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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is abuse and to put my foot down?

141 replies

hungryhorse · 20/11/2008 10:04

I just want some honest opinions because I honestly dont think I am being unreasonable- and I ddont think close friends are telling me how they really feel... just agreeing with me so as not to upset me.
Ok...
my dd (4) told me that her uncle (10) was in bed with her, got out his "willy" and flicked it at her and then put it on her back.
I think that this is totally and completely wrong and that at the age of 10 this boy new wht he was doing was wrong. He is not an innocent 10 year old and in fact his mum thinks that is funny that he met a 14yr old girlfriend on holiday.
My dd told me this in one continuous sentence, there was no prompting from me such as "and did he do anything else" or "did he touch you with it" So I know she wasn't just saying it because she thought it was what I wanted to hear.

Anyway I told my dd's grandmother ( my dd's uncle's mother) that she wouldn't be allowed to stay over because of what happened. She has never apologised or tried to explain the situation but just insists that her ds didnt do anything wrong as in he was just playing.

I did allow my dd to be near him (always supervised) after because I didnt want to cause arguments and it was really upsetting for my dp... however I was treated badly by the rest of the family as if I was completely out of order for worrying that this incident occured.

Since this, because I do not feel that the family take this seriously and do not trust them to stop this behaviour in the future (as apparently it is not wrong), I have now said I dont want the uncle near my daughter. I havent stopped my dd's grandmother or other dcs from seeing my dd, just this boy.

I dont think I am being unreasonable... in fact I think I could have taken this a lot lot further .

What are your thouhts on my situation?

OP posts:

Notreallycutoutforthis · 20/11/2008 13:24

Hungryhorse? Is any of this helping?! [hug]

pokeydot · 20/11/2008 13:24

see so were are basically saying the same thing you to would sit them down and explain but he did do more than get it out he pushed it onto her back.....

i dont think anyone has been hysterical i just think that mums instinctively want to protect their Dcs from things that go on and who can blame them there's so much crap in the world today who would want their dc part of that!

I dont necessarily think it was the boys fault i thin that by 10 his parents should have sat down and explained the correct way to act regarding "private" parts!

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 20/11/2008 13:26

"i just think that mums instinctively want to protect their Dcs from things that go on"
]
Absolutely - I want to protect my sons from people who over-sexualise normal childhood behaviour.

southeastastra · 20/11/2008 13:27

yes well put jimjams - weird over reacty thread

pokeydot · 20/11/2008 13:28

NRCOFT

but thats the whole point of the post!
bils parents didnt address the problem...they simply told op to grow up basically!

if it were me and someone felt worried or upset at the actions of one of my dcs i would go out of my way to rectify it.

Wigglesworth · 20/11/2008 13:32

I think both pokey and madam make good points. You don't want the girl to feel like she can't confide in her mother because she is made to feel silly. On the other hand he is only 10 years and I wouldn't be sticking him on the sex offenders register just yet, the accusations could scar him for life. His mother is aware of this situation and needs to deal with this accordingly but sensibly.

Original poster

hungryhorse · 20/11/2008 13:35

Thanks for your advice...

I can really see both sides of the argument.. and I do understand why my mil is being defensive. I am frustrated that she cannot fathom why I am concerned though- whether she agrees with it or not.

My dp is going to try and sort it out with her tomorrow, but I cant see myself apologising for my "overreaction" and I know that I cant believe she will be watching out for anything "inappropriate " in the future.

I think we will just have to be adult and see we have a different opinion on this... I have never stopped her seeing my DD but I am not happy bout her dp or son doing so.
I think thats how its going to be left now.

OP posts:

docket · 20/11/2008 13:35

Only read the OP.
I can understand why you're upset.
I wouldn't take this any further or categorise it as 'abuse' though.

pokeydot · 20/11/2008 13:39

did i miss something about her DP? i can understand you being weary about her DS but has her DP done something to upset you? or is it just the way you were treated after?

I do hope you sort it it would be a horrible thing to hang over a family
xxx

AnarchyAunt · 20/11/2008 13:40

Hmmm.

I have a rather similar situation - with my 5yo DD, and my 10yo half brother, who has SN (dx autism, possible PDA). I have seen him do some rather inappropriate things - ie, trying to get DD to touch his willy, wanting to look at her 'bum', following her to the toilet, wanting her to take her clothes off and get in his bed, that sort of thing.

I don't suspect any abuse in his family, rather that he just has trouble recognising what is appropriate. Its hard because his parents (my father and his wife) are in denial about his SN, do not try to get him any of the extra help he needs (ie speech therapy, behavioural help, parenting advice for them etc) and don't think there is anything to worry about. They pass it all off as "what boys do" which I know is true to some extent - I have two other brothers, and close friends with similar aged DSs.

I don't think he is an abuser, just a confused young boy. I don't want a huge big fuss made, but I think they need to take it a little more seriously than they do, as he needs to be made aware that its not really socially acceptable - he won't be 10 forever. One of his issues is that he has very little awareness of personal space, and as he gets older it does become a worry to me that he is not being encouraged to respect others' at all.

My way of handling it has been to give up on his parents, and to concentrate on telling DD how to handle it. I don't mention specifics, or willies - just a general talk about bodies being private, and how DB has problems with knowing how close its ok to get to people. I supervise them fairly closely when they play, and have stopped them sharing baths. I've made very sure to be tactful and non-hysterical over it, whilst still getting DD to understand that nobody is allowed to do things to her that make her uncomfortable.

onthewarpath · 20/11/2008 13:41

Yanbu to want to protect your daughter. I do not quite know what to add as dear uncle is also a child himself, it is the trickiest situation one can possibly imagine, I do agrre he is not a child abuser but being 10 does not mean he has no idea of what he is doing, especially if his frends are much older than him. Have you tried to talk to him and let him know it is not appropriate behaviour, that your daughter is upset and you are too.

Wigglesworth · 20/11/2008 13:41

I have friend who was abused (oral sex) when he was 8 years old by his 15 year old male cousin. My friend confided in his parents, his Dad (the boys natural uncle) was all for calling in the police etc. His Mum stopped him and spoke to the boys Mum about this, she dealt with it and the situation was resolved and it never happened again. This is different in that the boy was 15 and there was actual sexual contact, but it was probably dealt with in the right way.
My friend said all he wanted was for it to stop, which it did. He said it would have been even more traumatic for him to have had the police involved and he felt like he could trust his parents in the future to help him.

juicyjolly · 20/11/2008 13:53

When my dd was 4yrs old she brought a playmate home from school (male) and they played very nicely around me. After a while they were in the bedroom playing as I lived in a one bedroomed flat and so the bedroom was right next door to the kitchen and I was doing the tea.

When, after they had been in their for about five mins I went in to check I stopped at the 'open' bedroom door I heard my dd's friend say "Its alright, I love you".
Well, I felt sick when I looked and saw him kneeling in front of my dd with his willy out,trying to talk my dd into taking her knickers down. As soon as he realised I had walked in he fixed himself and acted as though nothing had happened.

The end result was me talking to the head of the school....I thought it showed some sign of abuse towards the boy......and she agreed.
The social services were involved and I have to say they only caused a load of shit and then went on their merry way!!!!

juicyjolly · 20/11/2008 13:56

hungryhorse......YANBU, no matter what any of them think, you know you are doing the right thing!
Keeping you little ones safe is more important than anything else, so good luck, and remember you are doing the right thing!

southeastastra · 20/11/2008 13:58

that is natural behaviour for a 4 year old sorry. you are loonies

AnarchyAunt · 20/11/2008 14:02

Loonies? Does that include me?

I hope I've done the right things - anyone who has a better suggestion pleae do tell me because I am thinking on my feet tbh, and have no idea who to ask for advice.

AnarchyAunt · 20/11/2008 14:05

I am not at all hysterical about peedofiddlia btw, I am fairly relaxed. T'other week DD had her little friend (male) from kindergarten round for tea, and they came downstairs giggling about 'looking at bums'. But two 5yos is a different scenario to me, to a 4/5yo and a 10yo. Its what I expect from similar aged children really, bit when one is much older and bigger it doesnt sit qute so easy, iyswim?

juicyjolly · 20/11/2008 14:05

NO, YOU ARE WRONG.

Normal to show each other private parts, yes!!!

NOT to be saying 'Its alright, I love you'

How do you think this little boy new to say that!!!!

juicyjolly · 20/11/2008 14:07

Regarding the posts question, then no she is not being unreasonable as there ijs n way a 10yrs old boy does not know that what he was doing was WRONG!

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 20/11/2008 14:09

I think it was aimed at the 4 year old stuff Anarchy, not you.

In your case yes I think it does need to be dealt with because he is going to be very vulnerable if he has some LD's and doesn't understand about inappropriate behaviour. It's not unusual for children with autism to show these types of behaviours and with sense and non-hysteria can be dealt with - usually using a mix of supervision and social stories. If the parents are in denial then it's difficult. Hopefully someone will use social stories at school or something.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 20/11/2008 14:10

oh dear the thread's gone hysterical again.

pokeydot · 20/11/2008 14:10

gotta admit that is quite a scary thing for a 4 year old to say and by the looks of it he knew what it meant iyswim?

AA- is there a doctor you could maybe talk to on behalf of you db? or maybe a school teacher? are the school not pushing for extra help for him?

wannaBe · 20/11/2008 14:11

"and as for very young children not growing up far to early by smoking and drinking you only need to watch half the programs and documentary on TV to this
that is common!" Of course! Because what is portrayed on television is never sensationalized is it? When they film a documentary to portray the state of our society they just go and film any old where and they always come across the same kinds of behaviors - children everywhere smoking and drinking all over the place. How silly of me to think that they made the effort to find people who will give them what the public wants to see.

How utterly histerical this thread is.

I hope that those of you who have sons and have your pitchforks at the ready are prepared for the day when someone accuses your child of being a paedophile based on one incident such as mentioned in the op. And if you really think that because your 2 year old knows that it's wrong to get his willy out now that he won't change once he goes to school and falls under the influence of others then you have no idea.

AnarchyAunt · 20/11/2008 14:12

I've heard about social stories and would quite like to get hold of one on this subject to show to the family - are they available online? Only thing is he is very very contra-suggestive - drawing attention to anything undesirable can often make it worse - so would a social story be helpful do you think?

AnarchyAunt · 20/11/2008 14:14

PokeyDot - the school appear to do only what the parents push for (overstratched, underfunded presumably).

Am going to start own thread about this anyway so as not to hijack and get mixed up in hysteria.

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