DP and facebook. Again.

[zephyrcat]

AIBU? Possibly.

We had all this once before. DP being a bit over friendly with women he doesn't know adding him on FB. Nothing untoward, just typical ego boosting crap for a middle age man!!

Anyhow, there is a woman who added him because she knows friends of ours. She didn't add me though (hadn't thought of that til now!) She bombarded him with hugs and kisses and best friends crap from various applications. Their chats are just friendly but very 'babe' 'hun' 'xxxxx' and dp doesn't type like that whatsoever until it's her.
I'm a little peeved as his partner and the mother of our children to say the least!

I kicked off a little tonight and asked him to leave his FB page on if he had nothing to hide (he's out tonight) and he did - very reluctantly. This is the conversation they had tonight: (it's her b'day today)

4:13pmMartin
life begins today !!!!!! lol how you doing!!

4:13pmClaire
dying! lol

4:13pmMartin
lol

4:14pmClaire
just about to go into pool! wanna join me? haha

i see u beat me to it! haha

4:16pmMartin
early bird and all that!!!!!! lol

4:16pmClaire
are u calling me a worm????? lol

4:17pmMartin
why you want to be caugh??

4:20pmClaire
haha!!! depends whos doing the catching!!!! lol xx

4:26pmClaire
i didnt beat u yet! lol

4:34pmMartin
i think you might now!!!! lol

4:35pmClaire
i doubt it! lol. be there in a minute! xx

4:38pmMartin
hev's still not happy with us!! she thinks we'er over friendly for just knowing each other on FB???!!

4:40pmClaire
oh i'm sorry martin. i dunno wot to say. its not like we're doing or saying anything wrong! i think she has a serious jealousy problem and its way out of hand. we're not doing anything wrong!!!!!

4:42pmClaire
hope that doesnt offend u....wot i said about hev.

i just have trouble ubderstanding her problem with me. thats all

4:44pmMartin
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HER ???

4:44pmClaire
dont shout at me!!! lol

i'm on ur side! haha

sorry its causing u problems tho xx

4:45pmMartin
but i'm a bloke and understanding woman isn't my best subject!!! lol

4:46pmClaire
we are very difficult to work out.....i'll give u that! but then again, so r some men! lol

4:49pmMartin
i don't know what to do?? it's all a little OTT i think, but it's all just harmless fun me and you, she thinks there is more to it? ithink??!!

4:52pmClaire
well obviously ...she keeps deleting me! has she got ur password?

have u tried telling her theres nothing going on?

4:54pmMartin
yes, but that not worked very well!!!! lol

4:57pmClaire
oh dear! trouble is, once us women get something stuck in our heads, its hard to shift it! wot do u want to do? i darent add u again if she deletes me. u'll have to add me. but if u wanna leave it, i'll understand xx

5:08pmMartin
i've changed my password!! so we will have to ride out the storm!! lol

So! Am I?

Can't be arsed to read the entire thread but you may be a bit unreasonable, perhaps.

It sounds like innocent flirting and if he is flirty by nature, I wouldn't be worried.
BUT she does sound like she's loving it, which would piss me off. It's almost as if she's happy she has him in this little exclusive club of hers, them and you on the outside. If that's the case then she is pathetic. Don't waste your energy thinking about her.
If one of my male friends told me that his DP was feeling jealous of our FB convos, then I'd back off coz I wouldn't want to cause any problems in their relationship. FB chat really doesn't matter that much, it's all fairly banal crap so I wouldn't risk hurting anyone, whether I'd met them or not, just to send some xxx's and LOL's.
Not entirely sure what they're LOLing at, neither side of their convo's are the height of wit. Show him that too!

It's inappropriate and cringe making (how old are they, 16? ffs).

I'm not known for jealous rages, but I'd be furious..

She's a cow, subtley trying to undermine you. I'd be mightily fucked off.

It's really really REALLY flirty.

Way over the top. I am a terrible flirt and I would never go this far.

Does her husband approve? I'd be inclined to find out if he is on fb and have a little word,harmless flirting or not.I find it strange that she has latched your husband through mutual friends-why?

Ban facebook with your anti virus. That is not on.

Do you see how these women manipulate these stupid arse men? The cheek of her saying that you are jealous etc. She is manipulating him flat out. He's a dumbass.

The tone of their conversation is extremely disrespectful and hurtful. Any partner/wife would feel hurt by their behaviour.

Add her to your face book and then tell her to Feck off

See I would hate that conversation, not even because of the flirting (which it is, with a married man) but because of the "us" versus "her" tone.

It would really really hurt me if my DH spoke like that to anyone, male or female, about me. If he wants to moan about me, fair enough, but not with this light hearted "lol" teenage type attitude. Surely you are worth more than that to him?

Is he quite immature?

She is in the wrong too but I think your DH is the one who has to answer for the tone. He has been very disrespectful to you, she almost stands up for you at one point.

I have been with dp for over 7 years now. About 6 months ago he started up a "relationship" with a woman online. This relationship only consisted of chatting but somehow it really really got to me.
Me and dp met online! I have never ever been the type to get jealous or possesive. But this one woman really got to me. She was too intimate too fast and really didnt seem to want to know me or ask afetr me etc.
I bottled it up for a while but finally had to say something to dp. Whether there was or wasn't something happening or going to happen that was the was the way I felt.
He listened while I told him how I felt and also I turned the tables and asked him how he would feel if I was talking to a man online in the intimate way they were talking. He had to admit that he wouldn't have liked it.
My point is that I was the priority, my happiness and our relationship was what mattered to him and he stopped all contact with her (bizzarly we are now all friend in RL)
If he does not respect your feeling whether they have validity or not then I'm not sure there is much of a basis there,

Not read all of this, but you say that she is a friend of a friend? I would find out her number or adress, go round there and tell her that if she contacts your DP again, you will kill her - OK, maybe not that strong but that you are seriously unimpressed and she needs to back the fuck off - then i would tell your DP the same and if he doesn't like it, draw him a map to the door, because right now, you are being used as a doormat.

read your opening post and nothing else deliberately....if my lover got intimate with anyone! no matter what medium I would never want to make love to him again ....but thats how i am its all me (in that area) or nothing ....tried to share,accept, fight, compete with before and it does'nt work for me .... good luck tho xx

A random girl was once too "intimate" like this with my now DH.

It really upset me.

He emailed her to say that her text message had upset me (off his own back) and she replied in a similar vein to this with a oh dear have I upset little wifey type approach and he basically replied to her with a copy to me (so that she could see that I had seen all her veiled nasty remarks about me).

He was polite with her but she clearly knew where she stood.

I dont dout for one second that it was innocent on his part, and she had only got married a few months earlier but I didnt like the us versus her tone of her email.

"doubt"!

Like Twinkle, have read opening post only.

I am telling you this: Nothing has happened yet, but there are testing each other out, and using you (how disgusting) as a ball to bat between them to see how far each other will go - how much they will admit to liking each other.

Like, "we're not doing anything wrong, are we?" Meaning - "you tell me? I might be persuaded..."

Someone has said it's not grounds for divorce...Well, maybe not, but if I caught my DH behaving like this with another woman I would take it as a serious indication of how little he thought of me and treasured our marriage. And the writing would be on the wall for me.

It can be intoxicating when someone flirst with you and you're in a marriage. There's nothing wrong with being flattered by it, but you have to know where to draw the line. He should have drawn the line in discussing you. By drawing you into their conversation and belittling you, he has given her status above you. She will instinctively understand what this means. Don't be surprised if she tries to build on this branch he has offered her.

I'm sorry for you. This is the shits. I am so on your behalf.

I would be furious. Why be a facebook friend with someone you don't know anyway? It's not as if you are stopping him from messaging an existing female friend. Apart from that, I wouldn't like the tone of the conversation - from either party.

The lol's are v annoying also.

Sycamoretree has nailed it on the head.

How are things with you Zephyrcat? Hope you have managed to sort this out with your hb.

this is why FB and other social networking sites really are bad news. I don't use FB atall, and I'm really glad I don't. People get to know a bit TOO much about you and your life. Friends or not.

YANBU.

My mum and dad went through something like this and, although it started innocently, it soon escalated into something more sinister. My mum threatened to leave in the end, and they had some counselling and that sorted it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It would seriosly PISS me off, and you are NOT being unreasonable. How DARE they start bitching about you like that?

I hope you manage to sort it out.

Although I've not read all the thread I would like to come in with a warning

My dsis had a similar situation to this not even a family friends just a random woman on the internet with her dh, dsis said she was uncomfortable at the closeness etc her dh said it was nothing just a bit of fun.

He left last june for the witch off the internet saying he no longer could talk to dsis......

we found out he had been emailing and texting from oput parents computer whilst staying there, and the witch had been encouraging him to leave dsis and their children ( 4, 2 and 1)

So although it may be nothing, personally I would want him to put you first at this point and not talk anymore if that upsets him maybe you need to talk about why?

YANBU at all. I think he needs to show some respect for you and stop flirting with her. Discussing you like that is extremely disrespectful.

(And all that 'lol' stuff makes me want to throw up!)

I hope you are okay.

Hi everyone, sorry for taking so long to come back.

Well, I showed him this thread, which he read most of, and then said that from reading all your comments he understood why I was so angry. He deleted her - reluctantly - to which I told him that I wanted him to be deleting her because he understands why I asked him to, not because I was just kicking off. He said he understood. He still doesn't get it though, he can't see the harm in it. He did say that the conversation I posted was out of order of him and they'd never spoken like that before.

I am tempted to send her this thread. She will assume that it's me who has deleted her and that she's come out on higher ground. (still!)

Dont do anything now, just leave it, let her get the message, and if she tries to contact him again. let him deal with it. The embarrasment she will feel when he says why he did it will stop her from trying to again, (you would hope), trust in him for now and see what happens.

Plus you dont want him to feel embarrassed. Well done to your dh he is obviously more astute than most blokes they dont usually see the slyness of us women when we are making our moves. :0