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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let your dc be driven by another parent, to their house , for a play date?

180 replies

DabblesinDebate · 06/11/2008 22:49

AIBU not to want this?

think other parent thinks i am weird because i said I would pick dc up after school and follow them in car to their house, and drop off.

OP posts:
Original poster
DabblesinDebate · 06/11/2008 23:24

sorry spelling shit at this time of night!

OP posts:
brimfull · 06/11/2008 23:25

but dabbles you do want them to have a normal childhood don't you
they can't if they aren't allowed to visit friends etc.

you need to do something about your over anxiety

MascaraOHara · 06/11/2008 23:25

that level of anxiety is not normal, you need to get over it or it wil impact your children negatively.

BreevandercampLGJ · 06/11/2008 23:26

This is not normal behaviour.

Is everything else in your life securely in place ??

BreevandercampLGJ · 06/11/2008 23:27

and eat food i havent prepared....

Right, now you are scaring me.....this is seriously strange.

Original poster
DabblesinDebate · 06/11/2008 23:28

No, I think maybe this just makes me a good mother, who cares.

(albeit, al little paranoidly)

OP posts:
christywhisty · 06/11/2008 23:28

orry but being overprotective is almost as bad as neglect.
You are insinuating that other people don't care for their children as much as you do your own.
It is natural to want to protect but being a good parents is about being able to let go and allow your little one to start to spread their wings.

BoccaDellaVerita · 06/11/2008 23:29

I understand your anxiety, I really do, but I think you need to take a step back and consider whether your fears are well-founded or proportionate.

Do you think this other mother will fail to take good care of your child? Or feed them nasty, unsuitable food? What evidence do you have for that?

Of course you want to protect your children, but over-protection can be as harmful in its own way as neglect. Do you have a RL friend you can discuss this with?

Carmenere · 06/11/2008 23:29

YABBonkers

LurkerOfTheUniverse · 06/11/2008 23:29

they WILL be fine

I often offer to collect other children for playdates, i have one, they usually have >1 so easier for me

i used to be like this when dd was younger, but not now, i know she will be looked after

BoccaDellaVerita · 06/11/2008 23:30

Lots of cross-posts here!

TheFallenMadonna · 06/11/2008 23:31

The food thing is a bit weird now isn't it? I don't think it makes you a good mother either. Not that you aren't of course. Just that this doesn't make you one.

brimfull · 06/11/2008 23:32

dabbles-you are most definitely not acting like a normal mother

LurkerOfTheUniverse · 06/11/2008 23:32

you have to just do it and not think about it really

i did this when dd went on her first preschool visit, had to keep myself occupied to stop myself following the bus up the A38

she had a great time

LynetteScavo · 06/11/2008 23:34

Dabbles, I can see where you are comming from - I was a bit like this with my first - I dind't really want my mum driving him etc.; was nervous what might happen at someone elses house - but you have to let go - you really do, for the sake of your DC.

VanessaParody · 06/11/2008 23:38

Are you Jools Oliver? She has the same fears.

You will have to get used to handing over responsibility for your children - teachers, school minibuses, coach trips, walking to the shops on their own, sleepovers, Glastonbury... it all starts somewhere and another friendly mum with small children of her own is a very good place to start.

NCbirdy · 06/11/2008 23:40

I am sorry Dabbles but I think you are just showing more and more that you are being overly protective. It is understandable of course but your children will not put up with being controlled like this forever.

As has been said, there is always a first time for everything and you do have to let most things happen - when is very much debatable though!

One day your child will go on a playdate and the parent will think it is a totally fab idea to take them out to McDs for tea (or some other sess pool). Your child will survive it but you may not if you do not learn to relax a little bit!

chipmonkey · 06/11/2008 23:49

Dabbles, YABNuts! Food you haven't prepared? Does this woman's child look like he/she has scurvy or something?

mm22bys · 06/11/2008 23:50

I would, but the parents I know wouldn't feel comfortable taking another child who wasn't safely secured in a carseat.

If they were happy taking DS1 or DS2 in their car, I would feel happy them taking them.

Shock horror I have been in cars in London with DS2 not in a carseat.

I would not have been happy with DS1 not being secured when he was a baby...

However, I have travelled extensively with both DS1 and DS2 when neither of them have been in carseats (eg to Africa) and if it is safe enough for them there is it is safe enough occassionally for them here.

Obviously when I am driving (mostly just to and from school) they are both secure in standardised carseats.

I think you are BU.

lowrib · 07/11/2008 00:28

How old are your DCs? Is it unusual for them to go on playdates?

Can you see that if they don't get to socialise with friends outside of school because of your insecurities, this will be doing them harm, rather than protecting them?

Please don't worry about 'offloading' your children, you're not doing this - it's a chance to allow them to form normal friendships with other children.

Take a deep breath, let her go, it will be fine.

fortyplus · 07/11/2008 00:55

I'm joining in...

YABU... TOTALLY.

You will make your children weird - I've seen it happen. They will be terrified that no other adult can be trusted to look after them like you dou. Be very afraid of the effect this will have on their psychological well-being.

Time to lighten up and loosen the apron strings!

seeker · 07/11/2008 01:10

And if i was the other mother I would be incredibly offended! Have you not considered that aspect?

slim22 · 07/11/2008 01:18

You need to relax. Why don't you just go and pick them up a bit early with a nice homemade cake to share at their friends house.

If you do not learn and let them learn independence they will have separation anxiety too or become resentful because you are always on their back.

Niecie · 07/11/2008 01:33

I don't think YABU to have those thoughts but I do think YABVU if you act on them.

Our job as parents is to bring them up and let our children go, confident in their ability to deal with the world. Now you could wrap them up in cotton wool and not let them out of your control (as this is a control issue) until they are 18.

Or you can do the sensible thing to let them go by degrees. You have to trust them in the wider world. If that means letting them go in their friend's car then so be it. Look at it this way the other mother is unlikely to do anything to put her own children at risk so why should you worry about your own?

If you have that attitude about a play date you must be having kittens every time they go to school or worse, go on a school trip. You have to trust other people and you have to relax or your children will end up resenting you.

ghosty · 07/11/2008 05:29

You are not only being unreasonable but you are also being rude by telling your DS's friend's mother that you don't trust her.
DS invited a friend round to play one day after school and his father turned up at the playground to make sure I was there . I was offended that he thought I may forget his precious son - I thought it was very rude.