Do you write thank you letters after childrens birthday parties? SURELY it's massive overkill / completely over the top gratitude when you've spent ££££ on a party etc?

[PopBitch]

Dd had a party at the weekend and invited the whole class. She was 5 and had a bouncy castle and face painter, it was a fab party.

She was given presents by the guests and we took them home to open later (as otherwise we'd have spent hours opening them at the party).

My questions are:

• Do I HAVE to write thank you notes?
• Do you?
• And if so, do I HAVE to personalise them?
• And What Is The Point?

My feeling is that this is complete overkill since:

a) we provided a party, they provided a gift, that's the deal, everyone's happy, surely?

b) the children giving the gift probably didn't know what was in it in most cases (I alays buy presents for my children to take to parties so it's not as if any special effort has gone into it)

c) In which case, it's the PARENTS writing to the other parents isn't it?

d) it's a waste of trees and time and effort

e) we said thank you at the time, when we were given the gift. They said thank you for having me at the end of the party, all done and dusted, surely?

So, AIBU to NOT indulge in this competitive thanking? I am very interested to know what the mn consensus is on this!

Ds always writes thank you notes for his presents. The only exceptions are when he has thanked the giver personally after opening the present. So if he is given a present by his aunt at Christmas, whe he is seeing her anyway, he will say "Thank you Auntie X for the Y" and that will suffice.

At most parties (particularly the larger (20 odd guests))ones that he had in reception and year 1, there simply isn't time to open all the presents during the party. So he would say "thank you" when handed the present, but we would also write later to thank the giver for that specific present. We never seemed to have that much problem matching up the gifts and labels/cards, and i would make a list of who gave what as he unwrapped them.

When he was 5, I would handwrite the note, and he would put his name at the bottom. Now (he is nearly 8), he will write the note himself. I just think it is polite to thank the giver for the gift, either in writing, or personally/by phone, but for the specific gift, i.e. not just saying thank you whenyou have been handed an unwrapped present.

In reply to the OP's points, I would add the following:-
a) I would never expect a gift in "return" for an invitation to a party. If a guest brings a gift, fine, if not, fine too, the main thing is my ds has enjoyed having his friends to the party, and they have enjoyed coming to it.

b)Even when ds was quite young I would involve him in choosing/wrapping a gift for a friend.

c)When they are very young it is parents writing to other parents, but I still think that's polite.

d)I don't feel it's a waste of time and effort at al, and you can always recycle paper.

e)I stil think it's more polite to thank someone after you have unwrapped the gift.

I took ds1 to the local bookshop to buy a present for one of his closest friends, I have a stock of presents but as she's such a good friend wanted to try to get her something we thought she's really like. I haven't had a thank you and do feel that I want to know how our present went down. I'm not striking her off any lists etc but I think that her mum has gone down slightly in my estimation. I've been brought up to think that thank you letters are important and can't quite stop myself judging.

Having said this I have been known to be a bit slack myself, I always start off with good intentions but sometimes run out of steam before I get to the end of the list. I fully expect people to judge me for it though.

sorry I don't believe for one minute that a 3yr old always looks pleased about something even if they're not just to be polite...........crikey it's something a lot of adults struggle with (I certainly did yesterday when my parents presented me with a pot plant........that will apparently eventually grow into a 6ft shrub - when they know I'm totally not green fingered and avoid gardening unless totally necesssary ).

And sorry I think that 1/2hr+ (if it's a big party) spent opening presents is a bit of a waste of the party time..............when I was a kid I certainly wouldn't have wanted to sit and wait for ages to start not doing anything (whether it's playing on the soft play or traditional party games depending on style of party) while the person who's birthday party it was worked their way through all the presents!!!

My three year old WAS very grateful for all her presents!
I am intrigued as to why it is so important to say thank you for a prsent but not for a party. Or for that matter, the party bag!

By the way, if it's of any interest, if I recive a birthday present, I still always either thank the giver in person, or on the phone, or write a note. I wouldn't dream of doing otherwise.

And at our wedding, although we didn't expect gifts, most people brought one, and we wrote to thank everyone. I just think that's normal.

yes but being grateful and actually liking them are 2 totally different things IMO. DS2 was also grateful for all of his presents - that doesn't mean he actually liked them all and had any interest in playing with the one that's still sat in the kitchen. And there's no guarantee that a child who is still developing their emotions and understanding of them - let alone controlling them! - is 100% not going to screw their nose up at a present, while quickly putting it whereever the opened presents are going before saying thankyou and forcing a smile......

"I am intrigued as to why it is so important to say thank you for a prsent but not for a party. Or for that matter, the party bag!"

Perhaps because they say thankyou in person when they leave/are given the bag ..........which obviously isn't good enough for when you actually recieve the gift

everything Thomcat said

I'm always pleased to get a thank you letter, but I don't notice if I don't get one.

I make my children do pictures, put them in envelopes then carry them around for weeks and weeks and weeks before seeing the relevant parent again. I still have a couple from DS1's party in FEBRUARY. Just haven't seen the people since - bizarrely. Now it would be far too embarassing to give them the letter, if I bumped into them!

When I was growing up the rule was you had to write if you didn't thank someone in person on opening the present.

And you had to go over the page.... god, the crap I must have written to aunts etc over the years.

If she had opened them in front of the guests and said thank you then, then no i don't think it's necessary, but as she didn't open them till later, then if it was me i would send thank you notes, not just because i think it's a nice and good thing to do, but because i'd want my dd to see that acknowledgement as part of the giving and receiving process - she didn't pay for or organise the party, you did, but she got the presents (I know she's only 5 but you know what i mean) If it were me I'd set her loose with some blank postcards and some paints or potato prints/whatever. And no, I wouldn't personalise them if so many were there. I'd just write Thank You For My Lovely Present. Love DD. Doesn't have to be a faff, can be fun and nice thing to do imo.

As far as I know, 'thank you for my gift' notes are pretty common, at least in my world. Has been done for and by me since I was a nipper. Never had anyone or been made by my mum to say 'thanks for having me to your party' notes. That's why I personally have never written one. So you can put that in your pipe and smoke it, if you like. Thank you for reading my post

What Thomcat said.

My dd 5 gets invited to lots of all class parties and she almost invariably gets a thank you for the present she (ok, I chose) gave.

It never occurred to me that I would not give a thank you card when we invited 40+ of her and her brother's friends for their joint birthday party. And of course, it was personalised. I don't see the point of a generic thank you card. It is nice to tell people what dd thought of their gift and how she played with it. It is the least we could do for people who spent time choosing and wrapping a present for her, giving up part of their weekend to ferry/chaperone their children to her party and making it such a great time for dd - who still looks fondly at the pictures and talks about her next one.

Blueshoes, you and the other polite Mumsnetters are welcome to any of my parties, any day of the week. You other rude feckers can whistle

Course you've got to write a thank you note (personalised, not...whatever...but some sort of thank you note).

Come on. It's just basic manners.

thomcat . dd will be pleased, that party animal!

13 Dec, see you there. I've provided a bouncy castle and football games, plus an inflatable guitar instead of a shite bag full of sweets, a great cake and nice food, so be sure to a) buy a bloody great gift cos I'll be making notes b) write to thank me for the invite and thank me for inviting your DC

I haven't read all the posts
but we always send Thank you notes. When the ds's were smaller I used to get them to draw a picture with thank you on, then scanned and printed it. How about doing something like that.

er, I don't think I am rude at all and neither are my children. They say thank you for any present received, write a note if they did not see the giver and - at someone else's party - go up to say 'thank you for the party' to the host mum before they leave.

You have an interesting name PopBitch. Are you related to another vipers nest-like site by any chance?

And, if anyone cares, I say:

YES to sticking the card to the present (this should be printed as a requirement of entry on the invitation imo)

NO to opening them at the party

YES to thank you letters. They only need to be one sentence long (written by you until they can do it themselves) with an undecipherable squiggle at the bottom which could or could not be your dc's signature.

Popbitch, I know you didn't want any more friends but please can you make an exception for me? We do need to talk about the rainforest though. Preferably at a children's party. Whilst failing to notice which present is whose.

I have no problem with people sending the letters. But to keep tabs on others and then judge them for not sending a thank you for coming to my party letter?........crikey...... best draw a veil over that one I think.

I don't do thank you letters to party guests/Mums nor have I ever received one after taking one of DCs to a party.

I do however get DCs to send them to grandparents, relatives and close family friends who sent gifts. Also, we have a lovely elderly man next door who always buys them a gift and they love to make him a picture as a thank you.

I agree, lingle. My children have so much fun and enjoyment from going to parties kindly arranged by others that it doesn't bother me one bit if I don't get a thank you letter back for the present.

not read whole thread, can't be bothered.

Good manners to send a thank you note, it doesn't have to mention who gave what, just

Dear ......, thank you for coming to my party and for the lovely present, love from ........

not good enough, tissy. Som epeople are against generic letters