Would you let your dc be driven by another parent, to their house , for a play date?

[DabblesinDebate]

AIBU not to want this?

think other parent thinks i am weird because i said I would pick dc up after school and follow them in car to their house, and drop off.

You are definatly bieng unreasonable. Not wanting your children at other peoples homes, eating other peoples food, and being driven by another mother is very over protective . I think you are sending so many messages to your child that the world is a dangerous scary place where they will come to harm. This is not fair on them. I want my children to grow up confident and secure. I know they love being with their friends and friends are so valuble to children, you need to embrace the idea that they will go places without you , they will eat food you haven't made and they will love it and enjoy it . It all part of growing up and making their way in the world.

now everyone thinks i'm crazy...

'Fraid so! How do you expect your children to develop a sense of indipendence? Not only unreasonable behaviour, but unhealthy for your DCs IMHO. Certainly doesn't "make you a good mother" as you claim, makes you a junior version of the toxic controlling MILs that everyone is on here complaining about.

If you don't feel comfortable about another parent driving them don't have after school play appointments. Take them round at the weekend or in the hols.

I don't think you're crazy, just struggling a little with letting go. Being a good mother means doing what is best for the child, sometimes you might not like it but if its good for your child you need to take a deep breath and send them off smiling .

I don't think you are crazy but def over anxious and over-protective.

You will need to let go.

You arent crazy to have these thoughts, but dont let your anxieties limit your childs normal development.

YABU and bonkers

I think that you are BU. You will make your child a social outcast by behaving like this. You have to let go a bit - school age is in my HO a good time to allow this.

DabblesinDebate on Thu 06-Nov-08 23:08:06
"Does nobody agree with me?

I cant be THIS paranoid?

Driving is dangerous.

(freak out emoticon)"

And yet you propose to drive your dd to this playdate

Are you assuming that you must the best driver in the world, or that your dd cannot come to any harm when she is in your company?

Sorry to disabuse you, but the vast majority of children killed in car crashes are being driven by their parents. If somebody runs into you, your presence in the car will do absolutely zilch to protect your dd.

ANd there is an equal possibility that this other woman is a better driver than you and that your dd is actually safer with her. Why is that so impossible for you to imagine? Have you any evidence that you are exceptionally good or that this woman is bad?

The truth is that driving is dangerous. You are taking a risk every time you take your dd in a car. But it is a small risk that you are clearly willing to take. If not, don't drive her at all.

By cory on Fri 07-Nov-08 10:19:03

Its not a personal attack on other person.

I just dont want my childs life to be someone elses responsibility

I was the same and had to explain to other mothers that it wasn't anything to do with them - it was my irrational fear.

It's all to do with control. when you are driving you feel you can control the situation (of not crashing etc). When someone else is behind the wheel with your precious one that control is taken away from you and the unreasonable panic sets in.

I can only advise that you don't let your child know your fears. And eventually after a couple (or few times) your fear will almost evaporate and you'll let them go.

So, you're not being unreasonable or strange, just a bit over protective, but hey, there are worse things to be.

DD a lot of us sometimes have these irrational fears but you must learn not to let them take over.

The danger is that your dear little ones will pick up your mood and become fearful.
You want them to be outgoing and confident in their relationships not suspicious and withdrawn.
That's what you must focus on.

Remember they learn by example.

Take it one step at a time.
start by dropping them off/picking them up yourself and progress to letting them do outings under the supervision of other parents.
If you do feel overwhelmed, do explain the situation to a small group of mums you trust and then build up from there.

Good luck

Your child's life is someone else's responsibility all day at school! Looking at a playdate as sending your child's life into someone else's hands is a recipe for a lifetime of angst, unconfident children, over-protectiveness etc etc.

As another poster has already said, kids die in cars driven by their parents all the time. I'm always a careful driver, but am EXTRA EXTRA careful when I'm driving other people's kids.

If the other parent was a known alcoholic or had narcolepsy then yeah, maybe it wouldn't be a good idea, but I bet she isn't!

It's so important for your kids to make friends, go to their houses, interact with other children and adults - encourage it all you can and reciprocate. You'll relax about it once you get some practice.

YABU as others have said - but I can sort of understand where you are coming from. But the bottomline is, your child will be in their care in their homes where accidents are just as likely to happen (boiling kettles, tripping hazards, fires etc - just to freak you out ).

So unless you plan to be physically present with your child at all times, everywhere - it doesn't actually make sense to just focus on them being driven by someone else.

You either trust the parent, or you don't.

Don't fall into the trap of being an overanxious parent. It does your child no favours either socially (they will be embarrassed by you) or emotionally (they will learn to be fearful).

Driving yourself is only the illusion of control though - you can be the best driver in the world but you have no control at all about what other people do on the road.

The worst prangs I have been in have been somebody else's fault - the children are no more likely to be hurt with somebody else than they are with you.

Regarding not wanting your children to be the responsibility of anybody else - sorry but they already are. Everytime they go to school, clubs or even consult a professional like a doctor or a dentist, they are somebody else's responsibility and there isn't anything you can do about it.

I think you are thinking about this way to much and I say that in sympathy as somebody who has to fight the tendency myself.

DabblesinDebate on Fri 07-Nov-08 10:23:06
By cory on Fri 07-Nov-08 10:19:03

"Its not a personal attack on other person.

I just dont want my childs life to be someone elses responsibility"

Well, she is that every day at school; they have the responsibility to keep her safe.

I was just pointing out that there is no reason to think she will be any safer if you drive her behind the other car. If you really worry about the dangers of car driving, which I would have some sympathy with, then I think you should walk her there.

What it I wanted to say was, this feeling that she is safer in your car is almost certainly irrational. There is an element of danger whenever she goes in a car. The fact that she is with her own parent has no real safety implications.

You need to start practising overcoming fears that are irrational and concentrating on real fears. Or what you will you do at the next school trip? Keep her at home alone? What about when she wants to take the bus into town to go shopping when she is older? Sooner or later you must let go.

As Turniphead says, it's an illusion of safety.

Recent research has shown that the vast majority of accidents happen to children when they are in the care of their parents.

It's easy to be over worried with your first child, but you do tend to relax over the years.

I'm only saying this because I don't drive, + often ferry other children around on the bus or by taxi if I'm taking my dcs' friends out with us. When my daughter was 5, people would say, "Will my son/daughter be safe with you in the bus/taxi, have you got a spare car seat, etc?"

I find now people just say, "Oh, ok see you later", + I ask them if I can take their child's booster seat as I only have one for each of my dc's. They normally give me the booster seat, but they probably wouldn't think about it if I didn't.

my chiuldren are deffo safer with someone else driving

sorry, Niecie said it. But it was well phrased, anyway.

fgs, I would say Don't bother, take your child home, and I would have another child round who's mother trusted me to look after her lo

jumpingbeans - thats not very nice.

Yes you are.

What worries you? Is the other parent a dangerous idiot, a drink driver?

YABU, and I am pretty precious myself, tbh!