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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my friends to remember the 1st anniversary of my Dad's death?

89 replies

shootfromthehip · 06/10/2008 10:26

Ok- 1st anniversary was yesterday and I was pretty down to say the least. Was really close to my Dad and the majority of my friends were really good when he died.

I know that people are busy and I did not remind them specifically, however I expected to hear from some of them. NOTHING. Not one text or call. I am disappointed in the lack of recognition of what a big day it was for my family and I.

This said, the fact that I didn't hear from any of them makes me think that they are either giving me space or my expectations are unrealistic. (or they don't like me )

When a friend of ours lost her Dad, I made and continue to make a point of texting on the anniversary to let her know that I'm thinking about her and her family.

AIBU to expect to have heard from them?

OP posts:
Mulanmum · 06/10/2008 10:33

Think you are being a bit unreasonable. I don't even remember the exact date my dad died so I'd hardly expect my friends to. Why are you marking the anniversary of his death? I'd put a stop to that now if I were you (and I say that in kindness). My mum's been dead for almost 30 years now and I have never marked the anniversary of her passing or expected anyone else to.

Uriel · 06/10/2008 10:34

Agree with Mulanmum. I don't remember when my dad died either.

Carmenere · 06/10/2008 10:35

I am sorry but YABU. It is a waste of time and energy to perceive a slight where there isn't any.

zippitippitoes · 06/10/2008 10:35

no i think you are expecting too much for people to acknowledge or remember the exact anniversary

it is painful for you but a private grief i think

i wouldnt dream of contacting someone in that way even if i knew the date which is unlikely

compo · 06/10/2008 10:35

I too feel you are being a but unreasoable
the anniversary of the death of a family member is surely only remembered by the family? Having said that I'm very sorry for your loss, you sound as though you are taking today very hard Why nt call a friend and ask for a chat? or better still a coffee

fircone · 06/10/2008 10:36

My parents are both dead. I made the decision straightaway to forget when they died. I think about them both all the time - I don't need to make any special effort on the couple of days when something very unpleasant as well as upsetting happened.

Rubyrubyruby · 06/10/2008 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NappiesGalore · 06/10/2008 10:37

i think yabu. people deal with death differently. your freinds maybe assume you know where they are and will talk to them about your feelings if you want to.

i deliberately do not remember the dates of sad things, like my nanas birth and death dates - i dont want to feel sad on those days, prefer to remember her happily on my own terms.

RideEmCowboy · 06/10/2008 10:39

I think yabu, especially if you didn't remind them. I don't think you can really expect them to put the anniversary of your dad's death in their calendar.

Othersideofthechannel · 06/10/2008 10:40

I think it is a lot to expect from you friends.

I remember when my Mum died but I don't expect anyone else to anymore.

But this is only 1 yr on. I know I got a lot of TLC from DH and I spoke to my siblings on the phone 1 yr on.

It gets better with time.

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/10/2008 10:40

yrnbu imo

it wouldnt have hurt to have a text/call from your friends

it was the first year

I send a card/text for the 1st year when friends parents and another ones hubby died at 25 (they are in my diary) maybe that is morbid of me, but i know my friends appreicate that i care and remember

norksinmywaistband · 06/10/2008 10:41

I think YABU to expect your friends to remember.
I DO however mark the date of my mothers death with my siblings, but wouldn't expect my friends to remember. Saying that my best friend does always call, but that is because before her mum died our Mums were close friends as well and she know how it feels.
Everyone grieves differentsly and IMO I don't think it is right for other posters to tell you to forget it, that is not best for everyone and what is right for one is not necessarily right for another.

Uriel · 06/10/2008 10:42

Ruby - no, why should I? I like to remember him when he was full of life and happy. Not cancer-ridden, moaning with pain and waiting for it all to end.

FluffyMummy123 · 06/10/2008 10:43

Message withdrawn

saint2shoes · 06/10/2008 10:45

yabu(said nicely)
I never remember those anniversays. I always think of my mum and FIL on their birthdays and remember the happy times.

Mulanmum · 06/10/2008 10:45

Ruby - not sure why you felt the need to put a shocked face into your reply. I said I don't remember the exact date because I don't. I remember the month and year. Doesn't mean I wasn't a good daughter just that January passes every year without me realising that Dad has now been gone X number of years. I do remember the exact date my mum died and, as Mother's Day usually falls around that date, it just adds to the sadness.

wannaBe · 06/10/2008 10:46

I think putting the dates of friends' parents' deaths in your diary is weird. Sorry.

Grief is a private thing. Some people may want to be reminded of it, others may not. If you wanted acknowledgement you should say something - people can't be expected to remember.

Original poster
shootfromthehip · 06/10/2008 10:48

Did spend the day with family but was still expecting a couple of texts. Agree with some posters re not remembering him ill but his death has left me with a lot of responsibilty for my family and my mates know this. Have a really small family and just thought that I would hear from my close pals.

Not looking to fall out with anyone just had a notion of how people would react and was shocked when the reality was so different. Needed to hear some other thoughts on the matter to give me some perspective I suppose.

OP posts:
marmadukescarlet · 06/10/2008 10:48

I have trouble keeping track of my friends birthdays.

I remeber when my dad died, as he had a heart op on Valentines day it went wrond and he died the next day - I thought getting heart fixed on V day was a good sign.

Cannot remember when my mother died though, and it was only 7 (or maybe 8 ) yrs ago.

I also don't remeber when my brother died, but that was 17 yrs ago.

FluffyMummy123 · 06/10/2008 10:49

Message withdrawn

AMumInScotland · 06/10/2008 10:50

Sorry for your loss, but I don't think most people will remember the exact date of a friend's bereavement. That doesn't mean they don't care, or assume you're "over it", just that it is not a date which has stuck in their memory because TBH it is not as important to them as it is to you. They may vaguely think "oh yes, it was last Autumn wasn't it", but that would be all. Sorry, but YABU. But you have an excuse, because it is obviously still very raw for you.

Rubyrubyruby · 06/10/2008 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
shootfromthehip · 06/10/2008 10:52

I suppose because it's important to me i thought it would be important to my mates too. Wouldn't expect them to remember much else (Wedding anniversary etc) but because this is the 1st one thought it may happen. Don't want to be unreasonable though

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 06/10/2008 10:52

I think you're being a little unreasonable.

a few years ago my veryu best friend's dad died. we were incredibly close, and her parents were like a second set of parents to me.
her dad used to call me his other daughter.

I was absolutely distraught when he died and it took me a long time to get over it.

but I do not remember the date he died on. I know it was in feb, near his birthday, but I never manage to remember the actual date.

my friend usually texts me and says she is going down to his grave or whatever and I;ll either just text back, or if I can I'll go over or something.
I am there for her, and she knows it. she just has to give me a nudge!

saint2shoes · 06/10/2008 10:52

Rubyrubyruby I can never remember the exact date my mum died. why would I want to?
but I can remember her birthday. a happy time.

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