To leave my DD aged 10mths screaming....

[bonnibaby]

in her cot whilst me and DP eat our evening meal when it gets to 9pm ,i have been at her beck and call all day and just want 10 minutes to eat?!
Please tell me im not?-shes fed,clean,dry,been looked after and stimulated all day,its not asking too much is it?

"Im quite surprised by the people that said their 10 month old doesnt cry unless in pain "

Bonnibaby, I was the one that said that. I wasn't trying to sound like a perfect parent. My children are older now but DS in particular would also cry if I left the room so I carried him around with me in the house. I had to sing to him whilst I was showering so he remembered he wasn't alone in the room, hold him on my lap while going to the toilet etc.

But I don't remember him or DD "screaming" for anything other than pain or a tantrum.

It's probably just semantics as other posters have said.

And what I actually said was "I didn't know babies this age screamed unless they are in pain. I thought it was just newborns."

I agree that language is critical here (I came across as smug, didn't mean to) but its difficult to always write neutrally, especiall if someone (OP in this instance maybe?) has had a really bad day.

I have written things on here and regretted them the instance I have submitted them, its almost a "venting" board (especially in the AIBU topic).

Others have been told that they are "horrible", am sure thats not the intention. Its just something which is so personal and unique to each of us.

GF 7 - 7 is not necessary but the OP doesnt sound like 9 - 9 is working for her (or whatever, but you get the gist)

I think its very important (IMO) to get some time out at the end of the day. Ideally I'd get my DD to do 8-8 but she isnt having any of that, madam

I know its not very mumsnetty to say "lets be friends" but I think a lot of stuff on this thread has got a bit out of proportion.

What does OP think?

Well I agree Pam -especially when people are posting suggesting that letting your child scram for a short while can end in febrile convulsions (never heard such utter tosh!)

VS how ridiculous!!!!! I had twins then dd 14 months later and one pair of hands. All 3 of mine had to be left screaming many a time from day 1,none of them have ever had a fit of any kind.

They are also 3 of the most lovely,well balanced happy kids that you could ever hope to meet.

OP you are not being unreasonable at all. There was many a time I as a full time SAHM on my own every day had to take breathers to eat,wee and hold onto my sanity. You eat,take a deep breath and re-charge.

A lot of posters on here need to get back in the real world. All babies are different,all mums and circumstances are different. If the op needs a break she needs a break -who are you to say she is unreasonable for needing one.

that is 'scream'. I am happy to voice my opinions (either for or against) in a supportive manner. However I will not stay neutral when VS posts in a way that is really using 'scare tactics' to bring someone to her way of parenting - totally inappropriate in my opinion.

YANBU, IME if it gets that late and she is still screaming chances are she is overtired and keep picking up and putting down just stimulates them more. I would definately do the same and if she hadn't settled when you had finished then I would go up and try a cuddle.

izy, you really are full of crap.

I wasn't posting 'scare tactics' to bring someone round to my way of parenting.

I was posting what I was asked about when my DD used to have fits. After having to give her mouth-to-mouth because she stopped breathing and carry her limp body to the phone so I could call for help when they asked me if she had been screaming and got herself worked up then it's going to be something I am aware and careful of, non?

Well of course my tether - no problem is there!

Hey hey 'full of crap'!! No need for that! Just because they asked whether she had got herself worked up does not explicitly mean they had that down as the cause of the convulsion. You need to take some time out.

I think you are jumping to conclusions and yes using 'scare tactics'.

You are using scare tactics and I think it's dangerous.

How old is the baby? If a few months old then fine, I just realised that I assumed she was. If only weeks old its unreasonable.
If the baby is months old I found feeding her just before we were due to eat gave us peace i.e. DH cooked dinner while I fed or visa versa once bottles were introduced. We then put her in the high chair next to the table with toys on the tray to keep her occupied. We could also talk to her so she was fine.
I left both dds if they grizzled, not full on screaming though. DD1 gets left now at 2.10 but its usually because she is having a tantrum

Just to put the OP's mind to rest. When I spoke to my Dr about febrile convulsions he said it was very unusual and the child would usually be very ill with a very high temp.

So dont let it worry you - if you can still be bothered to read this thread that is!

ffs, the OP was at the end of her tether^! I sometimes wonder if the people who post so judgementally have ever had a baby at all. I don't know anyone who has never felt exhausted, overwhelmed, exasperated and sometimes desperate when they have a young baby. I have felt resentful or depressed by the relentless demands of a crying baby. The feeling passes and of course it doesn't mean you don't love them, just that you want, please, to sit down and eat a hot meal with your husband.
As for the screaming - I remember calling my husband at work, crying myself and completely beside myself because my baby wouldn't stop crying no matter how much I cuddled, fed or rocked him. In the end I put him in his cot, and phoned my dh. I said I was a terrible, incompetent mother as I couldn't stop my baby crying - I held up the phone so he could hear the awful yells, and said, 'what am I going to do? Listen to that' - at which point, of course, he fell asleep!

Mytether the baby is 10 months which is why I also think it is appropriate.

VS you are talking complete rubbish. screaming does not cause febrile convulsions at all, just as a hot bath doesn't raise internal temperature It is far more complicated than that. Breath holding might cause a child to pass out, however, then breathing resumes because of a build up of CO2 from holding breath in. It is not dangerous and health professionals (including peadiatricians I have worked with) recommend ignoring such behaviour because giving attention for it means the child does it more.

OFGS.

I really can't be bothered to argue the toss with you.

My child went to hospital after a febrile convulsion. She had quite a few when young.

After she went to hospital and they could not find a cause (or a fever) they questioned me on how she had been before the incident, refusing to believe me that she had just been sat on the floor reading a book. I was actually told that she 'must' have been extremely active to get to a temperature so high that she fitted. I was asked whether she had been running around, whether the house was very hot and whether she had been screaming and got herself worked up. I was shitting myself because I thought they were convinced I had ignored her screaming and caused her to be ill.

I am not trying to use scare tactics At all. I've posted many a time that sometimes you don't have any choice but to leave a baby to cry for a moment. I wasn't even passing judgement on the OP! Just saying why people were saying YABU.

I shan't be back to this thread. My experience was all too real and I don't wish to relive it.

No matter whether you believe me or not, I was pretty much accused of causing my child to lose conciousness due to her having a screaming fit. I am just telling my experience.

A febrile Convulstion is caused by rapidly increasing body temperatures, caused by infections. There is usually a genetic predisposition.

It is a short circuiting of the brain which is the body's way of shutting things down so that there isn't any kind of permanent damage caused - like a computer.

It can't be caused by a child becoming upset or crying too much...unless of course the child is crying in the first place because they are ill.

Have not read the thread, but just wanted to post that so no one is misled.

VS - just read your post. Wanted it clear that I didn't post in response to that.

That must have been a very distressing situation for you - it's a ridiculous suggestion by the doctors though. Sounds like they were grasping at straws to try and explain what they couldn't.

I don't know the history but it sounds as though VictorianSqualor had an horrific experience and maybe it has made her extra cautious.

Even if the medical staff (and I don't know - hands up!) may have given her misguided advice .. ??

In my opinion, anyone starting a post like this is looking for reassurance and not critism...

She is obviously a loving mum as she has gone to the effort to write such a post.

As fellow mums maybe we should read between the lines and recognise that she is going through a tough time ( which we all have at some point), and leave our negative comments at the door, instead of the "well you did ask".

I know it's a discussion forum so i don't need reminding of that... I just think sometimes people need support and if we can't give it then don't bother posting.

Thanks Sycamoretree you have eloquently written my docto's explaination.

I also was about to write that he had stated there could be a predisposition towards such fits but wasnt sure if my memory of the conversation was still absolutely accurate.

A shame VS has left the thread before her mind could also be laid to rest re the cause of febrile convulsions.

I felt i was at dd's "beck and call" when she was 10 months as well. She wasn't a terribly hard baby, it was how I felt, but hey i had severe PND. A couple of times in the day if dd wouldn't nap or was having one of those days where she was crying alot I left her in her cot and went downstairs, because otherwise she would have been in her bouncy chair with me in a ball on the floor going "for Christs sake would you shut up!!!".
She never witnessed me loosing it, or doing this BECAUSE I was responsable enough to leave her somewhere safe while I took some time out. Leaving a 10 month old to cry for a short amount of time- say while someone eats a bit of food and trys to get under control-is NOT going to harm them, in fact it will probably harm them alot more to witness their mumy on the verge of a nervous breakdown.. I agree babies shouldn't idealy be leaft screaming, particularly while very young, but some of us aren't as perfect as all those smug mummies who write truley helpful comments such as "you chose to have them". Yeah we did, and we are finding alot tougher than we thought we would.

I didn't realise VS had left, but hopefully she'll pop back.

I know a little bit because my DD suffers from them, and I know what VS would have gone through - I thought my DD had died in my arms. My heart nearly stopped. I couldn't speak - I ran out into the street and a passerby had to call the ambulance.

The amazing docs at the hospital were so helpful. They explained that the convulsion itself is not actually very dangerous - it's more like a safety mechansism. They ALWAYS keep in 1st time febrile c's overnight, but more because it's an opportunity to educate the parents or carers about what to do next time. In reality, there's no need to hospitalise (except DD had a severe urine infection so they did keep her for 4 days until this was cleared up).

They told us if it happened again, we should feel able to call and ambulance if we wanted to, or bring her in - whatever we felt most comfortable doing. But they stressed that it wasn't necessary for DD, it was more a support thing. They gave all the advice about how to bring down temps effectively and swiftly in the future.

They mentioned genetic predisposition and both of us looked blankly at them. It was only when we informed MIL that it had happened that she very casually said "oh yes, DH used to have those". We were a bit WTF? But it was oddly reassuring to know she "fitted" the brief, so to speak.

We are now just very liberal with the calpol at any hint of temperature.

We were completely ignorant of FC's before DD had one, and I suppose the reason I'm posting here in such detail, whilst shamelessly not having read more than a handful of the posts, is because if it means even just one other mum isn't convinced they've lost their DC when it happens, and can recollect the information on this thread, then that's something.

Thanks ST. I checked with my GP because I simply wondered how likely a FC would be if you were unable to bring a high temp. down, for some reason, and he explained, as you have, the causes but reiterated that FCs were not very common.

I think the reason VS got my back up was that her initial post was quite confontational, using 'FFS' and then linked in the febrile convulsion as if to illustrate the possible outcome if you left your child to cry.

Of course her situation was sad but it was a shame that her post appeared to have scare mongering as its purpose (especially as the information was 'misguided.')

She might claim this was not her purpose but the tone of that initial post is very forceful and not supportive in it's critical opinion.