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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is abuse and to put my foot down?

141 replies

hungryhorse · 20/11/2008 10:04

I just want some honest opinions because I honestly dont think I am being unreasonable- and I ddont think close friends are telling me how they really feel... just agreeing with me so as not to upset me.
Ok...
my dd (4) told me that her uncle (10) was in bed with her, got out his "willy" and flicked it at her and then put it on her back.
I think that this is totally and completely wrong and that at the age of 10 this boy new wht he was doing was wrong. He is not an innocent 10 year old and in fact his mum thinks that is funny that he met a 14yr old girlfriend on holiday.
My dd told me this in one continuous sentence, there was no prompting from me such as "and did he do anything else" or "did he touch you with it" So I know she wasn't just saying it because she thought it was what I wanted to hear.

Anyway I told my dd's grandmother ( my dd's uncle's mother) that she wouldn't be allowed to stay over because of what happened. She has never apologised or tried to explain the situation but just insists that her ds didnt do anything wrong as in he was just playing.

I did allow my dd to be near him (always supervised) after because I didnt want to cause arguments and it was really upsetting for my dp... however I was treated badly by the rest of the family as if I was completely out of order for worrying that this incident occured.

Since this, because I do not feel that the family take this seriously and do not trust them to stop this behaviour in the future (as apparently it is not wrong), I have now said I dont want the uncle near my daughter. I havent stopped my dd's grandmother or other dcs from seeing my dd, just this boy.

I dont think I am being unreasonable... in fact I think I could have taken this a lot lot further .

What are your thouhts on my situation?

OP posts:

smeeinit · 20/11/2008 10:07

YANBU. i cant even say anything apart from

MamaG · 20/11/2008 10:08

YANBU I'd feel the same as you

twoluvlykids · 20/11/2008 10:09

YANBU.

Your dd, your choice, your duty to protect her.

Is the uncle your dp's brother?

What's your dp's take on it.

justunaccomplishedmummy · 20/11/2008 10:09

YANBU I think you're doing the right thing and I would have done the same.

ByTheSea · 20/11/2008 10:09

YANBU. When my mother was five, she was sexually abused by her 14-year-old uncle, so she was always very careful about us. You are right to be careful with your DD.

southeastastra · 20/11/2008 10:10

10 year old boys can be daft though i don't think i'd be too concerned at this point

nellynaemates · 20/11/2008 10:11

I think you've done the right thing.

However, I don't think it would have been right to take it a lot further.

It sounds to me like this boy's mother needs to speak to him about appropriate and inappropriate behaviour. Or, if he knows fine well that that was inappropriate, they need to get to the bottom of the reason he behaved like that.

I'm so so glad your daughter told you though because it could so easily have been something she didn't mention only to have flashbacks years later and wonder if something else had happened (personal experience here...)

I imagine his mother probably is more upset about than she's showing and is making light of it because of her embarrassment.

Well done for dealing with it sensibly. Stick to your guns.

purpleduck · 20/11/2008 10:12

I think it was inappropriate of the boy

BUT

He is only 10 - he is still a child, and if he doesn't have any positive role models, then how is he to know any better?

I would not let them stay in the same bed, but by banning him from seeing your dd, you are making it much much worse than it needs to be, and possibly branding that 10 year old, and shaming him for something that maybe he honestly didn't realise was bad.

Don't be so quick to assume he is evil.

Did you TALK to him about this?

pingping · 20/11/2008 10:18

YANBU

I am shocked at you MIL!

What does your DP say about all of this?

NuttyTaff · 20/11/2008 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

zazen · 20/11/2008 10:22

Hungryhorse, you did exactly the right thing.

Supervised visits sound perfect.

I understand why the family might stick together - they are probably as shocked as you to hear about their boy.

Your responsibility is with your daughter and I think it's perfect that you acknowledged her story and now are supervising visits if you can't avoid him altogether.

Well done, you show real mother bear instincts. You won't regret your protective and supportive action. You're also teaching a lot to your DD about trust and betrayal. She trusts you and you didn't betray that trust.

Well done and stick to your guns as nelly says!

chloesmumtoo · 20/11/2008 10:26

Speaking from experience of a ds, they can be so so imature at this stage and so silly no matter what you say to them! Ten seems old when you have little ones but they are still so young and like someone else said still a child really. I think, what he done is silly and wrong but like innocent and a shame to have caused such a problem. But I also know your concerns and understand fully your worries having a dd myself. My ds is 11 and horrendously silly at the min. No matter how I keep moaning and correcting him. Difficult situation really.

Original poster

hungryhorse · 20/11/2008 10:26

Yes the uncle is my dps brother. I agree that if he is not being taught about appropriate behaviour that it is not necessarily his thought... he has done many inappropriate things before and when my dp has told his mum that she needs to teach him she just laughs and says oh leave him. (Things like walking around naked or opening up his towel and flashing, or coming in our bedroom in the morning when we have stayed over and watching me).
Of course I wouldn't take it further because I think its my mil's and her partners fault - I just meant that there are many parents who would have done a lot more.
My dp is really upset and wants me to let it go because he doesn't want to fall out with his family over this- but Ive told him again and again that I am only doing what any normal mother would do.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 20/11/2008 10:29

his behavior was inappropriate.

But

He is also a child. A 10 year old boy. And 10 year old boys can be very silly. And the fact he put his willy on her back rather than did anything else doesn't sound to me as if his actions had sexual connotations - more that he was being stupid and yes, inappropriate, but not sexual.

He needs to be spoken to and made aware that his actions are highly inappropriate, and that he should not do it again.

But I think that branding a 10 year old child is also wrong. He is not an adult who is fully aware of his actions. He is a child who can learn from his mistakes.

chloesmumtoo · 20/11/2008 10:29

Poor you. So difficult.

Upwind · 20/11/2008 10:31

I don't think it was abuse but silly and inappropriate behaviour from a child.

That is, assuming it is true. My friend's 4yo DD recently gave me a detailed account of how another friend's cat had bitten her. At no time was she alone with the cat!

I would just let it go and allow the boy to be near your DD - but supervised.

purpleduck · 20/11/2008 10:34

Exactly WannaBe

I know that 10 seems so mature when you have 4 year old, but they are children too.
I think that HungryHorse can make a very big difference in that boys life depending on how she deals with this.

By all means supervise your dd, but don't vilify the boy.

mysterymoniker · 20/11/2008 10:35

is a 10yr old willy big enough to go on someone's back, without its owner actually lying on the recipient's back too?

OrmIrian · 20/11/2008 10:35

He's a child. Whilst I agree it's upsetting for you, I think it is a bit of an overreaction. If his parents won't talk to him, perhaps you could explain that what he did upset your DD. If he's never been told it's inappropriate how will he know? I think it's a bit harsh not to allow him to see your DD, even unsupervised.

Original poster

hungryhorse · 20/11/2008 10:36

He can learn from his mistakes if he is aware that they are making mistakes.
My issue is that because my mil thinks its nothing to worry about and that this is normal and that her ds was not doing anything wrong- that I don't trust them in the future. My mil's partner has taken this all out on me and my dp ( my dp's stepfaher) and treated us as if we are evil and mad and making this whole thing up.
Because they are so fiercely adamant that what their ds did was ok, I don't feel like they understand themselves what is inappropriate.
I just think that a normal person would be shocked, upset, obviously not believe their dd was behaving in a sexual way ... but at the same time would apologise and talk to the ds and explain to me what steps she has taken to ensure nothing like this can ever happen ( or be accused of happening) again.
Instead, when I told her that my dd would not be staying over on a particular night, she just shouted "oh leave it out" and then blanked me.
Because she did not want to acknowledge the situation and deal with it, I have since put my foot down.

OP posts:

mysterymoniker · 20/11/2008 10:38

maybe it wasn't 'sexual' though, the children won't see and think about their body parts through our shadowy adult lenses will they?

southeastastra · 20/11/2008 10:39

i imagine your mil feels defensive towards her son, so is behaving like that.

i think i'd be pretty annoyed myself

wannaBe · 20/11/2008 10:41

also, 10 year olds are reaching an age where they are becoming more and more aware of parts of their bodies, but without the maturity to be appropriate about it. Willies and bottoms and all that sort of stuff are still all highly amusing, and yet they're only a couple of years off an age where it is all very adult and real.

I can remember at that age having quite graphic conversations with my male classmates about parts of our bodies, and the responses from the boys were especially immature. But although I joked and made light of all this stuff as a child I'm now quite a prude as an adult .

Also why is your dp not calling his brother on this behavior? It sounds to me as if he's passing the buck a bit here - if he sees his brother walking around naked or whatever then he should be saying "oy there are people in the house, and that's not appropriate" rather than waiting for his mother to address it at a later stage.

wannaBe · 20/11/2008 10:44

and I can see why your mil is upset tbh. You have accused her son of being a child abuser. He is 10 years old. How would you feel if someone accused your child of that? honestly?

Original poster

hungryhorse · 20/11/2008 10:45

If somebody accused my child of this I would be angry and defensive too!!!!
But I would sit down with my child, explain what has been said, ask if he did it, and tell him about why he shouldnt do that. Then I would tell the other parent that I do not think this occured, I have explained to my son that its wrong, I am so sorry your dd is troubled by this.. and I will ensure that when your dd is here nothing like that will be able to happen.

But they have just said "leave it out" and then ignored the whole situation. I don't think they have taken it seriously that's all.

OP posts:

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