Do you write thank you letters after childrens birthday parties? SURELY it's massive overkill / completely over the top gratitude when you've spent ££££ on a party etc?

[PopBitch]

Dd had a party at the weekend and invited the whole class. She was 5 and had a bouncy castle and face painter, it was a fab party.

She was given presents by the guests and we took them home to open later (as otherwise we'd have spent hours opening them at the party).

My questions are:

• Do I HAVE to write thank you notes?
• Do you?
• And if so, do I HAVE to personalise them?
• And What Is The Point?

My feeling is that this is complete overkill since:

a) we provided a party, they provided a gift, that's the deal, everyone's happy, surely?

b) the children giving the gift probably didn't know what was in it in most cases (I alays buy presents for my children to take to parties so it's not as if any special effort has gone into it)

c) In which case, it's the PARENTS writing to the other parents isn't it?

d) it's a waste of trees and time and effort

e) we said thank you at the time, when we were given the gift. They said thank you for having me at the end of the party, all done and dusted, surely?

So, AIBU to NOT indulge in this competitive thanking? I am very interested to know what the mn consensus is on this!

StewieGriffins - what culture are you from, if you don't mind my asking?

I'm interested, as when I was young, most parties were not "whole class" but were maybe about 10-12 guests on average.

Ds had a very samll party when he was 3 and 4, but when he went to school (5) he wanted to invite friends from his class, but hadn't been in it long enough to decide who were really close friends, so would rather have invited everyone than leave anyone out. Hence a larger party (20 odd). Since he was 7, he has had small parties again (8 people including himself).

In a small party, he could open all his presents at the time, but I think it would take up quite a bit of time when the children would rather be playing games.

crikey SGM - how long did the parties last? Must have been pretty long to have them all sat in the circle watching........and what about those children that didn't take a present for whatever reason??

20 minutes to open 10 gifts? And for the child actually to appreciate what is inside them?

Took 1/2hr for 6 presents for my DS2 (and that's including the one that he virtually blanked )

D'ya know, I think we're really back to the subject of mistaking etiquette for manners....

it might not have been uncommon then - but it's pretty uncommon now fora child not to bring a gift. I'm not thinking of the receivers - I'm thinking of the giver, the child that realise they're the only one who's present wasn't opened.........because they're the only one that didn't bring one.

I'll get me coat, then , Pointydog!

Dd has received a thank-you note (generic or not) after evry party she has been to between ages of 4 and 7.

People around here must be naturally polite!

Interestingly dh thinks we SHOULD write personalised thank you notes but says HE hasn't got time.

it's interesting actually, a lot of the people who don't do cards have said that they don't tend to receive them.
and those that do give, have commented that they receive.

I wonder if there is some divide here? i don't think class, but maybe I'm wrong?
north-south?

i was brought up in a very working class background in the south-east.
I guess technically I am probably classed as middle-class nwo, still in same area.

I wonder if there's a divide too.

I'm middle class, live in the SE. Have only very rarely received cards from children saying thanks for the present (and we've been to hundreds of parties over the years)

It is common courtesy to send a thank you note. It is also teaching your child manners, something which I lot of children nowadays are sadly lacking.

Interesting - I'm middle class, East Anglia. Most parties (we have always given a gift) we have had a thank you note, a few we haven't. But generally it seems to be the "done thing" round here. Although I would have done it even if it was unusaul in these parts.

Sorry I think that sounds rather like a production line - opening the presents so quickly that they don't really have time to look and see what it is just so that they can say thank you.....while the person is still there.........

Curious how it prevents a small person telling the person (either verbally or in body language) that they don't like the present though

I must have different children to everyone else! I struggle to get them to write to aunts, grannies etc but they do it and manage a nice letter.
However it would take weeks for them to write 30 letters for party presents! I can only assume that when you are talking about these handwritten notes that you really mean the mother is writing-or it is a complete cop out on the computer. Even to write Dear - Thank you for the - love --- would take forever!
As the person who has bought the present I would far rather have the DC say Thank you in person or on the phone.
I still think it is rude to take the present away and deny the giver any pleasure in giving. If it takes too long to open at the beginning you simply have too many guests! It is no wonder there are threads about then taking the presents to a charity shop!

Popbitch - not read all of thread but some posts at the beginning. I appreciate that your dd doesn't write yet, but that's a weak excuse, presumably at 5 she can write her name?!? - I know my 4 year old reception child can, and all of his classmates.

For younger children I have written the thank you notes, got ds or dd to sign them with their name and also to draw a little picture on the thank you card or otherwise decorate it.

It's important for the dcs to appreciate presents and not grow up with an entitlement complex. I'm unbashedly raising my children to be polite and considerate.

Also, bit peturbed at your admission that you just buy a present with little thought - something vaguely in the right age range and then wrap it. I know some parents do this - it's abundantly obvious when your dc opens their gift (and I usually privately think - I wish you hadn't bothered at all!). Actually, in contrast to you, I do put some thought and effort into buying presents for my dc's friends.

It would actually be cruel to make my seven year old write 20plus thank you letters. Last time we did a computer thing with a picture on it for all his classmates saying thank you but really it was because I know some people are so anal/judgemental about the thank you letter thing, even if their kids come home from a great party, after they'd had more than two hours free childcare, tea and come home with sweets, a toy and a book. I don't get a thank you note for that (and don't expect one either).

Always write thank you cards. Always.

It's easy you know you can buy thank you cards which only require a few words to be inserted. It's a condition of keeping the gifts in our house.

God I hate this smug, and frankly rude and ill-mannered assertion that those who encourage their children to say thank you to their little friends, and who show gratitude are less nice and well mannered than the kids whose parents write thank you notes on their behalf. As I have said before, the veneer of good manners seems very shallow to me.

pmsl at "cruel"

I'm so irritated that I got my post muddled. But you knmow what I mean!

"I wonder if there's a divide too.

I'm middle class, live in the SE. Have only very rarely received cards from children saying thanks for the present (and we've been to hundreds of parties over the years)."

Well popbitch, I'm middle class (ugh - hate referring to social class), live in the South, and children attend a village school in affluent area which is very socially homogenous. Dc's have attended many parties between them, and I don't recall ever not receiving thank you cards