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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To detest other mums who only want a friendship based around the kids?

131 replies

needsomeonetotalkto · 26/10/2008 17:31

I'm talking about mums who only want to meet in the week when their DH are at work so that they have something to do with their kids. They don't want to meet at the weekends or god forbid without their srogs as that when they see their real friends.

OP posts:
PortofinoPumpkin · 26/10/2008 17:34

I can see you point, but maybe this is an opportunity to meet people who could potentially become "real friends" in the future.

lulumama · 26/10/2008 17:36

i think you are being a bit harsh

what is wrong with seeing people during hte week? of course family time takes preference at the wekends

not everyone you meet will be your best friend who you want to see all the time anyway

Original poster
needsomeonetotalkto · 26/10/2008 17:38

Yes, I know what you mean but I have experienced 'friendships' in the past where the othermother makes it fairly clear that this is all they want. Although having said that, I wanted to 'see how it went' at the start and did'nt try and take the relationships in another direction until much further down the line.

For example, I was friendly with a mum - we went up regulary during the week and she sadi to me one day that she had her own life at the weekend.

OP posts:
WingsofaBatEyeofNewt · 26/10/2008 17:38

I don't want to meet at weekends but I still have real friends. Maybe that because my friends have a dh or dp and they want to spend weekends together.

Rubyrubyruby · 26/10/2008 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Liffey · 26/10/2008 17:40

I've only ever be friendly (to the point of suggesting coffee or a meetup of some description) when I like the mothers though. I hardly notice their children. They have them. Right grand. But I only want to be friends with the mums I like.

I think I'm quite typical in that.

Original poster
needsomeonetotalkto · 26/10/2008 17:40

lulumama

There is nothong AT ALL wrong with seeing people during the week - I love it but I don't want friendships based soley around the kids - if that makes sense. I, totally want to be with my family at the weekend but i also want to meet up with other families.

OP posts:
snickersnack · 26/10/2008 17:41

I think that's a bit unreasonable. We have lots of family, and friends who pre-date children. We see them at the weekend as a family. I see my friends who have become my friends because they have children the same age as mine during the week (or the day I don't work, at least)...if I've never met their partner, why would I assume I'm going to get on with him, or that dh will?

That said, many of my child-focused friends have become "real friends" as you describe them. We all went on holiday with one set this year - we had fun.

Not sure it's something I'd get worked up about.

AuraofDora · 26/10/2008 17:41

is that really the case though?
I would be reluctant to meet other mums/kids at weekend as when dh was working, weekend was really the only time we saw him..

would've been happy to meet for a drink or something but usually fecking knackered by dc bedtime

dont let them get to you, have met allsorts during toddler groups, nursery etc
real bitchy gossipy cliques, the nind numbingly boring bores, certifiable weirdos, interesting people i clicked with always went back to work within a week or so of meeting them
...try not to let them wind you up, dont take it personally!

if it suits you to do it on these terms then continue if not, back off, as it aint worth the mindspace

hth

lulumama · 26/10/2008 17:41

if people are busy all week with work, groups, school runs, meeting friends, why should they not reserve some time at weekends to do nothing/ see other friends who work all week/ have family time

i thikn you are overthinking it

i ahve some friends i see only once or twice a year , does not make us any less of friends

cory · 26/10/2008 17:41

To me, friendships come in many shapes and guises. Some revolve around children, some around work, some around (other) shared interests, some around just clicking. Some are limited in time, others last forever. All good in their different ways.

policywonk · 26/10/2008 17:43

I've had this in the past, and to be honest I did feel a bit insulted when it became apparent that they only wanted me for my children . I don't detest them though - I just became too busy to see them

Original poster
needsomeonetotalkto · 26/10/2008 17:44

It is good to hear the different points of view.

Prehaps I feel the way I do because I have had my fingers burnt in the past.

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 26/10/2008 17:44

I seldom meet up with my weekday friends at the weekend because my DH and their DH probably don't have much in common, whereas we don't get much time for our mutual friends and family so that is what we do at the weekends. I can't think of a time when we have been invited to meet weekday friends at the weekend anyway, so obviously they feel the same way. It doesn't mean they are lesser friends though - I don't see my old friends 2 or 3 times a week but it doesn't devalue my friendship with them either.

As for time without the children - what is this time of which you speak?!

So I suppose YABU, or at least paranoid probably.

Original poster
needsomeonetotalkto · 26/10/2008 17:45

I hope I have'nt come across as wound up about this - because I'm not - I am just pondering.

OP posts:
nooOOOoonki · 26/10/2008 17:46

YANBU - I agree needs, I had to lose a few baby 'friends' when I reliased this.

Now got a good mix of friends without kids and those that do and see them on and off at w/e.

I hate when DH works w/e as he often does as it is hard to break into 'family time' of other people. And my single parent friend mum's often have their kids away at their dad's and understandably dont want kids with them.

Original poster
needsomeonetotalkto · 26/10/2008 17:48

theprovinciallady

I am not paranoid. As I 'said' before I had a 'friend' who made it clear that weekend meet ups were a no-no and empahized our kids relationship alot. When I was seriously ill it took her weeks to contact me - not what I would call a good friend?

OP posts:
watsthestory · 26/10/2008 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
needsomeonetotalkto · 26/10/2008 17:49

noooo

Phew - someone who sees what I mean!

OP posts:
Original poster
needsomeonetotalkto · 26/10/2008 17:50

watsthe story

Apologies - agree.

OP posts:
lulumama · 26/10/2008 17:53

cearly not a real friend then.. nothing to do with how often you saw her., think that is a red herring. she sounds Not Very Nice

OldLadyDay · 26/10/2008 17:55

YABU - it's best that they ate up front with oyu about being primerily commited to their families...though how else it could be or what level of commitment you expect in a new friendship I don't know.

It's all very unreasonable. Why should they put you before their loved ones? That type of expectation is even too much from a partner.

What was your illness?

Ronaldinhio · 26/10/2008 17:56

yanbu

i didn't make the most of nct as i thought that it was a really fake way of making friends as in RL, before children, I honestly wouldn't have been friends with any of them

Having met other nct groups through my longterm mates I think we were just an unusual group

But having children at the same time does not make a friendship and it isn't a friendship in mo if it is compartmentalised to only when "real" friends aren't available

cory · 26/10/2008 17:57

I wouldn't go out of my way to drop someone just because they (=their dc) were more interested in my dc than in me. I thought dc's friends were as important as mine and that it was a great advantage that they knew so many other children when they started school.

ChairmumMiaow · 26/10/2008 18:09

I do think YABU.

I have lots of mum-friends who aren't the sort that I'd phone up at the weekend to do stuff. We all admit that we go out and meet up in the week because its hard to entertain a baby all day, so we go to groups, and out for lunch and stuff. Its a way of staying sane. I guess they're mums I know, rather than friends, but I feel I still have important relationships with them. Nobody else quite understands the issues with babies like someone who's going through them, or has been through them recently.

I'm also quite close to my NCT group - a subset of us meet up every week, and we've managed 2 nights out with the girls, and 2 'whole family' sessions at a weekend. I am more friendly with them as a group, but we still generally keep our weekends separate. I personally want to spend most of my weekends with my family - seeing other friends is a rare 'treat' for us as none live locally and its very difficult logistically!