DP and facebook. Again.

[zephyrcat]

AIBU? Possibly.

We had all this once before. DP being a bit over friendly with women he doesn't know adding him on FB. Nothing untoward, just typical ego boosting crap for a middle age man!!

Anyhow, there is a woman who added him because she knows friends of ours. She didn't add me though (hadn't thought of that til now!) She bombarded him with hugs and kisses and best friends crap from various applications. Their chats are just friendly but very 'babe' 'hun' 'xxxxx' and dp doesn't type like that whatsoever until it's her.
I'm a little peeved as his partner and the mother of our children to say the least!

I kicked off a little tonight and asked him to leave his FB page on if he had nothing to hide (he's out tonight) and he did - very reluctantly. This is the conversation they had tonight: (it's her b'day today)

4:13pmMartin
life begins today !!!!!! lol how you doing!!

4:13pmClaire
dying! lol

4:13pmMartin
lol

4:14pmClaire
just about to go into pool! wanna join me? haha

i see u beat me to it! haha

4:16pmMartin
early bird and all that!!!!!! lol

4:16pmClaire
are u calling me a worm????? lol

4:17pmMartin
why you want to be caugh??

4:20pmClaire
haha!!! depends whos doing the catching!!!! lol xx

4:26pmClaire
i didnt beat u yet! lol

4:34pmMartin
i think you might now!!!! lol

4:35pmClaire
i doubt it! lol. be there in a minute! xx

4:38pmMartin
hev's still not happy with us!! she thinks we'er over friendly for just knowing each other on FB???!!

4:40pmClaire
oh i'm sorry martin. i dunno wot to say. its not like we're doing or saying anything wrong! i think she has a serious jealousy problem and its way out of hand. we're not doing anything wrong!!!!!

4:42pmClaire
hope that doesnt offend u....wot i said about hev.

i just have trouble ubderstanding her problem with me. thats all

4:44pmMartin
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HER ???

4:44pmClaire
dont shout at me!!! lol

i'm on ur side! haha

sorry its causing u problems tho xx

4:45pmMartin
but i'm a bloke and understanding woman isn't my best subject!!! lol

4:46pmClaire
we are very difficult to work out.....i'll give u that! but then again, so r some men! lol

4:49pmMartin
i don't know what to do?? it's all a little OTT i think, but it's all just harmless fun me and you, she thinks there is more to it? ithink??!!

4:52pmClaire
well obviously ...she keeps deleting me! has she got ur password?

have u tried telling her theres nothing going on?

4:54pmMartin
yes, but that not worked very well!!!! lol

4:57pmClaire
oh dear! trouble is, once us women get something stuck in our heads, its hard to shift it! wot do u want to do? i darent add u again if she deletes me. u'll have to add me. but if u wanna leave it, i'll understand xx

5:08pmMartin
i've changed my password!! so we will have to ride out the storm!! lol

So! Am I?

lol chunky, Im with you

(Hi lou - it's me again!!) Last time this happened I set up a 'honeytrap' on FB and nothing really happened - just the male ego thing really. I sent her a message to ask who the hell she was to assume what I am or aren't (the jealous comment) and the reply was she has a partner of 14 years and an 11 year old son. She chats to everyone like that (which our friends did also say) BUT I'm still fuming!!

I don't mind if dh moans about me to a friend. But this is someone he barely knows.

YANBU

at all. Bastarding men

MP yes, but all this "Jealousy problem" and deleting. If nothing is going on, why would they be acting like that, it all seems like that sketch show when that woman is all high powered businesswoman and then a man comes in and she swoons and talks in a girly voice.

She reminds me of someone in rl.

She is after your fella, she will be the happy go lucky girl, Im funny fabulous and not at all jealous, look at me Im great girl. But make sure he knows this, if this was her dh she wouldnt have it.

Fb is a seriously dangerous thing imo, very easy to hsve silly relationships that can turn into serious marraige breaking ones.

He knows its not great but thinks it makes him feel better so not too bad, but hes wrong, and she knows it and loves it.

Tell him he has to do the right thing, even if he doesnt get his own way, and by the by if she speaking about you like that he should be letting her know its not on.

I know this woman and loads like her, she looking for a kick and hes it, but just let him know he wont be the only one shes calling hun!

YANBU. I would be completely cheesed off and understandably suspicious. Sorry to sound cynical but all this nicey nicey chatting can lead to other things. Its the same old same old - husband talks to female friend about marital "problems", he finds he can talk to friend a lot better than "wife" then it all goes from there. "I never intended it to happen, we just talked a lot, understood each other....blah blah."

Whats all the stuff about 'catching the worm' that sounds to me like that are flirting a fair bit and would it take a lot for it to go further? What's next? Secret rendezvous. Its out of order and I would kick this into touch before it has a chance to be anything other than internet chatting.

I agree with MorningPaper. So nobody here has ever moaned about their DH to someone else?

Also this really doesn't sound terribly flirty to me. Certainly don't think an affair is brewing.

Not that I would be delighted to read this convo if it was my DH -- but then it was meant to be a private conversation and the OP did insist on reading it.

FWIW I think I'm a bit of a flirty/chatty hussy, but I don't make a habit of creating situations where it's me and another man rubbishing my partner and having 'just a two of us' pathetic pact.

So he's out and you have access to his facebook? Delete his facebook and tell him if he ever does anything like that again you'l.... whatever you're prepared to do.

Her calling you jealous is a tactic to drive him towards her by the way.

friend her - go on go on - facebook friend her and be all breezy and inroduce yourself as dh's dw and how are thigns going - like ultra friendly there is nothing going on.

fucking facebook

its the devils work

Nah, I wouldn't have any of it. He may be innocently flirting, but she definitely sounds like a bitter cow who is intent on shit stirring. Don't take this crap!

Yes its one thing having a rant about your dh to a close and trusted friend.

Another to be colluding with a flirt buddy like this and belittling you for feeling uncomfortable about it.

I think you are most likely to be able to get him to understand though by not losing your rag and deleting her but by calmly explaining how belittled and disrespected you feel by the fact that he is choosing his relationship (and I don't mean I think there is anything going on by the way) with this woman over the feelings of you, his wife.

He might think you are being silly and getting upset about nothing but she is not even a friend ffs - yet he is choosing her feelings over yours!

Bbbeast - that's not a bad idea. Take the heat out of it (as in the heat you're feeling about it).

Honestly, I don't think this is as huge a deal as everyone's making it out to be (except MP).

hi zephyr

i think the worst thing is the changing password thing

i would ask the woman why she found it amusing that this kind of thing upset you , and seemed to be encouraging the old "my wife doesnt understand me" crap

btw you can email me at any time if you need another chat

Yes, good idea BBBeast.

I sent her a message to ask who the hell she was to assume what I am or aren't (the jealous comment) and the reply was she has a partner of 14 years and an 11 year old son. She chats to everyone like that (which our friends did also say)

Can I be honest? If you were my wife I would be extremely embarassed.

I don't see them giggling about "the wife being jealous" at all - they sound uncomfortable about it and he sounds miserable. She actually sounds rather sympathetic to me: "trouble is, once us women get something stuck in our heads, its hard to shift it!"

I'm leaving this thread because I really think you are all whipping yourselves into some sort of dim and irrational man-hating frenzy.

OP: I don't see anything wrong with the conversation. She sounds A Little Bit Thick But Basically Nice, and your husband sounds miserable. How anyone can read all the things I am seeing on this thread into that conversation is astounding. Perhaps you should all work for MI5?

blimey, too many "things", i didnt read it back, sorry.

Yes, I was just about to post to say I'm leaving this thread. There are situations women talk about on MN where it's justifed to say leave him/string him up etc. This soooo isn't one of them....

There isn't anything else going on - there's no affair or anything. She is in Devon and we're in Southampton. It has, however, made me not want to go back to Devon again! I can totally understand people having silly chats or flirting - we send silly applications to friends and vice versa but what annoys me is they don't even know each other, and think it's funny. Our eldest is almost 7 and I don't like to think how she'd feel if she saw this woman sending her Dad all this crap (the pc is in the lounge)

lol @ MI5

I take it there are trust issues in the relationship prior to this?

morngingpaper - it isn't what they are talking about - I totally agree that it sounds like nothing more than flirty banter.

Its the fact that her dp would rather change passwords / keep this friendship going that care about how his wife feels. That is what is out of order

Ditto and MP - I can totally see your opint of view which is why I posted this in AIBU and not relationships. It's not about to split us up but it has made me bloody angry!