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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that "I have to go to work tomorrow" is not a good enough excuse not to help out when ds is ill in the night?

162 replies

rebelmum72 · 01/12/2008 10:34

This is now the second time this has happened and I am somewhat pissed off with my otherwise-damn-near-perfect dh.

Ds has been coming down with a cold over the weekend, and last night started coughing like mad at around 11pm, just as we were going to bed. From then on until the morning, he didn't sleep for more than about 15mins in one go, apart from one measly hour between 3am and 4am.

This meant that I was constantly getting up, bringing him cough medicine, making tea, getting him to drink the tea, changing nappies and generally trying to calm him down. It was a horrible night, ds could not stop coughing and crying and I was at my wits' end what to do.

After the first time he woke up, my dh turned over in bed and said "I'm going to sleep, I've got to go to work in the morning" which annoyed me because a)I could have done with a bit of practical help and support and b)I could have just as easily and (I think) justifiably said "I'm going to sleep, I've got to look after a sick toddler tomorrow".

I don't mind being the one to get up in the night when ds has had a bad dream or needs water or something like that. But I feel this is different. I'm now absolutely knackered, and ds is being sooo demanding (which is fair enough as he's not well), I really could have done with a bit more support last night, even if was just making the tea while I tried to calm down ds.

AIBU to be annoyed with my dh about this?

OP posts:
georgimama · 03/12/2008 22:08

Not easier being a SAHM full stop, no one said that.

Easier after a broken night with a child than being at work and on the ball, where you risk getting sacked or bollocked if you fuck up, yes, it is. I work fulltime. When DS is ill, either I or DH (who also works full time and is self employed, so if he fucks up he doesn't earn any money) have to get up to him. He usually wakes us both but frankly he wants me.

I then go to work and it is hard. Staying at home with DS, even lumping him around whilst whinging, would in that situation be easier than having to function and advise clients at work. Sorry if that offends but it is true.

pudding25 · 03/12/2008 22:23

I think it depends what job he does and how much he needs to concentrate at work.

FWIW, I am dreading going back to work. At the moment, when I am knackered after a bad night, I just have to make it through the day, can lie down when dd does and go and see a friend to keep us occupied.

When I go back to work, I am going to have to get there for 8am, teach 30 kids all day then come home, sort out dd and then do some work when she goes to bed. The thought of doing that after a bad night fills me with horror. I would much rather have a day at home.

skidoodle · 03/12/2008 22:58

LOL

There is a lot of sissiness on this thread and it's not coming from the SAHP

All these people constantly on the brink of being sacked if they're not completely "on-the-ball" at all times during the working day, who get no breaks at all, not even for lunch, and all seem to operate dangerous machinery and have to make frequent life-and-death decisions

AND they have toddlers who are quiet and contented while sick

Sorry, but I don't believe a word of it

most jobs are not that high-octane and most toddlers are not that placid.

Even if someone was going to get to go back to sleep, and even if it was decided that it would be him, that should have been a joint decision. Assuming that it's somebody else's job to look after your sick child is shitbag behaviour. You get up, you show willing, and you try to figure out together how you're going to handle it.

Highlander said it well - nobody should get to opt out of being a parent just because it's inconvenient.

rebelmum hope your DS is feeling better.

That was hilarious that people kept claiming you hadn't been told that being a SAHP was easier and you just produced the quotes

NoPresentsInVictorianSqualor · 04/12/2008 09:18

Being a SAHP with a sick child after not much sleep is easier than being a WOHP with not much sleep, because (as many said) you can do the minimal amount, at work (not in all jobs) you can't.

FWIW, We accidently stumbled on the perfect balance last night as my very poorly 7month old was up most of the night. DP helped for the first hour as it was when we went to bed (he got nappies, medicines, wet flannels etc) but I did the night shift. When ds2 woke up screaming at 6, dp got up to him and told me to stay in bed, he sorted the eldest two for school and I didn't get up til just before he left for work.
Sorted.

chocolatedot · 04/12/2008 09:23

Can't agree with you skidoodle.

NoPresentsInVictorianSqualor · 04/12/2008 09:25

Oh, and every one of these quotes.....

"- sitting at home, even with ill toddler IS MUCH EASIER than getting up, going to your workplace and having to remain alert all day

  • and tbh, whilst my Kids at times got at me...but really, it is easier to be a SAHM
  • YABU -I think that the person going to work needs the sleep, the person at home with the sick DC can catch up during the day
  • He is going to work. you are sitting at home all day.
  • if one of you is working full time and the other is at home full time, it's a bit of a no brainer
  • you are being completely selfish. Your dh has to go to work, support him.
  • the following day is much easier for the SAHM as you can choose to do as little as possible"

is saying that that situation is easier for a SAHP, NOT that the role in general is easier.

Helsbels4 · 04/12/2008 10:13

Rebelmum72, I hope your ds is feeling brighter today. I think that your dh was insensitive at the very least. I'm currently a sahm but thinking back to my last job, it would definitely have been easier to do that on a full nights sleep compared to looking after an ill toddler with practically no shut-eye! Mine definitely aren't the sit quietly, slobbing in front of the tv types, so would be no opportunity for a nap when they did. It completely depends on what job your dh does and whether he's doing something dangerous/mentally demanding or sitting numbly in an office doing nothing particularly demanding. If I were you, as he walks through the door I'd hand ds to him with a smile and say you're going to bed now.

MarxAndSparks · 04/12/2008 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lisalisa · 04/12/2008 10:18

Hmmmm - well i'll tell you what I think having been a sahm whilst on mat leave for a year at a time ( so long termish) and also a working mum.

It is in my opinion a lot harder to get up having had a crap night's sleep and go to work than it is to stay home. If you stay home you can veg out in old clothes/ pjs even and doze wiht toddler, curl up and watch videso etc and generally not be very alert or on the ball. If you have to go out in the world hoewver and answer to your employers ( and depending on yr job) sound literaate and communicative that ccan be bloody tough wiht bags around your eyes and no sleep.

I remember doing it as a city lawyer with no sleep and sometimes i used to go in the loo and bawl( I have a crap dh who will never get up). I remember doing it as a sahm ( with more than one child at home) and it was tough but bearable as i used to make sure I got at least some shut eye in teh day if not in bed then on couch.

So - hard hat on - I do sympathise with your dh but only on the gong to work thing as I think that dhs who won't get up if their wieves work as well stink.

NoPresentsInVictorianSqualor · 04/12/2008 10:41

She said "After the first time he woke up, my dh turned over in bed and said "I'm going to sleep, I've got to go to work in the morning"" so he did help her with the first waking. non?

MarxAndSparks · 04/12/2008 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sunflower100 · 04/12/2008 12:03

I find it much easier to go to work than cope with a sick toddler if I've had no sleep. Anyway it doesn't need to be all or nothing- he could have given you a couple of hours sleep - then you both feel OK-ish the next day- thought thats what marriage was all about!

chocolatedot · 04/12/2008 12:07

I was a SAHP parent for 5 years, worked in a high pressure job for the first 5 years of parenthood and now work part time.

Give me a day at home with ONE child any day over having to get up, get dressed up, put make up on, commute to work and sit behind a desk doing a difficult job.

I simply don't understand why 2 people need to get up to attend to one small child nor what on earth the said sick child (who apparently has had a sleepless night) is actually doing the following day which makes them so demanding. Mine really do want to rest when they are ill although of course they will ask for drinks/ cuddles/ entertainment and so on.

belgo · 04/12/2008 12:19

sorry, YABU.

Agree with Anna8888.

trixiethepixie · 04/12/2008 12:30

Not going to get into the whole SAHM/working mums battle but referring to the op I think yab a bit u (but just a bit). I have looked after my ds when he's ill and let dp sleep as he works the next day. It is very hard work to look after sick babies/toddlers though.

I hope he will compromise at the wkend - fri or sat night it's his turn as he's not for work the next day. Or I head to bed for a couple of hours when dp gets home and he looks after ds so I have the chance for a couple of hours shuteye before I'm up half the night again.

Hope your ds is feeling better now

spokette · 04/12/2008 12:35

FGS, OP is being so unreasonable.
You are at home so can put your feet up and rest with your DC whilst your DH has to go out to work and cannot put his feet up.

When I was on maternity leave with my DTS, I told DH to sleep in the spare bedroom and that I would deal with the twins because I wanted him to be alert for his travel to work and to be able to function properly too. When I returned to work, we both took turns in getting up at night

You have one child. Get some stamina as well as perspective and stop being a wimp.

pamelat · 04/12/2008 12:47

I haven't read all of this but I would be cross with him.

My DH now does most of the night wakings (I did every one for the first 6 months because I was breast feeding) so I feel that I am "owed" some time back AND going to work is a lot easier than staying at home (I say this as someone nearing the end of a years maternity leave)

Take today, my DH has a 6 hour return train journey and a 2 hour meeting. I have a grumpy, crawling, poorly 11 month old.

pamelat · 04/12/2008 12:48

My DD would not sit and watch TV either, she is a very active and vocal child!!!

Original poster
rebelmum72 · 04/12/2008 12:55

Just to clarify one point, my dh has a job which is sometimes very stressful and sometimes not at all. He drives to and from work but does not have to operate any machinery (unless a pc counts ). He is at middle management level, so he has to deal with people quite a bit, but it's mainly in-house, he's not making presentations to clients all day.

The day after ds was so ill, he was (easily and at short notice) able to come home earlier (at 3) so we could go to a non-urgent not-vital appointment.

So while I appreciate that he is at work all day and of course he is not in charge of his time the way a SAHP is, he does actually have quite a bit of flexibility within that job, which was what made me very at the "I'm going to sleep, I've got to go to work tomorrow" comment.

I must add that dh has been great apart from that one thing, and has been helping out when he gets in from work (did indeed bring takeaway so I didn't have to cook, took dog out for walk as I didn't think ds should be out in the cold for such a long time etc).

So I guess I am being unreasonable to zone in on that one little comment, but really, it pissed me off so much that he thought he could just turn over and go to sleep because he goes out to work.

OP posts:
pamelat · 04/12/2008 13:09

He sounds a bit like my DH, wonderful but resents night wakings (who wouldnt I suppose)

I found that it was a lot better once I left Dh alone with DD for a whole weekend, ever since then he has been a star at helping me.

I asked whether he would like her all week instead and he doesn't want that!

pamelat · 04/12/2008 13:09

He sounds a bit like my DH, wonderful but resents night wakings (who wouldnt I suppose)

I found that it was a lot better once I left Dh alone with DD for a whole weekend, ever since then he has been a star at helping me.

I asked whether he would like her all week instead and he doesn't want that!

earthpixie · 04/12/2008 13:16

I'm finding this thread v interesting. I work 45 hours a week while DH is a SAHF with DS (21 months). DS still doesn't sleep though and has a nasty cold at the moment. I was up with him last night for about 90 minutes in total and got up at 6:20 to drive 22 miles to work. DH often does the night shift with him, but not always. I still feel that it should be me getting up with him and have to discipline myself to let DH handle it.

As a teacher I have long holidays and find caring for DS just as, if not more demanding than work, but in a different way.

feelingfestive · 04/12/2008 13:33

Well said rebelmum72. I am amazed you are getting such a hard time - it is a blatant NBU for me.

This thread is not about who is most tired, busiest or most put upon. It is about being partners - supporting each other when stressed, caring for the child that you both share.

But maybe there are just two types of toddlers?! Those that sit on the sofa and doze in an uncomplaining fashion after being up all night and those (like rebelmum's and mine) that wail, demand attention and cause major amounts of anxiety. Obviously lounging around in pjs giving the odd drink does not require emotional or practical support. But rebelmum would have felt more valued, supported and probably sane if dh had pitched in.

P.S. lol at whoever took the piss out of everyone's super demanding jobs! I have done a high pressure City job too and also been a junior doctor. Both are eminently doable when exhausted (not being exhausted would be rare, in fact) - you just get on with it. But the difference is you are tired and stressed as part of a team. And IMO it is the loneliness that is hardest about being up with an ill child. Your dh should be part of the team too.

time4me · 04/12/2008 13:47

Yes.Hateful getting up for work if you are ill or not,poor dh

cheeseandsproutssarnie · 04/12/2008 13:52

yabu.one night one child and a cough.