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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be very pissed off at DH for, amongst other things, cleaning DS's bum with Milton wipes and therefore making it bleed?

188 replies

ilikeyoursleeves · 20/11/2008 20:24

ARGH!!!!

I have just gone back to work after a year M/L and DH has DS for one day a week. For the year I was off I have done 99% of looking after DS. DH plays with him and loves him to bits but has been frankly crap at the practical side. He barely ever changes nappies, never fed him (DS was breastfed at first but he still wouldn't give him food once he was weaned), I am the one to comfort him, take him out etc.

So when I went back to work I had to tell DH what to do re food etc but he is the type who can't ever be told what to do and just wings it. I said you can't really wing it with a baby and there was loads I do that he has no idea about. Anyway, things seemed to be fine over the past few weeks of me being back at work but DS has had a sore bum, I put it down to teething. Until tonight when I realised DH has been using bloody MILTON wipes on DS's bum!!!!! He thought they were baby wipes!!!! I was so angry cos when I changed DS's nappy tonight he was crying so much and his bum was all red raw and bleeding. I said to DH what they were and how it's unbelievable that despite his son being over a year old, he STILL doesn't know what bloody baby wipes are! (and he has used baby wipes before obviously) So DH then started yelling at me saying that it was MY fault for leaving the Milton wipes out, how was he to know that they aren't baby wipes. OK perhaps fair enough in a way but for someone to have a one year old son and not know this is pretty bad don't you think? He then started yelling at me saying that I treat him like I child when I 'tell' him what to do, but I feel I have to 'tell' him things as he just won't listen and tries to 'wing it' all the time. Like last week when I told him what to take out with him in DS's bag (nappies, wipes, food, water etc)- he said he was listening but all he ended up taking out was food and nothing else. ARGH!

I just feel he doesn't listen but he then makes me feel like I'm the biggest nag on earth when I ask him to do things. He said he doesn't want any more kids if I keep going like this so I yelled I'd just have them with someone else. Not that I would (or could, given DS was IVF) but now I feel shit. I said I obviously didn't mean what I said but he just said he didn't want to know anymore and stormed off to have a bath. Now he is on his way out the door for the night.

Bloody bloody bloody men!!!

Am I being a mad controlling hormonal freak or do you think I'm being reasonable?

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 20/11/2008 21:12

He made a mistake! What a bastard!!! Burn him at the stake. No..I know tell him he isn't good enough to father another child

Flynnie · 20/11/2008 21:12

Marlasinger-I got the wrong end of the stick

Dh is a wonderful father but still does stupid things, I have learnt to let him get on with it as no amount of telling him will help he just has to figure a it out for himself(I then sometimes re-do it when he's not looking)

dittany · 20/11/2008 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrmIrian · 20/11/2008 21:15

Yes dittany I would.

Because people make mistakes. I don't expect any human being to be infallible.

Egg · 20/11/2008 21:15

Childminder has childcare qualifications though.

georgimama · 20/11/2008 21:15

And so the never ending cycle is repeated, he never bothers to learn what is needed because he knows she will do it for him, and she continues to feel he is useless.

This is healthy how?

I just remember the pride in DH's face when he looked after DS solo for 2 whole days when he was only 5 weeks old so I could go to uni. Yes the house was a mess and he had used every clean/dry terry in the place, but DS was happy and with his daddy.

How exactly do men win in this situation if they aren't allowed to learn? Did everyone else get a manual with their baby because I didn't and made some right howlers myself when DS was tiny - fortunately DH was at work so wasn't there to criticise.

georgimama · 20/11/2008 21:16

I wouldn't leave my son with a childminder who had no idea, Dittany. My childminder has an 8 year old and has been minding since he was a baby. She knows far more about kids than I do.

I have the right to demand that because I pay her.

Lizzylou · 20/11/2008 21:17

But is it control freakery to want your DS cared for? Especially if your DH hasn't grasped how to look after your son?

I can see both sides but am unsure why a huge leap has been made by people assuming Op is a control freak and a nagging wife.
I agree, saying that she would go and get someone else to Father her child was an over the top reaction, but I feel for OP tbh. And for her poor DS's bum.

callmeovercautious · 20/11/2008 21:17

So - Milton wipes is a bad move. However I think you need to let him make mistakes.

Yes that was a biggy, however forgetting to take nappies - he will have to deal with it.

My DH and I went through a similar patch. DD was EBF and I was very protective of her, DH was (I think) a bit scared of getting it wrong and me flying off the handle at him so he backed off. Yes he did do nappies and feed DD when asked but he does not volunteer for fear of doing something wrong!

I think it is a common issue with alot of Dads today, they want to help but can't ever quite get it right in the Mums eyes.

Recently I have let DH do his own thing with her. She is going through a phase of not liking Daddy (she is 26m). I think he has realised he needs to spend more time with her. He did that today and they had a whale of a time

Can't say I particualrly approved of his choice of lunch but hey! she had fun and came to no harm. He feels good about himself and she kept kissing him goodnight

Dominion · 20/11/2008 21:17

ermintrude, I did not for one moment think that you can compare a child to a jacket.
Neither that you can compare cleaning a jacket to cleaning a bottom.

Mais, That would be Tres Absurde!

sleepycat · 20/11/2008 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

georgimama · 20/11/2008 21:19

I think (now I know what they are) that the presence of Milton Wipes in the house is Exhibit A in the argument of a tiny trend towards control freakery by the OP....

prettybutterfly · 20/11/2008 21:19

OP can't win in this instance. She isn't particularly or outrageously wrong, but she has fatally surrendered the moral highground.

OP - negotiate a truce, immediately! Explain that you understand darling man's need to feel in control. And quite right too. Explain to darling man that you do trust him, but that you also need to give him a few top tips for enjoying his experience all the better ... because if he's having to reinvent the wheel every time then he's going to be missing out on quality male bonding time. Is there an analogy he'd understand? If you knew a code to unlock part of a game but didn't tell him ... so he could feel all manly working it out for himself, would that not just annoy him? etc etc

Ak him what kind of help he could tolerate. Could he tolerate a few notes? Get him to ask you questions. Do things together. Help him understand that you overreacted because you are a stressy old control freak, and not because you think he is Satan.

You've created this situation between you. You might have to lead the way in de-creating it, but you CAN do that.

Also, put the milton wipes away with all the bleach and that crap. Leave baby wipes with the nappies. That's pretty straitforward anyway.

xx

georgimama · 20/11/2008 21:20

How sleepcat? How should be know how to look after his own child when by her own admission OP has done 99% of tasks during her ML and now he is thrown in at deep end just at point where she has become an expert (and don't mean that scathingly, she is the expert and he is the floundering beginner here)?

Flynnie · 20/11/2008 21:21

At least you know he didn't just leave your dc with a dirty nappy on!

starbear · 20/11/2008 21:22

My DH says I've de-skilled him in the kitchen
He can repair and clean the guttering but puts pink and light blues with dark colours just because they are colours at 60!
I would never,never buy kitchen chemicals unless his Mum used to use them because he doesn't understand or read any labels. She has been dead 14 years. He can re-plaster a wall, unblock a toilet, build a foundation to our large shed, re tile our path in a Victorian fashion. But forgets to take a pack lunch, change of clothes and nappies on a day trip with mates to the middle of no where. (his mates helped him out)
He is a fab bloke but you have to use skilled tactics to train them. I learnt these with the mistakes I made with my brothers and my Mum with my dad.

FairLadyRantALot · 20/11/2008 21:24

hmm...so....he did not much looking after your child for the last year and now he has to and you wonder why you have to explain things to him.....
tbh...I am pretty sure was the situation reversed, than it would be no different and you would not quite know what to do and about the dailly routinely things, neither and he would have to explain to you....
don't forget, you spend the whole year with your child and had time to get used to it all....
maybe you were perfect mum that never got it wrong from dday one....but well....lucky you!

He made an honest, if painful for the Kid, mistake...he didn't purposely got it wrong...and not sure what milton wipes look like and about the packaging...but if similar to Babywipes, well...they should not have been where they can be confused or your dh should have been made awarre f the different wipes!

Writing things down really helps....have just started University after being a Sahm for more or less the past 12 1/2 years and , as it wasn' dh's main job the past years I would NOT expect him to know it all....

FairLadyRantALot · 20/11/2008 21:26

Hm, a childminder would have a careplan agreed with eachother....so, would know a bit more then possibly op's dh and they tend to be rather qualified and know a lot about children....

Flynnie · 20/11/2008 21:26

"Milton is therefore totally safe to use and can be applied directly to the skin ? even swallowed ? without harm."
From milton site. So I don't think you need to worry too much.

FairLadyRantALot · 20/11/2008 21:29

callme....very good points....I remember whe es was rather little that on one hand I was fed up with dh not helping more but on the other hand I did critizise him every step of the eway....in hindsight I am so sorry for behaving like that and have since realising my mistake apologised to him

Original poster
ilikeyoursleeves · 20/11/2008 21:29

I just went away to wash the dishes there and came back to a mountain of messages!

Ok for the record, I have been the one to do 99% of the practical baby care because DH has said 'that's why you are on mat leave and I am working', he avoids changing nappies all the time cos he hates poo so I'd do it to save arguments (yes I have asked him if we could share responsibilities more evenly but he then says he has to work etc and then if I ask again later I am 'a nag'), I have asked him to feed DS more but he'll say again that he is working or that he cooks dinner (forgetting that I do all other housework), I have tried to show him how do do things but he is very stubborn and hates being shown what to do so won't listen at all. So I have to tell him again when he does it wrong. Then arguments start. Yes this may sound like I'm a control freak but for example, I totally cracked up at him when he hadn't worked out how to use the carseat when DS was born. He brought it to the hospital and tried to 'figure it out' in the car park in the dark ie wing it there and then. I do not think it was at all unreasonable for me to be angry at him over this as it was his sons safety!!! Still to this day he is often unsure of how to collapse the pram etc- I have shown him how to do things like this and said to him that I had to learn from the instructions so therefore he has to learn, but he just says 'I'll work it out myself' and refuses to let me show him. I don't know if it's a male pride thing or what but I get so frustrated and he then gets angry at me 'nagging' but when he keeps not learning despite me trying to show him then what can I do?

He will refuse to read instructions for anything really and thinks he can wing it all the time. Sorry to go on but another example was DS's chair thing he had as a baby- DH said he would assemble it but did it without the instructions then insisted there was a bit missing and had to take it back to the shop. I said look at the instructions- he said I don't need them blah blah- lo and behold when I looked at the instructions it was easy to follow and there was no bit missing at all.

He is really frustrating me just now! We will need to discuss it tomorrow (he is in a band so has to rehearse tonight) but I know he will just dig his heels in and tell me I go on at him all the time. I do let him do things, I'm not trying to take 100% control of DS, otherwise I wouldn't feel comfortable with Dh looking after him but I just feel today is yet another example of him being on the defense and not wanting to work as a team which I would ideally love.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OP posts:
Flynnie · 20/11/2008 21:35

I do understand your frustration but a lot of the things you have mentioned seem like the sort of things that some men so. Dh still can't open or close the pram without help and thats after three years!

TheSeriousOne · 20/11/2008 21:36

He sounds just lie my husband. Who, for the record, is currently out on the lash with an unknown return time.
I also get 'I work' all the time (one reason I am going back to work now, even though I couldn't expect the husband to do even a bean of childcare.

I know how you feel.

BrokenliSpears · 20/11/2008 21:39

Okay now you're sounding more reasonable and he's sounding more unreasonable.

If he says you're nagging or controlling, you can say "I feel X, Y, Z" about the situation, and ask him what he thinks might be a solution.

starbear · 20/11/2008 21:41

Oh! I get it we call it 'Bob it' in our family. We have a family friend who will never listen to instructions even from mates (my DH)or read them wobbly table dogy door fixed on the wardrobe. His wife goes crazy. Man proof the routine with DH. Make it very simple and forget your in the 21st century. Soap and water, only blue clothes Nivea cream etc..