To leave my DD aged 10mths screaming....

[bonnibaby]

in her cot whilst me and DP eat our evening meal when it gets to 9pm ,i have been at her beck and call all day and just want 10 minutes to eat?!
Please tell me im not?-shes fed,clean,dry,been looked after and stimulated all day,its not asking too much is it?

If you need 10 minutes peace and have been with her all day, couldn't DP be the one to tend to her while you eat. Personally I couldn't bear to leave DD crying. I hope you get some support.

I am a little surprised at how many people say it is absolutely BU to ever leave a screaming child for 5 minutes.

Yet if the OP comes on here tomorrow to say 'I am totally stressed out, I feel I can't cope any more, dd screams all the time, I feel like murdering her'- then what are we all going to answer her?

Yes, that's right, we will. 'There dear, not to worry, just put her down in her cot and go into another room, make yourself a cup of tea, take deep breaths, she won't come to any harm'.

So why not take those 5 minutes before you get to the murderous state? We are not talking about a neglected child sobbing in her cot for hours- just a short break to shovel food into your mouth and get that blood pressure down a bit.

I did not often leave my children to scream, that must be admitted. But there were occasions when I needed to leave one of them for a short while, to deal with the other. And there were times when they were tantrumming and I simply walked out of the room(acceptable Mumsnet practice, non?).

If I had wanted to establish proper sleep routines (and not been the lazy slob I was ) then I'm sure that would have involved letting dd scream herself to sleep on occasion. She was that kind of child. Not all mums who do sleep routines are cruel and abusive.

And as someone mentioned, some children actually wind themselves up more if you fuss around them- walking away can help. Particularly if it makes you less tense, as children pick up on that.

I liked Alicet's sensible and balanced post.

I totally agree Cory.

I wouldn't say YABU as I know sometimes you get to snapping point. But I'd be inclined, if you're the one who's been with her all day, to ask dp to hold her, as I can't eat happily with a screaming baby. And at 10 months I'd be thinking, is our routine working for us all, could we try doing something different, if this is a regular problem (as it got to be for us for a while).

We tried various things with ds around bedtime/mealtimes (his and ours) but by 8/9 months, I think we'd started to try and have a meal we could all eat together at 6.30/7 pm before putting him to bed, as putting him to bed before we ate was getting too interrupted. I went back to work when he was 10 months and since then we've found he's often fed at his childminder. But he still enjoys sitting at his highchair at the table.

OTOH, I have had times when I've put ds into his cot or playpen or other safe place crying while I went to the bathroom or just took a little time out. I do it most in the morning and I've noticed he screams a lot less than he used to.

well said Cory

I agree with Cory. YANBU. If baby is fed, watered, safe etc it no probs. Esp on the screaming to sleep thing. In my experience, my default setting of going to DS every time he cried in the night made him unable to sleep without me. It was actually kinder when I bit the bullet and let him cry to sleep. He then learned to sleep by himself, we didn't get the usual 6 wake ups a night. Everyone felt better. So sometimes, when you are at the end of your tether, you are stressed or when they can't sleep it is actually better to leave them.

I dont mean this in a smug way (am only a first time mum) but I find it odd that a 10 month old is up so late?

I'm not a strict routine mum but by about 4 months DD was always asleep by 7pm. She would have been knackered if I had tried to keep her up, now I struggle to keep her awake past 630pm.

Do you think she is over tired? I know writing this that that sounds patronising and it isn't meant to, you have a lot more experience than me as a mum.

My DD is 9 months and only screams if she is in pain or properly over tired.

I think its cruel tbh and makes me want to cry, poor baby

you and dp should take it in turns to eat, we do, its not that hard ffs

this is the reality of having children

She's 10 months old not a new born, sometimes what may seem a little cruel may be the kindest thing.

Oh of course it is ok! I agree with Cory and most other sane people would see it as perfectly appropriate if you are exhausted and at the end of your tether.

Sometimes they ALL scream when over tired. The extra stimulus of your presence is likely to keep the baby awake.

However letting a baby scream for hours without checking is a different matter. I really dont understand the dogmatic, moralistic stance of some people on this matter.

Are other peoples babies really up at 9pm?

I think that I would be exhausted if my DD were still awake and I can see why the OP would need to give herself 10 minutes.

I would want to address why the baby is screaming at that time?

bonnibaby, i was ready to post with a YABU, but actually i think you did the right thing. She probably was overtired anyway - does she not have a nap during the day at all?

ffs you must be tired out if you are seriously asking if it's ok
please take care of yourself and try somehow to take a moment to yourself

have you considered getting a compost bin?

I don't think it is desirable to leave a lo 'screaming', but sometimes it is necessary.
The child was obviously exhausted and so was the poor op.
SOmetimes babies cry. There are worse things. Give the op a break fgs.

Ronaldinhio?

worked in the other aibu thread.....

what worked?

Hi,
I would like to thank the people who were understanding and supportive about how hard it is sometimes.
Im feeling a lot better about things thank goodness.I just find it so hard sometimes.
DD has never slept much in the day and so does get very tired.
Since the other night she has been so much better and has gone down in her cot with maybe a couple of minutes crying but then gone off to sleep.
Im quite surprised by the people that said their 10 month old doesnt cry unless in pain to be honest as DD will scream if i leave her for any period of time to see to DS or take a quick shower for example-even if i take her in the bathroom in her chair.

Yep but some people have 'perfect' kids and are indeed 'perfect' themselves!!

You normally find such people have little to no empathy as well.

bonni, I find it hard to believe that some babies only cry in pain - lucky them! Ds used to howl when he was tired, whether in his cot, his pram or my arms. It does get to you.

bonni, I find it hard to believe that some babies only cry in pain - lucky them! Ds used to howl when he was tired, whether in his cot, his pram or my arms. It does get to you.

Pamelat try not to be so smug and judgy dear it is bloody annoying - you have just been incerdibly lucky with your first not through any of your wonderful parenting trust me!
My first was a nightmare cried all the time demanding (she still is age7)....and was often still awake at 9pm despite being put down repeatedly since 7pm and trying everything in the book she didnt sleep a lot and still doesnt - DD2 the complete opposite calm settled baby down awake at 6:30 never cries unless in pain or overtired a dream baby ...
I am the same parent - you got lucky I hope your next is as good or you will be eating your words!

Of course Nicky and I think this is probably so for the majority of 10 month olds certainly true of mine!