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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let your dc be driven by another parent, to their house , for a play date?

180 replies

DabblesinDebate · 06/11/2008 22:49

AIBU not to want this?

think other parent thinks i am weird because i said I would pick dc up after school and follow them in car to their house, and drop off.

OP posts:
clam · 07/11/2008 12:19

And actually, on reflection, I think this is a troll. Something about the subsequent responses....

littlebrownmouse · 07/11/2008 13:37

My PFB (aged 5) is picked up for school two mornings a week and driven across town by his friend's Mum. He is then taken to breakfast club and presumably manages to get his breakfast (he'd certainly tell me if he didn't) and get to class (the teacher would tell me if he didn't). I return the favour two mornings a week and take said friend to school in the same way. Boster seats are used etc. I set up this arrangement via a note in a book bag to parent of friend when I'd only met her a couple of times and I don't think I'd spoken to her at all (parent, not child). I'm not palming him off on other people and there's not a day goes by that I don't worry that he'll have an accident (fall off climbing frame, car crash, choke while eating school dinner etc.), but I recognise that these events are rare and that I can't keep him tied to my apron strings forever as it would not be healthy for any of us. The chances of him growing up with issues because of parental anxiety are far greater than him having an accident of any sort. In order for you and your child to have a normal, well adjusted life, you need to conquer your fears and let him/her live as a fully functioning part of the big wide world. Its a really important life skill.

schmu · 07/11/2008 13:44

well, i'm a bit nervous of 2 of my female friends driving my girls, on the basis that i dont think they are v good drivers! they go with mil- no problem! if i dont know the person driving them, i would feel a bit anxious, but would force myself to get a grip and not catastrophise

LurkerOfTheUniverse · 07/11/2008 15:04

have to say, i worry more about other people's children in my care

abbierhodes · 07/11/2008 22:24

I think the OP is a troll as well.
If not, then she is completely mental. Either way, really.

AbbeyA · 07/11/2008 22:33

I would have assumed it was normal behaviour to be driven by the playdate's mother.

AbbeyA · 07/11/2008 22:34

What is OP going to do with lift shares as her DC gets older? With 3 DSs I would be forever in the car if I didn't lift share!

happywomble · 07/11/2008 22:58

The OP is not completely unreasonable as there are some really bad drivers around and some who do not use car seats properly, or talk on their mobiles while driving. There are also mothers who let their children rush ahead of them out of school meaning they are in danger of being run over.

When I first had children I didn't drive and was kindly given lifts by friends. However several of them drove very fast right on the tails of the car in front and I didn't feel safe at all...one of the reasons I overcame my fear of driving and started driving.

I sometimes bring my children's friends back for playdates and always drive with the utmost care. I hope your DCs playdates mother would do the same. If she is driving in a built up area she will not have a chance to gain speed so hopefully at 30 mph your DC would be safe.

I think people are being unfair towards the OP. Accidents can happen whilst walking or driving home from school and it is natural to worry how things will go when you are not there. However generally speaking I think the majority of mothers would take more care when they have some one elses child with them.

FuriousGeorge · 07/11/2008 23:25

YABU,by the time dd1 was in reception,she had been in most of the other parent's cars and their dc's had been in mine.It is a weekly occurance at school,for other parents to collect other dc's than there own.We all help each other out if we can.For instance,there is a party next week and we will probably car share so 10 sets of parents don't have to drive 10 miles there & back.

ingles2 · 07/11/2008 23:53

I don't know if this is a troll or not but I feel quite sorry for the OP. She obviously has real anxiety problems and her dc isn't even very young...she said under 7 didn't she? so must be yr1 or even 2.
does this mean the dc has never had a play date? ...that's a real shame for the child. time to stop you anxity ishooos affecting your child. have you someone in rl to help you?

ingles2 · 07/11/2008 23:53

I don't know if this is a troll or not but I feel quite sorry for the OP. She obviously has real anxiety problems and her dc isn't even very young...she said under 7 didn't she? so must be yr1 or even 2.
does this mean the dc has never had a play date? ...that's a real shame for the child. time to stop you anxity ishooos affecting your child. have you someone in rl to help you?

MsPontipine · 08/11/2008 00:16

I'm with you DabblesinDebate

Maybe the majority of parents are perfectly competant and careful drivers. But unless you've seen or travelled with this mother driving you have no way of knowing and imo only a fool would put a child in this situation.

Some drivers
. use mobiles
. drink alcohol
. don't use seat bets or car seats
. fill car with choking cigarette smoke
. speed scarily even in school zones and residential areas
. are generally crap

I will do my upmost to ensure my ds is not driven by any of these and OP is NAABU
to ensure the same for her dc.

AbbeyA · 08/11/2008 08:43

Any sensible parent operates on a lift share basis. If you have 3 DCs and they all have separate interests you can't physically let them do them all if you don't share lifts-some would miss out.
If you are taking them to football training on a wet, winter evening it makes sense to take their two friends who live nearby. For 3 of you to take 3 cars on the same journey is utterly ridiculous! One takes, one brings back and one has a week off!
My teenage DC is now getting lifts from his friends who have passed their driving test-am I supposed to ban him?!
Those who agree with OP will have to lighten up on your parenting at some stage! You have to trust other people. You can have your DCs in your car and be involved in a major accident, however careful a driver you are!
Accidents happen to good, careful drivers-because they are on the road with drunken drivers on mobiles!

princessmel · 08/11/2008 08:58

fgs why are people shouting troll just cos they dont agree with the op?

I sort of see where you are coming from Dabbles. I felt like this to some extent when ds first went on a playdate with someone I hardly knew. I was fine with the mums I knew well, but I didn't know some of his friend's parents that well.
I did think for a tiny bit, this is strange I'm letting my ds go off in the car with somebody I don't know, to his house I've not seen etc. It did feel odd. But I'm totally fine now.

Come to think of it, most of the first few playdates he went on, I went too. He wasn't happy about going without me, so I followed behind and stayed . Then after a few I just
then had a cuppa and left after a while.

You are not strange or bonkers just getting used to new things for your child.

Kimi · 08/11/2008 09:02

OFGS unless she has a mad look in her eye and an axe in the back seat get over it
Enjoy the rest of not having to do the school run.

AbbeyA · 08/11/2008 09:06

I don't think OP is a troll. I can see it being a bit of a problem with a young DC, but you have to get rid of your own fears and take reasonable risks. You are taking a risk everytime you go on a journey in your own car.
You can't have total control over your DC, mind and body for ever! It is a gradual process of letting go. It starts with simple things like being picked up from school by the play date's mother. If you don't trust her driving why are you letting your DC go to her home? -perhaps her cooking leaves a lot to be desired too!

milge · 08/11/2008 09:13

I think you are being entirely unreasonable and offensive to the other mother, who should tell you to take a running jump.
However, everyone has anxieties that are not rational. To allay your fears, for your childs first playdate, drive them yourself, leave, and then come back and pick them up.For the second play date, drive them yourself, leave and let the "hostess" bring your dc home. For the third playdate, let your child be picked up and brought home. In effect you are building yourself up to it. If you let your anxiety levels stay as they are you will seriously affect your child. Maybe some anti anxiety pills from your GP would help?

AbbeyA · 08/11/2008 10:08

I think OP's DC will end up pretty friendless. If my DS had invited a friend home to tea after school and then the mother said that she would pick him up and drive him to my house, following in her car, I simply wouldn't ask the DC again!
I certainly wouldn't ask them again if they came with a manual of instructions like 'don't offer biscuits' or 'can only have fresh fruir for pudding'.
I would expect to know what time they were picking up and if they had any allergies or relevant medical problems and that is ALL!

Boyswillbeboys · 08/11/2008 10:45

Dabbles, I completely understand your point of view, and I'm sorry you are not getting more sympathy. It can be really hard to let your DC go. I was exactly the same as you, resisted letting other parents collect/drop off DS1 for ages, but now I am fine with it as long as I know the parents quite well, where they live etc and as long as they have a spare booster seat for my DS. (DS1 is 6.5). Haven't had the same situation with DS2 yet as he is younger and all his friends are more local so we tend to walk and I usually stay during playdates. I have to say that there are some parents who I definitely worry about taking care of my DS1 though - we live in a very busy area and my DCs always hold my hands when we are walking anywhere. Other parents let theirs run off down the road, to the point where you just can't see them because of other pedestrians and it totally freaks me out. I worry that if DS is running with his friends, all excited etc, they might have an accident, run into the road etc, etc.

piratecat · 08/11/2008 10:57

has she said how old her child is?

My dd's first playdate actualy included me, so it was great to see dd at ease, becuase she wanted me to go anyway!! She was just coming up to 4 tho.

I remember when dd started school she got a playdate invite within aboyt 2 days from someone I didn't know, and that was a bit freaky tbh. Again dd actaully said what she wanted, and that was that she didn't like the 'date'.

You are being a bit paranoid, but then what are the circumstances.

happywomble · 08/11/2008 11:02

I have already posted in support of OP further up thread. I can relate to OPs worries as some parents do not drive safely or keep their children with them when they are walking.

However, I would not let another parent realise my worries as I think it would cause offense. So I would not pick my child up and follow the mother to their house. I would talk to my child on the day of the playdate, reminding them to walk next to their friend's mother to the car (ie. not run ahead near traffic). I would bring my booster seat on the morning and hand it over to the mother. Remind your DC to put their seat belt on so that it won't matter whether the other mother thinks of it or not.

I think in most cases people would look after someone elses child very well. For example I always put the visiting child in the back in my DSs proper car seat and put my DC in the front on the booster seat.

jellybeans · 08/11/2008 11:02

YANBU but at some point need to take a risk, still your DC is young. I am very overprotective of my DTs (due to some traumatic experiences maybe) and said no to about half their playdate offers until recently (age 6 now). My reasons were...my DSs had special needs which were more noticable when younger and I was worried that the parent who invited's child was much more advanced eg running ahead etc, mine would run in the road, I thought 3 and 4 years without a parent is too young. I said no (and still do) to people who let 4 or 5/7 year olds play out in the street unsupervised, anyone laidback with ponds or vicious dogs around kids. If I feel happy (I did with about half the parents) then I let them go straight from school. If not, I drop them off. I hav only just stopped worrying he whole time they are there though! You do get used to it but wait till you feel ready/happy with DC going.

tots2ten · 08/11/2008 11:18

YABU.

Do you let your dc go in the car with other family members?? or is it just you that your dc has to go in the car with?

findtheriver · 08/11/2008 11:49

Excellent post littlebrownmouse.

Basically, to say you don't want 'anyone else' to have responsibility for your child is crazy. From the moment they are born, our children are gradually going through a process of forming relationships with other people, experiencing new situations etc . It's called living. Of course we want to protect our children - that's obvious. But to equate this with never letting them go anywhere/do anything is actually doing the opposite - it is potentially harming them greatly. At it's most extreme, you see it with mothers who can barely let the father hold the baby or get a look in. Total control freakery. That way madness lies...

Get a grip!

AbbeyA · 08/11/2008 13:00

I totally agree findtheriver! It is very bad for the future emotional health of the DC.