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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let your dc be driven by another parent, to their house , for a play date?

180 replies

DabblesinDebate · 06/11/2008 22:49

AIBU not to want this?

think other parent thinks i am weird because i said I would pick dc up after school and follow them in car to their house, and drop off.

OP posts:
ghosty · 07/11/2008 10:46

DD, I was a bit harsh on you earlier ... I understand about irrational fears ... I was nearly abducted walking home from school at 7 years old and I have had to really work hard with my own issues on that score with my DS (who is nearly 9). When he was 7 we lived very close to school and he wanted to walk home like others in his class and although it made me physically sick to let him I did (but I hid in the bushes at the end of the driveway so I could see him walk down the road towards me, then leg it inside before he saw me spying ). Then we moved to a new area and I was so happy to be 'too far, with too many roads to cross' from the new school for him to walk without me
But then this term the independence thing reared its ugly head as lots of children DS's age are cycling to school ... sigh. So what we do now is: DS sets off on his bike to school, I get DD in the car and drive down to the play park next to school, where he meets me to 'say goodbye'. He then goes off to school feeling very happy and independent, I go back home feeling that I have been a good mum and seen him safely to school ... in the afternoon DD and I meet him in the playground, he then picks up his bike, cycles home while I drive slowly home and meet him there ...
It's a bit complicated but it is a win/win situation - DS feels he can take on the world and feels all grown up and fabulous but I still feel in control and know he is safe.
Your thing is the car thing but really, you will give your child such a good feeling to be picked up by another parent - all kids LOVE that part of the playdate ... he will get so much out of it

cupsoftea · 07/11/2008 10:47

It's ok to be worried about a parenting issue - you are not obliged to let others drive your kids & if you explained many parents would understand & you could sort out your kids playing when you can drive or they come round.

I always feel stressed to have other peoples kids in my car as they are the most precious imortant thing in the world to their parents. It is such a responsibility.

jumpingbeans · 07/11/2008 10:47

Grow up

cory · 07/11/2008 10:48

I think by now, the OP has probably had it rubbed into her fairly thoroughly that we do find her BU.

I wouldn't flounce or be offended if a friend said this to me and I don't think that is a helpful attitude to take. But I would perhaps be a little concerned about her dd if this attitude of irrational fears was likely to affect other areas of her life (school trips, sleepovers, sports). Having your children grow up is so much about relinquishing control and keeping your heart in your mouth.

Original poster
DabblesinDebate · 07/11/2008 10:49

By jumpingbeans on Fri 07-Nov-08 10:47:43
Grow up

  • wow, you are so rude.
OP posts:
Original poster
DabblesinDebate · 07/11/2008 10:49

By jumpingbeans on Fri 07-Nov-08 10:47:43
Grow up

  • wow, you are so rude.
OP posts:
mayorquimby · 07/11/2008 10:50

yabu and it's pretty insulting.i mean if you don't trust them to drive your kid home how come you then trust them to look after your kid in their home with all those sharp pointy objects and bleaches and all the other hidden dangers ?

jumpingbeans · 07/11/2008 10:51

Why am I rude?

VinegarTits · 07/11/2008 10:51

Ok i aint read the whole thread

Is this the first time your dc will have done to their house for a playdate? and do you know where they live? If its first time and you dont know their address, then you YANBU

If not then YAB and tad U

VinegarTits · 07/11/2008 10:52

I mean gone, not done

SoupDragon · 07/11/2008 10:55

Your child will be fine.
You have to let them go.
They are someone else's responsibility at school.
They are someone else's responsibility in a coach on school trips.
Your child will have a whale of a time on the playdate and the journey there.

crokky · 07/11/2008 10:58

I haven't read whole thread but, DabblesinDebate, I really sympathise with you and can totally understand where you are coming from. My DC are only 2yo and baby so haven't got as far as you yet.

I would let your child be driven by the other parent and go on the playdate (offer carseat/check they have a spare). The reason for this (believe me I am extremely overprotective so I do know!) is that in protecting them to such a high level and keeping them "alive", it may prevent them from "living". I have only briefly left either of my DCs and only with my mum so I need to let go as well. I think this would be a good first step for you if you think you can trust this parent.

estimo · 07/11/2008 11:01

I can see where you're coming from but I think you are putting your anxieties before the needs of your dc. They will have a fab time and it will be your turn next so you will be back in control

cory · 07/11/2008 11:01

Ghosty's post is a lovely example of handling fears in such a way as to give maximum independence and still feel safe.

My ds who is now 8 walks alone from school, so I suppose I am entrusting his life into the hands not of some other parent, but actually into his own hands. I am swayed by having seen too many students arrive at university clueless and incapable of dealing with danger, because they have never been exposed to it.

I know it's a long time off, but I want to let the letting go process be very gradual, because I think that makes it easier to take in.

stinkymonkey · 07/11/2008 11:02

Trip trap, step away

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 07/11/2008 11:03

"in protecting them to such a high level and keeping them "alive", it may prevent them from "living""

That's a good way of putting it.

Parenting is a gradual process of letting go and handing over the reins for them to take full control. If you don't manage to do that they will run as far as they can eventually. It's good to start early. See it as a first tiny step.

onthewarpath · 07/11/2008 11:04

Does not make much sense but maybe she does not trust parent to be good driver. At the end of the day if she wants to take her daughter herself, there nothing fondamentaly wrong with it is there?

FlirtyThirty · 07/11/2008 11:39

YABU - I would think you very strange indeed...and probably question how much time you had on your hands to do such things. Sorry.

bythepowerofgreyskull · 07/11/2008 11:42

you are being unreasonable.
If you don't trust the family enough to drive your child safely I wonder why you are entrusting them with your child at all.
you either trust them or you don't.

PsychoGuyFawkesMum · 07/11/2008 11:46

you are insane.

sorry, but you are paranoid to the extreme, and this comes from a mum who has had three nasty car accidents (not helping the case here at all am I).

I would not want a child here whose mum did not trust me to care for said child to the same ability as I care for my own....I honestly wouldn;t.

and I have to say, if I was being followed and judged, I would be turned into a gibbering wreck of a driver an therefore be at 100% higher risk of causing or haiving and accident, and if you were following, you would be involved possibly aswell, which would kind of scupper your plans of keeping your child safe.

why don;t you just lock your child in a box......be much safer and in your control then!

nolongeraworriedmummyfied · 07/11/2008 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jumpingbeans · 07/11/2008 11:51

I thought this was a troll, not a very good one, but a troll non the less.

christywhisty · 07/11/2008 11:54

I think parents take more care of other peoples children than their own.
I had 3 of DS's friends after school when he was about 7. I worried so much about making sure I had all of them and that they were keeping together, I completely forgot to pick up DD from reception and was half way out of the school before I remembered

cory · 07/11/2008 12:07

I think it is unkind to call a poster insane or start throwing troll accusations around just because they may have irrational fears.

Have you never met a genuine person in RL who suffers from irrational fears? It's no fun, you know.

I remember my SIL taking her pfb to the doctor when he had a snuffly nose "because he might develop an ear infection". Yet I assure you that my SIL is a real genuine person, not a figment of anyone's imagination. And with a little encouragement she has grown out of her overprotecting pfb-ness and is proud of her son's competence and independence.

We don't know why the OP is feeling unusually protective. She may be going through a bad time or she may have had a really bad experience relating to bad drivers. It is useful to point out that yes, you are being over-protective. But calling her names serves no useful purpose that I can see.

clam · 07/11/2008 12:18

Troll or not, she asked if she was BU. Overwhelming response was Yes. Some went further, saying 'Unreasonable? How about crazy?
And I agree with whoever said it's very insulting to the other mother. It would certainly be the last invite I gave out to that child.

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