Would you let your dc be driven by another parent, to their house , for a play date?

[DabblesinDebate]

AIBU not to want this?

think other parent thinks i am weird because i said I would pick dc up after school and follow them in car to their house, and drop off.

Better safe than sorry

Best not get out of bed then!

op's post made me laugh out loud.

Pfb award of the week!

I think there is much more harm, long term, MsPontipine doing it your way.
I absolutely refuse to bring up my DCs in such a world of suspicion and mistrust.

I have a PFB and I wouldn't dream of worrying about this. We're all different though! I personally think it's a YABU if you're asking for an opinion either way, BUT at the end of the day, this is your child and you do whatever gets you to sleep at night

My ds isn't being brought up in a world of suspicion and mistrust but I refuse to be reckless with his safety for no other reason than convenience or to avoid causing possible offence to others.

"reckless with his safety" - by letting another parent drive him to thier house and give him tea?

Do you personally vet all bus and train drivers too? And airline pilots?

The message that you are giving him MsPontipine is that he is unsafe without his mother -hopefully he is very young at the moment and you will have relaxed before he picks up on it!

Oh honestly! What's wrong with the odd check first like can the woman actually drive?????

I will share with you an incident that happened a few years ago when ds was very little (0 years old) and maybe this experience has coloured my judgement to some degree but you must understand that as a single (always) mum of ds he is the most wonderful important person in my life and the thought of anything happening to him well I just couldn't start. . . In some cases I do beleive others think I am being way too careful and fussy but my choice is to err on the side of caution. Ds does not spend his days wrapped up in cotton wool he is a right little dare-devil jumping off and over high things climbing on stuff etc and yes I let him (with gritted teeth) and doing other dangerous sports etc but I have my limits. It is my responsibility alone to keep him in one piece and I will do my upmost to ensure this for now.

Anyway back to the incident - my friend (very close at the time - went through pregnancy, horrors of childbirth and those 1st enchanted motherhood months together as we were both single) gave me and ds a lift to another child's party in her car with her daughter (same age as ds) This party was quite a few miles away and as I am quite a nervous driver myself I was happy for the ride.

However later as I was sat next to her I noticed she was drinking from a (largish) glass of wine. My heart just sank. It was awful - whatever was I to do - make some excuse ring my mum to pick me up? Ask her not to? And risk upsetting/offending her? I thought about kicking it over but then she'd have notieed and got another glass. Sooooooo I drank it leaving tiny bit at bottom hoping she'd think it had gone down well and left it at that. I never saw her refill her glass. I also never discussed it with her. Since then really I check carefully who will be driving ds (and me) and if for example they plan to drink that's fine but we will not be going with them etc etc. I am happy for ds to travel with people I have met and travelled with etc but to let him jump into the car of someone not that well known to me.

No NO no

So. Your child is invited home for tea at another child's house. Do you ask to see the other mother's driving licence? Breathylize her? Check her insurance?

I think it is a little different if a mother is picking your DC up from school with her DC and taking her home. She is unlikely to have been drinking. You can make judgements-if you don't like it -don't accept the invitation.
If you do accept it, it is utterly ridiculous to follow her home in your car. In 9 out of 10 cases I would imagine it is a drive of less than 3 miles through a residential area where the speed limit never gets above 40mph.
I wouldn't bother to ask the DC again, I would get the impression that the mother would like to see my CRB check, look to see if my kitchen passes her hygiene test and quiz me on what I propose to serve for tea! Possibly even bringing her own food for the DC!
Even if you get a taxi or bus you have to trust in the abilities of the driver.
If you have a little dare devil MsPontepine you have to expect a few visits to A&E, unless you really restict him, or are very lucky!

In answer to the OP, I would think you were absolutely barking if you said you'd pick your child up and drop off at my house after school. My household is fairly relaxed and I'd worry that it wouldn't meet with your approval and I'd back track heavily to then try to get out of it. If you said to me, look I know this is my problem but I am a bit paranoid about my DC going in other people's cars then I probably would understand however.

But if you didn't, I would say to my very good friend on a Friday night at swimming when we get a chance to catch up, you'll never guess what happened when I invited little dabbles to play the other day..... and we'd both roll our eyes.

Dabbles, whilst I understand the desire to keep your child safe, you are BU. You seem to be much more anxious for your dc's safety than is healthy for either of you. Do you really want your child to be the one that all the other kids / parents in the class think of as the one with the weird smothering mother? Your child will stop getting invites and will end up with a heavily impaired social life. This attitude, if you allow it to continue, will result in you transfering your irrational fears to your child and bringing your dc up to be a nervous wreck, or rebelling in a devastating way.
I can't imagine that life is very enjoyable if you have to spend so much time in fear of what may happen to your dc. I really think you should consider talking to a professional like your GP about this anxiety.

I agree AbbeyA. Taking sensible steps to look after your child is one thing - we all do it. This is neurosis - and is seriously harmful. I wouldn't invite a child again in those circumstances. So, the OP is potentially depriving her precious child from normal day to day friendships and other experiences. What else will he not be allowed to do? Go on a bus or train? Go swimming? Play outside?
As I said, you'd never get out of bed if you take this to a logical conclusion.

I can understand the feelins of the OP.

My DC's are now 8 and 5yrs and I have always, and still, felt slightly sick when I know they are out and about somewhere being driven by someone other than myself.

This includes my Dh, my parents and other parents.

I also sometimes stop and think about how dangerous just going in a car is and feel sick that I ever let them go in a car, even with me.

However, they do go in cars, with me and with others, otherwise thier lives and mine would be severly curtailed. There are thousands of examples of things they, or me, couln't do if I never allowed this, playdates being just one of them.

I want them, and me, to have intersting, varied, full and fulfilling lives and experiences and relationships separate from those with me.

So I swallow my fears, try to rationalise my anxiety, ignore my sick feelings to allow my sons to experience a carefree childhood.

I think you need to do some of this DD. High levels of anxiousness do not equate to good mothering as you seem to suggest, but say alot about your belief behnd this that 'I am only a good mother if I protect them at all times' you need to start to also belive that 'a good mother does not stifle her children to control her own anxiety' and realise you cannot protect them every minute of every day and sometimes you have to trust other adults to do this for you.

I understand the anxiety, I really do, but that is your emotion, your problem, control it and don't make it your childrens problem.

Very sensible Annthecat. You have to stifle your own anxieties, it is your problem and you shouldn't let them know how you feel.

I don't like my DSs at the end of a rope on a rock face but I don't say so!

I think all parents have anxieties-it is part of being a parent. You have to learn to control them-not let them control your behaviour.

Well said Annthecat. I agree 100%.

dabble YABU

as others have said, it seems that you dont trust the other mum to make sure that your child is safe and well fed

I as a nanny obv drive other peoples children about daily, I also have no 1 friends over from school, and she will also go to their houses after school

i have my charges friend tonight, i will pick up from school, have got spare booster in car, and will make sure that ALL my children are strapped in, as i ALWAYS do

tbh i dont see the point in me turning up at school and collecting my charge, to then take to another childs house - its a waste of my time, and can be spent playing with my other 2

but obv it is up to you what you do/dont allow/want your child to do

You are insane - an opportunity for a) your child to play with someone else and have a great time b) 'time off' for you!!

The child is seven - if they were 2 or 3 maybe it would be a bit differnt, but I think you are being a bit daft here!!

Dabble, this is something you'll have to deal with now it'll only get worse as your child grows up. There will be so many more unknowns with far more risk than a friend's parent driving them.

For your own sanity, never mind the effects on your child, take the advice in Annthecat's post.

I had fears with my child being in another persons car, even to the point where i hated him being in grandparents car too, all because I had horrible thoughts that something terrible would happen and I'm not there with him. Its all about trust and trusting anyone with your child is your biggest hurdle. I'm pleased to say I took the leap and now my son goes to friends and we have his friends back too. Just think to yourself, your child is precious to you as theirs are to them, they wouldn't drive unsafely having the responsibility of another persons child with them, i know i wouldn't. Of course make sure they use child seats in their car x

And i agree its our problem to deal with and not our chids, don't deprive them! My son is a very socialable boy and I'm so pleased I took that leap to him having a happier life. He's 5 now, my issues were when he was a toddler, so safely been travelling with others for over 3 yrs, much to his delight!! x

An article in the Times today says that you should keep your own anxieties away from your DCs.e.g. if you are scared of dogs, keep calm and don't show it.
children's fears may be fuelled by parents

Am I the only person finding it hilarious that MsPontipine drank the wine?

You are not alone Cadelaide!
I think some people have real anxiety problems-they need to try and relax-or find a way to hide them.