AIBU to think that "I have to go to work tomorrow" is not a good enough excuse not to help out when ds is ill in the night?

[rebelmum72]

This is now the second time this has happened and I am somewhat pissed off with my otherwise-damn-near-perfect dh.

Ds has been coming down with a cold over the weekend, and last night started coughing like mad at around 11pm, just as we were going to bed. From then on until the morning, he didn't sleep for more than about 15mins in one go, apart from one measly hour between 3am and 4am.

This meant that I was constantly getting up, bringing him cough medicine, making tea, getting him to drink the tea, changing nappies and generally trying to calm him down. It was a horrible night, ds could not stop coughing and crying and I was at my wits' end what to do.

After the first time he woke up, my dh turned over in bed and said "I'm going to sleep, I've got to go to work in the morning" which annoyed me because a)I could have done with a bit of practical help and support and b)I could have just as easily and (I think) justifiably said "I'm going to sleep, I've got to look after a sick toddler tomorrow".

I don't mind being the one to get up in the night when ds has had a bad dream or needs water or something like that. But I feel this is different. I'm now absolutely knackered, and ds is being sooo demanding (which is fair enough as he's not well), I really could have done with a bit more support last night, even if was just making the tea while I tried to calm down ds.

AIBU to be annoyed with my dh about this?

YABU -I think that the person going to work needs the sleep, the person at home with the sick DC can catch up during the day. (If the person at home is trying to work at home then it would be reasonable to share).

Oooh the old days sound lovely! I would have loved someone to pop in and 'help out' with my 3 little ones. Would be even better now they're teenagers!

Thing is, as a SAHM I agreed that this bit, the getting up in the night generally and when ill, was my role....obviously if dh was off the next day, then I would expect him to help out, but, luckily dh then would also feel the need to help out...

However, now, I would expect roles to have shifted a bit, because I am not a SAHM anymore..therefore the person who can do it with least negative impact will do it...which follows really teh previous system, because, when Kids are ill, and they are all different when ill...but if you are at home you can plan your day as easily as possible....op therefore would only be unreasonable if her OH had expected her to be the perfect Housewife that day, but as long as he doesn't expect miracles....

Of course making medical decisions isn't about the time issue, Cocopops! Have you never been worried, confused or at the end of your tether in the middle of the night?

Maybe some of the YABUs have forgotten what an ill toddler is like (v. an ill 8 year old, say, who might well watch tv all day).
Toddlers don't tend to say "This cold just be a cold but I think I have bronchiolitis and need to go to A&E", they just get more breathless...Happy days to anyone whose children just sit quietly when ill. As toddlers, mine wail, run frighteningly high temperatures, wheeze, have odd symptoms which could be serious but might be nothing.

It is all worse in the middle of the night. Maybe you are made of sterner stuff than me, but I need some support. That's what having a partner is about. I realise jobs are fragile at the moment. But anyone can get through the odd day at work feeling knackered (and btw I have done some high profile, demanding jobs too). Being at home coping with the wailing and the stress is harder. It's not the SAHMs being sissies!

Sorry "could just be a cold"

we had this a couple of weeks ago when our 13mth old DS came down with gastroentiritis (sp?)

he was up thru the night for 10 nights, DH is a landscaper, working with potentially dangerous machinary and has a two hour commute some days.

I'm 6 mths pregant and really knackered but can't sleep when DS is crying adn would worry all day about DH having an accident.

So i did the night shifts but DH put him to bed when he cam home, helped with the dinner and housework and got the breakfast things out before he left for work.

it meant that i could sleep when DS did during the day and on the three nights that it was really unbearable and i had to leave the room, DH got up and fell asleep with DS in his chair.
I had an hours kip and felt much more able to cope.

marriage is a partnership. Being a SAHM is hard work but so is going to work, and at work you can't turn round and say i had a bad night i'm gonna lay on the sofa for a bit.

i think both parties need to feel apprecaited.

my DH always thanks me in the morning if i've been up in the night.
it makes it esier cos i don't resent him snoring while i'm rocking or changing the baby in the next room!

Medised

You can't give medised till they're 2 years old now. They were blaming it for some cot deaths.

However, a whack on the head with a heavy frying-pan is suitable from birth.

rofl Beautyful...

and phew that I don't have an under 2 year old....medised was my lifesaver at times....for some strange and unknown reason my children would not take Calpol, but would be happy to take Medised......both paracetamol based...so, no idea why this was, tbh....

as for age making a difference how a poorly child behaves....tbh, I think that is more an individual thing, isn't it? My es would just completely flake out, sleep most of the day and night and that was that, my ms would be grumpy, not sleep, but not be to bad....my ys was a nightmare, he would be screaming all day and all night and grumping and hardly sleep, this was/is difficult, obviously....but allof them are out of Baby age and willbehave still that way when ill...o.k. ys is not screaming all day, but he becomes very tearful whenever he does come down with something...

BEAUTIFUL, I bought medised the other day and it still says from 3 months on it, should they be selling it still?

Well, bertiebear, you would diasapprove of the dynamic in our house, DH being a cardiologist and all....

I expect him to do his share at night. He's a parent, it's his job.

I'm an SAHM (studying 3 mornings/week), but I regard us as both working during the day, so we share the childcare/house jobs in the evening.

Thus, if a sprog is ill during the day and house stuff doesn't get done, I fully expect DH to do his share to catch up at night.

Our 'rule' is that DH does DS1 at night, and I do DS2. So if DS1 is puking at night, I sleep and let DH deal with it. If he is on-call or in theatre next day I do try to help him at night, but he doesn't get off scott-free.

There are a million advantages to me changing career to allow DH some slack in pursueing his - but it doesn't mean he can stop being a parent whenever it suits him.

YABU. Let's be honest here - are you really able to sleep whilst your DC is awake, unwell and crying for you? My DH is able to switch off and sleep when DD is unwell and knowing that I can't do likewise means that it makes sense that I'm the one who gets up etc. It's a no brainer. I've been a SAHM and now work full-time and, in my view, the following day is much easier for the SAHM as you can choose to do as little as possible. DH will then take parenting lead the following evening so that I can get an early night.

well in all honesty if i had the next day to at least mooch around the house and not do too much i wouldnt expect my dp to get up at all he works long tiring hours and needs his sleep as he drives yto and from work also 2 hrs each way

i would happily let him sleep as i know next day i can do as little as possible just watch my ds although tiring i dont have to be driving or the physical efforts needed to get through a shift at work

i dont even have to get dresses my ds is always ok in day its nights when his coughing gets worse etc so days are spent sitting in front of tv with my pj's on watching over ds

i dont think its ur to feel tired and want the help but to not put there needs in there as well is not fair when they have to get through a day at work and we can stay at home resting

i speak on my behalf not everyone elses as my dp can work 20 hr shifts and can be driving for 8 hrs a day so i would obviously feel he needs his sleep and put his feeling first as nothing more dangerous than working long shift and driving for lots of hours

mnot saying to everyone its not fair to put there feelings first just on my dp behalf due to his long tiring commutes and long shift hours

Oh my goodness, I didn't realise people were still posting on here ! I've just whizzed through all the posts and want to add this now:

• Ds was really rather ill with bronchitis and a slight ear infection. He was coughing and whining and crying all day and the only time I wasn't carrying him was while I was on the loo, and I had to do that bloody quick as he was crying so much to be picked up again he could hardly catch his breath. There is not a hope in hell of my ds lying around on the sofa quietly all day when he is ill. He feels like shit, it hurts, and he wants his mummy to make it all better.

(Dh came home and after about 10mins said "god, has he been like this all day???")

• I think the comments about dh having to drive to work are negated by the fact that I had to drive my ds to the doctor and then to the chemist to get medicine.

• This also means that we were actually out for half the day and not slumming around at home having an easy day.

• Ds did indeed have a "nap", it lasted 1 1/2 hours and in that time I had to go in to calm him down/rock him/give him something to drink THIRTEEN TIMES. I couldn't even consider having a lie-down myself (I spent the minutes in between going in to ds on MN )

• Just for the record, my dh is actually fab with ds, and really I think that what I wanted more than anything else was support, NOT for me to go to sleep while he was up with ds. As someone wrote, just making me a cup of tea would have helped when ds was screaming and coughing and not letting me put him down for even a second (not even if I brought him into our bed!).

• To answer Beautiful, it was peppermint tea with loads of honey in it, and it usually helps SO MUCH with colds and coughs, ds will actually request it himself when he's not feeling well. So yes, I guess in this house it really is MagicalToddlerTea :O

I also want to add that I'm a bit saddened by the assumption that a SAHP has it easier than a WOHP.
I love being a SAHM, I love spending my days with ds and doing loads of fun and exciting things with him. I love watching him discovering the world around him, I am excited and amazed every time he learns a new word or finds out how something works. We read books, we play games, we draw, we cook, we go out walking with the dog, we go to various playgroups and activities: I put effort and thought into every day with my ds.
However, just because I enjoy being a SAHM doesn't mean it is easy.

My dh freely admits that he wouldn't want to be the one at home, he would get bored quickly, would find it hard being soley responsible for organising the whole day and wouldn't know what to do with ds. He works very hard, but likes what he does and has done really well in his job.
However, just because he enjoys it, doesn't mean it is easy.

I would have thought that both rôles (SAHP / WOHP) have bits which are hard and bits which are easy. Some days are very relaxed and not really much effort, some days are highly stressed with lots to do. Most days are probably somewhere in between.

I would consider the time when you are both at home to be family time, where both parents are responsible, regardless of what each of them does during the day. Your rôle is then defined as being one half of a partnership, which to me means you do it together.

Anyway, I have written much more (both in words and emotions!) than I intended to .

VS, I just checked -- yes, Medised Infant is OK. The original Medised was discontinued, I think. (I read about it on MN!)

RebelMum, thanks for the Magic Toddler tea tip, I'll try that next time!

I don't think anyone actually said being a SAHP is easier than going out to work...

No, no one said it was easier to be a sahp. That is a very defensive assumption.

My defensive assumption is based on the following:

• sitting at home, even with ill toddler IS MUCH EASIER than getting up, going to your workplace and having to remain alert all day

• and tbh, whilst my Kids at times got at me...but really, it is easier to be a SAHM

• YABU -I think that the person going to work needs the sleep, the person at home with the sick DC can catch up during the day

• He is going to work. you are sitting at home all day.

• if one of you is working full time and the other is at home full time, it's a bit of a no brainer

• you are being completely selfish. Your dh has to go to work, support him.

• the following day is much easier for the SAHM as you can choose to do as little as possible

So actually, some people did say it was easier being a SAHM, and that was what I was responding to.