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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 'was it planned?' is not an acceptable question when you tell someone you're pregnant?

104 replies

FlirtyThirty · 01/12/2008 12:01

I am married, 30 years old, financially stable and fairly sane...so when telling DH's friends we were happy to announce we were going to have a baby, I did not expect the 'was it planned?' question from one of their wives.

I cannot believe how anyone can think this is an acceptable question to ask anyone!?

I very nearly said 'no' just to see what the response was.

Ggrr...

OP posts:
Zebraa · 01/12/2008 12:50

Not read all this but do what I do "I'm pregnant... wasn't planned!" being as my DS was only 9 months old when I got pregnant again...

nailpolish · 01/12/2008 13:00

not always, belgo

ChippyMinton · 01/12/2008 13:03

It's an odd thing to say, but I think it's just something that comes out without thinking. I bet she wasn't actually interested in your answer - perhaps it reflected her own circumstances? Forget about it.

I had three DC in under 2.5 yrs and I got asked every time .

goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 01/12/2008 13:03

well I did get asked that about DS3......as most people knew that exH only wanted 2 children and I'd compomised on it (well actually I think he only really wanted one - but when I fell pg wit DS2 he was ok about it - but that was IT as far as he was concerned..........of course DS3 had other ideas - oh and exH adores him so no issues with that)

thepinkprincess · 01/12/2008 13:04

congratulations, but I think the question is asked because if the baby was not planned then the person may be unsure on what they want to do or waiting for the surprise to sink in - so the conversations on buggies, little baby gro's and other baby related chat would be saved for another time. I was also asked this question when I was pregnant with my son (at 16), I was thinking im 16 do you really think id want to try for a baby (not that I regret anything)

VinegarTinselTits · 01/12/2008 13:09

YABU it an innocent question, its not an insult, lots of married couples (and single people) get pg accidently, doenst mean its not a joyus occasion, or a bad thing to happen, just a nice suprise. Get over yourself.

Annthecat · 01/12/2008 13:13

It's just something to say, they're just making conversation, they have to respond somehow and as well as congratulations people feel they have to keep the conversation going and say something, ask you questions and show an interst, they're not really wanting to see the spreadsheet of your ovulation cycle preceding this event.

Smile, make polite conversation back, you'll probably say a few inane things yourself.

It really suprises me on here how easily eopel take offence.

'is is the same father?' though is a different category, particualry if your DH is with you.

nailpolish · 01/12/2008 13:15

i find it insulting because its like asking "do you really want this baby?"
or
"did you mean to get pg? are you thinking about getting rid of it? was it a mistake? are you devastated?"

same thing IMo

Cicatrice · 01/12/2008 13:15

I think its a bit nosey if you don'tknow the person well. DH was asked by his boss! He was most put out.

MKG · 01/12/2008 13:16

My response would be "unplanned, but very much wanted and wished for"

I'm in my third unplanned but wished for pregnancy.

nailpolish · 01/12/2008 13:16

ok
next time you meet a pg woman and ask "was it planned?" what are you going to do if she replies "no its a huge mistake"

try to carry on the conversation after that...

givethedogabone · 01/12/2008 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Annthecat · 01/12/2008 13:19

I'd say 'gosh, how are you coping?'

Peopel respond with as much info and honesty as they want, and the conversation flows from that.

you can keep it superficial if you don't want to discuss things that like with poeple or you can be honest and discuss that.It's up to you how you respond.

WorzselMummage · 01/12/2008 13:19

Bit of a weird thing to get wound up about imo.

No-one needed to ask me this time as all my friends and my family knew we'd been trying for ages and to be honest most of them knew when i was ovulating, when we'd had sex and in which position ( ie how long i had hung off the bed upside down for)... i'm not a very private person

The 'Same Dad ?' question did shock me a bit though.

VictorianSqualor · 01/12/2008 13:34

It's one of those things isn't it?
You know the list of things you say to someone when they are pregnant.

You go through the announcement stage where you probably don't give a hoot but know that the person who is pg does so you either say 'Oh, fantastic, congrats' (risking them saying, 'actually no it's not, I never wanted this') OR 'was it planned?'

Then you get a bit further down the line and get told either 'wow, you're huge' or 'what a small bump' because people feel that again, even though they aren't the slightest bit interested, it's important to you, so they'd better say something.

You'll probably get a question about what sex you'd prefer too.

Then when the baby is born, first questions are weight/name/how was the birth etc (and they still don't care)

A few months in you get asked how they sleep, are they good/bad (are babies ever bad)

Then you get pg again, and they say 'Was it planned?' or 'Oh, fantastic, congrats'.

Don't sweat it.

VictorianSqualor · 01/12/2008 13:36

(I started off as the asker and then became the askee but you get my drift)

thisisyesterday · 01/12/2008 13:40

I agree OP. it is a really crappy thing to be asked. makes you feel like people think you shouldn't be having kids, or that you're just stupid or something.

However, I did ask this once, and as soon as I said it I just thought, OMG I can't believe that just came out of my mouth.

it was actually a friend telling me her sis was pregnant for the 4th time.
I didn't mean it in a "was it planned?" way, although that's what I said. I meant it in more of a were they trying, or was it a surprise sort of thing? not in a negative way.

anyway, I don't think there is a nice way of asking that quesiton.

rlp · 01/12/2008 13:48

Would you have been upset if asked this question in a less public setting? Personally I wouldn't have a problem with it. I guess it depends if that person is someone you feel comfortable discussing serious subjects with. It could be annoying if it is asked in a flippant way. "How are you?" annoys me if the only acceptable answer is "fine".

brokenrecord · 01/12/2008 13:48

One of my closest friends said 'It is xxxxx's isn't it?' Think it said more about her than me

CharleeInPantoPaperChains · 01/12/2008 13:54

When ever anyone finds out i have 2 children they go, 'oh unplanned i take it?'

I go 'no i just wanted them early.'

People always look appaled that dp and i decided to have a child at the age of 17 planned but screw em!

NotQuiteCockney · 01/12/2008 13:58

I'm afraid I don't like this question, or the 'are you trying for another' one, either. (Well, both are fine from close friends, but those normally know better than to poke in like that!)

I tend to just say ... 'You're asking me ... are we having sex? And if so, are we using contraception? Is that really what you're asking me?' in a really boggled confused sort of way. ('Was it planned?' obviously earns a 'You're asking if the condom broke? Or whether we couldn't be bothered using one?' in a similar tone. )

loobeylou · 01/12/2008 14:19

personally I would never dream of asking this question regardless of how well I knew someone. Different entirely if someone volunteers that they were let down by a condom, the pill or a moment of drunken madness!!

We seemed to be classed as "odd" when we announced pg 3 - general opinion was it must be a mistake as not many people have more than 2 these days. DD 3 was stillborn due to a chromosome abnormality at 5 months. Fortunately we fell pg again within a year, cue "was it planned " etc all over again. But the most hurtful, oh you have 2 DDs so you're trying for a boy this time. No we just want another child, we will be happy if this one lives. We now have a delightful son. Still get all sorts of peole asking all sorts of questions that in the light of our experience I just feel you should not ask.

Cousin is having her final go of IVF, she has had 2 successful implants which resulted in 2 miscarriages. They are desperate for a baby. Thoughtless comments and prying questions from strangers about "are they planning to have kids" etc are so painful.

chloemegjess · 01/12/2008 14:23

I hate it, along with a hell of a lot of the questions I get asked. DD was unplanned (but we were over the moon to have her) and then when she was 6 months old I got pregnant again, unplanned. I am always honest when they do ask and I say no, it wasn't planned but then I feel like I sound stupid to have 2 unplanned pregnancies in a row etc. BUT The actual truth if I were to go into it is that I was breastfeedfing, and on the mini pill so should have been more than covered, but then I feel like ...why shoudl I have to explain myself?

It is just not a question they need to know!

SantasNuttySTaff · 01/12/2008 14:38

everytime i go to docs or m/w they ask if it was planned twas the same when i was pg with dd i thought it was a standard question of choice for docs/ mw's

i htink other people ask cos theyre nosey (neither of mine have been planned, just nice suprises :-) )

Tortington · 01/12/2008 14:40

you pregnant people alllllllllllways complaining. we cant ask whether its planned, we can't touch your bump, we cant ask whether its a boy or a girl, we can't ask if your happy or not....then when people aren't intrested you cry "i thought i would feel special boo feckin hoo"