Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that "I have to go to work tomorrow" is not a good enough excuse not to help out when ds is ill in the night?

162 replies

rebelmum72 · 01/12/2008 10:34

This is now the second time this has happened and I am somewhat pissed off with my otherwise-damn-near-perfect dh.

Ds has been coming down with a cold over the weekend, and last night started coughing like mad at around 11pm, just as we were going to bed. From then on until the morning, he didn't sleep for more than about 15mins in one go, apart from one measly hour between 3am and 4am.

This meant that I was constantly getting up, bringing him cough medicine, making tea, getting him to drink the tea, changing nappies and generally trying to calm him down. It was a horrible night, ds could not stop coughing and crying and I was at my wits' end what to do.

After the first time he woke up, my dh turned over in bed and said "I'm going to sleep, I've got to go to work in the morning" which annoyed me because a)I could have done with a bit of practical help and support and b)I could have just as easily and (I think) justifiably said "I'm going to sleep, I've got to look after a sick toddler tomorrow".

I don't mind being the one to get up in the night when ds has had a bad dream or needs water or something like that. But I feel this is different. I'm now absolutely knackered, and ds is being sooo demanding (which is fair enough as he's not well), I really could have done with a bit more support last night, even if was just making the tea while I tried to calm down ds.

AIBU to be annoyed with my dh about this?

OP posts:
megandtyler · 01/12/2008 12:37

my ds is poorly and i was up all night while my husband was on nights! i went to bed at half five he cam home at seven fed the baby got dd ready for school took her to school then waited for me to get up at ten before going to bed himself.It has to be give and take.
yanbu get an early night tonight leave hubby with ds .
good luck it's horrible when babas are ill

Poppycake · 01/12/2008 12:50

hmmm, I think YAB a bit U, but I think from your posts it would have all been OK if dh had just appreciated it. I'm willing him to say, just as he comes in the door tonight "thanks so much for looking after little x last night, you were an absolute trooper." Because everyone needs a bit of appreciation now and then!

I'm FT and we've both been up with our youngest a lot of the past two nights. So I'm on the caffeine and just praying I don't do anything stupid!

ChristmasFairySantAsSLut · 01/12/2008 12:52

YABU....alhtough it would have been nice had he been a little bit more supportive....but really if he has to go to work today, presumably/possibly driving in a car to and from and well, having to keep up a job to earn the pennies....than realy he shouldn't be expected to be up all night, too.

YOu can always have a low laying snuggly day today with your poorly tot...
just take it as easy as possible, only do what realy needs to be done, and flake out, wiht possibly some treats infront of some nice x-massy movies, or some such!

Quattrocento · 01/12/2008 12:59

YABU

rookiemater · 01/12/2008 15:18

It depends. If your DS is sick for one night only then I suppose it is fair enough that you look after him, on the basis that he will be tired today ( fingers crossed) and can be plonked in front of the TV without the usual guilt that this invokes. However if it were me then there would be no home cooking or cleaning as you need a chance to recuperate as well.

If however DS is up again for a few nights, then it is not unreasonable to expect your DH to take his turn ( by the way pet peeve of mine is using the term "help out" for a father to take responsibility for his own DC, perhaps parenting is more appropriate ) as you cannot be expected to function in the longer term without any sleep.

bertieboo · 01/12/2008 15:44

YANBU
I think it is much harder to be a SAHM with a sick child than it is to go to work.
I am a WOHM and I take my hat off to all you SAHM. At work during quiet times I get to chat to colleagues, surf the internet (as I am now) and eat and use the loo when I need it. I don' get to do any of that when I am at home!
When my DD is sick my DH brings her into our bed and he takes himself off to the guest room. It drives me absolutely potty, as I think he believes, as the mother I have "more" responsability than him to look after our child.
I think this is where the OP is coming from - the fact that the buck always stops with mummy.

elkiedee · 01/12/2008 15:51

YANBU, I don't think. It depends a bit on what job dh does but lots of jobs are less hard than being with a sick toddler all day. Particularly if he's going to take the same attitude when he gets home/overnight.

I also think that he could at least have made sure you had the opportunity to have a shower and breakfast this morning, since he'd had some sleep, whether this means a slight change to routine or getting up a bit earlier himself.

KristinaM · 01/12/2008 16:01

i think he should at least have got up at 5 to let you have a couple of hours sleep. i would nor be impressed either

can you go to bed at 7 tonight while your dh does the 7-12 shift

NoPresentsInVictorianSqualor · 01/12/2008 16:49

Can I ask, those of you that think being at work is easier than staying at home with a sick toddler, have you ever been a SAHM?
I'm a SAHM and at times I find it tedious, sometimes really hard, just like I have found it tedious and really hard when I've been working but I really don't see what is 'hard' about sitting with a poorly toddler all day!
All they do is lay on the sofa and need regular drinks and medicine even plants are harder to look after!

merryberry · 01/12/2008 18:13

in my last job i ran london's infectious disease surveillance systems. i used my training and nouse and managerial skills to do it. was interesting, had a laugh, could get overtired and would then take breaks.

today i worked 0530 until now with no guarantee of any breaks at all. i got 43 minutes in total counted for my mate on sabbatical as we're in a daft competetiion about how little work she can do. so breaks not so bad. just horribly random. i've worried a lot about the state of the 8 month old. i've had to decontaminate several pieces of furniture, bedding, house and child 11 times today during times that they've been quiet enough to leave alone. the 3 yrd old managed a 3 hour stretch of sleep during which the baby coughed so hard he was sick twice, and cried the rest of the time, so i sat under him and calmed him along. i've had to placate the toddler upset at the baby being upset, and calm the baby upset by the toddler dropping the odd pin.

i would rather take another sars outbreak and all the incoming planes to worry about anyday over sick kids at home.

PersephoneSnape · 01/12/2008 18:27

I couldn't wait to get back to work after SAHMing on Mat leave, because you get to take coffee breaks and talk to Adults, although the company of my children is somewhat preferable on occasion.

theer really shouldn't be a WOHM/SAHM fight on this. OP ( i think) just feels a bit put upon and neglected (and absol-fucking-lutely exhausted) Hope you had a quieter day and when DH gets home have a nice long bath and go to bed.

when children are ill couples should pull together, if DH works then there should be a kind of lesser % of care possible as he ha srto get dressed, commute etc, but he should still do some of it, even if he gets up and takes the first couple of hours and then has a sleep.

TheCrackFox · 01/12/2008 18:29

Op, sorry I think YABU. (just a tiny bit)

I am a SAHM and I would fully expect to do the night shift. My DH is a chef so he works long hours and it is very physical. There is no point everyone being tired and grumpy the next day.

goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 01/12/2008 18:40

I also think YABU a little tbh.

And I don't think there's much of a toss up between being at work all day and looking after a sick toddler............can't say I've ever had one of those mysterious toddlers that lie on the sofa all day and sleep (and I'm onto my 3rd toddler now).

I used to have the opposite problem actually - exH used to insist on doing much of the "night" shift with the DS's - and I worried endlessly about it as his job involved being in the car for most of the day.

And yes - I did actually very easily go back to sleep even when one of them was still making noise, as soon as I heard exH get up I'd crash again........

MsSparkle · 01/12/2008 18:46

I think YABU. I agree that parenting should be shared etc but tbh, you being tired the next day with a sick toddler is not going to effect anyone else other than yourself. I do really feel for you, it's not nice because being tired with a sick toddler, i understand that but i feel it's different for your dh.

If he is really tired the next day, it's going to effect his work performance and could effect his job and make his boss angry with him. I don't know what kind of job he does but it could be dangerous for him to be tired? Or cause him to mistakes?

Jackstini · 01/12/2008 20:11

Have never seen a AIBU so split down the middle! I would say YAB a bit U but so was dh. He could have handled the first hour or 2 then let you take over.
(I am presuming he needs to drive to work and be alert - what does he do for a job)

ChristmasFairySantAsSLut · 01/12/2008 20:15

ponders, if maybe she always had been a rather , far to lazy, sahm to think that having to get up the next day for work, and things you have to do with no choice in the matter (depending on the job, I suppose) was more difficult than staying at home with poorly Kid, where after woken nights I can jsut decide only to do teh most necessary chores and leave the rest for another day....

and tbh, whilst my Kids at times got at me...but really, it is easier to be a SAHM, as in how much I had to do...however, now I study full time...I truely enjoy the course, and I, guiltily, enjoy the recognition of my person rather than in connection to my dh or Kids....however...it is lots more work...and physically harder...and dh and I now sort of share equally enough...

Ronaldinhio · 01/12/2008 20:17

yabu fgs

wotulookinat · 01/12/2008 20:26

Maybe it was taking the piss a bit, but who hasn't told a white lie to get out of work. BUT - it really isn't any of your business, although I can see why you feel it is. Ringing her work is very extreme. No-one likes a grass!

pointydog · 01/12/2008 20:30

yabu

If I was the one at home the next day, I'd be th eone who got up in the night to look after a sick child. Makes sense to me.

MollyCherry · 01/12/2008 20:30

I can see where you're coming from as my DD had the same thing this time last week. Payoff was that she had a sleep everyday and spent the rest of the time snuggled on the sofa watching TV, so I had a pretty easy time of it then

I think it depends what your hubby does - mine is a chef and used to work 7am - 9.45pm shifts 3 times a week, and 12/13 hours shifts on the other days, so even if I was working the following day, I wouldn't have expected him to get up.

Got made redundant in June and am now SAHM so don't get the option anymore!

fishie · 01/12/2008 20:31

if its that bad then your dh could have stayed at home for the morning to give you a rest. there is no point in both of you being up.

ChristmasFairySantAsSLut · 01/12/2008 20:32

????wotulookinat???? who grassed up whom? just confused...have read a fair few of the messages by now...but haven't come across whoever you are talking, too....iykwim

onepieceoflollipop · 01/12/2008 20:39

Would it be possible to communicate this to your dh and have some kind of compromise. I generally ask him to deal with any crisis prior to 2am, after that point I take a turn. (if we are both woh the next day). If I am sah then next day then I am usually more reasonable.

Having said that if he is up (loo or whatever) at say 4am and a dc calls out, he wouldn't then come and insist on waking me up.

There has to be compromise and communication in most aspects of parenting, otherwise you end up pointless point scoring and trying to decide who is hardest done by. (ime)

And in answer to op, we had a similar situation last week. I stayed in pjs one day with the dds until 3pm. Then on Sunday he was ill but I had to work, he sat on sofa and entertained the dds as best he could. We are a team

NoPresentsInVictorianSqualor · 01/12/2008 21:37

ChristmasFairySantAsSLut I think she posted on the wrong thread, there is a thread where someone called someone else's work to grass 'em up.

ChristmasFairySantAsSLut · 01/12/2008 21:42

oh right...phew and there was me wondering about my faculties....

possibly not wrongly though

Swipe left for the next trending thread