To detest other mums who only want a friendship based around the kids?

[needsomeonetotalkto]

I'm talking about mums who only want to meet in the week when their DH are at work so that they have something to do with their kids. They don't want to meet at the weekends or god forbid without their srogs as that when they see their real friends.

I work PT and am erratic at meeting up with ,well everybody. This is not meant to be offensive, but I know some people get very frustrated with my lack of organisation, reliability and availability (prob more organisation).

I have tried to balance everything better, and failed. I am friends with all sorts of people, like them for who they are, and have social meetings without children as well as with children, when I can, although erratically at times.

If I liked someone and they said they were busy at the weekends,TBH I don't think that matters, if you have something more than children in common, then a friendship may develop, relax, lay back and enjoy the company....when it is there, and manage it if its too much...

When I had DS I knew very few people, and worked hard to chat and meet people. Now I know lots to say hello to, meet up with etc.

Are you a single parent, by any chance? because it's easy to feel completely ditched by your married friends, and you forget that they actually love the father of their children.

I have had a lot of miserable weekends with two small kids and nobody to see - luckily I am working class and a few of my friends have partners who do shift work, so are always up for a visit.

Needsomeonetotalkto, I really do see where you are coming from and agree with lots of your points.

Dh and I have no family living nearby and when we moved to this area a few years ago, lost all our local social network.

As I got to know local parents, I found many friendships started and stopped at playdates. Most of the mothers had lived in the area for ages, had extended family and lots of friends already, so their evenings and weekends were pretty booked up.

Realising this, I tried not to take it personally, but it still made me feel a bit second best at times

But what I found really insensitive were the mothers (just one or two) who used to tell meet for a playdate then sit there telling me about a brilliant night out they'd had with their friends

One mother in particular made it crystal clear she had categorised me as a playdate friend. We saw a lot of each other - most weeks our sons would meet up. We often used to chat over a glass or two of wine at my house or hers. She was a single mother, but had family nearby to babysit so could go out a lot. I vaguely knew many of the people she socialised with - a nice crowd of people. She kept half inviting me to things, as she knew I was keen to see her for child-free socialising but, when we talked about it made it clear that actually she saw me as her friend for playdates or when she wanted a quiet night in drinking wine with someone...where she would regale me about her evenings out with her friends....

Considering how much time we spent together over the two years I knew her, I found it quite insulting to be categorised like this and distanced myself from her.

What on earth is the problem? I have different friends for different parts of my life - the Mummy friends I see in and around school are very nice, but I see them all week and want to see different friends at the weekend; and other friends still (the ones who live far away and in other countries) during the holidays.

I do this..I see the friends I have made through having kids mostly on a Friday (my day off) and weekends spend time with DH or my pre baby friends who work during the week (although every three weeks or so 3 couples from 'baby' set go for lunch or do something together either on a Sunday or we parents go out at night..

It has just worked out more practically to see 'baby' friends, most of whom dont go out to work, on the week day I have off and the ones with no kids who do go out to work on weekends..nothing cynical about it..and actually would say the woman I consider to be my best friend is a 'baby' friend..I love her to death and we put ourselves out for each other alot, which my pre baby mates dont do, just as they have no conception of what its like having kids, (none of them have any yet)

I think the part of the problem is that the 'mummy' friends that the OP sees during the week are probably aware that she hasn't got a big network of adult friends and that she and her dh don't know other local families to socialise with.

However, the mummy friends don't bother to include her in any of their adult or family socialising. They are happy for the OP to be a mummy friend to them, as she conveniently fulfils a social gap their own lives, but that's it. So, if the OP is really putting herself out for these people, she is not getting as much back from the friendship as they are IMO.

Some of this is just bad luck as the OP has different expectations, but I am not surprised that the OP sometimes feels a bit used.

Everyone's so different on this sort of thing, aren't they? I see true friendship as a type of love, pretty much, and I just don't really deeply love that many people. The ones I do are the select, the elite, the wonderful fabsters picked by me as superstars! (And they never fucking like each other. Why does sods law dictate that, I wonder?) However, I like and see good things in many, many people and have lots and lots of relationships of coincidence and convenience with people I meet through work or kids or whatever. Sometimes these are fairly shallow although also fun and enjoyable. Occasionally they are about passionately sharing a common interest in a time-limited way. You might find that once you have finished being a baby bore with someone else in the throes of new motherhood you find you have little else in common. Ditto the person in your evening class who is the only other person in the world as interested as you are in making ships fit into bottles or learning Greek. However, a few going down the pub and/or common interest relationships do deepen into true friendships; every deep friendship has to start somewhere.

Always meet my friends during the week when DH is at work because he cannot stand the ranting...The presence or not of the children should not matter. YABjustatadU.

I haven't read all of the posts but I don't see anything wrong with this at all!

I am on maternity leave. Monday to Friday I meet my "mummsy" friends, at the weekends I am with DH or my friends who work all week or family.

I have occassionally met my mummsy friends at weekends (twice) when there has been a baby party arranged for a Saturday.

They are my friends but its all circumstantial and as long as everyone realises that I dont see the problem?

Also its not about being friends because of their children. I genuinely like them (otherwise I wouldnt see them)

Their children make it "easier" for my DD to be entertained. I genuinely enjoy the adult company.

I have frieds who I don't see at weekends. That is when we tend to do family stuff, with DH and meet up with joint friends. And a few of these friends dont know DH, so it would be a pain. I tend to meet up witht hose during the week/school holidays usually with children in tow (it is often how we met initially as the thing in common). Now DD is at school I do find time during the week to meet up without children too, but not as often I have to say.

I think many people have different sets of friends that they see at different times in different ways and with different people.

I don't have any interest in making friends with other mothers just because the only thing that we have in common is our kids. I have a very close group of friends that I went to drama school with, who I see regularly. I also have a couple of close friends from childhood.

I know a few other mothers to say hello to, but I'm not in the least bit interested in the standard mother and toddler group chat of nappies and feeding. I haven't changed as a person since becoming a mum, and I'd much rather take ds to my friends' flat and sit and play guitar with him than meet up with a whole load of other mums. I get my fix of baby talk on here!

The thing is, if you see your mummy friends only in the context of playdates with children on tow, it's not an ideal environment to talk about less child orientated stuff.

Ok, I have had plenty of non mumsey conversations with other mothers while watching our dcs in the playground but it's not quite the same as having a chat over a glass of wine or two in a wine bar. And anyway, if you have children within earshot, you have to watch what you say!

Make friends with different people if you are not happy with the arrangement.

Personally I find it really annoying when people I have become friendly with in the week start wanting to do things at the weekends. My weekends are busy enough as it is and I like a change from my weekly routine.

"I don't have any interest in making friends with other mothers just because the only thing that we have in common is our kids. I have a very close group of friends that I went to drama school with, who I see regularly. I also have a couple of close friends from childhood. "

Fair enough, but I, like many other mums are not in this position.

I have met other families that we meet up with for days out, meals - even weekends away sometimes. But I have in the past been stung by friends who have made it clear that they are happy to meet up when it suits but then weekends/eves are for theor real mates!

Its fine if that suits but I felt used. I have moved around a lot and have been here for a few years. I have'nt kept in touch with school friends anad have gradually lost touch with friends from other places I lives. I want to put roots down.

Another aspect that has been briefly touched upon, but is certainly the major contributing factor in my case, is the problem of the socially inept husband. We tend to have our own friends, he has his and I have mine. In fact, we only have one set of friends that we regularly see together, that are 'joint friends'.

Almost all of my friends I see during the week, with just the children, and this includes my closest friends - even my old school best friend who I have known for 20 odd years. It doesn't diminish the relationship, its just my husband hates these kind of social occasions and we are all busy people. Its easier to see people during the week. If ever I do 'family days' it almost always involves a row (me telling him to make the effort beforehand, him not making enough of an effort, coming across as rude, and then him swearing blind that he did make the effort!) So its just not worth the row week after week. Therefore, I very much have my friends that I see during the week, and as I said some of them are very close friends. At the weekend, I spend time with my husband.

Just another perspective.

My friends without children are not at home Monday to Friday, they work. The same applies to my family.

I am actually starting to enjoy time with my "mummy friends" more than my others BUT I think its really important to maintain original, non child based, relationships.

I wouldnt be able to do this if I saw my "mummy friends" at weekends too.

OP. I do understand where you are coming from but I think you are taking it too heart. Maybe just mention to your mummy friends that you are at a loose end at weekends, they may make a few introductions in to their groups. However, dont take offence if not.
It doesnt mean that they dont like you. They just have more people in their lives, currently

Needsomeonetotalkto - so what? It's a thread asking for opinions, that's my opinion. I'm not saying that those who want "mummy friends" are somehow wrong, it's just not for me.

I was'nt having a go. I was just explaining that not everyone has the same lifestyle as you. No need to be agressive,

Just as a general observation, all friendships have to start somewhere.

You go through life being exposed to groups of like minded people at school, college, work, evening class, local pub etc etc. You then choose to make some of them into beter friends. You go that extra step, see them out of their normal environment, start talking about non related things, make an effort to keep in touch with them, etc etc.

So why not be as flexible in approach to your 'mummy' friends? What is the difference really?

It's probably not the case that they are seeing their "real" friends, but perhaps other friends or just family time.

I suppose one way of looking at it is that friends almost naturally fall into groups due to their circumstances & interests and therefore you would probably meet them differently & have a different friendship basis with them. I only see one of my friends once or twice a year, yet she is probably my best friend.

I wasn't being aggressive, needsomeonetotalkto. Your face in your reply to me suggested that you thought I was being smug or something.

I would like this tbh as opposed to lazy Mums who have kids the same age living close by and who refuse all offers and invitations because they can't be arsed. Yes this has been my experience. Would love someone who wanted to meet up with her kids and a superficial chat.

have a superficial chat that is.