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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be very pissed off at DH for, amongst other things, cleaning DS's bum with Milton wipes and therefore making it bleed?

188 replies

ilikeyoursleeves · 20/11/2008 20:24

ARGH!!!!

I have just gone back to work after a year M/L and DH has DS for one day a week. For the year I was off I have done 99% of looking after DS. DH plays with him and loves him to bits but has been frankly crap at the practical side. He barely ever changes nappies, never fed him (DS was breastfed at first but he still wouldn't give him food once he was weaned), I am the one to comfort him, take him out etc.

So when I went back to work I had to tell DH what to do re food etc but he is the type who can't ever be told what to do and just wings it. I said you can't really wing it with a baby and there was loads I do that he has no idea about. Anyway, things seemed to be fine over the past few weeks of me being back at work but DS has had a sore bum, I put it down to teething. Until tonight when I realised DH has been using bloody MILTON wipes on DS's bum!!!!! He thought they were baby wipes!!!! I was so angry cos when I changed DS's nappy tonight he was crying so much and his bum was all red raw and bleeding. I said to DH what they were and how it's unbelievable that despite his son being over a year old, he STILL doesn't know what bloody baby wipes are! (and he has used baby wipes before obviously) So DH then started yelling at me saying that it was MY fault for leaving the Milton wipes out, how was he to know that they aren't baby wipes. OK perhaps fair enough in a way but for someone to have a one year old son and not know this is pretty bad don't you think? He then started yelling at me saying that I treat him like I child when I 'tell' him what to do, but I feel I have to 'tell' him things as he just won't listen and tries to 'wing it' all the time. Like last week when I told him what to take out with him in DS's bag (nappies, wipes, food, water etc)- he said he was listening but all he ended up taking out was food and nothing else. ARGH!

I just feel he doesn't listen but he then makes me feel like I'm the biggest nag on earth when I ask him to do things. He said he doesn't want any more kids if I keep going like this so I yelled I'd just have them with someone else. Not that I would (or could, given DS was IVF) but now I feel shit. I said I obviously didn't mean what I said but he just said he didn't want to know anymore and stormed off to have a bath. Now he is on his way out the door for the night.

Bloody bloody bloody men!!!

Am I being a mad controlling hormonal freak or do you think I'm being reasonable?

OP posts:
dittany · 20/11/2008 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dominion · 20/11/2008 20:58

ermintrude, but you understood the analgoy, weird or not. I dont have the whole evening to think up good analogies....

georgimama · 20/11/2008 20:59

I've never used a Milton wipe, I know Milton is something vaguely to do with babies so I can understand the OP's husband making this mistake. He did it over again because he didn't know he was making a mistake.

Not OK for him to tantrum about it, but he might be finding the adjustment as hard as you, OP?

Personally, and this isn't very MN or feminist but I like my DS in one piece, if DH is going to look after him solo I pack everything/leave everything out for him, point out that it is there and leave him to it. It is easier that way.

DH probably feels really shit and upset so maybe a truce is a good idea.

Lizzylou · 20/11/2008 20:59

I would be annoyed, my DH is like this, doesn't like to be told and doesn't learn for himself either (at least when it comes down to household/domestic tasks). Mind you, when he starts banging on to me about something cmputer related, I tend to switch off too.

YANBU to be v upset, your Son is suffering and you obviously feel bad.
BUT perhaps sit down and have a talk about how you can go from here, and agree some dos and don'ts.
You have to be able to trust him to look after your DS properly and he needs to feel trusted.

tissy · 20/11/2008 21:00

Milton wipes? What do you need those for? There's nothing wrong with hot water and a bit of washing up liquid for getting surfaces clean. Chuck them out.

If you keep the Milton wipes in the same place you change the baby, then it is partly your fault- packets look similar, and my dh probably wouldn't read the label (but then we used washable wipes and warm water).

BrokenliSpears · 20/11/2008 21:00

So what you have here is a communication problem between yourself and your partner. The row tonight is a symptom of that. The Milton wipes thing was a mistake and a fairly easy one to make in my opinion - the guy didn't set out to make his son's bum bleed, so am a bit at posters baying for bleach related revenge. He probably feels embarassed and dreadful.

There is absolutely no point in exploding at him. You would just be wriggling yourself further into the roles that are really not working for you at the moment (you as the one who knows everything and is in charge, him as the dunderhead who can't even be trusted to wipe an arse).

I think you need to talk to each other when you are both calm. Identify the problem - tell him that you hate feeling the pressure of having to be in charge all the time and would like to be able to relax knowing he has things sorted. Ask him how he would prefer you to communicate. Agree to stop nagging and in return, ask him to agree to take some of your requirements seriously.

I may be wrong, but it does seem as though you tend towards control freakery (I can be the same - it is hard not to be sometimes when you are talking about the best thing for your children) but you really need to step back and let your dh make some decisions for himself to build up his confidence. At the moment he seems to be doing that teenage strop thing of "I'll get it wrong anyway so why even try" - if he were confident (a) that he'd get it right, and (b) that you wouldn't automatically criticise, he'd probably do better.

Ronaldinhio · 20/11/2008 21:00

wet wipes are satanic
except for bad stains and cleaning leather sofas

Dominion · 20/11/2008 21:01

Maybe she is a nag?

Maybe she just needs to relinquish control. Now he knows not to use Milton wipes!
And most babies bottoms go red and sore sometime anyway. And the best thing to use for sore bottoms is plain water on a cloth. Arm him with a tube of Metanium, and he will be sorted.

constancereader · 20/11/2008 21:01

Marlasinger - we don't know that all the OP does is "criticise", she has certainly been (justifiably) critical in this situation.

Why is it HER fault? I am really surprised by this.

marlasinger · 20/11/2008 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rookiemater · 20/11/2008 21:01

What are Milton wipes anyway ?

Currently labelling up clock "Ceci n'est pas un baby wipe "

ermintrude13 · 20/11/2008 21:02

Dominion, I meant that comparing your responsibilities towards your dh's jacket to a man's responsibility to care for his own child doesn't really cover it. Not criticising the actual clarity of the perfectly adequately sustained metaphor, honest.

marlasinger · 20/11/2008 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StealthPolarBear · 20/11/2008 21:04

lol at this thread turning into babywipes the source of all evil
My DH is a bit like this, a bit vague and tends to use the first thing to hand without thinking. The other day he wiped his face on a towel we'd been using to clean mould out of the shower - that helped me illustrate my point

dittany · 20/11/2008 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

smeeinit · 20/11/2008 21:05

would Milton wipes cause a babys bottom to bleed??

sorry but i think its just a "typical" man thing...let it go.

georgimama · 20/11/2008 21:05

"we don't know that all the OP does is "criticise", she has certainly been (justifiably) critical in this situation.

Why is it HER fault? I am really surprised by this. "

Well, her response to this (fairly minor) issue was to inform her husband that any further children she has would not be fathered by him as he is so useless so I am detecting a slight hysterical note (and I think I would slam out of house if DH said that to me, although would take DS with me naturally!).

Wigglesworth · 20/11/2008 21:06

That is pretty stupid but I guess it was an honest mistake, I can understand how he may have got them mixed up especially if he hasn't done any nappy changing. To shout at you and then piss off out for the night is pretty shitty though, his poor little boys arse is red raw, he should be begging forgiveness, my DH would be mortified nay suicidal if he had done this to our DS.
Plenty of sudocrem and regular nappy changes along with lots of cuddles from you is needed.

Lizzylou · 20/11/2008 21:06

Yes Georgimama, but she was repsonding to her DH saying he didn't want any more DC with her.

pointydog · 20/11/2008 21:07

what's a milton wipe?

Egg · 20/11/2008 21:09

My DH changes a lot of nappies. Not as many as me as he works and I dont, but he does a fair few (considering we have 3 kids in nappies atm). But he has still used an antibac wipe on DS1 once (sometimes if he tidies up he puts them on the shelf with the baby wipes), and he still has to ask where the nappies are sometimes (always in same place since we moved here last summer).

It drives me mad. But bless him he does try .

georgimama · 20/11/2008 21:09

He said he didn't want any more children full stop due to the control freakery, which is a bit different (and can kind of see his point if this is how she has reacted to his pitiful efforts for the last 12 months, I mean, would you feel motivated? I wouldn't).

Saying that to him is a bit like saying, you can't look after your child properly and you aren't macho enough either, you're just completely shit at everything.

georgimama · 20/11/2008 21:09

He said he didn't want any more children full stop due to the control freakery, which is a bit different (and can kind of see his point if this is how she has reacted to his pitiful efforts for the last 12 months, I mean, would you feel motivated? I wouldn't).

Saying that to him is a bit like saying, you can't look after your child properly and you aren't macho enough either, you're just completely shit at everything.

choosyfloosy · 20/11/2008 21:10

It is bloody hard to hand a precious baby over to someone else and watch them cock up.

But tbh IMO you have to watch them cock up. Better still, go away and let them cock up on their own, until they learn how.

What about the first time your DC runs into the road - when you are looking after him? or when they fall out of a tree, or you say 'oh let him cough' and it turns out to be croup and they puke all over the bed and you have to call an ambulance? Are you going to turn to him for comfort, and what is he going to say?

Parents cock up, and they deserve to be treated as a partner, even so. I'm with brokenlispears in this, although believe me I would also be feeling furious. DH took ds into town to give me a morning off early on, and when I met up with them for lunch, he had not bothered to change ds's nappy at all and it was raw. God I still remember how angry I felt. But what would have been the point of getting angry? It's teamwork; next morning out I suggested putting ds in a disposable so there was no rawness.

PussinJimmyWhoooos · 20/11/2008 21:11

I'm sorry but I cannot believe that people are even defending the DH here...I'd be seething if it was my DH that had done this.

Also, I don't blame the OP for doing 90% of the work because if she leaves it to the DH and he won't listen to what she tells him - the baby suffers for his twatishness. If he wings it and he won't take out all the things needed for the baby's comfort, then as a mother, you would feel the need to keep reminding them to take X, Y, Z to ensure the baby's needs are met.

My Dh needs reminding of what to take out for DS and if I don't do it, he'll forget and it will be DS that ends up uncomfortable. I couldn't give a crap if DH forgot his own coat or whatever - its DS I think about and OP is doing the same