Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 'was it planned?' is not an acceptable question when you tell someone you're pregnant?

104 replies

FlirtyThirty · 01/12/2008 12:01

I am married, 30 years old, financially stable and fairly sane...so when telling DH's friends we were happy to announce we were going to have a baby, I did not expect the 'was it planned?' question from one of their wives.

I cannot believe how anyone can think this is an acceptable question to ask anyone!?

I very nearly said 'no' just to see what the response was.

Ggrr...

OP posts:
HeadFairy · 01/12/2008 12:02

Ah welcome to the wonderful world of pregnancy when total strangers feel they can touch your bump, ask intimate questions and generally talk about your pregnancy as if they were discussing the bus timetables!

Wallaroo · 01/12/2008 12:03

I agree - SIL asked me in front of a room full of people when we announced no.3. With hindsight I also wonder what the reaction would have been if we'd said no we're gutted!!

ForeverOptimistic · 01/12/2008 12:03

We had that from a number of people too! We too were in our thirties, had our own home and had made no secret of the fact that we planned to start our own family at some point. I think it is incredibly rude and absolutely none of anyones business!

beanieb · 01/12/2008 12:04

If it happens tome I'll say 'oh yes, we've been planning it for over a year and not had any success, to be honest I thought that perhaps I was infertile or that OH's sperm were swimming in the wrong direction. It's been really frustrating and upsetting and to be honest it's been the worst year of my life so I am so happy that I am actually able to have a baby - why do you ask?'

Original poster
FlirtyThirty · 01/12/2008 12:05

Wallaroo...yes, that's exactly what this woman did...large group of people all having a fairly formal Sunday lunch...I couldn't believe my ears! There was a small pause before I replied while I gathered my thoughts...

OP posts:
littleboyblue · 01/12/2008 12:05

I've had it too. So annoying.
The one that gets me more is "Same father?" What's that about?

dougal3 · 01/12/2008 12:05

YA a bit U. It's a nosey question because it opens onto a whole load of other information.
And ill-considered because she wouldn't have liked it if you'd really answered in depth.
But I don't think it's necessarily bad.
There's that poem, isn't there, where the poet says she wishes she had been an unplanned baby, born of passion and contingency, family held together by an urgent love ... .
So, it might well have been really funny if you had gone into masses and masses and masses of detail.

midnightexpress · 01/12/2008 12:06

Ha. Try getting pg again when your 1st is 5 months old and wait for the deluge of questions .

TBH I think people always feel they have to ask something, and if it's too early to ask the stock questions such as 'do you know if it's a boy or a girl?' and 'have you decided on names?' it seems to be a fairly inoffensive option I guess.

TeeBee · 01/12/2008 12:06

Sorry, I don't think its a rude question in the slightest. Don't know why it would be conceived to be at all. Maybe I'm missing something.

Original poster
FlirtyThirty · 01/12/2008 12:07

BeanieB...I'm tempted to go the other way with..."well, no, not really planned...we just got so drunk and carried away one Saturday night that there was no time to reach for the condoms. Rampant little rabbits that we are..."

OP posts:
Wallaroo · 01/12/2008 12:08

Sil preceded the question "If it's not too personal a question......" - how much more personal do you want to get? What position do you think conception occurred in?

wingandprayer · 01/12/2008 12:09

I would have been tempted to reply that no it wasn't really but then you had been at it like rabbits for aaaages so it was inevitable really. I find replying to over intrusive questions with TMI answers soon stops further questions

Original poster
FlirtyThirty · 01/12/2008 12:13

TeeBee - I'm interested in your reply.

Just to clarify on the reason I think it's rude, which may help you see it for my side. I see my sex life as intensely private, and whether we have chosen to use or not use contraception, is very much part of that for me. The decision to have a child, does necessitate you making a decision either way, whatever way you look at it. Hence, I find the question incredibly invasive.

I am equally uncomfortable when people tell me their child was a 'mistake' even when they are happy with it...it is information that I just don't think need be shared - and certainly not over a dinner table.

OP posts:
lizandlulu · 01/12/2008 12:20

i would ask this, but only if it was a close friend who i didnt know was trying to get pregnant.

never to someone who wasnt close to me

DaidiNaNollag · 01/12/2008 12:22

A colleague was asked this by our then boss! She was very annoyed and upset!

francagoestohollywood · 01/12/2008 12:23

I see where you are coming from FT, but like TB I don't find it a particularly rude question. A bit weird if asked by someone you don't know very well.

Nemostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 01/12/2008 12:24

I have had that everytime. With dd2 it was worst as dd1 was just 4mths when I found out. Then this time with it being no.4 people think you have completely lost it..which I suppose I may well have

Fennel · 01/12/2008 12:28

I don't mind the question at all. Nearly everyone asked me it when I was pregnant with my 3rd. Apart from the friend who just assumed it had to be a mistake and commiserated with me .

But then I don't mind people asking about my sex life or other personal stuff either.

nailpolish · 01/12/2008 12:30

its nosiness
pure and simple
there is no other reason to ask someone this except out of nosiness
so therefore it is rude
if anyone had asked me that i would have told them to mind their own business!

BitOfFun · 01/12/2008 12:35

I think this question is incredibly intrusive actually, and I would be stumped as to how to answer it. If you say yes, you feel this person must be imagining you with thermometers up your fanjo and whatnot, and if you say no you feel like some kind of feckless teenager who can't be trusted to keep their legs shut. Plus, what on earth do they need that information for? So they can advise you on suitable contraception? Or tell you that the economic climate isn't right for a pregnancy and opine on your chances of redundancy? I wouldn't dream of answering them at all, and would just say "That's a rather personal question, isn't it?" and move the conversation on. YANBU!

psychomum5 · 01/12/2008 12:37

I have been asked that question, and I have to say, not been overly bothered with it. I was more irritated by the comments on "clearly can;t keep your legs shut then" which I recieved from several people when we announced DS2 (DC5).

I will admit to asking it myself of a couple of people, but both times I felt it needed to be asked as the women telling me seemed down......for me it helped to work out if they were unhappy (and therefore needing to talk about it), or shocked but pleased (and again, needing a different kind of chat). Both were very much in new relationshipts too, and good friends, so not a rude question (IMHO), more a genuinely caring question (on my part).

but at a dinner party when the announcement is clearly given with joy and smiling faces, yes, very rude!

Fennel · 01/12/2008 12:43

I like nosey people. You get to know all about them a lot quicker, less time wasted on boring surface chit chat.

belgo · 01/12/2008 12:44

I think that is a rude question.

I always say 'congratulations', even if I suspect it was unplanned. A new baby is always good news, planned or unplanned.

francagoestohollywood · 01/12/2008 12:44

Oh gosh I love you fennel, I was going to post that

belgo · 01/12/2008 12:44

Fennel