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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and facebook. Again.

181 replies

zephyrcat · 29/10/2008 20:29

AIBU? Possibly.

We had all this once before. DP being a bit over friendly with women he doesn't know adding him on FB. Nothing untoward, just typical ego boosting crap for a middle age man!!

Anyhow, there is a woman who added him because she knows friends of ours. She didn't add me though (hadn't thought of that til now!) She bombarded him with hugs and kisses and best friends crap from various applications. Their chats are just friendly but very 'babe' 'hun' 'xxxxx' and dp doesn't type like that whatsoever until it's her.
I'm a little peeved as his partner and the mother of our children to say the least!

I kicked off a little tonight and asked him to leave his FB page on if he had nothing to hide (he's out tonight) and he did - very reluctantly. This is the conversation they had tonight: (it's her b'day today)

4:13pmMartin
life begins today !!!!!! lol how you doing!!

4:13pmClaire
dying! lol

4:13pmMartin
lol

4:14pmClaire
just about to go into pool! wanna join me? haha

i see u beat me to it! haha

4:16pmMartin
early bird and all that!!!!!! lol

4:16pmClaire
are u calling me a worm????? lol

4:17pmMartin
why you want to be caugh??

4:20pmClaire
haha!!! depends whos doing the catching!!!! lol xx

4:26pmClaire
i didnt beat u yet! lol

4:34pmMartin
i think you might now!!!! lol

4:35pmClaire
i doubt it! lol. be there in a minute! xx

4:38pmMartin
hev's still not happy with us!! she thinks we'er over friendly for just knowing each other on FB???!!

4:40pmClaire
oh i'm sorry martin. i dunno wot to say. its not like we're doing or saying anything wrong! i think she has a serious jealousy problem and its way out of hand. we're not doing anything wrong!!!!!

4:42pmClaire
hope that doesnt offend u....wot i said about hev.

i just have trouble ubderstanding her problem with me. thats all

4:44pmMartin
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HER ???

4:44pmClaire
dont shout at me!!! lol

i'm on ur side! haha

sorry its causing u problems tho xx

4:45pmMartin
but i'm a bloke and understanding woman isn't my best subject!!! lol

4:46pmClaire
we are very difficult to work out.....i'll give u that! but then again, so r some men! lol

4:49pmMartin
i don't know what to do?? it's all a little OTT i think, but it's all just harmless fun me and you, she thinks there is more to it? ithink??!!

4:52pmClaire
well obviously ...she keeps deleting me! has she got ur password?

have u tried telling her theres nothing going on?

4:54pmMartin
yes, but that not worked very well!!!! lol

4:57pmClaire
oh dear! trouble is, once us women get something stuck in our heads, its hard to shift it! wot do u want to do? i darent add u again if she deletes me. u'll have to add me. but if u wanna leave it, i'll understand xx

5:08pmMartin
i've changed my password!! so we will have to ride out the storm!! lol

So! Am I?

OP posts:
Heated · 29/10/2008 20:57

Is there some sort of 'how to be emotionally unfaithful handbook' out there? They're a facebooking cliche.

rbrand · 29/10/2008 20:58

Flirty banter fine, but what I found concerning is her saying "the wife has jealousy issues!"

..after inviting him in the pool.

Dttoydto · 29/10/2008 21:02

Zephyrcat - why would knowing she is in Devon make you not want to go back to Devon again? It's a big county and that seems like a total overeaction to me.

Seems there are massive trust issues here - setting a honey trap is also not entirely usual behaviour.

If you dp feels like he can't have daft, chatty, flirty facebook conversations without you crossing off counties you can visit and setting traps, he's going to feel it's necessary to change passwords etc. To him, that's not necessarily a way of deceiving you, it's a way of being able to be that silly side of himself that you're getting wound up about.

I'm not trying to get at you, but just trying to point out another way of looking at it - has he ever done anything in the past that would mean you can't trust him? Had an affair, spent tons of money, etc.?

zippitippitoes · 29/10/2008 21:06

i think when yoiu are doing these things yourself it seems fine and dandy

but when it is someone else doing it it does seem a bit off

so i can see why you are upset

and also why he thinks it is ok because he knows it is just casual talk

Original poster
zephyrcat · 29/10/2008 21:07

I didn't mean not go to the whole of Devon again - sorry I was thinking away in my mind and not typing out the full thing! We have often been to Devon to see our friends. She is our friend's best friend, so going there would undoubtedly mean coming across this woman at some point.

There aren't so many trust issues as such, just him with women on FB that he doesn't know. I just find it very strange. I certainly wouldn't go adding men that I don't know and start flirting with them - esp knowing they had a family!

Maybe I'm just old fashioned.

OP posts:
Ronaldinhio · 29/10/2008 21:09

bloody hell you are not being unreasonable

sorry

also why did she use lol so much

sounded like she was grooming him...

Original poster
zephyrcat · 29/10/2008 21:09

Also, this has been going on with them for ages and I've just made the odd sarcastic comment about it but generally ignored it. It was just the conversation they had tonight that has really p*ed me off!

OP posts:
dittany · 29/10/2008 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Salleroo · 29/10/2008 21:10

It's completely juvenile. What's the getting in the pool crap and all the LOL. What a jolly twosome they were. It read as pathetic really. But have him put himself in your shoes and see how he would feel about you flirting with a complete stranger on line and bitching about you. Of course its not a divorce him issue, but it definately needs nipping in the bud. Facebook is a load of bollo* with people befriending anyone they can just to up their numbers.

Dttoydto · 29/10/2008 21:11

zephyrcat - just looked at your profile and your family photos are gorgeous!

It's easy for me to say, but try not to let this turn into a huge deal. You trust your dp - he's never done any more than flirt/chat on facebook. Maybe he needs that outlet and yes it's hurtful/hard to understand that you can't provide that (whatever it is) for him, but none of us can be everything to our other halfs.

God I'm sounding like some bonkers person now so will go. I suppose I have empathy because I'm the flirty/chatty one in our relationship - but dp just rolls her eyes and knows I love her more than anyone in the world and after 16 years together we're still rock solid.

wessexghoul · 29/10/2008 21:14

What on earth is she getting out of this pathetic adolescent wittering? Or he?

I don't understand this kind of thing at all.

Original poster
zephyrcat · 29/10/2008 21:14

Thanks

He is flirty and always has been, no problem. Our friends in Devon are the same and we can all have a laugh about things like this between each other.

It's purely the fact that she doesn't know him and feels the need to be all over him for want of a better phrase!

OP posts:
ShyBaby · 29/10/2008 21:16

Facebook is a strange place. I joined about a month ago and I really still dont get it. I have had conversations with a man I know on there, we're not close but have known each other for about 10 years.

He's married now but he still tends to call me hun and puts kisses on his posts...tbh I never took any notice, he's always done that and there's never been anything else to it. (We actually met as he was my ex's friend and kept in contact over the years, bumped into each other when out etc). I knew him way before he was married...and if his wife suddenly deleted me i'd probably think "eh?".

I dont have many friends on there, but my friends have loads and most of them are people they hardly know and probably would never have missed. I'd be inclined to not read too much into it probably.

zippitippitoes · 29/10/2008 21:16

i dont know about the pathetic wittering bit..it sounds very similatr to the sort of drivel we do on mn a lot of the time

maybe he needs to join mn

misselizabethbennet · 29/10/2008 21:18

zephyrcat - if this was my DH I wouldn't like it.

My DH once started up some text chat with a woman he knew from football matches. It was much less flirtatious than the convo you posted, but the fact he was texting and calling her a couple of times a week and it was all a secret was too much for me.

FWIW I don't think your DH is necessarily thinking about being unfaithful, and this could be perfectly normal for him. I also think that setting honey traps might be a bit OTT, but if you're not happy about something he should take your feelings into account.

Oh, and all that lol fuckwittery is so juvenile - that would piss me off more than anything!

wessexghoul · 29/10/2008 21:21

Zippi, no way do we use that many exclamation marks and kisses!!!!!!!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I mean, it reminds me of notes passed between desks during double Maths.

lou33 · 29/10/2008 21:22

flirting is one thing, but changing passwords is more concerning

zippitippitoes · 29/10/2008 21:25

i agree i would be peeved but i have a jealous nature

it is using the chat thing like msn isnt it im afraid i lol all the time

but i have never chatted via facebook

wehaveallbeenthere · 29/10/2008 21:25

How good of a friend (the mutual one) to you and he? Can you confide in her/him or are they going to join in with this mystery "best friend" and it be everyone calling you the jealous wife?
I think that is very catty of her to start this shit with your husband. Doesn't she have anyone (single) that she can flirt with? Maybe she feels she isn't so together that she could have a relationship above some ficticious flirty non-relationsip on FB.
Your DH may be going through some ego stroking himself but what's her story???
She clearly doesn't know boundaries and for them to "change passwords" really puts you on outside of this "platonic" xxx000 fest now doesn't it?
You should just tell him you are going to do the same. You have an ego too and clearly he (and she) aren't interested in stroking it. No harm right? What's good for the goose...

wehaveallbeenthere · 29/10/2008 21:27

BTW are you sure they haven't already met as this has been going on for some time? I bet they have.

macdoodle · 29/10/2008 21:27

FUCK....ING BITCH
Come on she is clearly playing the your wife is the jealous mad psycho but I am so wonderful fun and understanding - WHY is he discussing you with some stranger on FB HUHHUHUH !!!!!
My H affair started with him discussing OUR problems with some bint in his shop - maybe if they discussed their problems with us we wouldnt be mad jealous psycho cows

lou33 · 29/10/2008 21:29

tbh i am amazed the chat facility on fb lasted that long, i think it is shit, always cutting off

MmeTussaudsChmberOfChocHobnobs · 29/10/2008 21:31

Tbh, it does look like a friendly flirty conversation. I would not be too thrilled if DH had a FB conversation like that, but I don't think it is grounds for divorce.

What I don't understand is why he is staying in touch with her when he knows that it upsets you. If it were an old friend, but she is a reasonably new aquaintance so it makes no sense for him to carry on (unless he is doing it to prove that he is not henpecked, male pride and all that)

Facebook is shite sometimes. It should be abolished.

gallusbesom · 29/10/2008 21:32

if you have access to his FB don't delete her or his profile - change his password and don't tell him. He's probably getting a huge ego boost over it but the secrecy would piss me off no end

MmeTussaudsChmberOfChocHobnobs · 29/10/2008 21:33

Does he still flirt with you, ZC?

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