To not let 8 year old dd go on week long school trip??

[iliketosleep]

She is supposed to be going tomorrow till friday.

I really dont want her to for 2 reasons, 1) she is beginning to get very mouthy with a bad attitude and she pushed me too far on friday so i told her she wasn't going under any circumstances as she didn't deserve it and 2) my lovely little baby nephew passed away just over a week ago and it has made me very possesive over my DC.

I REALLY dont want her to go and fear if she did i would have some sort of breakdown as there is no way of reaching them once they have gone, also most of the kids that went last year got food poisoning and the parents were not informed and there was a big uproar about it.

If she didn't go though I would probably feel guilty as her friends are going.

I'm not sure what to do now!!

You can't let her not go and her think of it as punishment. You are not punishing her, you are afraid for her, this is about you and your feelings.

Also her recent naughty behaviour is probably because she's worried about going and is acting up.

It's too late to stop her going unless you explain to her that you are very sad about your nephew dying and would like all of your family around at this time and that you know she is disappointed. And you will have to accept the consequences and the bad behaviour that might follow.

To a child it would be very unfair as it's been built up so long in their minds.

I wouldn't send an 8 year old away for a week far to young to be away from home that long.

Really, really sorry for your loss.

As for the school trip, I don't think 8 is too young for a week's residential trip with he school if the supervision is good. My dd went on one aged 8, ds will be going later this year; they had a great time.

And frankly, if you have doubts about the supervision you should not have signed up in the first place or let her think she was going.

As for money, you surely won't get any back if you back out at this late stage? (and it would be most dishonest to let your dd believe it would make a financial difference when it is not true)

As for not letting her go as punishment- no, totally out, as others have said. If you do pull her out for other reasons, you must do your utmost to ensure that she knows she is not being punished.

This leaves you with the recent loss of your nephew, which to my mind would be the only valid reason for a sudden change of mind. But I think you do have to ask youself if what is best for you would necessarily be best for your daughter. Perhaps she needs a bit of normality in the midst of turmoil? If you are feeling very protective of her, that might be putting a bit of a burden on her.

I might mention that my friend who is terminally ill and might die at any time is not withholding her children from school trips or scout camps, but doing everything in her power to enable them to carry on having a normal life. Incidentally, she is also getting a lot of anger from her kids- death makes you angry! But being a brave and wise woman, she reckons the more normality they can have the better. She has also made sure to have a support network of friends around, so that she does not only depend on her family for emotional support. Do you have someone to look out for you?

I mean dd and her friends had a great time; ds's great time is still to come.

About protectiveness, might add that dd has a disability which makes her extremely accident prone; has been in hospital with concussion and other bad falls several times. I still let her go on the adventure camp last year (aged 11) as I realised she had a right to live a normal pre-teen life, regardless of my anxieties. She was fine.

I would ask your dd what she wants to do- but in a manner that makes it clear that you don't expect her to stay for your sake.

I'm with those who say a week is too long for an 8 yr old.

DS1 is going on this first overnight school trip next month and it is only 2 nights. That is enough imo. They do 3 nights in yr 5 and 4 nights in yr 6 so they build up gradually. Mind you DS has mild SN so I do wonder about his ability to handle the changes but I have to let him try.

What you can do about it I don't know. It is probably a bit late.

I don't think you should stop your DD going as punishment as it would be a bit extreme but I fully understand why you don't want her to go for your peace of mind at the moment.

I was wondering if you could explain your situation to one of the teachers who is going and maybe, as a special favour, in difficult circumstances, ask for their personal mobile number to phone rather than having to relie on answering machines. If I were a teacher I would be happy to do it for you but would expect that you didn't share it around, not that you will I am sure.

Sorry to hear about your nephew iliketosleep. You must be having a pretty rough time so be kind to yourself.

Note that the school trip in the OP is not actually a week: it's from Monday to Friday, so not more than 5 days.

I just cant get the thoughts out of my head.

What if something happens and im not there?

What if she cries in the night?

People say "it'll do her good"....

Why? why will it do an 8 year old girl good to stay away from home for a week away from her bed, family, comforts!

iliketosleep - go with your gut instinct.

Let's look at possible scenarios, Ilike.

If she does go:

Something could happen.

Yes, true, but something could equally happen when she is at home. You could both be run into, your house could catch fire etc. Frankly, if you are thinking of such accidents as a car crash, then your presence would not be any protection to her. One benefit with being on a school trip is that there will be at least one person who is trained in first aid.
What you need to consider is whether there are particular dangers about this trip that outweigh the benefits.

What if she cries in the night?

Someone will comfort her. Really, they will. And if you are really upset and finding her behaviour difficult atm, you might actually both benefit from a break.

On the plus side, she will almost certainly enjoy a new experience. She will feel she is able to do the same as her friends. Most children really do love these trips and the shared experience.

If she does not go:

Is there a risk that she will feel disappointed because you have first told her that she may and are now changing your mind (and it is very late in the day if the trip is tomorrow)?

Is there a risk that she will feel she is being punished and therefore that she is not as good as her friends who are allowed to go? And what will that do to her confidence?

Will she worry that you think she is less tough and capable than her friends if she is the only one who is thought not able to do without her own bed and comforts?
(this was an important factor for me in sending dd who had anxiety problems; I did not want her to think I doubted her; it was bad enough is she doubted herself)

It is impossible to say what good a 5-day trip will do for your 8yo dd, I can only say what it did for mine:

endless fun and giggles with her friends

a mind-expanding experience (educationally, this trip was very good)

the confidence that she could feel sad and homesick and still handle those feelings

feeling that she was as strong and capable as her friends and that we trusted her to cope
(extra important as she did have health and anxiety problems)

But obviously, this is just one family.

I just feel that if you did not believe that being away from home is beneficial for an 8yo, then you should have said so from the start. Now you have let her believe she is going and are changing your mind because you feel vulnerable. It doesn't seem like it is about her any more. Have you asked her how she feels?

Also, you have let her believe that if she does not go, it is as a punishment; if you do make her stay behind, it's going to be incredibly hard to erase that idea from her mind.

Message withdrawn

I am a bit perplexed that you are worrying about an 8 yr old being away at this very late stage, I would have thought it would have come up when the trip was first proposed. You presumably didn't object and have paid. It would be unfair to stop her as a punishment. If she wants to go and it is all organised and paid for then I think you should keep your worries to yourself. You seem to be expecting an 8yr old to worry about your feelings.
The no mobile rule is very common, and a sensible one IMO.

should have been listed among dd's benefits: shared experiences with her friends

i'm so sorry for your loss ilike my heart goes out to you and I can totally understand you wanting to keep your daughter close to you at this time

I take brownies away for the weekend.. they are between 7 &10 so the same age as your dd

I know its a much shorter period of time but we dont allow mobiles for several reasons

1. they would all be texting each other constantly instead of doing the planned acitivites

1. they can get lost/broken

1. we cant control how they are contacting or who is contacting them

We give out the phone number of the accomodation and all the leaders mobile no's.

We do ask the parents not to call as a perfectly happy settled child can suddenly become very homesick at the sound of parents voice.

However if the child is upset and all they want is to talk to mummy or daddy then we wil loan them a mobile .. no problem

we also have a point of contact at home just in case..

It seems a long time for no contact with this age group.

I am sure if you decide to let your daughter go that she will have great fun

but do what you feel is right for you both right now ..there are plenty of opprotunities for trips in years to come

can I echo what FM said about the mobile phone thing. When my two have gone away the school has a blanket ban on phones for the excellent reasons FM listed.

My dd went away last year, a 4 night trip to France, which was the big trip at the and of Year 6 and was a 'big deal' for them all.

we were in two minds about sending her because dh was terminally ill with cancer, and had collapsed a few days before she was due to go. His consultant didn't think that his death was immanent, so dd went. I texted her teacher each day to pass on the news that Dad was OK and out of hospital, and the teacher texted back that dd was having a great time.

She really needed to go and be a child with her mates at that time.

But If I'd phoned her, she would have got upset

AbbeyA my nephew was still with us when the trip was proposed so circumstances were a little different!

I have said earlier on that its not that much about the punishment, i wouldnt be that cruel its about the fact that given the circumstances I would rather she was close to me and if anything did happen, be it here or not, I could be there in a shot.

My nephew was at the babysitters when he stopped breathing but my DB and his DP were at the hospital within 15 minutes, if that were to happen while she is away how soon would I be able to get to her?? Even at my age if anything happens to me I still want my mum!

I know I am being paranoid and overprotective beyond stupidity but before all this happened it was something you read in a magazine, it would never happen in real life. How wrong I was and it has opened my eyes so much. I know I am being selfish and feel very guilty but this is all very fresh and I cannot shake any thoughts away. I am worried about how I will cope when she is gone, would probably almost definately lie in bed everynight wondering if she was ok/crying for me etc then I would be tired during the day and with 3 other dcs to look after I would be no good to anybody

Maybe I should stop being such a knob and let her go I'm not normally this paranoid honest!!

My DSSs and all their friends never go on school trips / camps / residential courses without their mobiles (and with massive amounts of extra credit). It is a huge security blanket for them - they hardly ever need to use them, but just knowing they have them enables them to go (and for their parents to let them).

My DSs are never allowed to have their mobiles, it is a school, scout rule. For all the reasons that frasersmummy mentioned I wouldn't want to take away DCs who had a mobile on them. There is an emergency contact-you can get hold of them at any time.
I am sorry for your loss iliketosleep, I think perhaps you are too vulnerable at this moment to cope with it.

Head-only decisions are always hard , even though rationally you know dd will have a fantastic time. Fwiw you won't be the only parent from your dd's school feeling the same.

DD2 is taking her first holiday with the GPs, dropped her off yesterday and she's back Wednesday but I don't quite know what to do with myself, lol.

I would go with your gut feeling, who cares what people think. My DDs went for 2 night brownie camps at 7 and were fine but a week would be too long for me unless we could keep regular contact. Even my 12 yo has never been for more than a few days.

Very good posts from cory and hmb.

I think the issue of how long the trip is for is irelevant here. The op clearly hasn't had an issue with the length of the trip previous to this because she has agreed to her dd going, has signed consent forms and has paid for the trip and dd is supposed to be going tomorrow.

The issue here is op's fears following a recent bereavement, which have led to her being more fearful for her dd than would ordinarily have been the case.

Op I am truely sorry for your loss.

But you cannot project this on to your dd. How ever much you are hurting over the death of your nephew, this has nothing to do with how safe your dd is going to be on the school trip.

Imo if you have agreed to let her go then you have to let her go.

I do fully understand that you are in a bad place; it's not about you being a normally paranoid person. What worries me is that you seem to need your 8yo dd to prop you up.

The obvious thing from your posts is, we haven't heard a word about how your dd feels or what her needs might be. You worry about how you will cope, whether you will get overtired from not sleeping. But quite frankly, your wellbeing is not the responsibility of an 8yo. You need to get adult support for this!

The reason I do take this to heart because I was 8 when my Mum lost her Mum and she had no female friends around, so I had to become her adult support. Very quickly. I don't think it did me a great deal of harm, but I see where it could easily have escalated. And there were times when I could have done with being the carefree child. Certainly, if she had pulled me out of activities that I wanted because of her need of me, I would have grown to resent her. As it is, I feel when I look back that I had to much reponsibility for her wellbeing, that I sometimes made the wrong choices because of this feeling and that I would not want to do this for my own daughter.

I cannot tell you what decision to take. All I can tell you is, you need to get adult help for you. And your dd must not in any way feel that your emotional wellbeing is her job. It isn't. It's somebody's, anybody's, not hers. And you must not project your fears onto hers: she will have her own burden in life and no doubt it will be a hard one- most of them are; if you laden her with yours as well, then she will have a double load.

If you do feel you need to keep her home, I would do it as positively as possible. A sort of, I feel we should all be together now. But for goodness sake, don't make her feel selfish if she wants to go! That is her right, to want her own things.