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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let 8 year old dd go on week long school trip??

87 replies

iliketosleep · 12/10/2008 09:29

She is supposed to be going tomorrow till friday.

I really dont want her to for 2 reasons, 1) she is beginning to get very mouthy with a bad attitude and she pushed me too far on friday so i told her she wasn't going under any circumstances as she didn't deserve it and 2) my lovely little baby nephew passed away just over a week ago and it has made me very possesive over my DC.

I REALLY dont want her to go and fear if she did i would have some sort of breakdown as there is no way of reaching them once they have gone, also most of the kids that went last year got food poisoning and the parents were not informed and there was a big uproar about it.

If she didn't go though I would probably feel guilty as her friends are going.

I'm not sure what to do now!!

OP posts:
Traceless · 12/10/2008 09:34

I wouldn't send an 8 year old for a week full stop, I think it's far too young and I don't give a fuck what all the other parents do.

itgetseasier · 12/10/2008 09:36

I am sorry about yor nephew. I can totally understand why you want to keep your DD close. No words of wisdom - sorry.

Original poster
iliketosleep · 12/10/2008 09:36

Thats the best comment I could have possibly got! I have said it from the start but was scared to mention it on here incase people thought i was too overprotective etc

OP posts:
Original poster
iliketosleep · 12/10/2008 09:38

So if i dont send her, should i keep her at home or send her to school to sit all day with 2 people who aren't going and who she really doesnt like

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Original poster
iliketosleep · 12/10/2008 09:40

Thankyou itgetseasier, he was only 16 weeks old and suddenly stopped breathing, as i have a 6 week old dd im constantly on edge!

OP posts:
J2O · 12/10/2008 09:44

am quite suprised the school do a full week for 8 years old.
As to whether you send her to school or not depends whether shes not going because you are punishing her ( then send her to school) or because you're wanting her close to you.

Am afraid you may get slated on here, I have an 8 yo dd and i bet you're exhauseted with the baby and probably aren't thinking straight, neither am i, so god knows why i'm even trying to give you advice!

itgetseasier · 12/10/2008 09:45

That is so sad, I can understand your worries. FWIW, I would feel uneasy about sending an 8 year old aon a trip overnight but I probably would if most of the other kids were going. A week does seem a long time and I don't like the lack of contact either.

Traceless · 12/10/2008 09:45

Keep her off, I would, and have a week of junk modelling and leaf kicking.

FleurLeChaunte · 12/10/2008 09:50

There is no way I would let an 8 year old away for a week with me or his/her Dad.

Sorry to hear about your nephew. Totally can understand why you want to keep your dc close to you at this time.

Original poster
iliketosleep · 12/10/2008 09:54

I'm not sure how to keep it going, I'm not that evil to make a punishment last for that long when she is being a typical 'im a grown up now' 8 year old but I dont want her to resent me for not letting her go. Its just came at the wrong time otherwise I suppose I would have let her and be 50% less worried than I would be at present IYSWIM

OP posts:
MrsWeasley · 12/10/2008 09:56

schools have to leave you with a way of contact even if its through the school. When my DC's went (they were 11) we were given details of where they were staying and contact numbers but told to ring the school as a first point of contact.

How many others arent going? your DD should go to school if not going on the trip.

Original poster
iliketosleep · 12/10/2008 09:58

The only numbers they have given is a payphone (outgoing calls only) and one to an answer phone. No way of ringing and speaking to someone directly. The place they are going is about an hour and a half drive away from here.

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Original poster
iliketosleep · 12/10/2008 09:59

not sure how many others are going, the whole class less the 2 she doesnt like i suppose

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Anna8888 · 12/10/2008 09:59

What is the trip, how far from home is it, and how many children out of the total children in her class/year are going?

I think 8 is about the right age for this sort of thing. I wouldn't be against it on principle, though I quite understand that the death of your nephew is making you more protective than usual.

Anna8888 · 12/10/2008 10:00

Can you send her with a mobile?

FleurLeChaunte · 12/10/2008 10:02

I have to say though when I was a kid I wasnt allowed to go on a school trip that everyone else went on and I was gutted. I had to go into school and sit with the few others that couldnt go. When my friends came back all they did was talk about what had happened on the trip and I did feel really left out. It did pass quickly though.

If you are mainly keeping her off the trip because of your concerns rather than as a punishment then don't make her go to school and do some cool stuff with her so she has something to talk about when she goes back and everyone is going on about the trip.

AbbeyA · 12/10/2008 10:08

On a purely practical point -surely you have already signed forms and paid?

DumbledoresGirl · 12/10/2008 10:09

Gosh yes I think 8 years old is too young for this too although my 8 year old daughter went on Brownie Camp for 2 nights recently and she was absolutely fine and I have to confess I did not have a moment's qualm about her ability to cope. But then, I had not suffered a family death and I can see how that would make you want to hold your dd close.

But is it really about your nephew's death? The way you phrased your OP, it sounded like you wanted to punish your dd for being mouthy as much as anything (that was yout number one reason). In which case, I think this is a ludicrously harsh punishment. Think how much your dd has been looking forward to this. My (10 yo) sone is going away for a week next week and he has been looking forward to it for at least 6 months. He would be devastated if he could not now go. I think you need to think really hard about why you are thinking of doing this. If nothing else, and she is being mouthy and intolerable at the moment, you will have a whole week with her away in which you can concentrate on your baby (who is much more vulnerable if you are feeling anxious about your nephew's death).

Also, as a teacher, I am duty bound to say that if she does not go away with the school of course she should go to school. What are you teaching her otherwise? be rude and you can have a whole week off school!

Original poster
iliketosleep · 12/10/2008 10:09

No they arent allowed to take mobiles, its in big bold writing on the letter.

I also was left out of going on 2 holidays/ trips when I was at school, a week in paris and skiing in switzerland, we couldnt afford it and i dont have a passport, all my friends went so i just sort of hung around the school on my own I wasn't allowed to stay at home but wished I could have.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 12/10/2008 10:12

How are you able to contact them during the week?

I think it is madness to disallow mobiles btw - though I think the mobiles should be looked after by an adult and only handed out once/twice a day for texting.

Traceless · 12/10/2008 10:12

At aged 8 - does she know your nephew has died? I think maybe her behavior will be to do with a) having a baby sister and adjusting to not being an only any more, and b) she may be very very worried about her little sister, almost as worried as you are, she may be frightened her little sister might 'just not wake up' like her little baby cousin did

Have a really good talk with her and explain that lightenening tends not to strike twice, but also explain how because you are sad about losing your nephew, it has made you want your children close to you.

If you really can't bear to let her go she will understand, if not now then later in life when she has her own babies.

to you both

Original poster
iliketosleep · 12/10/2008 10:14

DumbledoresGirl if you read my post further down....

By iliketosleep on Sun 12-Oct-08 09:54:10
I'm not sure how to keep it going, I'm not that evil to make a punishment last for that long when she is being a typical 'im a grown up now' 8 year old but I dont want her to resent me for not letting her go. Its just came at the wrong time otherwise I suppose I would have let her and be 50% less worried than I would be at present IYSWIM

She knows how my nephews death has affected me as i am always jumping when dd brings up a bit of milk and makes a sort of gasping sound and back and forth to the baby or asking one of the dcs to check on her (especially in the car)but i dont think she realises just how worried I will be if she goes (as kids never do!!)

OP posts:
Original poster
iliketosleep · 12/10/2008 10:21

You can leave a message on the answer phone I suppose but thats the only way.

I'm not sure how well she understands whats happened but i know she knows whats happened as no conversation is safe in this house

I have 4 dc so it isn't that she isnt an only child anymore shes just generally gobby (not like me at all ) its just the way she says things like "erm excuse me, thats mine and you dont touch it, ok?" to me, with an attitude, it really gets my back up

Shes sitting next to me begging to go my head is spinning and i have a sicky feeling in my stomach thinking about it

OP posts:
DumbledoresGirl · 12/10/2008 10:21

Yes I did read that other post, which is why I wondered if you were doing this more to punish her than to keep her close.

I have not been in your situation with the death of a young child, and it must be awful for you having your own baby to worry about, but really, I think you have to separate these 2 things. Worry about your baby by all means, but your older dd is 8 and really not as vulnerable as your baby. If you do not let her go, she will always remember this trip as the one you kept her back from, not because you lacked the money (a reason even quite a young child can understand and accept) but because you were feeling frightened and scared. I am not sure she will necessarily understand that.

I do not mean to be nasty to you. I hope this isn't coming across that way, but I think at this very difficult time you have to brace yourself, be strong, and let her go with her friends and the very responsible and caring teachers who will be there to take care of her.

Heated · 12/10/2008 10:22

How does your dd feel about going? Has she been really looking forward to it? If so, I'd be minded to let her go. Preventing her from going for being mouthy would be a harsh punishment indeed. On the other hand if she's not been keen and your recent family bereavement has really shaken her then ask her what she wants to do. I think you would lose your money though.

No mobiles is very common on residentials as it increases homesickness as they phone home to complain about what was offered for breakfast or they lose them. Parents send letters