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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 'was it planned?' is not an acceptable question when you tell someone you're pregnant?

104 replies

FlirtyThirty · 01/12/2008 12:01

I am married, 30 years old, financially stable and fairly sane...so when telling DH's friends we were happy to announce we were going to have a baby, I did not expect the 'was it planned?' question from one of their wives.

I cannot believe how anyone can think this is an acceptable question to ask anyone!?

I very nearly said 'no' just to see what the response was.

Ggrr...

OP posts:
Flibbertyjibbet · 01/12/2008 14:52

Mil asked both times if our ds's were planned. Because she couldn't understand that I didn't do what the rest of her family does -
sil and bilsgf both announced years before that 'we will start trying when xjob yxams zcar paid off ' etc, then the announcement of 'we've started trying' (BLEURGHGHGHGHGHG!!!) after 5 years of hearing bilsgf say every single time I met her 'I want another baby before I'm 30' (she had ds already from previous relationship).
Then announcements to mil the day they peed on a stick etc etc etc.

We told no one until 12 weeks. (My parents were out of the country for weeks 7-12 so we decided to tell everyone face to face when they got back).

I would not dream of telling anyone that we were 'trying' - its such a personal thing!

So as far as mil is concerned we either weren't trying to get pregnant, or we are shockingly cruel to not tell her 5 years in advance of impending grand children.

ScottishMummy · 01/12/2008 14:58

motherhood - leave your dignity and privacy at the door.begins in antenatal "piss in the pot" the receptionist used to squawck as we all checked in

nice

welcome a world were everyone inc strangers have an opnion they are just bursting to share with you.opinions about pg,birth,working,not too work,prams,feeding

oh and then there is MN many divergent opinions all above topics

if you want low BP avoid the argy bargy topics
CS
feeding
working nurseries
bugaboo prams (seriously some people come out in hives mere mention)

apart from that congratulations

babylovesmilk · 01/12/2008 15:29

Wait till you have more than 2 and people ask this all the time! Nosey feckers.

Annthecat · 01/12/2008 15:33

Agree with custardo, it's a bloody minefield talking to preganant women,if you go by some complaints on here; you have to be interested but express no opinions and ask no personal qustions.

That sounds like intersting converastion.

As someone said earlier get over yourselves.

ihavenewsockson · 01/12/2008 16:03

i hate it when people ask this. i mean what would they say if you said no?!

sometimes people feel they can ask about personal things when they shouldn't- like my dad. after DS1 was born, he kept asking if we would have anymore, we did want to but didn't wnat to put a time on it so i kept saying 'dunno, we'll see, maybe'

when i finally said 'yeah, it would be nice to have a little bro/sis for him' he asked if we were trying!

i looked at him and said you are soo nosey and as a matter of fact we don't need to i'm already 12 weeks pregnant. nosey bugger!

i do not want to discuss my sex life with people in RL, especially not my dad!

VinegarTinselTits · 01/12/2008 16:07

Both my pg were unplanned, i have no problem people asking me 'was it planned' i just say no it was a plesent suprise, it nothing to be ashamed of you know!

pingping · 01/12/2008 16:12

LOL VTT

I thought it was quite common for people to have unplanned PG I would not be offended or ashamed

Blinglovin · 01/12/2008 16:17

Wow, I had no idea people found this so upsetting. I always just thought it was one of those things you say. Kind of like when someone announces they're buying a house and you ask them what it's like, or where it is or whatever.

But then, I am seriously nosey, and expect everyone else to be too!

Annthecat · 01/12/2008 16:20

Telling poele you are pregnant is not 'discussing your sex life'.

You had sex whether it was planned or not.

If some one asks you 'did you do it doggy style to help with gravity?' Thenthey are enquirying too much into your sex life.

Mind you even then I probaly wouldn't be offended I'd probably just snort my tea through my nose with a mixture of shock and admiration at thier cheeky audacity, and then become thier best friend.

In fact I may make this my stock response to poeles praganacy announcements. 'Was it planned?' is so dull.

Some of you are so PRECIOUS.

WotsThatSkippy · 01/12/2008 16:21

Loads of people asked me if my first child was planned. I answered them straight ('Yes!') and smiled politely, but I did find it an incredibly rude question, really. I would never dream of asking someone the same! With my second child, I had the reverse. i had had a miscarriage in between pregnancies and so several people thought it was appropriate to say things along the lines of'Oh, you must be so happy - you must have been trying really hard since the miscarriage, eh?' ('Actually, NO. We had a long break where we didn't try because I was so upset, then I fell pregnant the first month we tried. Thanks!')

I just don't see the need to get so personal!

WotsThatSkippy · 01/12/2008 16:22

It's not precious, btw. I am far from a prude. I justassume that if someone hasn't chosen to discuss whether they are actively trying for a child or not, then they don't particularly want to discuss it. It's called, urm...manners.

WotsThatSkippy · 01/12/2008 16:22

It's not precious, btw. I am far from a prude. I justassume that if someone hasn't chosen to discuss whether they are actively trying for a child or not, then they don't particularly want to discuss it. It's called, urm...manners.

frostyfingers · 01/12/2008 16:23

When we announced that I was pregnant with twins (14 years ago), I was quite surprised at the number of people who asked if it was a natural (yes) or IVF pregnancy. Now, call me old fashioned, but I really don't think that that is anyone's business. I wasn't cross, more taken aback that people asked - I would never dream of asking someone else, or if it was planned either!

london11 · 01/12/2008 16:26

YANBU.....I completely agree. I am pregnant and there will be a 9 year age gap between children. Most people have asked 'Was it planned?' and I think it is very rude - what business is it of theirs after all and what difference does it make?
I am sure half of them were hoping for some big juicy story about it all being a accident and us being shocked etc.
Alot of people have also openly said 'OMG you are mad - why do you want to back to babies again?' For all they know we might have had fertility issues or other problems.

SexyDomesticatedDad · 01/12/2008 16:26

We were just getting used to the slight of our last unplanned pg when we were round at friends house for a meal. Mrs A starts to serve up pudding and says in a jolly voice - "hope no-one here is pregnant as it contains raw eggs". I'm sure DW and I looked at each other and slightly - we also had a french exchange girl staying with us and she said congratulations and she wouldn't say anything to the other 3 DCs. Had the pudding anyway and didn't actually say yes or no - it was early days - but I'm sure they realised quite quickly from our reaction.

LittleSarah · 01/12/2008 16:28

'Are you happy' (as said by custardo) and 'was it planned' are clearly rude questions I think. However they don't bother me, people have asked me both, strangely both people I barely knew. The reason I don't get bothered is I think most people genuinely don't think they are being rude, although I'm sure most realise they are prying!

Pregnant women can indeed sound precious on mumsnet, I've noticed that too, asking about names/sex/plans for birth/staying at home or no/nappy type/etc is fine, but I do agree asking if it's planned is rude, if it is from someone you don't know that well.

(Are you happy is dreadful now I think about it?! As if you'll say, no, I'm gutted. Think I might do that next time).

I think the world is just a little ruder and mouthier now - as we can see on mumsnet!

solidgoldbrass · 01/12/2008 16:30

I didn't get asked that - everyone who knew me knew that there was no way I would have been trying to get PG. But I was a bit at the number of people who asked if I was going to continue or terminate the PG. As I said - each time - look, if I wasn't going to continue this pregnancy why the fuck would I be telling you about it?

ditheringdora · 01/12/2008 16:40

It's funny but my family dissaprove of planned pregnancy preferring to think you and your dh are so crazeeee about each other, can't keep your hands off each other that one night (or several) you threw caution to the wind...
I think its because married "allowed" sex seems so staid in comparison. We are all married btw

sweetkitty · 01/12/2008 16:55

I've had loads of "was it planned?" along with

"well it's obviously a mistake" (said my by not so darling mother on announcing DD2's pregnancy 9 months after DD1
"are you happy about it"
"is congratulations in order"
"oh your brave announcing it so early so much can go wrong you know"
"oh you hoping for a boy x 100"
"oh are you ALLOWED to get pregnant so soon after a wee loss" my Mother again cannot say miscarriage just wee loss
"oh I thought you weren't going to try again after what happened last time"
"oh your are mad no one has more than 2 these days"

I usually say well we had sex on cycle days 10 through to 18 every 2 days, I had EWCM from day 14 and ovulated on CD15 according to the OPKs, now do you think is was planned?

people are idiots

lalalonglegs · 01/12/2008 17:06

I got that all the time with my 3rd pregnancy (along with "Why? You've already got a boy and a girl.") I found it incredibly insulting as if (a) I couldn't figure out to use effective contraception (and yes I know nothing's 100% but really) (b) it mattered.

Heathcliffscathy · 01/12/2008 17:09

dougal3 what was that poem, do you remember anything about it?

Jux · 01/12/2008 17:15

Conversely, when my mum rang my younger bro to tell him I was getting married he said "Bloody hell, is she pregnant then?!"

onthewarpath · 01/12/2008 17:16

I think it is a really tricky one actually , because anything anyone could ask could be taken badly according to the circomstances.
A friend of mine announced to me that she was pregnant and was really upset when I congratulated her because she "definitely did not want children". I have lost tuch with her not long after that ( not because of that BTW) and i do not know wether she actually had the child or not but this is not the subject.

Unless you can read minds this sort of misunderstanding will happen again and again.

Congratulations BTW, you will find that most people will be very happy for you.

belgo I am 100% with you but in my experience, not everybody is.

SH27 · 01/12/2008 17:29

Hi Flirty Thirty,

I know exactly how you felt. I have a 10 year gap between by two DS's. When I fell pregnant with number two, which was planned, everyone kept giving me sympathetic looks and then saying 'oh dear, was it planned' or 'oops was it an accident?'.

I also had people saying 'is this one with a different father!'.

People are so rude personal aren't they?

I have no problem with 'accident's or children with different fathers, but people really should think before they open their mouths.

SpangleMaker · 01/12/2008 19:00

YANBU to be offended. I mean, when people ask the question, what do they think the answer is going to be? If it's planned then fine, 'yes, we're looking forward to having a family' is an easy answer, but if it isn't.... - 'we got pissed on holiday'... 'I had dreadful diarrhoea & poo'd out my pill and forgot'

Having said that I'm in a similar situation to you - 37, married 5yrs, good job in public sector, decent house - and been asked the same thing by my brother's fiancee & by FIL, but we were just amused really. I thought it was funny to see people's reactions and am secretly quite pleased to have fooled them