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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not get up at the same time as my dh??????

149 replies

Dalrymps · 01/12/2008 21:08

Dh and I have just had a row as he says that I get to 'rest and relax' during the day when ds sleeps (not actually true, sometimes I have a little break but most of his nap time is filled with little jobs round the house and usually a shower etc). He also stated that I 'don't respect the fact he has to get up early for work in a morning and go out to work'.

He gets up at 6.30am (closer to 7am if i'm honest after snoozing his alarm). I say bye and go back to sleep until ds 13mo wakes up and then I get up with him and eat breakfast with him etc. This tends to be around 8.30am or sometimes if he's tired 9am. He's a good sleeper.

He says I should get up when he does and 'get myself ready' before ds wakes and have my shower then instead of when ds has his 1st nap then I can 'pull my weight more' . I am not a lazy person but don't consistently do exactly the same jobs round the house everyday, I just do what I see needs doing as and when I can, some things get done, some don't, depends on what kind of day I have had with ds.

Dh finished work at 4.30, he usually feeds ds his tea and helps out generally with him once home, we take it in turns to put him to bed.

He says he never gets 5 mins (not true), I just don't think he can fully appriciate what it is like to look after a 13mo all day when he is in to EVERYTHING the moment your back is turned. If he is watching ds on a weekend he gets frustrated after an hour of watching him but won't give me credit for watching him all day when he's at work. I know he gets breaks at work where they all sit chatting with tea in the office but he tries to make out he doesn't and he always tries to make out he works harder than me. If I point out to him that I work just as hard as him and he can't possibly understand as he's never looked after ds for a whole day without at least a little help from me he just replies with 'well you have no idea what it's like for me to go out to work, why don't you go out and get a job'.

I have had plenty jobs and have worked hard in all of them, we decided I would be a full time mum for the moment whilst ds is young but it just feels like he is constantly jealous of the fact I 'get to stay at home and have it easy'

So... Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

chocolatedot · 02/12/2008 09:26

I have always got up at the same time as DH (6.10) whether I'm working or not. It's nice to shower and dress and chat at the same time and it means that by the time the children are awake, I am completely ready and have had a chance to get everythign sorted out. It also means we are both ready to go to bed at the same time in the evening.

Bramshott · 02/12/2008 09:29

YANBU. It is no-ones business what time you get up. If your DH issue is that you're not spending enough time together, or that there are things not getting done around the house then that's a separate issue, not related to what time you get up.

I need more sleep than my DH, and really don't function well when I don't have enough sleep, so while he gets up at 6.45 and leaves at 7.30, I get up at 7.45 (was later when the DC were smaller). TBH I think DH would go hate it if the rest of us were crashing around early in the morning - he just gets himself up (and oh how I would love to start the day by just being responsible for getting myself up) and goes, then the rest of the morning mayhem starts once he's gone!

2pt4kids · 02/12/2008 09:30

harpsi - it really DOES matter how much stuff she does in the house during the day tbh.
If she has a 2 hour lie in every morning then does no housework all day and her DH is doing it all evening after getting up at 6.30am and being at work all day, then thats just plain lazy! (not saying she IS doing that, just that she could be and thats why its relevant!)

blueshoes · 02/12/2008 09:30

harpsi, if the OP does not manage to fit in housework during the day, she should wake up earlier to do it or stay up past her dc's bedtime to do it, assuming of course, her dh is also sharing in chores in the hours he is at home. Even half an hour can make a big difference.

At the very least, to have a fair deal, both OP and dh should be awake the same number of hours and productive over those hours, whether they be at work or at home.

I am prepared to be flamed - but when I was on year-long maternity leave, I managed to fit cooking and household chores, administration and planning around a very demanding baby, plus a nursery run - it just requires a little organisation and thought to the day.

blueshoes · 02/12/2008 09:31

I mean nursery run for my older dc - so I was really looking after 2 dcs, one baby and one at nursery.

redskyatnight · 02/12/2008 09:38

Just wondering ... what if your DS stopped sleeping in so late in the morning and started waking at 6am? Would you be happily getting up to him each morning and letting DH have his "lie in" or would you feel even a teeny tiny bit resentful?

DesperatelySeekingSanity · 02/12/2008 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueshoes · 02/12/2008 09:42

I wonder whether the OP is really saying that she needs more sleep. If allowed to, I would stay in bed for 9 hours or more (far more than I need). All I read the OP as saying is that she wakes up the same time as her ds, whether it be 8:30 or 9am. Redsky has a good point - what if OP's baby starts waking at 6 am ...

compo · 02/12/2008 09:44

it all changes anyway
I doubt your ds will sleep in s late the older he gets and soon enough you'll have to all get up earlier for the school run ect
so I would take your lie ins while you can
If he goes to playgroup at 2 and a half you haven't got much longer anyway

bozza · 02/12/2008 09:50

Bramshott in what way are not getting things done or not spending time with DH not related to what time the OP gets up? IMO they are all inter-related. And we have no information about bedtime. It maybe that the DH is going to bed at 11.00 and the Op at 12.30.

solidgoldbrass · 02/12/2008 10:02

Here is a golden rule for living with a partner (and of course the reason why I would never do any such thing myself). THe person who wants more housework to be done, gets to do it. SO the partner who goes out to paid employment doesn't get to be the 'owner' of the other partner or issue orders about the housework under any circumstances. Housework is 85% a complete waste of time and the obsession with it and the insistence that it is women's purpose and destiny is a huge longterm con perpetrated on women.
Mess doesn't matter.

Anna8888 · 02/12/2008 10:07

solidgoldbrass - I read a very interesting article recently which I will try to find again (I think it was in the Economist, maybe the FT) about scientific research that links order in one's physical environment with good mental health and mess with poor mental health...

Personally I have known this (from personal experience) for years. Mess (and especially other people's mess) negatively impacts mental well-being.

blueshoes · 02/12/2008 10:16

I am not particularly tidy, neither is my dh.

But Mess does Matter. I don't want to come home to an chaotic untidy dirty house - my stress levels immediately go through the roof and I start picking things up and tidying. I also notice my children's behaviour. If their play area is cluttered, they actually play less. Once tidied up, they start to reach for new toys and opens up a whole new strand of fun.

If you are tidy, your children will learn to be tidy and appreciate order and organisation. I hate losing things and wasting time looking for them because they were not put away properly. It also affects clarity of thinking.

Mess can affect you on a number of levels you are not even aware of.

babylovesmilk · 02/12/2008 10:17

I can understand where you are both coming from. What one person would be able to deal with another person won't - I need a lot more sleep tham my DH to function. I don't see the point in getting up when your DH does unless you want to. When I had DD1, we had a similar set up although DH came home at about 5.30 and never for lunch! Do what you need to do for you and your relationship!

branflake81 · 02/12/2008 11:00

Why don't you get up earlier with your DH whilst the baby sleeps? that way you both get time to yourselves without your child. Problem solved.

Although I think some of his comments are out of order, I don't think he is being completely unreasonable.

chocolatedot · 02/12/2008 11:56

I'm with Blueshoes and Anna8889, mess does matter and matters hugely. Feeling in control of your environment is very important for your well being and self esteem etc.

IME children can get very embarassed about living in a perpetually messy/ dirty home.

TheCrackFox · 02/12/2008 12:01

I grew up in a household that could have featured on "How Clean Is Your House". It was depressing and brought everyone in the family down. Looking back my mum must have been depressed. I never took anyone home as I was ashamed.

My home is generally quite clean and tidy (not freakishly so) and I know that it makes me feel better about life in general.

In regards to the OP the only person that wins the old "my life is harder than yours" is the divorce lawyers. You are supposed to be a team.

chocolatedot · 02/12/2008 12:35

Couldn't agree more thecrackfox about the team thing. So much of chore sharing is simply showing basic courtesy and consideration for those you love.

lucysnowe · 02/12/2008 13:10

WHY don't you compromise and get up early mondays and fridays or something?

thenewme · 02/12/2008 13:20

DandyLioness · 02/12/2008 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

findtheriver · 02/12/2008 18:19

SoupDragon - sorry have only just got in from work so couldnt reply earlier. Yes, I have school age children. But then I work, so my day extends well beyond 9 to 3!!! Am ROFL at the idea of taking the 'legal minimum' breaks - perhaps if you've only ever worked in the kind of job where you down tools and insist on 'your rights' then this would matter to you, but my job is far too demanding and interesting to be able to insist on my rightful lunchbreak. As for doing the laundry and housework... erm... you still do these things as a working parent you know - there's no rule that says they have to be done between the hours of 9 and 3

rookiemater · 02/12/2008 20:33

Well said, findtheriver. I was scanning this thread in my 30 min lunch break and thought how delightful it would be to have the luxury of 6 hrs ( ok perhaps 4 if we allow 1 hour for travelling and an hour for lunch) to do all the household chores rather than squeezing them into the evenings, weekends and my one day off with a 2.8 yr old/

Oh and on my day off, even if DS hasn't got up I do tend to get up and have breakfast with DH, even if I am wearing my dressing gown. He says he likes to have company at breakfast.

Nighbynight · 02/12/2008 21:57

dandy - thats why I used the conditional tense. It is not harsh, merely realistic. I well remember how I felt about having to get up in the morning while my ex slept in bed. My point is that the OPs dh MAY feel the same way.

rookiemater · 02/12/2008 22:11

Oh one thing to the OP, you may find that your days of long lies don't last forever. DS used to merrily sleep in to past 9.00 am when he was younger, once he hit 2 then started waking up much earlier.

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