To think this is abuse and to put my foot down?

[hungryhorse]

I just want some honest opinions because I honestly dont think I am being unreasonable- and I ddont think close friends are telling me how they really feel... just agreeing with me so as not to upset me.
Ok...
my dd (4) told me that her uncle (10) was in bed with her, got out his "willy" and flicked it at her and then put it on her back.
I think that this is totally and completely wrong and that at the age of 10 this boy new wht he was doing was wrong. He is not an innocent 10 year old and in fact his mum thinks that is funny that he met a 14yr old girlfriend on holiday.
My dd told me this in one continuous sentence, there was no prompting from me such as "and did he do anything else" or "did he touch you with it" So I know she wasn't just saying it because she thought it was what I wanted to hear.

Anyway I told my dd's grandmother ( my dd's uncle's mother) that she wouldn't be allowed to stay over because of what happened. She has never apologised or tried to explain the situation but just insists that her ds didnt do anything wrong as in he was just playing.

I did allow my dd to be near him (always supervised) after because I didnt want to cause arguments and it was really upsetting for my dp... however I was treated badly by the rest of the family as if I was completely out of order for worrying that this incident occured.

Since this, because I do not feel that the family take this seriously and do not trust them to stop this behaviour in the future (as apparently it is not wrong), I have now said I dont want the uncle near my daughter. I havent stopped my dd's grandmother or other dcs from seeing my dd, just this boy.

I dont think I am being unreasonable... in fact I think I could have taken this a lot lot further .

What are your thouhts on my situation?

Tbh I think yabu

I know that you are doing it for all the right reasons in your head but I don't think from anything that you have said that the boy was doing anything other than being a boy

not an adult sexual preditor

At 10 my brother was constantly flashing at me because he thought it was naughty and his bits jiggled about.
He wasn't sexualised he was a child

you need to be careful not only in how you treat this boy but in how you deal with this in terms of your own dd.
Nothing actually happened

Your dh is a grown up, with a little brother of 10 years. Your dh is the closest sensible adult his brother realistically has as a role model. He is as likely a candidate to speak to his brother about his behaviour than your MIL.

If the boy is abused at home, if your MILs partner does that kind of thing to him, then of course MIL doesnt think the behaviour is bad - she has her head in the sand.

Your dh should speak to him, and as reasonable grown ups, you should try and be both role models and confidents to this young boy, WHILST also protecting your dd.

In this way, TWO children may be helped, and this may be the most sensible way to stop this oversexed behaviour.

also how can you confront a 10 yo?

Gosh, what a big fuss over a bit of willy waving.

God I should have read the whole thread

Sorry

I fail to see what is oversexualised about this behaviour....please be careful about putting adult thoughts and feelings into a childs mind

I suspect that you are more annoyed about the rection of your mil than you are about the actions of this 10 yo boy. Yes, she sounds like an idiot, but would it not be better to digest that information and proceed with the rest of your life accordingly. I agree with ops who say that you are over sexualising the behaviour of a 10 yo boy. I really would not take on the responsibility of 'dealing' with this. Your dd doesn't sound traumatised by it, but she may well be if you turn it in to a huge issue, she may begin to feel guilty about it.
The boy is 10, no one is a winner if you turn it in to a big deal, especially not your dd or the little boy. Just forget about it and move on. If she mentions it again, check she isn't upset, and treat it like a nothing. A lso, you could talk to her about boundaries etc.
Wrt her staying at your mils house, then I personally wouldn't allow it in the future, mainly because mil doesn't really sound very responsible, but instead of telling then that, you could just make excuses why she can't. She's your dd and you don't have to ket her stay somewhere you're not happy with. However being overly neurotic about the incident with her uncle could create unecessary family divisions which could last a life time. Please don't do this to her, or to the 10 yo boy.
yabu btw

The boy has a father who does not get on well with my dp . His father ( my dp's stepfather) is his role model, in fact a terrible role model. Anything my dp does to advise his little brother is disapproved of because of his stepfather's arrogance. My dp tries not to intefere because he doesn't want to make things harder for his mum... but in the long run I dont think this is sensible and have told him so. However I dont think it is my place to go and talk to the boy, maybe my dps which I have suggested, but not mine.

So some people think I am making a "big fuss over a bit of willy waving" and others are telling me things about signs of abuse at home.

My point is, it could be innocent, or it might not be... and I'd rather be safe than sorry.

OK, be safe, don't let her stay, but fgs sake once you're doing that, you're protecting her, so you don't need to make any more fuss.

I was happy to not let her stay over, but carry on as normal everywhere else... we would see them every week for sunday dinner, go to family celebrations etc. But because we wouldnt let our dd stay over , my dp's stepfather would make things very awkward. He would do petty things (he's kind of a bully) because of it.
That's when I told the mil that if they are going to be stupid, blame me and not take my concerns seriously that my DD wouldn't be allowed near her son (or her partner).

well, then, as the responsible pwarent, you need to try very hard not to be drawn in to a destructive argument by this bullying man, and to try to undo what you've said about the 10 yo.

why are they making a problem over your dd NOT staying over? Isnt that a bit

I think the only further action would be your DP having a little word with his brother telling him not to be so silly and to keep his willy to himself, reminding him about boundries and all that.

Its a shame his mum doesn't think she should be telling him these things but it might be hard for her to admitt the boy was being inappropriate. Maybe she has had a word with the boy but doesn't want to tell you this if she knew how upset you were and if words like abuse etc were used in the initial conversation it makes it harder.

why can't you allow them to see each other but only whilst you or your dh are there?

If you are so concerned that his parents don't know how to deal with it does it not wory you that later on in lifethey will tell him that you view him to be child molester etc
why has your dh (the boys brother) spoken to his brother about it?

He's a 10 year old boy.

Complete over-reaction. I would explain to my child about appropriate behaviour but if someone started banging on about it being abuse I would think they were barking and dangerous to be around tbh and that my son was vulnerable when around them.

Hungryhorse - you say that the 10yo is not innocent and mentioned the 14yo gf. Are you picking up on any specific vibes from the boy? Could he be being prematurely sexualised if he has access to his father's porn? IMO YANBU, and I would see if your DP can do anything more to get to the bottom of this.

Really! I don't think it is her place "to get to the bottom of things" tbh.

FGS just because he might have had a kiss or whatever with a 14yrold doesn't mean he is sexualised.

You must tread very carefully for everyones sake,

It is not just because you wouldn't let your DD stay over though, you feel you were "treated badly by the rest of the family as if I was completely out of order for worrying that this incident occured."

This suggests to me that you've been making a drama out of this and seeking confrontations.

"I just think that a normal person would be shocked, upset, obviously not believe their dd was behaving in a sexual way ... but at the same time would apologise and talk to the ds and explain to me what steps she has taken to ensure nothing like this can ever happen ( or be accused of happening) again."

I don't understand what happened? Did he just flash at her? If he did I wouldn't be remotely shocked or upset or unable to believe my 10 year old had done it. Although I would think it time to perhaps have a little chat about appropriate behaviour. I would be very wary of someone making it out to be a very very big thing indeed though.

Perhaps I've misunderstood and he did more than flash?

My seven year old waves his willy at everyone. His little sister is remarkably unpeturbed.

Well with 3 boys (3, 6 and 9) I have to say it's all I can do to stop them waving them at everyone. That's why I'm struggling to see the very grave danger here. But perhaps I'm missing something.

Ok so at 10 i guess our bodies are funny and that they are becoming aware of them. but you also have to remember that 10 year old's nowadays are properly alot older for there years than alot of us were i could never imagine kissing anyone at 10 yet you hear of girls having babies at 12!!,

drinking and smoking at 9! its not uncommon.

you only have to look at what was in the news recently about an 8 yr old boy who has shot his dad and another man!

also there are james bulgers killers they were only 10 but knew what they were doing.

you are right to keep your daughter away and right to think the parents need to take more responsibility

Skramble - my point is that everyone's different and sometimes you get a vibe to let you know there's somehting else going on. I'm sure we've all had this in the office or wherever where two blokes could say or do exactly the same thing but one of them would make you want to take a shower? If there is something going on then I'm assuming that DP would want the best for his half-brother, as well as ensuring that his DD and DP felt secure.

Jimjam - rtf OP!

"Ok so at 10 i guess our bodies are funny and that they are becoming aware of them. but you also have to remember that 10 year old's nowadays are properly
alot older for there years than alot of us were i could never imagine kissing anyone at 10 yet you hear of girls having babies at 12!!,

drinking and smoking at 9! its not uncommon.

you only have to look at what was in the news recently about an 8 yr old boy who has shot his dad and another man!

also there are james bulgers killers they were only 10 but knew what they were doing.

you are right to keep your daughter away and right to think the parents need to take more responsibility".

fgs. There are exceptions to every rule but i certainly don't think that based on one news story about an 8 yo who shot his father that all children are gun weilding paedophiles who spend every night at the local pub downing cyder and smoking joints.

His behavior was inappropriate and naturally you want to protect your DD. He is only 10 years old, a child, if he was 14 or 15 that would be quite different. His mother should be able to see that this is not acceptable and have a chat with her DS about this.
How did you handle it? If you went in accusing him of abuse then it is probably understandable that his mother was a little defensive. I think supervised visits are the right thing to do though, for your own piece of mind and the trust of your DD because she obviously felt he shouldn't be doing this.
It is a difficult situation but it needs to be handled sensitively in that if it causes lots of trouble you don't want any of this directed at your DD cos she will feel like she can't speak up again cos she will get into trouble. At the same time I think it would be wrong to label the boy as a sexual abuser, he may truly believe he wasn't doing anything wrong and this could also affect him.