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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get up at the same time as my dh??????

149 replies

Dalrymps · 01/12/2008 21:08

Dh and I have just had a row as he says that I get to 'rest and relax' during the day when ds sleeps (not actually true, sometimes I have a little break but most of his nap time is filled with little jobs round the house and usually a shower etc). He also stated that I 'don't respect the fact he has to get up early for work in a morning and go out to work'.

He gets up at 6.30am (closer to 7am if i'm honest after snoozing his alarm). I say bye and go back to sleep until ds 13mo wakes up and then I get up with him and eat breakfast with him etc. This tends to be around 8.30am or sometimes if he's tired 9am. He's a good sleeper.

He says I should get up when he does and 'get myself ready' before ds wakes and have my shower then instead of when ds has his 1st nap then I can 'pull my weight more' . I am not a lazy person but don't consistently do exactly the same jobs round the house everyday, I just do what I see needs doing as and when I can, some things get done, some don't, depends on what kind of day I have had with ds.

Dh finished work at 4.30, he usually feeds ds his tea and helps out generally with him once home, we take it in turns to put him to bed.

He says he never gets 5 mins (not true), I just don't think he can fully appriciate what it is like to look after a 13mo all day when he is in to EVERYTHING the moment your back is turned. If he is watching ds on a weekend he gets frustrated after an hour of watching him but won't give me credit for watching him all day when he's at work. I know he gets breaks at work where they all sit chatting with tea in the office but he tries to make out he doesn't and he always tries to make out he works harder than me. If I point out to him that I work just as hard as him and he can't possibly understand as he's never looked after ds for a whole day without at least a little help from me he just replies with 'well you have no idea what it's like for me to go out to work, why don't you go out and get a job'.

I have had plenty jobs and have worked hard in all of them, we decided I would be a full time mum for the moment whilst ds is young but it just feels like he is constantly jealous of the fact I 'get to stay at home and have it easy'

So... Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 02/12/2008 08:28

If you do a physically hard job your muscles need to relax/rest in order to repair them...

Anyway I am quite convinced of this, since I clearly expend a hugely much greater number of calories now than I ever did when sitting down in an office for 12 hours a day and also expend a hugely much greater number of calories than my (rather large, strong) DP. I am always hiking kilos of stuff around that I never did pre-children. With the resultant muscle pain.

Anna8888 · 02/12/2008 08:29

I comfort myself with the thought that I never, ever have to go to a gym

Nighbynight · 02/12/2008 08:33

oh god yes agree about gym. we just try to go out at weekends and climb the odd mountain in summer, or decend it speedily in winter to get the same effect

2pt4kids · 02/12/2008 08:36

I think whether you are being unreasonable or not depends entirely on whether you are 'pulling your weight' or not as your DH is saying.

If you lie in bed an extra hour or two in the mornings, then spend all day with your DS and not getting a chance to do anything round the house. Then when DH gets in from a days work and then he has to do washing up, cleaning etc and make tea for DS himslef as you havent done it then yes, YABU.

If however, you do your fair share or more during the day and he comes home to a reasonably organised house then no YANBU.

I'm a SAHM with two pre-schoolers and never get out of bed till the children wake me (DH leaves at 7am) but I fit everything essential in during the day and DH knows that, so no need for me to get up as early as him.

bozza · 02/12/2008 08:39

Anna you are only talking about city centre life here. I don't think it is the same for us with a more rural, car based lifestyle.

Actually though, I agree with findtheriver, and to an extent Anna - re the post saying a SAHM should do most of the household chores.

bellaBuonNatalevita · 02/12/2008 08:43

I do most of the household chores, but my DH would never have expected me or expect me now even though the children are older 11.5 & 9 to get up at the same time as him.

He certainly would not expect me to get up and help scrape the ice of the car with him - although I have on many occasions started his car for him to defrost it whilst he has been getting ready for work.

Anna8888 · 02/12/2008 08:43

We don't have enough info from the OP to know what chores there are or how they are divided in her household. And of course the extent of the physicality of SAHMdom is dependent on many things.

I do generally take issue with the idea that SAHMs are "sitting around at home" all day. There really aren't many SAHMs who have staff to look after every single one of their family's material needs and can spend their lives driving around from toddler group to coffee morning without a care in the world.

claw3 · 02/12/2008 08:46

Dalry - He has a bloody cheek, you dont tell him how and when to do his job and he shouldnt tell you how and when to do yours.

Nighbynight · 02/12/2008 08:49

claw - the point is that she cannot tell him what time to get up. He MUST get up at this time, or lose his job, he has no choice in the matter.
thats why it would be a nice gesture to show some solidarity.

Anna8888 · 02/12/2008 08:52

If I got up at 6.30 am with my DP on the two days a week he has to get up at 6.30 am I would be a wreck and not get anything done.

Nighbynight · 02/12/2008 08:52

Anna - there are loads of such SAHMs in Bavaria where I live. They are all in the cafes or the bio supermarkets in the mornings, or out Nordic walking with their friends. Or sitting at home quilting, or baking competitive cakes for christmas fairs, or making super-complicated hand made invitations for their dd's birthday parties.

Nighbynight · 02/12/2008 08:53

but just think how supported he would feel!

or would he get suspicious at such uncharacteristic behaviour?

claw3 · 02/12/2008 08:54

Nighby - I can appreciate that, but he is a grown man. He should be able to get up in the morning without someone to hold his hand.

I suppose she should have his pipe and slippers ready too when he gets home, I find it a bit 1950's.

Anna8888 · 02/12/2008 08:54

LOL at quilting. There are a few SAHMs that seem to spend a lot of time having plastic surgery in these parts. But most women are pretty busy here - hence they go out to work and leave the labour to the nounou.

Nighbynight · 02/12/2008 08:55

no, just teamwork, imo, but as I said below, I have done the working in the office role.

Nighbynight · 02/12/2008 08:56

posts xed.
when I retire, I am going to start making bucks point lace, with all the oooodles of time that I shall have.
plastic surgery, beuchh!

finknottle · 02/12/2008 08:58

(apols for hijack)
(NN, how's your s? Keep meaning to mail you)

Nighbynight · 02/12/2008 09:01

long story. I will update by email. one qu, should the test for visuelle störung be done at the augenarzt?
Must now take ds to lesetraining (he is still off school with open wound from surgery, they want it to heal from within, so won't stich it, it is scarey!)

bozza · 02/12/2008 09:03

I work 3 days a week and DH works 5. On the days I work I get up slightly before DH (ie have first shower) and on the other two days I get up slightly after him (ie he has first shower). This seems a fairly reasonable arrangement.

finknottle · 02/12/2008 09:05

Kinderarzt if it's the brain (as my s1) rather than the eyes, if eyes then presumably referral on to Augenarzt.

Anna8888 · 02/12/2008 09:07

Come to think of it, the reason I always get up after my DP is because he cannot stand not having first turn in the bathroom. If, for some reason, I have to get up especially early, he still wants to get up and into the bathroom before me.

Still, he does spend ages in there...

Joolyjoolyjoo · 02/12/2008 09:08

My DH would be most unsettled if I decided to get up at 5.45 to show solidarity- it's the only bit of peace he gets all day. And I am such horrendous company in the morning- I really am not a morning person at all. We did it once for a short while and found we were starting every day with a stupid arguement, so soon reverted to type!

I am a night owl, but I don't expect my DH to stay up with me. I am often still working (ironing/ DIY-ing/ washing) at midnight, but don't expect him to stay up to help me.

Again, guess it depends on what the OP DOES have to do in the day. I walk 2 dogs, do housework, shopping, walk dd1 to school bus, 3 loads of washing every 2 days along with looking after another 2 pre-schoolers, and none of it suffers because I don't get up at 6am

blueshoes · 02/12/2008 09:13

Darylmps, you need to come back and tell us what chores you do in the day and more importantly, whether your dh feels (rightly or wrongly) that you are pulling your weight on that front in the hours you have at home.

Do you give your dh a lie-in on weekends?

I don't think waking up later is in itself an issue (unless you go to bed at midnight or later every day, you seem to need an extraordinary amount of sleep IMO) but if it is tied up with other issues on the homecare front, I can see his point.

harpsichordcarrier · 02/12/2008 09:19

ha!
the OP does most certainly NOT have to justify how much housework or "chores" she does, to you or to anyone. mind your own business about how much housework she does! she is looking after a baby all day ffs! I suspect with a 13 month old to watch she isn't doing too much quilting

harpsichordcarrier · 02/12/2008 09:20

"come and tell us how much housework you do, so we can point and judge whether you are a lazy slut or not."
pmsl