AIBU to think that "I have to go to work tomorrow" is not a good enough excuse not to help out when ds is ill in the night?

[rebelmum72]

This is now the second time this has happened and I am somewhat pissed off with my otherwise-damn-near-perfect dh.

Ds has been coming down with a cold over the weekend, and last night started coughing like mad at around 11pm, just as we were going to bed. From then on until the morning, he didn't sleep for more than about 15mins in one go, apart from one measly hour between 3am and 4am.

This meant that I was constantly getting up, bringing him cough medicine, making tea, getting him to drink the tea, changing nappies and generally trying to calm him down. It was a horrible night, ds could not stop coughing and crying and I was at my wits' end what to do.

After the first time he woke up, my dh turned over in bed and said "I'm going to sleep, I've got to go to work in the morning" which annoyed me because a)I could have done with a bit of practical help and support and b)I could have just as easily and (I think) justifiably said "I'm going to sleep, I've got to look after a sick toddler tomorrow".

I don't mind being the one to get up in the night when ds has had a bad dream or needs water or something like that. But I feel this is different. I'm now absolutely knackered, and ds is being sooo demanding (which is fair enough as he's not well), I really could have done with a bit more support last night, even if was just making the tea while I tried to calm down ds.

AIBU to be annoyed with my dh about this?

I do agree that as a SAHM I can usually plan the day go as I please, so yes, we are obviously staying in today, doing whatever it takes to keep ds happy. He is always very demanding and clingy when he is ill, so I am there 100% for him (or the percentage which is awake, anyway )

And actually, now I come to think about it more, it's not that I can't cope today - of course I can - but more the lack of support last night and the general well-it's-got-nothing-to-do-with-me type of attitude which he seems to think is justified because he has to go to work today.

My children never cuddled up on the sofa after a broken night: the more tired out they were, the more hyper they would be.

its difficult because you do work the next day...lokking after your dc! one is not more valid than the other but my dh has quite a stressful job with long hours and i tend to get up in the night because 1) i'm more efficent 2) dh is a soft touch! at the moment i'm 6.5 months pregnant so dh does any night time dramas.

if you were expecting some help in the early night..11 to 1 he should have helped...he then gets a good few hours sleep after that.

i've got work in the morning is not a helpful comment!

A bit of helping out is fine. But if one of you is working full time and the other is at home full time, it's a bit of a no brainer.

What precisely did you want your DH to do? No point you both being up in the night for a sick child. Justifiably you could have woken him at (say) 5.30 and say I've had no sleep can you cope from here on in?

And I'm sorry but sitting at home, even will ill toddler (and I'm not saying that SAHMs spend all day sitting at home, just that you will be doing so today with a sick child and both of you up all night) IS MUCH EASIER than getting up, going to your workplace and having to remain alert all day. I've done both and will take the pyjamas all day, cuddled on sofa, dozing in front of the telly all day option anytime thank you!

To be honest, I don't know how your DH could just turn over and switch off when your DS was so upset.
If DS is up all hours the night before I go to work and DH looks after DS, I try to get some sleep, but just can't if DS doesn't settle. All the sryting upsets me and I don't think it's fair to leave DH struggling with him alone, even though I have to get up at 6am.

YABU. If your DS has been up that much in the night - he will probably sleep in the day and you can have a kip too! Your DH can't. Sorry but as a SAHM - you can think, 'right stuff everything - I'm knackered and just spend today looking after yourself and DS' (I'm a SAHM BTW)

sryting?? I meant crying.
I bet if the shoe was on the other foot and OP was working full-time and her Dh was a SAHD, there is no way the Op would just be able to turn over and go to sleep amid all the crying and upset.
Op is not being selfish at all; her DH is.

YANBU.

Agree that if the boot was on the other foot, there would be no way OP would be allowed to sleep through the night with a sick child.

My DH did half day yesterday at work. I woke up feeling terrible and it lasted all day but as he was only doing half a day, it was bearable because I was anticipating some kind of help later on in the day.

Anyway, by evening, I felt awful and wanted to go to bed. DH fed DS but rather than doing it quietly, he does it in the bedroom with the light on and the stereo. DS is now wide awake and won't settle back to sleep. DH then announces he is going to bed as he is soooo tired, leaving me ill with wide awake DS and the current joy of DD refusing to get ready for school in the morning. Thanks a bunch.

Lucky I'm a SAHM really, so I can sit around all day feeling sorry for myself

YABU.

he has to go to work. presumably this means he needs some sort of a clear head.

not meaning to be mean, but you are staying at home, can put telly on and not need to use your brain.

YABU. If he has to commute, do a job involving decision making, clear communication or even something dangerous like roofing, he needs his sleep.

Chances are you can grab a nap during the day if your ds nods off.

I'm afraid that's the downside of being a SAHM

It's a tough one, and I think the answer lies with you to be honest.
Every couple has it's own rythym, and share of the chores/housework etc. If you FEEL that it is unreasonable for your relationship, then that is the most important thing. You don't want to resent your husband any more than your husband wants you to resent him.
I say have a chat, explain how you feel, and see if you can get in a nice early night tonight whilst he takes care of ds until dh goes to bed. At least then you can get a few hours shut eye in, incase it's another restless night(and maybe you can see if you can get a nice lie in on Sat or Sun to catch up)
Best of luck!

yabu ish
i would never expect dh to get up in the week, the weekend is a different matter.if ive had to clear vomit/poo hes cleaned her and ive cleaned up.hes quite good if shes very ill.

As I said a few posts up, it's not that I can't cope with the day, of course I can, although, having also worked full time for many years, I think I'd choose a day at work (albeit a bit tired) over a day with a sick toddler, and I say this as someone who LOVES being a SAHM. Small children when ill are Not Fun and Not Easy.
I'm off to the doc's with him now.

I work p/t in a relatively demanding job

and I reakon it's easier working than being at home with a sick toddler.

We do one night on, one off when one of ours is poorly.

I don't think are being unreasonable to expect a token offer of help. If that was my DH I'd have liked him to get up even for 20 minutes to offer support, then go back to bed for plenty of sleep with an offer of me waking him if I really needed him.

I'd have been grateful for even that little support because at 3am everything seems more awful than it is and just a quick squeeze and being handed a cuppa would help.

Hope your DS feels better today.

YABU

I work FT and a couple of weeks ago DD was up loads in the night because of a chest infection, DP had a couple of days off that week and he got up in the night. I would have been quite pissed off if he had made me get up when he was just vegging out the next day.

IMO "I have to go to work tomorrow" is a good excuse to not to get up in the night. Whilst it would have been nice for you it is not necessary for two people to be up in the night when child is ill with cold.

YABU.
If it's a job one person can do then only one person needs to get up.

Whenever any of the children get up in the night sun-thurs I deal with it, because if need be I can spend the next day slopping about and ignoring anything else I was going to do that day. DP cannot. It's not like he can go into work and say 'Oh, I'm really tired as I was up with the baby so I shall only do 50% of what I normally do today' you can.

All you have to do today is look after one poorly child. Leave everything and get DH to do anything that desperately needs doing when he gets in.

I have woken him up for a hand if I need one, like Anna said, DS1 was sick recently and I yelled DP to get up and take him into the bathroom and clean him up/check he wasn't going to be sick again, while I changed his bed and cleaned up.

YABslightlyU. I can't see any point in 2 people being tired and grumpy the next day.

Bit different if it was the weekend or had been going on for several days or you were ill.