to be very pissed off at DH for, amongst other things, cleaning DS's bum with Milton wipes and therefore making it bleed?

[ilikeyoursleeves]

ARGH!!!!

I have just gone back to work after a year M/L and DH has DS for one day a week. For the year I was off I have done 99% of looking after DS. DH plays with him and loves him to bits but has been frankly crap at the practical side. He barely ever changes nappies, never fed him (DS was breastfed at first but he still wouldn't give him food once he was weaned), I am the one to comfort him, take him out etc.

So when I went back to work I had to tell DH what to do re food etc but he is the type who can't ever be told what to do and just wings it. I said you can't really wing it with a baby and there was loads I do that he has no idea about. Anyway, things seemed to be fine over the past few weeks of me being back at work but DS has had a sore bum, I put it down to teething. Until tonight when I realised DH has been using bloody MILTON wipes on DS's bum!!!!! He thought they were baby wipes!!!! I was so angry cos when I changed DS's nappy tonight he was crying so much and his bum was all red raw and bleeding. I said to DH what they were and how it's unbelievable that despite his son being over a year old, he STILL doesn't know what bloody baby wipes are! (and he has used baby wipes before obviously) So DH then started yelling at me saying that it was MY fault for leaving the Milton wipes out, how was he to know that they aren't baby wipes. OK perhaps fair enough in a way but for someone to have a one year old son and not know this is pretty bad don't you think? He then started yelling at me saying that I treat him like I child when I 'tell' him what to do, but I feel I have to 'tell' him things as he just won't listen and tries to 'wing it' all the time. Like last week when I told him what to take out with him in DS's bag (nappies, wipes, food, water etc)- he said he was listening but all he ended up taking out was food and nothing else. ARGH!

I just feel he doesn't listen but he then makes me feel like I'm the biggest nag on earth when I ask him to do things. He said he doesn't want any more kids if I keep going like this so I yelled I'd just have them with someone else. Not that I would (or could, given DS was IVF) but now I feel shit. I said I obviously didn't mean what I said but he just said he didn't want to know anymore and stormed off to have a bath. Now he is on his way out the door for the night.

Bloody bloody bloody men!!!

Am I being a mad controlling hormonal freak or do you think I'm being reasonable?

I have a vague memory of my mum telling me that her mum used to rub her teeth with Milton to make them whiter . Sounds a bit extreme but I'm sure that's what she said.

Didn't know you could get Milton wipes.

I agree with Ronaldinhio( I am writing from secret underground bunker).I most of the time find it "unfair" the way mother treat the dads who make mistakes. I am sure that once you tell DH the difference between the two wipes (without telling him he is a stupid idiot for not having noticedit all by himself!) he will get it. I do think it is wrong to treat DHs as children and I can understand them being frustrated when efforts on their part are not recognised (even the ones who go wrong).

You have just started working again, you had plenty of time to learn how to take care of your DD because you spent the day with her for quite a while. give your DH a break and a chance to learn not everyone is born the perfect parent as far as I know.

I think he probably blamed her because she jumped at him for it instead of telling hinm in a nice manner about it.constancereader

if dhs behave like children - by not taking responsibility for the care of their own dc (the op's oh uses the 'i go to work' excuse to avoid changing nappies) then they can expect to be told off like children. worse than children; they don't have the excuse of being unable to read/reason/take care of someone else.

stressed mother returns to work, finds dh has, amongst other things, been using wrong wipes which have led to nappy rash, snaps at dh - and it's all her fault for not using a nice manner? don't think so. snapping is not attractive but not many women would feel like telling their dh 'in a nice manner' about their stupid mistake.

"but not many women would feel like telling their dh 'in a nice manner' about their stupid mistake."

I would ermintrude. I have never found it constructive for anyone to bollock me when I screw up. Not sure why anyone else should Pointing out the error, perhaps taking the p* a little, is much more effective. If he does it again a bollocking is in order mind you.

What an idioit to use milton wipes. He needs to learn to listen to you and to follow what you say.

Don't believe the OP is getting a bit of a slating here!

If my DS's bum was bleeding because OH had been using Milton wipes I'd be going mad, because how the hell can you get them mixed up doesn't he know how to read?

There are certain things you have to be softer on them for I have to admit but something like this which is causing their son a great deal of pain I imagine, I wouldnt be soft on just a moronic thing to do!!!

I never realised to what extent all mother were absolutely perfect, so thank you MN for opening my eyes. I must be the only mother in the country who does sometimes (very sedomly mind) not change my child the very second after number 2 is out, or who gives sand paper rough kitchen paper to DD1 for her snotty nose.

If DH had a go at me everytime things go a bit wrong he would certainly not be my DH anymore

i agree with mamadive, its not a minor mistake is it really? not if it caused ehr ds's bum to bleed!

its not that mothers are perfect, but to most people milton wipes are bloody obviously not baby wipes.

Actually, if her dh only looks after their child once a week, and has therefore only used milton wipes once a week, how many times has he changed his nappy and wiped with milton each day he looks after him?

Twice?

Three times?

In one week, and the OP herself (or nursery/cm?) cares for the child 6 days out of 7?

How can you be sure it is the milton wipes that is causing the rash?

Maybe the cause really lies elsewhere?

How refreshing Dominion to see that some people still have got common sense.

I cannot believe she's being flamed here!

And all the women on here spouting crap like it's a typical man thing and you need to train him

What a cop out! I really hope you haven't got sons who you will bring up making the same damaging allowances for!

If a new mum used milton wipes then tried to say well nobody told me the difference we'd tell her to READ THE BLOODY PACKET!

Well I heard of training dogd, not parners! Take them how they are or leave them!

I've not read the whole thread - far too long for my addled brain - but I've never heard of milton wipes. It's entirely possible that if I had to change a friend's baby and there were milton wipes in the bathroom I would have thought they were baby wipes. I'm guessing by the damage they have done that they are not!

OP - hope things are more calm this morning.

This comment made me very sad: "Why they [men] just can't say "oh my god I'm so stupid" I don't know." - REALLY? YOU DON'T KNOW? No one wants to feel like a stupid loser - especially when it comes to managing the most important and loved thing in their lives, i.e. their own baby.

I very much agree with BrokenliSpears' sensible advice:

"When I start feeling grumpy because I feel that we're slipping in to these roles I just refuse to answer any of dp's questions. I do it nicely, but I leave things up to him.

• Shall I give him something to eat?
• I'm not sure, what do you think?
• Shall we change him before we go out?
• You decide."

Men who 'do nothing' generally do so because if they wait long enough someone else will do it. Ladies need to learn this trick instead of being 'efficient mummy' and leaving nothing to be done.

The fact is that women ARE usually the first to bath baby/change nappies/put to bed but unless you let your DP learn the way that you did (i.e. by buggering things up) then you'll be doing these things for the next 20 years.

I think it's important to be non-confrontational: So if DP is about to leave the house in January with baby in a vest, it's better to say "Oooh, do you think it might be a bit chilly out? Shall we take this coat just in case?" and leave HIM to decide, rather than saying what you are thinking which is "YOU FECKING IDIOT IT'S MINUS FIVE THE BABY WILL FREEZE!"

Women are great at gate-keeping the management of babies - but they need to learn the art of gentle negotiation and letting go of control.

LOTS of women fall into this trap and I shall forever be thankful that my eyes were opened during pregnancy by the reading of Wolf's Misconceptions otherwise I'd have been one of those women too!

"LOTS of women fall into this trap and I shall forever be thankful that my eyes were opened during pregnancy by the reading of Wolf's Misconceptions otherwise I'd have been one of those women too!"

That wasn't meant to sound QUITE so smug

OP - I do feel for you. And I hope things improve - there's some good advice here. But reading through this thread, one question keeps coming in to my head: why did you decide to let your dh look after your ds one day a week?

Sorry, me again,. Just been to the kitchen and had a cuppa. I now feel calm enough to explain my point of view in a nicer manner.
I dislike men who would be on their wife's case every day because the housework is not perfect or dinner is not on the table as soon as they are in and why on earth have their slippers not been warmed up... as I dislike husband bashing. It is NOT a gender issue.

Now that is one thing out of the way.

I think what some people ,like me, who feel she is BU are trying to say is : the man made a stupid mistake indeed (BTW I never heard of a clever one as yet, mistake that is, not man) but he did not do something that will damage the poor DD for the rest of her life (other than developping a profound dislike for anything or anyone called Milton) and therefore, things should be put in perspective.

I think that is me finally done for the day on that thread as I feel I said everything I possibly could.

I shall go get coffee.....

Cannot understand all the people saying she should have not nagged, but let him do it his way all this time, then he may do more...

he did it 'his way' with the wipes and look what happened.
if left to own devices, it all goes very wrong...
His way dressing baby? - shorts and tee middle of december
his way with the bottles? - tummy upset
his way with the packing of changing bag- no nappy/bottle so baby gets distressed
his way when he gets up with baby in morning? - baby wandering round til lunchtime with a full wet nappy dangling between the legs.
his way with feeding baby?- giving 4 month old curry and chips

Have seen some of this for myself, some fathers are imbeciles.

Maybe she (OP) has done too much from the beginning. Maybe she does need to step back and let him do more but he is still being an ass! There is no way he can lay the blame on her for leaving them out. He is a grown man, not a child. If I was visiting someone else's house and used their changing station I would check cream and stuff. He should have been more careful and I'd be pissed off too.

But the worse thing about this thread is all the woman on here saying 'that's just men.' That is so depressing. That is not men, that is learned laziness.

Haven't read the whole thread, but feel sorry that you are getting a bashing - you obviously just wanted to come on and let off some steam.

YANBU, to be pissed of at him for this mistake. Your poor DS, and you should be allowed to come and shout about it. It may have been an honest mistake but anything causing harm to your DS is bound to make you see red. Maybe the AIBU topic wasn't the best choice of topic (20:20 hindsight eh?) because it's for honest answers rather than sympathy.

I think it's unfair to say its your fault for doing so much of the childcare during your year off. I'm in the middle of my year off and feel like DH wants to relax from his stressful job when he's at home (plus he cooks the evening meal ) so I don't want to force him into anything. I gently encourage him to do stuff, but generally he won't take the initiative. Plus, I am honestly grateful that he goes out to work each day so that I can stay at home for the full year m/l.

morningpaper your advice on asking those questions is good, if one has a DH who will consider them. Mine responds with "if you want". Aaaarghhh those three words drive me crazy and he just can't see why.

morning paper
I said that comment about men should just say "god I'm so stupid". It's exactly what I would say about myself if I'd done that. I certainly wouldn't try to blame someone else. There's no excuse for it and he should stand up to his mistakes like everyone else and move on. Can you imagine a good friend behaving that way?

I feel sorry that you have to help your partner have an interest in his own children. I'm really glad I don't have this kind of pseudo-equal-relationship where you have to try and teach him all the time. How patronising.
Basically anyone is capable of doing the care and the ones who do all the routine stuff the most do it the best as they have had the practice and bought the stuff etc. The least the other can do is actually take on board the advice of the more experienced party.

On a lighter note, I was highly amused to hear that my step father did wipe his bum with cleaning wipes whilst staying at someone's house!

Message withdrawn

You had a bad day, Babbintot????

If leaving the house without nappies makes someone a pathetic idiot, then I am one several times over as, I suspect, most mums are. I've also left the house without food fro my child, my mobile phone, money and (in one particularly interesting case) the house keys....

We've all made stupid mistakes (as someone here wisely pointed out, there is rarely a wise mistake)... I agree that he could have been more apologetic, but then most people do tend to react defensively when they feel vunerable or have let people down.

The willingness and ability to change is what's key.