To detest other mums who only want a friendship based around the kids?

[needsomeonetotalkto]

I'm talking about mums who only want to meet in the week when their DH are at work so that they have something to do with their kids. They don't want to meet at the weekends or god forbid without their srogs as that when they see their real friends.

I think you just have to accept that a lot if not most of the mums you meet through your children are not real friends. Because they're not. They are people you've met through your children.

Some of them might become proper friends. I imagine most of them won't.

ooh that sounded a bit harsh when I read it back....

I think there's a place for friendships like that though (the mums you see during the week). We don't all have to be proper friends with everyone...acquaintances and friends but not 'proper' friends all have their place.

another way of looking at it is i work,like my colleagues bit don't want to spend weekend with them

i more take your post as an acknowledgement that you want to broaden your circle, remit and interests. not just mummy. that you were hoping these friendships could be more than mummy chums

Can I just say (as a lone parent) that weekends can be very lonely for those of us without a DP and knowing/thinking that everyone else is doing family stuff is quite painful. I am very grateful to the coupled up friends I have, who have figured this out and invite us to lunch etc at the weekends.

I see where you are coming from, as I have once experienced a woman like that. We met at an postnatal group, and started meeting up for coffee with our babies, and I thought we were developing a friendship.

Until one day I called her and she said "But QS, why are you calling me on a tuesday, you KNOW this is Tillys day at the nursery. I am on my way out so lets catch up a day I have Tilly at home with me, as I dont really want to sit here and chat when I could be doing someting else." Needless to say, I didnt call her ever again. If she cant even be bothered to have a simple conversation if she is without child, not even to make plans for the day after when her dd was not in the nursery, she was a persona non grata to me.

You dont have to continue a weekday friendship either with people who have that attitude.

Many others DID become firm friends, such as my NCT friends, we would move on to dinner parties, evenings out, etc, when we knew eachother well enough to take the friendship off the babysphere, iyswim.

Littlemisscross, I sympathise, dh used to work away a lot when ds1 was younger, he was away for upto 3 months at the time. The weekends were a nightmare. I was so lonely as everybody was doing couple things.

My cousin is a single mum, and I invite her to either do stuff with just me and the kids, or my husband and the kids, depending on what we are doing, as she has similar issues on the weekends. Her ex has her dd every second weekend, so on those weekends, she is not that keen to see us, though. She is out with her single childfree friends.

sorry needs, like the good nun, I don't understand what point you are making, (hmm...?)

OK, I only want to be friends with other mums who want to be friends with me and not just for something to do during the week - does that make sense?

yes,we all want affirmation,but i guess just accept friendships/contacts for what they are

sometimes one can have multifaceted friendships,not necessarily all deep positive regard.

sometimes functional is ok

ah ha but you can't tell that till you've tried them out for size (friend wise). May be that some of these week-time friends develop into that. You can't tell how it will turn out from the off. You just have to go with the flow and hope you'll strike gold.

Tbh I don't have time or energy for people to whom I am nothing but a convenient playdate (or, indeed, someone to be cultivated because I might be useful in helping them/their dc with English).

A real friend will be fine with going out some weekends and at others perfectly comfortable with saying sorry, we all need a bit of quiet time this weekend.

what I really fancy right now is a campari

Dubonnet and bitter lemon for me.

My experience of this was of meeting a woman I really liked, seeing a lot of her while she and her DS lived around the corner, and then finding that once she had moved away, she barely returned my calls. She basically had found it very convenient to have a 'friend' for her son so close by (our DSs were about 10 months old fgs), but when she moved and seeing us would have involved some planning and thought, she pretty much ditched me. And as you can tell I have yet to get over it.

keep playing with the stress ball

Wouldn't bother me in the least. Mind you, most of my weekends are taken up with doing 'me' stuff either working or adult-only socialising, while DS spends time with his dad. We socialise at P&T groups a bit, but the mums I get on better with have DC who either don't get on with DS or are too young to have playdates with him.

exacly Skull, a no brainer. 5 Minites thought aswers teh questuon yet this kind of guff is the subsance of Mn increasibly. I'm an oldie - I'm on my way out, I know. The golden days are over. But MN is now properly popuylar and is making lots of money for Jusitine et al so can;t be too cynucal - it; s their living and I am glad it has become suc a success. Forever may it grow. And thanks

Yup, what MN needs is more posts by people moaning that it was much better in 1784 when they first joined - oh and less about babies, more about pensions.

I have a friend our babies are the same age adn when the older kids are at school she wants to come round all the time, I mean every bloody day.
I really like this girl and we get on well, but it's convenient for her to come here as she lives quite away out from the school so she saves on petrol, also she hates being in the house so likes to be out all day, and as I've got same aged baby she never comes out with anything fro him. She makes his lunch here uses the nappies ect.

Now, I don't ususally mind because I'm at home most of the day anyway because there's always tons to do, baby sleeps ect but sometimes I just want to be on my own adn when someone is here from 9 til 3 I can't get the housework or dinner done. So sometimes I lie and say I'm busy or don't pick the phone up (not a lot though!)

I do sometimes feel a bit used, but I sort of think that's what she's like and don't take it in a bad way.

I don't really see her on the weekend as I like to do the family thing with dh and the dc's, but we have been out for a drink ect. Though I think I don't get asked regularly as people know I'm doing my own thing anyway.

I certainly wouldn't consider dropping her as a friend, because although the boys are only 18 mnths now, when they're older it will be great to have his little friend to do things with. So you could say we use each other!!
But that's ok with me - we like each other and get on in each others company, so I'm not too bothered about the exact reason we actually see each other.

On the whole I have found other poster's replies very interesting and had defintley made me rethink the whole weekend situation. In fact after giving it some thought, I think that I had got it in my head if you see friends at the weekend they are real friends - don't lnow why BUT I actually would prefer to just be with DH and my own kids to spend family time and chill out. Go on . shoot me down.

I defintley will be avoiding mummy vampires though - 7 years of them has drained me.

i dont have "mummy chums" i work FT, so just have friends.dont differentiate actually

I have found that folk hang around with people they like, whether they met throu kids or not.

Needs: A lot of the time it simply boils down to lack of time. I have different "types" of people who I like to socialise with, in all kinds of different ways: people who I met through work, SILs, mums I've met through the kids, my mum and sis, oh - and DH of course! Ideally, I would LOVE to go out for a drink with the other mums of an evening or at the weekend, but there are only so many free evenings and weekends that i have because a) DH often works very late so I can hardly ever go out mid-week, and b) I work on a Sunday.

This means that we only have Saturday to do family things together or even just tidy the garden or get on with other stuff like that. So that is really precious time. I'm not saying that I don't EVER meet up with friends on a Saturday without the kids or something, because I do - it's just not that regularly. Luckily my childless friends understand and continue to invite me to things in the knowledge that I would possibly have to turn them down cos I've got to take DS to a birthday party of something. Point is, they STILL continue to invite me despite me having to "knock them back" fairly often. To me, that is a sign of a true friendship and I'm very lucky to have them and appreciate the way they are.

On the other hand, when I DO have a free evening,I am very wary of inviting child-free friends to go out for a drink in case it looks like I'm just "using them". Silly really as I know they really don't see it like that.

I've just started becoming acquaintances/forming tentative friendships with other mums now DS has started school now, too. We've tended to meet up after school with the kids at someone's house so far. Whilst it would be nice to meet up with them sans enfants to go for a drink, I know how busy people's lives are, so so far this hasn't happened. Money is also a consideration for us too now - I could have all the free time in the world but still have no money to afford numerous nights out with various friends every week.

I think I'm trying to say (amidst all the waffle ) that it's sometimes quite important not to jump to conclusions about why someone turns you down for meeting up without the kids. It doesn't have to mean anything except that they are short of time, money or babysitters. That's all, so I think you ARE being a little bit paranoid, yes!

Oh yes, one last thing. Someone mentioned how hurt they were when their friend moved away to a new area and didn't return their calls. I got quite friendly with a woman who lives down the road when our kids were at nursery. Now our kids have started separate schools, and neither of us has phoned the other, despite us getting on quite well. I am presuming it's simply down to lack of time, rather than the fact that our friendship wasn't worth continuing. Perhaps, after reading this thread I'll get off my butt and give her a call and arrange a little get-together.

I think you have to try not to be so sensitive.But I wish you luck. The mummy friends issue is a minefield. I find it one of the hardest things about motherhood, which surprised me as before dcs I was the most sociable person I knew and never imagined I'd find friendships hard. But you do suddenly get flung in with a load of people you almost certainly having nothing in common with and other people are very busy. As Scottishmummy says it's like work friendships you don't expect to like all your colleagues and any real friendship that blossoms out of these situations has to be a bonus but you can't bank on it.

Right now I am fuming because a mum from dd's nursery hasn't returned my text sent yesterday about a playdate arranged for tomorrow morning. It's inconvenient for me as tomorrow is a very busy day and I need to know if it's on or off asap. But I don't want to stalk the poor woman who is probably just a bit rushed and disorganised and will get back to me in her own good time. I think she's being a bit rude, she would probably think I was being a bit anal wanting everything arranged. In other words, we all come at these friendship/acquaintanceship things from very different povs.

I think you need to look for friends who are about you and no one else. Maybe as you suggested find a hobby, a club or something that meets evenings or weekends so your dp can babysit. That way you'll know it's not about the children.

I think you have to put yourself in other peoples shoes...I've made lots of what I call "weekday" friends but I'm not so fickle as to only spend time with them for their kids - some of them have kids I don't even really like very much. I see them for them and their company which I enjoy and I think its mutual. Besides which most of them are off during the week and we're all in the same boat trying to fill our days around the daily drudge that can sometimes be looking after kids/partners/the house....it's light relief !

When it comes to weekends, I like to see family/ friends who both DH and I like/friends who work during the week who I can't see in the week and also just spend time with each other and ds. The week can be so frantic. Besides which a lot of our friends have dh's who dh doesn't know very well or doesn't particularly like so doesn't really want to spend the short weekend he does have with them and not see friends who we've known for years together and don't have time to see. I suspect their dh's feel the same.

I sometimes have a girls night out with my nct friends but we're talking twice a year rather than something regular - but we always have a good time.

I would never "impinge" on one of their weekends although most of them are sweet enough that if you are on your own for a weekend with dc's - they'll invite you round or ask if you want to do something.

I don't think there is anything wrong with this and I think that a lot of my "mummy" friends have a sort of understanding that this is the way it is.I've never really thought about it too much as I suppose the situation suits me.