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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be very pissed off at DH for, amongst other things, cleaning DS's bum with Milton wipes and therefore making it bleed?

188 replies

ilikeyoursleeves · 20/11/2008 20:24

ARGH!!!!

I have just gone back to work after a year M/L and DH has DS for one day a week. For the year I was off I have done 99% of looking after DS. DH plays with him and loves him to bits but has been frankly crap at the practical side. He barely ever changes nappies, never fed him (DS was breastfed at first but he still wouldn't give him food once he was weaned), I am the one to comfort him, take him out etc.

So when I went back to work I had to tell DH what to do re food etc but he is the type who can't ever be told what to do and just wings it. I said you can't really wing it with a baby and there was loads I do that he has no idea about. Anyway, things seemed to be fine over the past few weeks of me being back at work but DS has had a sore bum, I put it down to teething. Until tonight when I realised DH has been using bloody MILTON wipes on DS's bum!!!!! He thought they were baby wipes!!!! I was so angry cos when I changed DS's nappy tonight he was crying so much and his bum was all red raw and bleeding. I said to DH what they were and how it's unbelievable that despite his son being over a year old, he STILL doesn't know what bloody baby wipes are! (and he has used baby wipes before obviously) So DH then started yelling at me saying that it was MY fault for leaving the Milton wipes out, how was he to know that they aren't baby wipes. OK perhaps fair enough in a way but for someone to have a one year old son and not know this is pretty bad don't you think? He then started yelling at me saying that I treat him like I child when I 'tell' him what to do, but I feel I have to 'tell' him things as he just won't listen and tries to 'wing it' all the time. Like last week when I told him what to take out with him in DS's bag (nappies, wipes, food, water etc)- he said he was listening but all he ended up taking out was food and nothing else. ARGH!

I just feel he doesn't listen but he then makes me feel like I'm the biggest nag on earth when I ask him to do things. He said he doesn't want any more kids if I keep going like this so I yelled I'd just have them with someone else. Not that I would (or could, given DS was IVF) but now I feel shit. I said I obviously didn't mean what I said but he just said he didn't want to know anymore and stormed off to have a bath. Now he is on his way out the door for the night.

Bloody bloody bloody men!!!

Am I being a mad controlling hormonal freak or do you think I'm being reasonable?

OP posts:
Zazette · 20/11/2008 22:23

So working means he doesn't have to care for his son, but doesn't stop him being in a band? you've got two little boys to look after, methinks.

But the idea that 'men can't tell the difference between Milton wipes and baby wipes' is such utter crap. They might choose not to, but it doesn't mean they are incapable. I am endlessly amazed by the number of women who not only tolerate but facilitate the elective incompetence of certain men. (and then the rest of us have to put up with them thinking they can pull the same stunt at work too...)

morningpaper · 20/11/2008 22:24

Milton Wipes !

I'd never heard of them either

I would probably have whipped off my glasses and used them to remove mascara

thankfully I live in a sty

dittany · 20/11/2008 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pannacotta · 20/11/2008 22:32

Not great I agree (in fact pretty poor), but we all make mistakes and he does need to learn how to do things properly, he will get there after a few misses am sure.
Personally I would bin the Milton wipes and stick to baby wipes, anything with bleach on it sounds pretty obnoxious and will be dodgy once your DS is curious and into everything.

FairLadyRantALot · 20/11/2008 22:32

surely if you do something day in and day out you are tuned into doing it but if you don't do it daily you are not?

However, the genetic gender argument could possibly be have some sort of truth, lol...afterall you need different senses for hunting and gathering then you do for mothering...my "maternal" point was more, that wome have a chance to get used to |Baby by it's mere present within their body for those xyandz month and therfore maybe women tend to prepare more thoroughly (rightly or wrongly, so)....

corriefan · 20/11/2008 22:35

Attack is the best form of defence. He obviously feels stupid and is attacking you for it. Why they just can't say "oh my god I'm so stupid" I don't know. Plus they way they don't listen to your parenting adivce even though that is you area of expertise after doing it full time for a year. Bloody ego.

FairLadyRantALot · 20/11/2008 22:36

JUst looked at MIlton Wipes...and tbh, packaging does not look different to Babywipes....I mena, it's a plastic wrap packaing with wipes in it....
obviously if he knew he was using the wrong wipes and he still used them dispite knowing....that would be wrong and actually, I suppose, abuse....

LittleBella · 20/11/2008 22:36

If I fuck up putting the baby's nappy on properly, is no-one allowed to tell me I've got it wrong in case my ego is damaged?

Jesus Fucking Christ.

FairLadyRantALot · 20/11/2008 22:40

Of course , in those cases, ie. the wipes it needs to be said...but...op is obviously hopping mad with her dh, and if the posts are anything to go by (in her current state) she probably wasn't nice about it (understandably)...however...indeed attack is the best defence! OP is using the very same techinique though, as anyone would....I mean, who likes to be told they are wrong, lol

starbear · 20/11/2008 22:42

I've got to say at times I've shouted MAN... and he does it.

dittany · 20/11/2008 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

starbear · 20/11/2008 22:49

Dittany, your right she not wrong. Hope it can get sorted out

PeachyAndTheSucklingBas · 20/11/2008 23:08

i'm with edam ey al

the issues snt the wipess, if he did it again he'd need a bollocking but you habe to let that go.

however I work, i won't have more kids with you, etc etc- all nasty controlling behaviour I think. storming off, youre a nag....

he's controlling you op, he doesnt give a flying damn about anything except you bein there to pick up after his stuppid foul ups.

If he's not amture enough to take the blame sometimes or acknowledge that sometimes he has to learn like evryone else then he isnt mature enough to care for the baby tbh, and if he cant cre for his own baby then you deserve more.

BrokenliSpears · 21/11/2008 07:27

"Gatekeep the baby care" - mp that is a brilliant way of putting it, and I bet more couples than not have this issue to some extent.

When I start feeling grumpy because I feel that we're slipping in to these roles I just refuse to answer any of dp's questions. I do it nicely, but I leave things up to him.

  • Shall I give him something to eat?
  • I'm not sure, what do you think?
  • Shall we change him before we go out?
  • You decide.
Lizzzombie · 21/11/2008 08:00

One mate of mine gave me this tip, which worked well for me.
When I went back to work, I wrote out a routine/timetable/schedule thingy and stuck it to the fridge. Before DP had a chance to say I was undermining him, I countered it with, "just in case anything awful happens and neither of us are around, at least people can see what is supposed to be happening and when"

Hope your LO's bum is better soon. x

misshardbroom · 21/11/2008 08:06

Can he bloody read?

No excuse for the Milton wipes. The other stuff is mightily annoying but he'll only start to get it by doing it. If he doesn't take a nappy out and gets caught short, he will learn quickly why it's important.

Shannaratiger · 21/11/2008 08:08

DP has only changed about 10 nappies in his whole life. DD is 5 and DS is 2! He's never done bathtimes either. I know alot of it is my fault for letting him get away with it, but he's convinced he's going to 'do it wrong'. If I did actualy leave him with the dc's thouhgh he would be able to do it properly, especially as dd is very bossy and would tell him exactly how to do it properly!

cory · 21/11/2008 08:14

Partly it sounds like he is being an unreasonable jerk, refusing to get involved in his own son's care because "he works". My grandfather had more up-to-date ideas than this and he was born in the 1880's! And "he doesn't like poo"- well, for goodness sake, who does? If you didn't like poo either, would that mean that your ds just had to live permanently in his first pooey nappy?

Partly, it does sound a bit as if you have been conniving in a world view where certain jobs such as fixing a car seat or assembling a chair are man's work and other things such as knowing about babycare is woman's work. The truth is that we are all incompetent at first, we all have to learn, but women just tend to get on with it. As do thousands of (working) men these days.

If I were you, I would try to have a little chat about this some time when you are both feeling calm. Explaining in a non-confrontational manner that you would like him to get more involved.

The fact that he is happy to cook dinner but not to look after his son does suggest that it's a lack of confidence rather than laziness per se. Of course it is a pity with hindsight that he did not start getting hands-on when your ds was a few hours old, but that doesn't mean it's too late forever. You just have to accept that he is now where you were when they first put that soggy little bundle into your arms and you (no doubt) felt terrified at the thought of all that responsibility.

Offer to do more evening chores so he can do things with his son's care. Be prepared to lay things to hand for him at first, but tactfully. You need to get him on track- what if you have a serious illness?

claw3 · 21/11/2008 08:34

If you treat him like a child, he will act like one!

Telling him to do things makes you sound like his parent. Asking, on the other hand, recognises that you are two equal adults.

CrushWithEyeliner · 21/11/2008 08:41

"Would milton wipes cause nappy rash? You wipe them over high chair and they don't cause a reaction"

because the high chair is plastic and a babys' bottom is skin.

Your poor DS - men can be utter fules. And why is everyone so up in arms about milton wipes? They are fab...

Libra1975 · 21/11/2008 08:53

arggghh someone used the words "maternal instinct". I came home from the hospital without a clue with what to do with a baby but never used milton wipes on him, this is because I can READ. Also having milton wipes is not a sign of control freakery, it's a sign of laziness (well it is in my household).

Some of the same people who say that the OP should just let her DH get on with it and it's her own fault for letting him get away with not helping are the same people who are saying she shouldn't have left the milton wipes out. Either her DH is a responisble human being or not.

I put my LOs first nappy on backwards as well.

llareggub · 21/11/2008 09:04

Well, the main message I have got from this is that as a mother, I have a real duty to ensure that my son does not grow up to be the sort of man that leaves childcare to the women.

Hopefully my future DIL will thank me for this.

georgimama · 21/11/2008 09:11

See, I knew which way round the nappy went because I looked at the baby on the packet. First nappy I had ever changed was DS's in the maternity ward.

Deductive logic, that's what I learnt at uni.

Libra1975 · 21/11/2008 09:15

Ah you see I didn't have a packet on the maternity ward they just put a couple of nappies by the cot thingy he slept in.

feelingfestive · 21/11/2008 09:42

I likeyoursleeves - i sympathise, I have a dh a bit like this. Actually he has been very involved in dd's care but hates been told/shown how to do things. DD has severe allergies and we have epipens. We have been shown how to use them - ages ago and when very distracted in hospital - but he refuses to update his knowledge, read instructions, practise on an orange etc. Says he will "work out what to do if he needs to use it" . So rather than planning ahead, he will wait until dd is sick, distressed, even blue - this is preferable to being controlled by me and maybe just doing what makes me feel safer.

Amateur psychology alert! Does he have a very controlling mother btw? I think dh is so reluctant to be 'bossed around' as he puts it, because his parents were controlling. Makes life very difficult!