Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To think this is abuse and to put my foot down?

141 replies

hungryhorse · 20/11/2008 10:04

I just want some honest opinions because I honestly dont think I am being unreasonable- and I ddont think close friends are telling me how they really feel... just agreeing with me so as not to upset me.
Ok...
my dd (4) told me that her uncle (10) was in bed with her, got out his "willy" and flicked it at her and then put it on her back.
I think that this is totally and completely wrong and that at the age of 10 this boy new wht he was doing was wrong. He is not an innocent 10 year old and in fact his mum thinks that is funny that he met a 14yr old girlfriend on holiday.
My dd told me this in one continuous sentence, there was no prompting from me such as "and did he do anything else" or "did he touch you with it" So I know she wasn't just saying it because she thought it was what I wanted to hear.

Anyway I told my dd's grandmother ( my dd's uncle's mother) that she wouldn't be allowed to stay over because of what happened. She has never apologised or tried to explain the situation but just insists that her ds didnt do anything wrong as in he was just playing.

I did allow my dd to be near him (always supervised) after because I didnt want to cause arguments and it was really upsetting for my dp... however I was treated badly by the rest of the family as if I was completely out of order for worrying that this incident occured.

Since this, because I do not feel that the family take this seriously and do not trust them to stop this behaviour in the future (as apparently it is not wrong), I have now said I dont want the uncle near my daughter. I havent stopped my dd's grandmother or other dcs from seeing my dd, just this boy.

I dont think I am being unreasonable... in fact I think I could have taken this a lot lot further .

What are your thouhts on my situation?

OP posts:

frogwatcher · 20/11/2008 10:45

He could just be immature. My 11 year old nephew still flashes and runs around naked (or was this summer). He thinks its funny. I think he would have no idea of what is sexual or what isnt (but thats not to say your dds uncle is that naive). Personally I think nakedness and innocence is nice in children until they feel it inappropriate - certainly I expect mine to walk around naked for a long time yet. It would be easy to brand him when it is all just innocent and silly. I personally would just keep an eye on him when he was with my dd and check them regularly if alone.

Upwind · 20/11/2008 10:48

Your "putting your foot down" may blacken your BIL's name for the rest of his life. Your hysterical reaction might persuade this 10yo child that he is deviant and do him enormous harm. Not allowing your DD to be in the same room as her 10yo uncle will sour all future family celebrations.

If I was the boy's mother I would think you were out of order.

Original poster

hungryhorse · 20/11/2008 10:48

My dp does call his brother up on his behaviour and his mil has a go at my dp and says to leave him alone.

OP posts:

Original poster

hungryhorse · 20/11/2008 10:50

If I just allow this to be swept under the carpet and then in the future my dd tells me other worse things and I say "Oh yes this happened when you were 4 but I didnt want to upset your uncle so I let it continue" then I think that I would be a worse mother than stopping it now.

OP posts:

Romy7 · 20/11/2008 10:50

i don't imagine it was sexual - more than likely him willy waving to make her go 'eeeerrrr!' and squeal like girls do when they get flashed a willy. (i have two dds and one ds btw - not suggesting that a flashing willy is appropriate for the park, but we've had a few towel bearing moments to be cheeky).
i don't understand why your dp hasn't spoken to his brother about inappropriate behaviour? surely if their parents aren't going to bother, as a grown man your dp should be taking on the fatherly role?
that is all that is needed imho - play is fine, but a 10yo is maybe a bit old to be sharing a bed with a pre-schooler in any case. hadn't really thought about it before though.

Upwind · 20/11/2008 10:50

Jerry Springer style confrontations are not always the answer - the child will learn about appropriate behaviour as he becomes sexually aware. Making a drama out of every situation is the rule on chat shows and soap operas, in real life it is often wise to just let things go.

morningpaper · 20/11/2008 10:52

I think you are over-sexualising this 10 year old child.

"Things like walking around naked or opening up his towel and flashing, or coming in our bedroom in the morning when we have stayed over and watching me"

These are not sexually inappropriate, they are just what children DO.

I wouldn't want them playing in bed naked together obviously but as long as they are properly supervised, I don't think there is a problem here.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 20/11/2008 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Romy7 · 20/11/2008 10:52

sorry x posts - 'call him up on his behaviour' is not the same thing as sitting down quietly and explaining what is appropriate and what is not - no blame, no hysterical accusatons, just pointing out that certain behaviour is not acceptable once you get past a certain age - you have to start behaving like a grown up, particularly in front of little ones.

morningpaper · 20/11/2008 10:53

It sounds like a good time to talk to your DD about boundaries and things that are private

and supervise them more closely

but I wouldn't do much more than that personally

Original poster

hungryhorse · 20/11/2008 10:54

They can let it go and not confront it, thats fine if thats how they want to deal wth it. But i dont think its unreasonable to not want him doing that to my daughter in the future.

OP posts:

Romy7 · 20/11/2008 10:56

'confront' - noooo, just sit him down and have a quiet chat - nothing confrontational about it!

morningpaper · 20/11/2008 10:57

But i dont think its unreasonable to not want him doing that to my daughter in the future.

no one is suggesting that though, are they?

it is not one extreme or another

Upwind · 20/11/2008 10:58

Don't put them in bed together if you don't want it happening again!

But calling it "abuse", "putting your foot down" and banning the child from seeing your DD is unreasonable.

Romy7 · 20/11/2008 10:58

'doing that' - please don't have any boys - they wave their willies around for at least the first 6 years, and usually longer. they just need to be guided that after a point it is not really socially acceptable, that's all - not that they are paedophiles if no-one has warned them that willys are evil dangerous and digusting and should never be allowed out of their trousers lol.

Tortington · 20/11/2008 11:02

i think you are confising a couple of things.

ou are obviously shocked at the behaviour of the 10 year old

but then you are also shocked at the paretns lack of response. and i think you are taking the latter out on the boy.

something similar happened to my twins, they were a little older maybe 5, and my son who was 8 and a girl he was playing with aged 10 were all in the shed in my back garden.

my daughter told me that x was telling her twin brother to put his willy here and there - and i was mortified.

beyond mortified.

and i called the police. no action was taken - the culpable at age 10 thing wasn't in at the time, the police weren't much interested. but i told them that i wanted it noting in ase it happened to someone else.

if nothing else i thought it mghtbe indicative of something going on at the girls house?

the girls dad came to see us - he was an aquaintance of my dh, he was v. defensive.

lulabellarama · 20/11/2008 11:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Tiggiwinkle · 20/11/2008 11:04

I agree with wannabe and morningpaper. Ten year olds see nothing wrong in going around naked (and I have five sons). Don't make a big issue out of this and don't make it into something it almost certainly wasn't.

Blu · 20/11/2008 11:07

I agree with the 'inappropriate but not abuse' line of posting, and WOULD want to know that the biys parents were talimg to him about appropriate behaviour as he grows up, and managing his emergent sexuality and relationship with his willy.

But that kind of communication with the rest of the family is generally best done through talking and chats, not the afronted stance you have taken.

pingping · 20/11/2008 11:08

Custardo That happened with my friends Little boy

two 5 years olds the one was giving the other a BJ and Me and my friend walked in very shocked it turned out the one giving the blowjob was being abused by his father and thought it was normal, It was very hard to deal with at the time I had to take my friends little boy and explain to him how wrong it was for anyone to touch him there etc.

pingping · 20/11/2008 11:08

Custardo That happened with my friends Little boy

lulabellarama · 20/11/2008 11:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

TheCrackFox · 20/11/2008 11:10

He is only 10 years old and I don't think he could have a proper understanding of the implications of his actions.

I would supervise them in future, but, TBH I don't blame your MIL for being defensive.

OrmIrian · 20/11/2008 11:12

"but then you are also shocked at the paretns lack of response. and i think you are taking the latter out on the boy"

Yes! That's what is upsetting me about this. I think that you are punishing the boy when he doesn't need punishment, just guidance.

Jux · 20/11/2008 11:15

Well I'm with you hungryhorse. It may just be silly kiddy games but he still needs to be told it's inappropriate/wrong. Yeah, as kids we all did stuff but we made damn sure we weren't caught by adults because we knew they'd be horrified and we'd be in trouble.

How's he going to know if no one takes it even slightly seriously? He should be given a bit of a talk at least. I would say to the ILs, if you're not going to deal with it, I will. Then I'd put the fear of god into him and make damn sure he never did anything like that again!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread