AIBU to think that "I have to go to work tomorrow" is not a good enough excuse not to help out when ds is ill in the night?

[rebelmum72]

This is now the second time this has happened and I am somewhat pissed off with my otherwise-damn-near-perfect dh.

Ds has been coming down with a cold over the weekend, and last night started coughing like mad at around 11pm, just as we were going to bed. From then on until the morning, he didn't sleep for more than about 15mins in one go, apart from one measly hour between 3am and 4am.

This meant that I was constantly getting up, bringing him cough medicine, making tea, getting him to drink the tea, changing nappies and generally trying to calm him down. It was a horrible night, ds could not stop coughing and crying and I was at my wits' end what to do.

After the first time he woke up, my dh turned over in bed and said "I'm going to sleep, I've got to go to work in the morning" which annoyed me because a)I could have done with a bit of practical help and support and b)I could have just as easily and (I think) justifiably said "I'm going to sleep, I've got to look after a sick toddler tomorrow".

I don't mind being the one to get up in the night when ds has had a bad dream or needs water or something like that. But I feel this is different. I'm now absolutely knackered, and ds is being sooo demanding (which is fair enough as he's not well), I really could have done with a bit more support last night, even if was just making the tea while I tried to calm down ds.

AIBU to be annoyed with my dh about this?

I agree wholeheartedly on the being "part of the tesm" ethos but that's exactly why when I was a SAHM I would get up in the night with the sick child rather than DH who has to get up and go to work. Personally I feel that as I could put everything else on hold for the next day, it's a no-brainer. I would of course expect him to do his bit at the weekend.

I may be thick but I struggle to see why it's easier to spend a day as an exhausted junior doctor say than being at home with one sick child and having no other commitments.

I don't think YABU. Both you and your dh have a full time job therefore you aren't unreasonable to expect some help on a really rough night.

Spokete I don't know what your kids are like but ill or not I don't really get to "put my feet up" when at home with my ds.

Well I remain bemused by all this, I WOTH and look forward hugely to my weekends and holidays with my kids. I'm on my own with them for weeks on end in the summer holidays (I only work term time) and often entire weekends throughout the year. I love it and don't really get "this staying at home is harder than going to work". It makes it sound like it's all such a drag.

chocolatedot - I have three children under five, and staying at home is lovely. I briefly worked after dd1 and dd2's births, but that was much harder.

Maybe because you do woth?

It isn't a drag at all, personally I find it absolutely fantastic, the best thing I have ever done.

But being on your own with a sick child can be lonely and very stressful and I feel that 'out of hours' you should both be prepared to be on duty - even if in practice the SAHP does most. Sometimes, for some SAHPs - and it probably depends on the child, nature of illness, how sleep deprived you are, how anxious you get etc - doing it alone is just too much. I also think that polarising roles like that (one person earns and is then off duty, the other is always on duty) causes resentment and can erode relationships.

I realise it sounds odd but I genuinely found being an exhausted junior doc easier than dealing with a sick child, partly because in every job there is some down time. You get to go to the loo on your own, you can make a drink, if you feel rubbish you can usually get 3 mins on your own in the fresh air.

Relaxing in pjs and putting your feet up with a sick child is so far from my experience that I really don't understand it. But maybe that's because I have had some scary moments with a breathless toddler. I need support if it happens in the night and would be furious if dh pulled the 'work' card.

AIBU is genuinely interesting when people have such different viewpoints....

DS2 spent most of the first year of his life in hospital and when he was home he was still very poorly. DH in that time had to hold down a job etc and therefore I did most of the caring whilst looking after a three year old as well.

I would say that whilst I did most of the nights DH would always take over at about 4.30am so I could get some sleep then. We would however both be in bed at 9pm the following night.

One night is a bit different though, we had to come up with this plan or we would have both been ill.

When DS2 is ill again now we revert back quite naturally to that plan without discussion etc.

Ernest, I only went back to work when my youngest started school. Before that I was at home with three under kids 4, did it for 5 years and loved it.

I can understand feelingfestive that if the condition is chronic and/or serious then of course I agree, I can't imagine anything more stressful. Perhaps I misunderstood but I thought we were discussing just one bad night with a routine childhood illness.

Even when I was on my own with 3 under 4 and depsite having no family or help, I always got some sort of a break and certainly longer than 3 mins.

I don't mean to broaden it to chronic/serious illness - that's more clear cut as you say. What I mean, I suppose, is that children's illness in the middle of the night never really seems 'routine' to me. If they are distressed, it is stressful. Waking up to go to the loo is pretty copable with! Calming down a child throughout an entire night is not fun. Children's illness and sleep deprivation are surely the most rubbish bits of parenting. Why should one parent do this entirely on their own?

The OP was suggesting that this was a trend -her dh feels it is just not up to him because he has to go to work. I think parenthood is about pulling together and I genuinely don't think it is a disaster to go off to paid work a bit tired. Much better to have shown that you are a parent and a partner too.

yes, I think if it is something serious or chronic, than of ocurse it is different, but that wasn't the case in OP's case, was it.....

[psst, I must be a really rubbish mum, because, well, I have always managed to have a break somehow, there are ways...I suppose I never minded to much if my Kids came to the toilet with me and such things....so, tbh, I never ever had the problem of not being able to go because of looking after a child, poorly or not.....however, way back when I was still a nurse and worked on a busy ward, there were times where I didn't get a loo break until my shift was finished and as for un-interupted breaks...those didn't happen neither.....!]

Take your point feelingfestive but the OP did say it was only the second time and that her other half was pretty much prefect aside from her complaint. Also the illness in question was only a cold.

I guess what has irritated about this thread and specifically the "its much harder to stay at home with kids than go to work" stuff is that it somehow implies that women who WOTH don't really know how hard or otherwise it is to look after children. Over the past 9 years, I've worked full time (60 hours a week), part time (20 hours a week) and been a SAHM for 5 years. Over that time, I can honestly say I've felt no difference in my commitment to my kids, emotional, practical or otherwise.

I have always known exactly how demanding it is to look after children because whatever my employment status, I've always been a mum first.