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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be very pissed off at DH for, amongst other things, cleaning DS's bum with Milton wipes and therefore making it bleed?

188 replies

ilikeyoursleeves · 20/11/2008 20:24

ARGH!!!!

I have just gone back to work after a year M/L and DH has DS for one day a week. For the year I was off I have done 99% of looking after DS. DH plays with him and loves him to bits but has been frankly crap at the practical side. He barely ever changes nappies, never fed him (DS was breastfed at first but he still wouldn't give him food once he was weaned), I am the one to comfort him, take him out etc.

So when I went back to work I had to tell DH what to do re food etc but he is the type who can't ever be told what to do and just wings it. I said you can't really wing it with a baby and there was loads I do that he has no idea about. Anyway, things seemed to be fine over the past few weeks of me being back at work but DS has had a sore bum, I put it down to teething. Until tonight when I realised DH has been using bloody MILTON wipes on DS's bum!!!!! He thought they were baby wipes!!!! I was so angry cos when I changed DS's nappy tonight he was crying so much and his bum was all red raw and bleeding. I said to DH what they were and how it's unbelievable that despite his son being over a year old, he STILL doesn't know what bloody baby wipes are! (and he has used baby wipes before obviously) So DH then started yelling at me saying that it was MY fault for leaving the Milton wipes out, how was he to know that they aren't baby wipes. OK perhaps fair enough in a way but for someone to have a one year old son and not know this is pretty bad don't you think? He then started yelling at me saying that I treat him like I child when I 'tell' him what to do, but I feel I have to 'tell' him things as he just won't listen and tries to 'wing it' all the time. Like last week when I told him what to take out with him in DS's bag (nappies, wipes, food, water etc)- he said he was listening but all he ended up taking out was food and nothing else. ARGH!

I just feel he doesn't listen but he then makes me feel like I'm the biggest nag on earth when I ask him to do things. He said he doesn't want any more kids if I keep going like this so I yelled I'd just have them with someone else. Not that I would (or could, given DS was IVF) but now I feel shit. I said I obviously didn't mean what I said but he just said he didn't want to know anymore and stormed off to have a bath. Now he is on his way out the door for the night.

Bloody bloody bloody men!!!

Am I being a mad controlling hormonal freak or do you think I'm being reasonable?

OP posts:
BrokenliSpears · 20/11/2008 21:41

And, as an aside, ARRRGGGHHH at the number of people rolling their eyes because "that's what men are like". Men are precicely as capable or incapable as women.

BrokenliSpears · 20/11/2008 21:41

*precisely

Original poster
ilikeyoursleeves · 20/11/2008 21:43

Oh and BTW I work too! Just gone back part time but it's still work! And for those who think it was OTT to say I'd have a kid with someone else, that was a heat of the moment comment in response to DH saying he didn't want any more kids with me. He knows how much kids mean to me and we TTC for 5 years and had IVF to have DS so I gave him that response cause I felt I'd been slapped on the face. Obviously I am not about to go and shag someone else but that comment was a reflection of how angry I was at what he said to me.

OP posts:
ilovemydog · 20/11/2008 21:43

This sounds oh, so familiar.

If you criticise, he will say, 'you're having a 'go' at me again...' but not listening to what you are saying, not realizing that what you are concerned with is what is best for your DS, and not your DH's ego.

mumeeee · 20/11/2008 21:44

Milton wipe packets look very like baby wipe packets, It is an easy mistake to make.He will knoe now not to use them again.
You sound like you won't let him do stuff. your son is his as well, so I would stop telling him what to do and let him do things his way.

chequersandchess · 20/11/2008 21:44

Is it the OP's fault yet?

dittany · 20/11/2008 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairLadyRantALot · 20/11/2008 21:47

I do think there are other issues and possibly this was just the last straw...

but honest....it may or may not be a gender thing...I suppose as women we are likely to have maternal instincts....which blokes won't have....and that may make women more natural in childcare...
but...now that I am a bit out of the loop with childcare and dh. because of his schedule, does the main part of childcare...I realise just how much I am not quite in touch with the daily things...iykwim...

StealthPolarBear · 20/11/2008 21:48

chequers it was the OP's fault aaaaages ago...keep up!

edam · 20/11/2008 21:49

ouch! Poor ds. Bad enough to confuse the two wipes once but to do it again and again is just wilfully stupid. Is he trying to pull the old 'I'm a bloke, I can't cope with domesticity' act?

Original poster
ilikeyoursleeves · 20/11/2008 21:50

yes it's all my fault.

I will text DH and grovel for forgiveness for shouting at him.

OP posts:
FairLadyRantALot · 20/11/2008 21:50

oh...are miltonwipes like disinfectant wipes, basically for toilets and stuff....well shoot me down in flames...I, once, used those on ms bottom when wiping it.....I was mortified when I realised kinda erm, straightaway....as ds cried out: "ouch it stings"....it was an honest mistake...I thought I had still a packet of babywipes laying on top of the disinfectant wipes and they had been moved...

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 20/11/2008 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

edam · 20/11/2008 21:52

Did he not feel at all guilty or have any empathy with ds? Or was he too busy trying to blame it all on you? Sounds like a real tosser.

chequersandchess · 20/11/2008 21:53

Chin up OP, I can understand your POV.

Loving the purchasing of milton wipes/baby wipes as the crime of the century here - nice work girls.

noonki · 20/11/2008 21:53

What an idiot - mind I put my nephews nappy on back to front first time on my own. But surely he has seen the wetwipes around,

but I would never have let it get to that point, why had he not be left looking after his child on his own in a whole year?

It's not the OPs fault it's both of their faults and imo something wrong with their relationship.

Original poster
ilikeyoursleeves · 20/11/2008 21:57

Pregnanthedgewitch, Dh didn't join in on any of the baby preps like buying nursery stuff etc even though I asked him. So I said 'can you work out the car seat then?', thinking that he might like to do that as it was a 'man thing' to do with cars and it might help him feel ready for DS coming. I didn't think for a second that he would be incapable of working it out, I fully trusted him. He said he would, but didn't do it.

So Catch 22- if I had tried to do it with him he would have said 'back off I can do it myself, don't tell me what to do or how it works', so I didn't do it with him and he was responsible for this ONE thing. And yet he didn't do it.

What can I do???!

OP posts:
cwtchy · 20/11/2008 22:00

Can I just add that Milton wipes have a big red circle on the front of the packet, and inside said circle is a picture of a baby with a red line through it.

Now you don't need to be Columbo to work out that maybe that suggests not to use them on a baby?

dittany · 20/11/2008 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ilikeyoursleeves · 20/11/2008 22:02

DH has looked after DS before, he has obviously used normal wipes before too and been perfectly capable. Noonki, If you had read the thread you would have seen that I have tried to get Dh more involved but usually get the 'I'm working' line and 'it's your job cos you are on maternity leave'. We have argued over this many times. I try to talk to him about this but he just won't listen so I feel like I can't win.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 20/11/2008 22:05

every couple buggers up the car seat thing

it's amazing anyone is allowed to drive a newborn away from a hospital TBH

starbear · 20/11/2008 22:05

You've stumped me! When tempers have calmed down ask him what he wants for his son in the future? Then answer 'Well to get him (son) to grow up fit and health he needs to be looked after. How do you plan we do that? See if he talks. Only an idea

morningpaper · 20/11/2008 22:09

ilikeyoursleeves if you are saying that your DH has REFUSED to care for your baby for the first year (even at weekends?) then that is a completely different issue

but it IS easy for women to 'gatekeep' baby care and if you don't learn to just LEAVE IT and BITE YOUR LIP even when your partner buggers up, then your partner will never become the babycare-pro that you are

You need to decide either to let him do it wrong, even if baby goes out without a nappy, and just smile and nod when he makes mistakes. Otherwise you are going to shaft his confidence completely.

Babycare proficiency has nothing to do with your genitals.

morningpaper · 20/11/2008 22:10

(And I agree with the poster who suggested some sort of couple's counselling, which is v. helpful for communication issues, especially when it comes to matters of low self-esteem etc)

FairLadyRantALot · 20/11/2008 22:10

hmmm...op you are frustrated, and honest I can understand you...but you kinda have an answer for everything....so...is that how you are with dh, when you are frustrated, too...are you as bad as eachother, in a way....honest....I realise it must be difficult and all that....and him not listening (well my dh never, sigh) and neither looking at any written instructions (now that is not ideal)...it is a problem...

someone ask already, but was your dh at least sorry for using the wrong wipes, forinstance?