DP and facebook. Again.

[zephyrcat]

AIBU? Possibly.

We had all this once before. DP being a bit over friendly with women he doesn't know adding him on FB. Nothing untoward, just typical ego boosting crap for a middle age man!!

Anyhow, there is a woman who added him because she knows friends of ours. She didn't add me though (hadn't thought of that til now!) She bombarded him with hugs and kisses and best friends crap from various applications. Their chats are just friendly but very 'babe' 'hun' 'xxxxx' and dp doesn't type like that whatsoever until it's her.
I'm a little peeved as his partner and the mother of our children to say the least!

I kicked off a little tonight and asked him to leave his FB page on if he had nothing to hide (he's out tonight) and he did - very reluctantly. This is the conversation they had tonight: (it's her b'day today)

4:13pmMartin
life begins today !!!!!! lol how you doing!!

4:13pmClaire
dying! lol

4:13pmMartin
lol

4:14pmClaire
just about to go into pool! wanna join me? haha

i see u beat me to it! haha

4:16pmMartin
early bird and all that!!!!!! lol

4:16pmClaire
are u calling me a worm????? lol

4:17pmMartin
why you want to be caugh??

4:20pmClaire
haha!!! depends whos doing the catching!!!! lol xx

4:26pmClaire
i didnt beat u yet! lol

4:34pmMartin
i think you might now!!!! lol

4:35pmClaire
i doubt it! lol. be there in a minute! xx

4:38pmMartin
hev's still not happy with us!! she thinks we'er over friendly for just knowing each other on FB???!!

4:40pmClaire
oh i'm sorry martin. i dunno wot to say. its not like we're doing or saying anything wrong! i think she has a serious jealousy problem and its way out of hand. we're not doing anything wrong!!!!!

4:42pmClaire
hope that doesnt offend u....wot i said about hev.

i just have trouble ubderstanding her problem with me. thats all

4:44pmMartin
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HER ???

4:44pmClaire
dont shout at me!!! lol

i'm on ur side! haha

sorry its causing u problems tho xx

4:45pmMartin
but i'm a bloke and understanding woman isn't my best subject!!! lol

4:46pmClaire
we are very difficult to work out.....i'll give u that! but then again, so r some men! lol

4:49pmMartin
i don't know what to do?? it's all a little OTT i think, but it's all just harmless fun me and you, she thinks there is more to it? ithink??!!

4:52pmClaire
well obviously ...she keeps deleting me! has she got ur password?

have u tried telling her theres nothing going on?

4:54pmMartin
yes, but that not worked very well!!!! lol

4:57pmClaire
oh dear! trouble is, once us women get something stuck in our heads, its hard to shift it! wot do u want to do? i darent add u again if she deletes me. u'll have to add me. but if u wanna leave it, i'll understand xx

5:08pmMartin
i've changed my password!! so we will have to ride out the storm!! lol

So! Am I?

zephyrcat I read your initial post with a kinda sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. The whole thing must be very upsetting for you.

I agree with BBBeeast make friends with her. My ex was very flirty and if i ever felt uncomfortable with his behaviour I got to know the person in question...

It was very difficult for him to then pull the 'my wife's a jealous cow' as they knew me personally by then and realised I was a nice person who loved her husband and he was just full of s* sometimes!

You know what they say... 'better the devil you know'. It's also very hard for the other flirtee to do anything that they think will upset you when they like you aswell

BTW my ex DH's flirty behaviour with work colleagues was not connected with our eventual break-up... he actually had an internet affair with someone in the USA and left me for her... luckily we had no kids. In 1998 I found a great man who i've been happily married to since 2002, we have 1 DS and another on the way. He's friendly/chatty to people but I never feel he steps over the mark.

They definately haven't met. Our mutual friends told me that she was new to FB and she only added him because he was friends to both of them (as am I!)

I did ask the mutual friends about this when it first started and they said it was just banter, so I left it. I mean I can't do much about it.

The honeytrap thing was nothing OTT, just when he started up on FB he was adding random women and chatting which I was a little bemused about so Lou added him just to see what he was chatting about about. Turned out to be something and nothing so again, I left it alone.

He has other female friends on his account, including at one point his ex who was the great love of his life and that was never an issue. I'm not an overly jealous person, I just have an immediate instinct about this one and so far I've never been wrong on instinct!

You can't actually delete a FB profile yourself - you can only deactivate it. Deletion is not really the answer. You can report someone and get a profile reported but that's also pretty drastic. Nothing to stop them from setting up a new account.

You need to talk to your DH and set some boundaries which you're both comfy with which he can't go beyond (or you as well - takes two). If he continues to push past them then maybe you need to look at what you want from your relationship and what you can both bring to it.

I am sympathetic don't get me wrong - I have been on the wrong end of friendships that go on and get in the way of RL stuff. My ex continued texting an old flame after we began to date even after I'd asked him to stop and when I found out he'd stayed in touch, it destroyed us even though it was fairly harmless stuff. It was the secrecy and justifications for it that really did for it.

I'm not too keen on MSN either. The website not the email services. Today they have a "rules to keep him if he cheats and to send him packing" article.
If he does it once. If he confesses...If he was drunk like giving him a free get out of jail free card to go and cheat. It pretty much states that even the perfect man will cheat.
Can't men think for themselves, can't they put themselves in their wives place (or anyone else for that matter) and still your friends best friend certainly isn't being a friend to you.
If she doesn't know him then she doesn't know you so why is she making herself out to be such an ass? She comes off as clingy, needy and just plain sorry.
Sorry but that is how I read it ZC.

I agree with Dittany completely on two points. OP's partner has respect issues. Their frisson (?) is based entirely on upsetting the OP!

Message withdrawn

how dare he ! he is undermining you to another woman - one that he doesn't even know. Its absolutey unnacceptable. He is degrading you, Thats not loyalty, furthermore its immature.

Why wouldn't you feel jealous? he is talking about you unfavoiurably to another woman.

FB is for kids. You know that don't you!

yanbu thats grounds for threathening divorce or some ultimatum, preferably her or me type thing. if nothing is going on and she is just a casual friend, he should not have a problem not talking to her or sending her messages.

I think if you keep going into his account and deleting her etc all you're going to do is make youself look neurotic. I dont say that to be an arse to you at all, but if she is after him its only going to give her ammunition "oh poor you, your wife humiliating you like this" [stroking male ego emoticon] etc etc...well im sure you get the picture.

If you are really concerned then you need to have a long talk with him.

Flirting or not - it's just plain rude of her to talk about you like that and for your OH to encourage her to do so.

Also - maybe you need to sit him down and ask ihim to discuss with you how he feels about your 'jealousy issues' and what they are based upon. If he is serious about you and wants to continue this relationship it is you he should be talking to about your problems, not her.

I agree with that shybaby, and I had no intention of sending her a message, but after I read their conversation the red mist appeared!!

What do I do? He seems intent on keeping her as a 'friend'. Neither of them see it as wrong and I'm ending up looking like the bad one for asking them to stop.

add her as a friend and see if she accepts

So she has never even met him, doesn't know him apart from the fact that they have friends in common?

I agree that changing his password so that you can't see his private conversations with her is taking it too far! I would be tempted to change his password again now while you have access to his account so that he can't get into it himself, ha,ha!

He is being unfair to you by putting his "friendship" with her (friendship? he doesn't actually know her does he!) before your relationship. Point out to him that your concerns stem from the fact that she added him as a friend and ignored you and then after sending each other flirty messages he changed his password so that you can't see the conversations between them. If it's so innocent then why create a situation that will make you more suspicious?

As for this woman, does her husband/partner know about this little friendship and if so how does he feel about it? Is he on facebook too? Maybe you should friend request him and have a little chat!

I would just explain to him exactly as you have on here - that you find it strange that he is having such long chats with someone he doesn't know and especially that he is belittling you in those chats. That you do trust him and it's not about you thinking there is anything going on but that you don't like the secrecy or the disrespect to you. Say it all calmly and don't whatever you do rant or shout and see what he says.

That's right Beanie!

Completely unacceptable behaviour. You are absolutely right to not be happy with this and it is not jealousy, you have every right to expect him not to be that friendly with another woman. The way he spoke about you to her is bang out of order and I would say it is emotionally cheating because no matter what you should always come first and if someone else slags you off he should jump to your defence not agree with them.

Tough call zephyrcat..the "she has a serious jealousy problem" would have pissed me off no end...

Facebook is an arse of a site, I try not to get sucked in by it though..it's so far removed from reality. I would just talk to him probably.

Just a quick thank you to everyone before I head off to bed before he gets in! I think it's best to leave this until the morning and then show him this thread.

post this link on HER wall!

i have had recent FB DH/strange women problems! he seems to think it is ok to discuss our personal business with random women he has 'bought' on an application called 'owned' i dont like the idea that he wants to 'buy' random women but far be it from me to argue about something so trivial. i DO however have a problem with him telling some woman he had added about our daughter and sending her a pic, he also told her about my most recent MC which i thought seriously overstepped the mark!! i know nothing would ever happen but it just bothers me that he has barely mentioned the MC's to me but will discuss it openly with a woman he doesnt even know!! this seriously peed me off and it has become a bit of a trust issue as i am now paranoid he is telling strangers our secrets and who knows who he is actually talking to!!
so IMO YANBU nip it in the bud and make your feelings clear!! if he is prepared to put the feelings of a stranger ahead of yours then it may be time to reassess your relationship
xx ei xx

ZC- its not a nice thing to read for you, i've read some of dps messages from before we even met that where flirty and i got a sinking feeling. I think your DH should delete her, there is no need for him to be messaging her or her messaging him. If he knows that it bothers you he shouldn't be doing it.

actually, the comment that you have a serious jealousy problem and she doesn't understand your problem with her realy pi**ed me off on your behalf, tell her to go talk to her own husband!

ThI could maybe understand him discussing stuff with a really good old female friend, but someone he doesn't even know!

I'd block her, cheeky mare, block her and then if he unblocks her kick off.
You don't have a jealously problem I'd be up the wall having read that personally and chucking the computer out of the window.