to expect my friends to remember the 1st anniversary of my Dad's death?

[shootfromthehip]

Ok- 1st anniversary was yesterday and I was pretty down to say the least. Was really close to my Dad and the majority of my friends were really good when he died.

I know that people are busy and I did not remind them specifically, however I expected to hear from some of them. NOTHING. Not one text or call. I am disappointed in the lack of recognition of what a big day it was for my family and I.

This said, the fact that I didn't hear from any of them makes me think that they are either giving me space or my expectations are unrealistic. (or they don't like me )

When a friend of ours lost her Dad, I made and continue to make a point of texting on the anniversary to let her know that I'm thinking about her and her family.

AIBU to expect to have heard from them?

I'm kind of with everyone on this. Both my parents are dead. I can remember the date, the day and the time they died, not because I am weird, but because I was there both times. However, I can also see the other side that I would not necessarily remember the date a friends dad or mum died. If I remembered I would text or something, however, don't feel bad that your friends have not contacted you as I'm afraid that is life, we all get on with it and forget things that are important to others.

You've not "touched a nerve", Rubyruby, though you're clearly trying to .

I think that you are just upset and looking for a little comfort which is perfectly understandable.
I sent a nice card to my oldest friend on the first anniversary of her fathers death and a text message on what would have been his birthday , TBH I wasn`t sure if these were the done things and wondered if it would upset her but I just wanted to let her know that I had not forgotten her.
She just said "thanks "
Her husband took me aside a month later and he thanked me profusely and said she burst into tears and then smiled the rest of the day - it just meant so much to her that someone remembered and cared enough to let her know.
I am not saying that we should all enter these things into our diaries , but maybe if you do remember - let people know that you care - it seems that it means a lot more than we may have thought - as your post confirms.
Sorry for your loss - take care ..

Shootfromthehip

I am so sorry for your loss.

We all have different expectations - out of all my group of friends only one remembers my father's anniversary.

I think that the others genuinely don't recall even the season let alone the month.

Try not to get upset about this, - it's hard enough to live with bereavement.

[squeezes knee]

I am sorry for your loss, it isn't that they don't care it is just that they won't remember the date unless they wrote it down at the time with the intention of doing something supportive on the anniversary.

Interesting. It would never occur to me to do this. Both my parents are dead - I held each of them at home as they died. I don't recall the exacty date of my father's death because I don't want to. Unfortunately, my mother died at Xmas and the funeral was New Year's day. I would love to forget the date but it's impossible. I am determined though, not to spend every remaining Xmas reliving that one.

Personally, I also think it depends on many things - the age of all parties, and the kind of bereavement. We must all inevitably lose our parents one day, but to lose a spouse or a child - I would be more likely to make a note of that date and I have mentioned that kind of anniversary to people when I felt it appropriate.

A little unreasonable,...such dates are deeply personal and not usually celebratory, and no reason why friends would diarise actual date.

However, I am sure that every one of your dear friends spared thoughts for you on Fathers Day and will again at Christmas and New year.

(I too have made decisions not to sort of blight a day with sadness...I lost a hugely influential family member - it was several years ago in early June. That's all I need to know because Apple Blossom reminds me )

Sorry you YAB a little U but having lost my dad earlier this year I totally understand.

A lot of people having difficulty remembering dates that have a major impact on their own lives so trying to remembers dates that affect their friends can be difficult.

So sorry for your loss - I hope the anniversary wasn't too painful for you.

I do think it is unreasonable to expect your friends to remember the date, though - unless you'd spoken to them recently and told them you were meeting up with your family on that day for the anniversary of losing your father. I don't think many people would remember the date a whole year later, and if you hadn't mentioned it to them maybe they didn't realise the anniversary was going to be so important to you and might not want to bring it up.

I've got quite a good brain for dates and I would probably remember this for my friends, but I wouldn't bring it up with them unless I got some kind of cue for them that it would be appropriate and appreciated.

MY MIL only died last year and I honestly could not tell you the date at all. I also forget the date of my dad's death.

I loved my MIL by the way - and still sometimes have a little cry that she is gone.

I think it is unreasonable but I understand how hard this day must be for you.

I don't remember my own family's birthdays without the aid of a calendar so the deaths of my friend's parents would be a stretch for me.

Also, if I did know the day, I'd be inclined to phone and say hi rather then send a card or flowers, as for all I know they might be doing fine and have put the day out of their mind until I clumsily remind them of it.

It's difficult to know what to say in these circumstances - everything sounds so trite in the face of such loss.

I don't remember when my dad died, despite being there for the whole week he was in hospital. It was a conscious decision to forget. I also don't remember the dates of any of my 4 miscarraiges, for the same reason.

Remembering the day doesn't help anyone, least of all me...and I'm a bit rubbish with birthdays too

That said, I know everyone is different. I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad on the anniversary and unsupported.

My dad once told me that people don't think that deeply about anyone's life but their own. I therefore don't worry if people forget it's my birthday/ dd's birthday/ the anniversary of a death or anything else.

It makes life much easier for me, I have to say, even if it's a little unsentimental to say the least!