To think this is abuse and to put my foot down?

[hungryhorse]

I just want some honest opinions because I honestly dont think I am being unreasonable- and I ddont think close friends are telling me how they really feel... just agreeing with me so as not to upset me.
Ok...
my dd (4) told me that her uncle (10) was in bed with her, got out his "willy" and flicked it at her and then put it on her back.
I think that this is totally and completely wrong and that at the age of 10 this boy new wht he was doing was wrong. He is not an innocent 10 year old and in fact his mum thinks that is funny that he met a 14yr old girlfriend on holiday.
My dd told me this in one continuous sentence, there was no prompting from me such as "and did he do anything else" or "did he touch you with it" So I know she wasn't just saying it because she thought it was what I wanted to hear.

Anyway I told my dd's grandmother ( my dd's uncle's mother) that she wouldn't be allowed to stay over because of what happened. She has never apologised or tried to explain the situation but just insists that her ds didnt do anything wrong as in he was just playing.

I did allow my dd to be near him (always supervised) after because I didnt want to cause arguments and it was really upsetting for my dp... however I was treated badly by the rest of the family as if I was completely out of order for worrying that this incident occured.

Since this, because I do not feel that the family take this seriously and do not trust them to stop this behaviour in the future (as apparently it is not wrong), I have now said I dont want the uncle near my daughter. I havent stopped my dd's grandmother or other dcs from seeing my dd, just this boy.

I dont think I am being unreasonable... in fact I think I could have taken this a lot lot further .

What are your thouhts on my situation?

"drinking and smoking at 9! its not uncommon."

Yes it is. It really is.

Difficult situation. It really depends on the maturity of the 10 yo. Some 10 year old boys would have been just being silly, other more mature 10 year old boys may have meant it in another way. I feel for you it is an awful situation and YANBU.

ridiculous hysteria on this thread - again.
'abuse'

Wannabe

Quote of the week:
"fgs. There are exceptions to every rule but i certainly don't think that based on one news story about an 8 yo who shot his father that all children are gun weilding paedophiles who spend every night at the local pub downing cyder and smoking joints."

This kind of hysteria must be a bit like the witch hunts of old. The child could be innocent, but then again "he might not be" Burn him! Confront him! How salacious and thrilling!

YANBU at all. I think you are doing the right thing to make sure your daughter is never left alone with this boy.

It maybe innoccent but I would not take that risk. He needs to be told his behaviour is wrong.

I think your inlaws falling out with you is a small price to pay to ensure your DD's safety.

Anyone as depressed as me that the "peedofiddlia" hysteria now extends to children?

Allow supervised visits only.

Drop the issue but if there are any other incidents of inappropriate behaviour make sure your partner discusses it with his mother and ensures that someone has a discussion with the boy about it.

yep mabanana

this thread and some of the hysterical response is actually really very

If the baby I will soon have turns out to be a boy, I will definitely do whatever I can to protect him from this hysteria.

Completely mabanana.

Yes, I have a son too, and would do my utmost to protect him from people who so quickly put their own rather disgusting adult interpretation on childish willy waving.

Mabana, yes I am depressed with the "paedo" hysteria in this thread.

Who would want to be a child nowadays? Some people would like them tarred and feathered for behaviour, a generation ago, would have been laughed off as childish sillyness.

Exactly upwind and mabanana- I'm quite shocked by this thread.

I was simply implying that this sort of thing DOES happen in no way saying OP's BIL is a child abuser just that these things do happen
I have a 4yo and a 2yo boys and both know that getting their "willys" out is rude and not a done thing and neither of them do it,
and as for very young children not growing up far to early by smoking and drinking you only need to watch half the programs and documentary on TV to this that is common!

Im sure we would all love to live in a world were everything was always rose tinted but its not the case, child abusers, flashers, murders etc etc all have to start out as children FACT!
So in that case children that show worrying signs to any parent need to be dealt with and im not saying dealt with in the way of damning them hanging them or whatever other pathetic piss take you want to throw i mean sat down told what is a right way of acting towards others and what is not!

utterly hysterical.

Even by mumsnet standards. Which is saying something these days.

Did people on MN always finish their sentences with 'fact' and 'end of'? Makes it sound like the Big Brother house.

It is rather like the Big Brother house isn't it?

So jimjam what would be your way of dealing with it?

forget about it say nothing?

OP's DD clearly felt something wasnt right to meantion it to her mum, if a child feels that uncomfortable and you ignore it tell her to stop being silly he was only playing.....god forbid anything every happened to her when she is abit older and she feels that she shouldnt say anything as the person in question "might have been playing, that shes being silly" you have to think of the long term affects also....

AGAIN ill repeat that im not saying bil is a child abuser just that by 10 childern should have been tought what is right and wrong, what would happen if he did this at school?
Would the school say he was being silly? i think not it would be parents in "we are concerned...etc"

Blimey - you are getting your knickers in a twist about this!

He isd 10 he is still a child, he has done something inappropriate but not abusive, it wasn;t for his sexual gratification just a bit of curiosity and you painting a big red cross on the front door and not allowing your daughter to go near him will stigmatise the poor little sod for the rest of his life and really not give him a good idea of what sexual relationships are actually about.

have you got a 10 year old boy pokey?

no i have a nearly 5 year old but i to have a 10 year old bil who i know wouldnt do that, he would know that its rude etc

I'd say 'put it away' if I saw it then keep him away from hysterical mothers. If I was concerned that the behaviour was hightly inappropriate - ie if he'd done more than flash then I would sit him down and have a chat about it. My 9 year old, 6 year old and 3 year old bath together, they've always got them out and about.

My kids tell me all sorts of stuff about willys (well not my 9 year old as he can't talk) - it's not on their mind worrying them they think they're funny.

If what happened at school? Flashing. I saw a 7 year old boy (not mine) flashing at a children's activity recently. The world didn't end, no-one was damaged, his mother told him to put it away and stop being silly. I would expect a school to respond similarly. Repeated flashing like behaviour would presumably need to be dealt with more formally.

pokeydot- hear hear! MadameCF - think it's the language and assumptions of posters such as yourself creating the hysteria - we haven't been talking about vilifying the boy, but making sure that any underlying problem - even if just disciplinary - is addressed.