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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To detest other mums who only want a friendship based around the kids?

131 replies

needsomeonetotalkto · 26/10/2008 17:31

I'm talking about mums who only want to meet in the week when their DH are at work so that they have something to do with their kids. They don't want to meet at the weekends or god forbid without their srogs as that when they see their real friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
needsomeonetotalkto · 26/10/2008 18:10

I'm more than happy for my kids to have friends over when they reach school age and don't need a parent in tow! My youngest is at a nursery which is attached to the school he will attend so he has lots of buddies already!

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Troutpout · 26/10/2008 18:11

agree with cory

TheProvincialLady · 26/10/2008 18:12

Needs it took me a while to type my post so I only had your OP to go on. I agree that your so called friend sounds awful but she could have done that no matter how you knew her. I have been very let down by one of my oldest pre DS days and very supported by some of the people I only see during the week with our children.

Maybe you have a different expectation of these kinds of friendships than the people you are meeting through your kids? IMO there is nothing wrong with keeping things superficial and only to do with the children if that is how both parties feel (not how I feel at all BTW) but obviously if one person is looking for that kind of relationship whilst the other is after something different then there will be problems.

Original poster
needsomeonetotalkto · 26/10/2008 18:13

chairmum

I had a very similar set up when my DC were younger and at the time I was very happy with it. I think that I benefited from it as did my children but on the other hand looking back it stopped me making real friendships (to some degree).

IMHO the NCT has its place but it is easy to become too reliant on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
needsomeonetotalkto · 26/10/2008 18:16

PL

I agree. I have come to the point were I just don't want superficial relationships anymore. I just don't see the point.

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policywonk · 26/10/2008 18:17

I agree with TheProvincialLady - I think this is an issue caused by different people having different expectations.

I never spend voluntary social time with people I don't like, or wouldn't want to have a child-free drink with, so I found it completely disconcerting when I realised that I'd been 'set up' (as I saw it) by someone who just thought our kids were a good match. OTOH, someone who goes into one of these friendships-of-convenience with her eyes open wouldn't find it disconcerting at all.

Original poster
needsomeonetotalkto · 26/10/2008 18:18

BTW i have made lots of true friends (I think!) who I DO meet up with, without the kids and as a family at the weekend.

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TheProvincialLady · 26/10/2008 18:19

I am very much like you then...always have been. I am either friends with someone or not, I can't be doing with socialising with hundreds of people I don't care about and who don't care about me. But then I am happy with just a few friends.

Flum · 26/10/2008 18:20

\Yeah friendships have to develop to enter the weekend zone and also both the DHs need to get on.

Have your other halves met?

We have a few friends where we both get on really well with both of them. We have themover for dinner etc loads.

The Mums who I get on with or who my kids get on with really well I would probably only see during the week.

What is your DH like? Maybe it is him......

bigTillyMint · 26/10/2008 18:21

How old are your children? If they are little, you probably haven't known the mums for long.

It takes time to build good friendships - I now have some really good friends who I met when the DC were tiny, and we do stuff together in the evenings/weekends, etc. And the DC are all good chums too, but my kids are junior school aged now.

I remember one of my friends panicking when she hadn't made friends with any of the other school mums within the first two or three weeks. She has lots of friends that she does stuff with now!

Original poster
needsomeonetotalkto · 26/10/2008 18:23

PL

I could'nt have put it any better!

Flum

DH is lovley! He is the sort of person anybody would like and get on with.

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Original poster
needsomeonetotalkto · 26/10/2008 18:24

They are 4 and 7 but we moved to a new area - a few years ago.

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 26/10/2008 18:27

Do you fancy meeting up this weekend?

bigTillyMint · 26/10/2008 18:28

Is your LO at home still? Once they are at school you won't have to meet up with any mums during the day just for the children to have someone to play with!

I wouldn't bother wasting time on people who can't be bothered and are just using you. You are obviously too good for them!

Original poster
needsomeonetotalkto · 26/10/2008 18:30

PL

bigtillymint (loving the name)

DS is still at home P/T. Thank you, my feeling exactly.

OP posts:
cory · 26/10/2008 18:36

By Ronaldinhio on Sun 26-Oct-08 17:56:23
"i didn't make the most of nct as i thought that it was a really fake way of making friends as in RL, before children, I honestly wouldn't have been friends with any of them"

Aren't we all different? I thought this was part of the fun, that I ended up becoming friends with people whom I wouldn't otherwise have met or thought of as friends. And how is this different from making friends at work- have lots of colleagues whom I would not have made friends with if we had not had a shared interest in our work.

Also have friends that I only meet at the weekends because they are busy during the week- does that make them less real friends? Lots of families with older children are genuinely busy during week-ends, sometimes more so than during the week. And some mums with babies work week-ends to save on childcare. People have different schedules, I wouldn't have a problem.

Original poster
needsomeonetotalkto · 26/10/2008 18:39

Cory,

I have friends who do work weekends and therefore would'nt expect them to meet up then! But I don't want to be used, the realtionship (for me) should be about me as well as my kids. I don't want to be a stop gap.

OP posts:
Flum · 26/10/2008 18:46

Well in that case what I do if I think it woudl be nice to be better friends with people is invite them all over on a Friday night about 5pm we give the kids pizza then stick em infront of a DVD or let them trash their bedrooms then we drink Gin and Tonics and have a pizza about 7 or 8pm. They usually go about 9ish. This works really well as it combines kid and adult friendships and means you don't need a babysitter and you get to bed at a reasonable hour.

it is one of my favourite social occasions.

I have LOADS of lovely loose friendships and 3 or 4 closer friends. DH and I have 3 or 4 couples we do this with regularly and it is a fine balance between kids ages/ DHs getting on/DHs careers ie can they be around from 5 or 6 pm on a Friday.

This I guess bridges the gap from week to weekend.

cory · 26/10/2008 18:47

If I ever spent time with other Mums whom I might not have a great deal in common with because our kids were happy playing together- I didn't see that as my being used. Or at least, I was happy to be used for the good of dd and ds. As long as they weren't horrible people (and none of them were!) it didn't seem a great hardship to me. I like people.

And some of the most unpromising acquaintainces did end up becoming my own friends too.

And I have a good deal of understanding for families wanting to do things together at the weekends.

Original poster
needsomeonetotalkto · 26/10/2008 18:51

"And I have a good deal of understanding for families wanting to do things together at the weekends."

So do I! I am not talking about meeting up every weekend, in fact, in fact most of my weekends are spent soley with my family. Why can't you spend time with your LO and another family? In my situation where I don't have any family near and not alot at all - mfriends become family.

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shopaholicDIVA · 26/10/2008 18:55

i see some mums with children when dh is away,cause they are my friends, we meet once a week, i see sil once a forthnight, i see my meigbour once a week, all while dh is away or work.and my dc play with their dc. when dh is home i try to spend time with him.
i dont see this problem. i want my dc play and have time with their dad when his free, i think ynbu.
what do you and dh to at weekends? do you want other mums and dads be friends for real to know each other socialize as family.
i think you need real friends, if that why ask them for lunch or party etc as family, then it can be something you all do every so often. then you dont feel like you are someone who only see week days to entertain kids together.
i see you point, though

pointygravedogger · 26/10/2008 19:02

There are wildly differing opinions about friendships.

I am one of the people you detest. I never saw myself in this way, though, until you pointed it out.

I didn't mind meeting up with some women during the week with the children but I could not be doing with whole family weekend meet-ups. My dh would often refuse point blank. And some people have done the same with me.

Don;t most people have fairly fluid relationships with friends and acquaintances?

Why spend your energy detesting these people and feeling bitter?

pointygravedogger · 26/10/2008 19:05

'being used' is an extreme take on it

fruitstick · 26/10/2008 19:05

I don't think you can judge the value of friends by whether you see them at weekends or not. I agree that friends who just want you as a playdate for their child aren't great.

However I have lots of friends that I only see on my days off with our children. I would like to see them at weekends but everyone's lives are so busy we never get round to it. Also, my husband is a bit of a miserable git and likes to relax at the weekend rather than socialise with my friends. you hate being forced to hang with people because your children are friends but appear to want your husband to do this for you

I have a very good friend who is an incredibly straight talking German. My husband (for once) actually quite liked her husband so I tried several times to invite them for Sunday lunch. Eventually she just came out and said ' sorry, DH works really hard all week and likes to spend his weekends with DD and playing a bit of golf. He doesn't like to see people at weekends.' I couldn't argue! Now is she less of a friend to me because her husband doesn't want to play nicely with mine?

Original poster
needsomeonetotalkto · 26/10/2008 19:08

fruitstick

I can see where you are coming from, prehaps I need to re think my weekend/child free mindset. Although there was no need for the sarcasm.

And my DH is happy to have friend over at the weekend, he is not miserable. My DC have school and nursery to socilaise with their friends.

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