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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that "I have to go to work tomorrow" is not a good enough excuse not to help out when ds is ill in the night?

162 replies

rebelmum72 · 01/12/2008 10:34

This is now the second time this has happened and I am somewhat pissed off with my otherwise-damn-near-perfect dh.

Ds has been coming down with a cold over the weekend, and last night started coughing like mad at around 11pm, just as we were going to bed. From then on until the morning, he didn't sleep for more than about 15mins in one go, apart from one measly hour between 3am and 4am.

This meant that I was constantly getting up, bringing him cough medicine, making tea, getting him to drink the tea, changing nappies and generally trying to calm him down. It was a horrible night, ds could not stop coughing and crying and I was at my wits' end what to do.

After the first time he woke up, my dh turned over in bed and said "I'm going to sleep, I've got to go to work in the morning" which annoyed me because a)I could have done with a bit of practical help and support and b)I could have just as easily and (I think) justifiably said "I'm going to sleep, I've got to look after a sick toddler tomorrow".

I don't mind being the one to get up in the night when ds has had a bad dream or needs water or something like that. But I feel this is different. I'm now absolutely knackered, and ds is being sooo demanding (which is fair enough as he's not well), I really could have done with a bit more support last night, even if was just making the tea while I tried to calm down ds.

AIBU to be annoyed with my dh about this?

OP posts:
wotulookinat · 01/12/2008 23:23

I think I posted on the wrong thread. I have no idea how that happened.

ChristmasFairySantAsSLut · 01/12/2008 23:33

lol, easily if you are on a laptop or a bit tipsy.....not that I would know, of course

skidoodle · 01/12/2008 23:46

YANBU

You both "have to work tomorrow"

When DD is unwell I make DH get up with me even though he is capable (as I am not) of sleeping while she is awake and upset.

I will deal with any normal nighttime issues - teething, hunger, general grumps

But if she's genuinely not OK in some way then I need support. Even if DH can't do anything, I don't want to have to cope with that awful stressful feeling of being awake half the night with a screaming baby alone. Solidarity matters in that circumstance. Having a baby is something we do together, and both being knackered after a hard night looking after our daughter and supporting each other through it, is a kind of closeness.

I work FT BTW, but I don't really see that that has any bearing on it. One sleepless night is copable with. You can get by on adrenalin the next day.

If it goes on then you need to strategise and split the nights as best you can.

merryberry · 02/12/2008 08:25

how's it going rebelmum?
my two on the mend i think today.
will set foot outside and see how that goes...

claw3 · 02/12/2008 08:40

YABU - Im sure your child will sleep at some time today if ill, when you will also be able to have a nap with him. Im sure your DH wont have the same opportunity at work.

Hope he gets better soon.

Boobalina · 02/12/2008 12:31

I think you just wanted some support, probably more emotionally than DH actually getting up and faffing about.

When you are at home with the kids, being told 'I have to go to work / I've been at work all day' can really grate sometimes because it can be taken as a slight on what you do all day i.e not deemed as work.

I'm sure if he said, thanks for looking after LO, you did a great job and thanks for being up all night with him - it wouldnt be such an issue.

It IS a classic wrankle that wont really go away. The onyl way me and OH became equal again was when I came back to work after second child.... sad, but true. Now I just do all the home stuff (with the privilged aid of a cleaner - I am lucky) and work 4 days a week!

I think some comments may be a bit fierce because you have jsut the one child... dont shoot me. But when you have more than one, you look back and realise in retrospect that it is easier with one (although ti doestn feel like it at the time).

Just roll with it and make him run you a bath tonight and cook supper - fair trade off.

BEAUTlFUL · 02/12/2008 14:21

Sorry -- one bit caught my eye... You gave your DS tea? What, real tea? How old is he? Is this special cold-remedy tea or normal PG Tips?

Does tea cure colds? It's caffeinated so it will keep him awake...?

Please answer, I am now gripped by the idea of MagicalToddlerTea!

feelingfestive · 02/12/2008 14:46

YANBU! Some of these responses are bizarre IMO - I really do sometimes think that women are their own worst enemies.

Being a SAHM with an ill child is not easy in any way! It is stressful and exhausting, there are often decisions to be made re. whether you need to seek medical help (whose child just sits happily on the sofa needing the odd drink??) and surely the point of a partnership is that you share the rubbish times between you.

OK if he has the most important meeting of the year or a vital exam the next day (altho FWIW I was up all night with my dc before Finals because I couldn't not be and I didn't think dh should have to clear up vomit on his own). But just a day at work? Like many of us I have done both and I believe that a day at home with an ill toddler after a dreadful night is far worse than keeping your head down at work an having a couple of extra coffees.

chocolatedot · 02/12/2008 14:55

All of my three children lie on the sofa watching telly when they're ill. They're far easier to look after than when they're full of energy.

barnsleybelle · 02/12/2008 15:01

Of course YANBU... This kind of situ always amazes me.. When our dc's are ill in the night dh always helps out, not because of any competition as to who needs the most sleep and who will be busiest tomorrow, but because he wants to be for the children.

I've never understood how one parent can possibly get back to sleep when their child is up crying and distressed through illness.

pointydog · 02/12/2008 19:32

I find it easy to get back to sleep if I know dh is on th ecase. I know he will do a good job and I know the children will be just as happy with him. A small baby might be a bit different.

spicemonster · 02/12/2008 19:43

Of course children are demanding but you can shove a single child (and we are just talking about one here, not a football team) in front of the telly.

If my DS is ill in the night, I'd kill to be able to slob at home with him that work. I worked 60 hours last week, there's no 'downtime' where I can chat and surf the net. I have clients to meet and deadlines to make and a huge amount of pressure.

Being a SAHM is tedious but no one is going to fire you if you burn dinner. That's a very real possibility in a lot of jobs in the current climate. Stop being such a bunch of sissies!

ShyBaby · 02/12/2008 19:45

yabu.

Im probably going to be sacked soon because my work has slipped. My work has slipped because im farking knackered...my parenting has also slipped because im farking knackered. Im pissing everyone off at the moment because I cant do it all.

Ive done the staying in the hospital all night and going to work the next morn with zero sleep and its not good. I never got sympathy, I got bollocked for doing a crap job

googgly · 02/12/2008 19:52

dunno really. It seems to me that if you've only got one child and don't actually have to be anywhere that day then hanging out with said child in pjs all day is easier to do on no sleep at all than going into the office would be.

I can't understand why you didn't make him get up at, say, 5am and take over so you could at least have 2.5 hrs.

findtheriver · 02/12/2008 19:57

YABU.

No one is saying that looking after a poorly toddler is easy. But worst case scenario is that you'll spend a low key day, both of you in your pjs on the sofa with a lot of telly. You can't have a 'low key' day in most jobs - your work has to be up to scratch, you have to be on the ball, meeting targets and deadlines.

If you were both having to get up and go to work the next day, yes it would be entirely reasonable that you both take an equal share of any getting up in the night. But if one of you is at home, then you should take responsibility.

georgimama · 02/12/2008 20:04

As so often occurs, I'm with Quattro, findtheriver and rhonaldino on this. I don't think anyone thinks being a SAHM is easy but you have more control over how you spend your day after a broken night (ie not doing much) than your husband does at work. You are being a mite bit unreasonable.

peacelily · 02/12/2008 20:13

This thread has taken a different turn than a lot of threads in this ilk, usually in these types of debates the wrath of SAHMs is incured e.g. "you think going to work is harder than looking after children??? Really? At least at work you get a BREAK rah rah etc. etc.".

But now "you have to be alert,on the ball etc for work" "as a SAHM you can have a low key day whenever you feel like it" REALLY??? How opinion sways.

I don't know whether YABU or not, I think both roles are hard in different ways, but I know I cannot go into work even slightly below par or could miss something v important and end up in court. Have managed to fuzz through days with dd not on a clear head without panicking like I would at work.

But was only a SAHM for 7 months mat leave so what do I know....

findtheriver · 02/12/2008 20:19

I think you sum it up well, peacelily.

I was home on maternity leaves with my children, and on the last one was coping with a newborn plus 14 month old plus 3 yr old. Of course it wasn't easy - it was hard work! But ultimately, I could pretty much choose how to spend my day - if I'd been up in the night a lot, then we'd have a low key day -apart from walking 3 year old to playgroup, collecting etc- I could pretty much call the shots.

When you're at work, you have responsibilities which are much broader and often more complex than those in the home. In some jobs, a careless mistake can be disastrous.

BEAUTlFUL · 02/12/2008 21:21

What about the TEA??! What's with the nocturnal baby-brews?

georgimama · 02/12/2008 21:45

My nephew drinks tea, Beautiful, he's 2.3 years. It is an addiction in our family.

MarxAndSparks · 02/12/2008 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colacubes · 02/12/2008 21:56

I agree you have to be alert at work, you need to be much more in tuned to your environment, than when you're at home, but i have to say that working mums still get up, while the majority are asleep, so yes if you are at home, its probably best you get up, unless you are ill also, but it is the default setting of the majority of men to stay put while we struggle on.

Cocoapops · 02/12/2008 21:57

OOh you haev decisions to make liek " do we need to go to the doctor"

God that will take you minutes HOURS

findtheriver · 02/12/2008 21:59

You're quite right that in fact more accidents happen at home. I don't think you can truly compare the two situations though. If I was having a day at home with a poorly toddler, I'd keep it low key - I wouldnt be spending hours slaving at the cooker, washing the floors, or up a step ladder decorating. In other words, I think we can safely say the opportunities for having an accident can be limited more easily than at work, where no one is going to make allowances just because you've been up half the night!

And of course you're far less likely to be sued if you screw up at home!!

pointydog · 02/12/2008 22:03

what's with the accidents line? Again, depends on your job. A bus driver having a tiredness-related accident would be more serious than stubbing your toe at home