have a conversation with him, I tell him to have a nice day and that I love him and I give him a kiss and a cuddle

To be honest, the part of his argument I was most offended by was the suggestion he does more than me. It is simply not true and the reason he believed it to be in the heat of the moment is, as I said, because he hasn't had ds all day on his own.

We have made up, always do soon after, I don't believe in sulking. He said that he didn't mean everything he said and I said that if he really wanted I would get up with him in the morning no problem at all. He said he really didn't want me to do this.

Someone mentioned that I have it easy with ds sleeping in now but it might not always be this way. Yes, I know, why do you think i'm making the most of it now! I am fully aware that any day he could start waking at the crack of dawn and I would have to get him up then, thats fine, thats my job. I wouldn't resent dh if he stayed in bed cause I care for him and would want him to get as much rest as poss before work.

Hope i've answered some of the questions there, let me know if I've missed any big ones.

I agree with you that the only issue here was your DH's view that going out to work was harder than being at home. Basically as I think I said before it's about you valuing eachother and what you do; and I do think it is very hard for him to value what you do, if he doesn't ever experience having to do it on his own! If I were you I'd be making plans for a LONG day of christmas shopping this saturday and leave the 'boys' at home......good luck

Dalrymps - good for you! You DH sounds like he was having an off morning and took it out on you - glad you've worked it out now.

Honestly, some really judgmental posts here, projecting their situation onto yours.

I get up in the morning to make my DH some coffee and toast while he is getting ready, otherwise he doesn't have time for breakfast. He gets up at 5.45, and at the moment he rarely gets home before 10.00, let alone into bed! But if he has had an early night and a lie in in the morning, then he can go and take a long walk off a short jetty if he thinks I'm bringing him breakfast and coffee!!! (although he does sometimes ask, cheeky sod!)

But that's what I do, because his work is so full on at the moment. I would never dream of advising other women that that's what they should be doing because their situations would be different to mine.

(Although I do crawl back into bed and hibernate until DS gets up later!!!)

well having been a SAHM and a WOHM (in two different enviroments) I can categorically say it is loads easier to get th ehousework done when you are working because their is loads less to do for a start.
if mess matters to you then don't project onto other people.
if getting up early because your dh prefers company at breakfast is your choice then don't confuse your choice with the right and moral thing to do.
I would personally rather stay in bed while I had the chance. I think there is more than a bit of envy and a great deal of judgy judgy on this thread.

blimey! terrible spelling
there, among others...

Definitely make the most of the lie ins.

Not sure what the difference is between getting up early for chores and napping later, or napping earlier and doing chores later ... swings and roundabouts iyam.

Soon enough the naps will get dropped. Soon enough you'll be up and at 'em for the school run.

Your DH just had an envious little blip but it doesn't make him a bad person. He'd love to stay in bed with you, that's all.

Sounds like you have it sorted anyway - just wanted to reinforce the message that you'r doing fine and not to take any of the slightly mad posts to heart....

Thanks ladies, yeah dh does go off on one occasionally but so do I!

I have taken some of these posts on board though and will try to use it to better my situation, after all, a marriage takes work and i'm sure there's always room for improvement.

I don't think i'm going to be able to get up earlier to shower as I will wake ds but I quite liked the suggestion of getting up a little earlier to do a bit of housework whilst not being interrupted before ds gets up so I might do that occasionally.

As has been pointed out, soon ds will sleep less and probably drop naps then it will get a lot more difficult, I am prepared for that though. Well, in fact I'm prepared for it to get a LOT harder soon cause we're ttc DC2 at the moment so then i'll not know what's hit me!

You can ROFL all you like, findtheriver. In my "demanding and interesting job" we worked flexi time and 30 minutes was deducted from the hours worked whether you took it or not because this was a legal requirement.

As for chores and housework, of course they don't need to be done between the hours of 9 and 3 but I like to spend the hours outside that time doing things with my children.

Don't make this into a "who has it hardest" rant because really, it's going nowhere. There are good and bad points of both sides.

What time does he actually leave?
Could you not get up and have a cup of tea with him then go back to bed?

I am PMSL at the very idea of considering that pre-departure hour an important time for Nurturing and Bonding.

Here in the Inferiority Complex the assorted inmates stumble grouchily about, dragging our blood sugar levels back to human level and snarling over who's got which bit of the paper before chivvying the children into coats and shoes. Conversation is not, shall we say, at its most civil.

For some people it is though MI.

The difference in DP when he leaves for work and I'm up is quite astounding actually.

When I was pg and during the summer when there was no reason for me to get up as long as the baby was asleep I would stay in bed but maybe bump into him going to the bathroom or something and he'd always seem less awake, and less happy.

Now the DC's are back at school he gets up before me, has a shower and then we have a cup of tea together whilst the children eat breakfast. He is a totally different person.

I thought he was just being difficult and lazy, tbh, wanting me to get up and make his breakfast, until I did it a few times myself.

He worked night shifts a few times and I got up, leaving him in bed, I couldn't stand it!

The house is cold and lonely and silent when everyone else is in bed, which doesn't set off a good mood for the day at all, I still felt half asleep myself on those days.

So now, when he has to go to work and I don't have to get up I always make the effort to go and have a cup of tea with him (but he also makes the effort to leave me in bed when he isn't working)

You got up and made his breakfast???

No, I'd sit with him and have a cup of tea. I'll make breakfast for everyone if I'm doing porridge for the kids or a load of toast under the grill, but I'm not getting out of bed and coming down to make his breakfast!

Gosh, I'd be jealous if my dh had 2 more hours sleep than me! That's not to say I would make him get up.

I don't really like to get up on my own, that's just me, luckily neither does dh. On the mornings I have to get up early he will get up and vice versa, but we usually do go to bed at the same time too (and are not sleep deprived!).

It depends on the people and the situation I think. When we have new baby if they wake up at 6am daily I would not expect dh to get up that early if I was feeding her or similar. Also when I was in first trimester and really exhausted I did sometimes stay in bed as just too tired.

Victoriansqualor - I feel like that when I get up on my own too, hence my relief I don't have a late sleeping dh!

I appreciate people trying to convince me that we should get up at the same time because of A, B and C but as I said before, we have discussed it and sorted it and all is hunky dory.

This is obviously a common argument or everyone would not be still discussing and debating it.

You could say 'poor dh, he gets up on his own' but when you think about it I actually have to get up on my own also. Ds is wonderful but I can't have a conversation with him. Every morning I get up, have a quick wee and brush my teeth, get ds up, change nappy, pick up post, let dog out, feed and water dog, make myself and ds breakfast, eat breakfast whilst feeding ds his. If i'm lucky i'll then get to sit for 15mins and drink my cold cup of tea I didn't have time to drink before due to feeding ds. I do all of this on my own but i'm not moaning about the lack of conversation and company.

As I said, dh doesn't want me to get up with him. To be honest, he gets up at 7ish, brushes teeth, very quickly gets dressed and grabs a very quick breakfast, he then leaves at 7.20 for work. I wouldn't have much time for more convertaion thn we already have when he gets up and we say our goodbyes so it' really not that big a deal.

well dandy, we will have to agree to differ than because I dont think that it was a harsh comment.

"You got up and made his breakfast???"

I never make DP's breakfast during the week. But he sometimes makes mine

Beginning to feel like I'm the odd one out here for actually enjoying having brekkie with my dh