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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit sad for children in nurseries 8-6 every day?

1007 replies

SlightlySad · 15/11/2008 08:57

It struck me yesterday as I took DS2 to the aquarium then for a walk along the seafront that he was very lucky to be doing this. He'd had a few hours chilling out in the morning, taken his big brother to school, had a fun trip out, then back home for a nap.

If he had been in nursery since 12 weeks, then he wouldn't be doing half the things that he does - mother and toddlers, soft play, baby classes, singing classes, trips to the park, pre-school sessions... I know that some nurseries do these things, but it's not every day, and these are the better nurseries. Some children must spend most of their week in one room. I think this would drive DS2 mad.

I'm very lucky in not working, but this isn't a SAHM vs WOHM issue. I just think if I had to go out to work, that I would choose a childminder to care for my children rather than sending them to a nursery.

If you chose a nursery, does yours do lots of extra stuff? Do the children leave the nursery building/garden often? Why did you go with a nursery and not a CM?

OP posts:

feelingbitbetter · 15/11/2008 12:30

"Some children spend most of their week in
one room"

Have you ever set foot in a nursery?

How could you know that a childminder would not do the same - leaving child to play while watching Jeremy Kyle etc?

The environment, the stimulation from other children, variety of toys and structured play, social awareness....need I go on? THAT is what you get from a nursery. It's not always what you get from CM unless you are lucky enough to find a good one.

I would like nothing more than to take my child for walks along the seafront and 'chill' but sadly I have a massive mortgage and bills (Know what they are?) to pay so I must resturn to work. My baby son will be in nursery from 8-6 every day. Though I don't want to be separated from him, I do not feel sad for him - quite the opposite. He will enjoy a much more stimulating and active environment than I could provide alone - despite my best efforts.

I haven't read anything of this other than the OP. YABU - I do wish people would be more informed before posting here. Your way is not always the best way and its up to us all to make the best decisions that our situation allows. It is not your place to be sad for my son. You don't know us.

hambo · 15/11/2008 12:35

Has anyone read 'Affluenza' ? It is a really great book about happiness and the modern world. There are a few chapters dealing with nurseries, and whether the children are actually happy there, as most of their parents profess they are. It does not make for happy reading if your child does attend nursery more than three days a week, that is for sure.

Helsbels4 · 15/11/2008 12:37

findtheriver, I find your latest post really offensive tbh! I am a sahm but not because I can afford to be, or because I liked toddler groups or baby gym or because I'd get too stressed combining work with parenting (all you working parents must be so clever to be able to do that ) and I don't try to convince others that my children will be better adjusted than theirs. I'm a sahm because they're my children and I feel I am the best person to do the main caring of them. That is MY decision. It is a major struggle financially at the moment but hey ho. I am not trying to convince myself of anything thank-you very much and no, it's not that I'd hate to admit that they'd be fine without me. How would you like it if I implied that all working mother's have some sort of chip on their shoulders when they hear about sahm's? Such generalisation is pathetic.

guyFAwkesreQuiem · 15/11/2008 12:38

hmm hambo - admittedly my DS1 only attended nursery for 5 mornings a week (although he frequently cried because when I picked him up because he wanted to stay for lunch and the afternoon session) - he's 8 now and still talks about his nursery and what fun it was.

feelingbitbetter · 15/11/2008 12:38

Forgive me if I don't read it then . Again, whoever the author is, does not know me or my child or our circumstances and I will be the one to judge whether he is happy or not.

hambo · 15/11/2008 12:39

I wonder why people have babies if they do not see them except on weekends?

I think , if I had to work and therefore had to leave my baby in nursery for 5 days a week 8am to 5pm then I would consider not having the child. What is the point? You never see them anyway. Someone else is doing the mothering of the child.

posieflump · 15/11/2008 12:40

oh there are tons of books slagging off, praising nurseries

feelingbitbetter · 15/11/2008 12:41

Should a child not go to school then hambo?

VinegarTits · 15/11/2008 12:41

OP i am serious about wanting you to suggest a way of improving my ds lifestlye, i will take on board any suggestions you may have, but please dont feel sorry for him, i can guanrtee, if you met my ds, you would feel the complete opposite.

hambo · 15/11/2008 12:42

Should a child go to school?

Of course, but not when they are weeks old?

speakeronascanner · 15/11/2008 12:42

Nothing wrong with feeling sorry for people (even children) who we think (rightly or wrongly) are having a boring time.

But choosing these particular people (children at nursery) to feel actively sorry for, and post about, betrays an OP agenda she may not even be aware of but I bet is there all the same - not to put other people down, not to start a fight, nothing like that - but an internal thinking agenda that's about examining alternatives to what she herself has done (or would do if she used childcare) so as to feel even better about herself and her choices than she would just by looking at her children and thinking 'yep, they're happy'. Once you start looking at the alternative choices and mulling them over and posting threads about how you feel sorry for them - then you've strayed into judging other people as a way of making yourself feel even better, if you're not careful.

It's not that it's wrong to feel sorry for people you genuinely feel are having a boring time (whether or not you're right to feel that). But of all the 100s of people in different situations we could feel that about - picking the ones who conveniently represent different parenting choices to our own as the ones to think and post about - it's not wrong, I just think it betrays a hidden agenda of wanting to enjoy the warm glow of Feeling One Has Made A Really Good Choice. One gets a much more rewarding ego massage from thinking 'look what a good day my kids have had, look how dull it could have been at nursery' than just from thinking 'look what a good day my kids have had'. It's not the opinion of nursery that's irritating IMO - anyone can have any opinion and be right or wrong but free to express it - it's the choosing of that to voice an opinion about that gives away what might be a bit of an ego-stroking agenda, IMO. I think that's why threads like this can be so incredibly irritating - it's like arguing with smoke, because it's not the basic opinion that's actually so infuriating but the suspect motives.

FWIW I have used nursery, never a childminder, now use no childcare - I don't think nursery is great personally (wouldn't use it for a baby again), but that's for different reasons than have been discussed here, and I think a child at home has just as much potential to be bored. Picking an ideal at home day and comparing it with a poor nursery day is a lazy comparison - as someone else has pointed out, you could equally well pick a poor 'with mum' day (dvds, dragged round shops, etc.) and compare it to an ideal nursery day.

guyFAwkesreQuiem · 15/11/2008 12:43

"I think , if I had to work and therefore had to leave my baby in nursery for 5 days a week 8am to 5pm then I would consider not having the child."

Oh right so only the wealthy should have children then? What about those that fall on hard times financialy after their children have been born? Should they give up their children so they can have a "better" life, or perhaps struggle on, lose their home and their possessions just to stay at home with their children?

And what about those mothers who are SAHM's but suffer from PND and find getting out of the house a major struggle - are their children "better off" simply by virtue of the fact that they're at home "looking after" the children (although I beg to differ about them actually being looked after when the mother is suffering from severe depression - I certainly didn't interact with my DS's a few months ago when I was very low - they would all have been a hell of a lot better off being in outside childcare some of the time).

posieflump · 15/11/2008 12:43

Hambo when they go to school you won't see them 5 days a week from 8.45am to 3.30pm was the point

NorthernLurker · 15/11/2008 12:43

hambo - my dh has read that book and we discussed it. I've glanced throug it. It's a theory - there are lots of theories. Forgive me if I don't leap up and down tearing my hair because Oliver James tells me I'm doing the wrong thing.

as for your opinions on who is mothering my children - I suspect your aim in posting that was to upset and anger. well congratulations - you've suceeded. There are lots of things I'd like to say but I'll just settle for saying that you are wrong.

ExtraFancy · 15/11/2008 12:44

Oh yes

You are definitely a much better mummy than all those horrid ladies who leave their babies in nurseries. Imagine those poor children, not being able to go to baby music classes!

There, do you feel better now?

Greensleeves · 15/11/2008 12:44

I think hambo means babies, not school-aged children. I don't think a 12 week old baby should go to school, personally

I agree with posieflump that there are oodles of books and articles promoting and damning childcare of all kinds, including SAHMing. We live in a morasse of information an opinion, you can always find someone who has encapsulated your own views and got them published.

the "why have babies if you don't wan tto see them" is just hurtful and not constructive - even if you might think it's justified, obviously WOHMs who use nurseries don't. Do you REALLY believe they don't love their children, or are you just keen to win the argument?

This is such a tricky subject with such strong feelings on all sides, it's hard to have a debate without it descending into hysterics.

posieflump · 15/11/2008 12:44

"I think , if I had to work and therefore had to leave my baby in nursery for 5 days a week 8am to 5pm then I would consider not having the child."

do you include your dh/dp in that too? presumably he works all week?

feelingbitbetter · 15/11/2008 12:46

I don't think this thread is about the age of the child, is it?
You seemed to suggest that because I intend to return to work then I should not have had a child. I don't think that is a very fair assumption.

findtheriver · 15/11/2008 12:46

HelsBels - there was nothing remotely offensive about my post. I said that if people can afford to stay at home and choose to do it, then fine - what's the problem? Just be honest that it's because YOU want it, and don't try to convince anyone that it will make your children 'happier' or 'better adjusted' or whatever.
I used the phrase 'shit at going to work' because I was directly quoting what notanotter said about herself. I think we need to be honest about it - some people aren't successful in their jobs, or don't cope well with them - in which case you're more likely to give it up aren't you? That's plain logic - if I was shit at my job I doubt I'd want to be doing it!

hambo - I have read most of 'Affluenza'. TBH it's written to make money for the author and publisher. It doesnt take a great deal of brains to work out that writing a controversial book is a good moneyspinner! Anyone who reads this kind of book and bases serious life decsions on it must be seriously lacking in confidence in their own powers of judgement.

Greensleeves · 15/11/2008 12:47

the thread title does say "babies" ftr

VinegarTits · 15/11/2008 12:48

'I think , if I had to work and therefore had to leave my baby in nursery for 5 days a week 8am to 5pm then I would consider not having the child. What is the point? You never see them anyway. Someone else is doing the mothering of the child.'

Really hambo, so what are you suggesting? i should have termintated my ds so as to avoid him having such a miserable existance, as having to go to nussry full time?

Nobdy else has mothered my ds, i see him from 6am to 7.30 every week morning, then from 5.30 till 7.30 every weekday evening, i breastfed him, i bath him, i read him stories, i cook for him, i spend every waking min i can with him when i am not at work. So are you saying there is no point to my ds existance bacuse i work full time?