to expect my friends to remember the 1st anniversary of my Dad's death?

[shootfromthehip]

Ok- 1st anniversary was yesterday and I was pretty down to say the least. Was really close to my Dad and the majority of my friends were really good when he died.

I know that people are busy and I did not remind them specifically, however I expected to hear from some of them. NOTHING. Not one text or call. I am disappointed in the lack of recognition of what a big day it was for my family and I.

This said, the fact that I didn't hear from any of them makes me think that they are either giving me space or my expectations are unrealistic. (or they don't like me )

When a friend of ours lost her Dad, I made and continue to make a point of texting on the anniversary to let her know that I'm thinking about her and her family.

AIBU to expect to have heard from them?

I understand that you are upset, but I think YABU a bit, and it's my opinion (not saying it's right) that it's not that healthy to have an anniversay of anyone's death.

My dad died in February. I don't know on what date. I don't remember, I don't want to. I don't intend to see the years going foward from this point in terms of cycles coming round to the point where I mark the day he died again and again and again. I want to move forward. There are enough markers through a year which will cause us to remember and grieve our parents (birthdays, xmas etc)without getting stuck on the date of death...this is just my opinion of course, and everyone grieves differently, but the notion of an anniversary of death is not one I think is particularly healthy.

I prefer to see our families lives as moving forward, forever further and further away from the day he died, but carrying all our beloved memories with us.

If I can't remember when he died, I certainly would never expect any of my friends to, and tbh, would find it wierd if they assumed to want to dredge up my grief unprompted. If you need the support of your friends, you have to accept you need to reach out to them. A simple text saying "dad died a year today and I'm feeling a bit low" would, I'm sure, have elicted some heartfelt support from your nearest and dearest.

Don't be harsh on them, and take care of yourself. This is a long old journey we are on, but each day down the road is a step closer to some kind peace.

cod - you and i must be weird then - i put dates in the diary

just means that 1st year i send a card, and following years that I know why and if they are feeling a bit down at that time

and always send a card to my one of my BF's who lost her dh in an accident (so never said goodbye etc) and i go to grave with her, then take her for a huge drink

it is called caring and being there for your friends!!

IF you need support, ask for it. Expecting other people to anticipate all your emotional needs is expecting too much. They have lives, commitments, problems and priorities as well.

sorry, but yabu in the nicest way.

I know that my friends mum is dead. She died a few years ago. In the time after her death, we spoke at length about their last year, their final days together, etc. I would call her and just say "how are you doing." now and then, or just a text, "thinking of you".

I would NOT pointedly remind her about her mums death by commemorating her anniversary on her behalf, or even assume she did, I would find it intrusive. I would expect my friend to contact me to talk, if she wanted to. I wouldnt presume to put her on the spot about her grief at such a time. It would be up to her.

And to Ruby, I don't remember the date, because it was 4 weeks of agonizing emotional blur, watching him fade away in hospice with cancer. I was on maternity leave, with a 6 month old DS. And a 3 year old. And I was commuting up and down the motorway daily with them both in tow. I could hardly remember by name at times because of the physically and emotional exhaustion. A date is just a date. It's arbitary, what matters is how you remember that person who you loved so dearly.

I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad too and its shit isn't it.

But here's the thing - I actually forgot the first anniversary of his death, in fact, i got the date wrong . I forgot again this year (its been three years ). This doesn't mean i have forgotten him. I think about him every day. I don't know why i forget such a significant day, but maybe its a natural thing. Birthdays are every year, they are a positive happy thing, something happens so we remember. Its just not the same with a day when someone dies

My friends father died suddenly the year before mine did. I remember the month roughly, but really only because there was drama and also i had to have my dog put to sleep on the same day so the sad coincidence stuck in my mind. I also remember because they go on holiday around that date as they can't bear to be in the country. Apart from that, i would forget to - it doesn't mean i don't care. It is just such a personal thing that maybe your friends don't want to intrude.

I bet if you were to text them and say, its the anniversary today/tomorrow etc someone would be there with offers of a night out/shoulder to cry on - whatever you might need.

I do remember the date my mum died. But, I wouldn't expect my friends to.
I know my best mate's dad died in August (a few years ago), but I don't remember the exact date, and she never mentions it. I see her often and we do talk about her dad, but not on specific dates. I guess I am saying I do understand, but it's a lot to expect of your friends really.

I wouldn't expect my friends to acknowledge the anniversary of my Dad's death. However, I know that if I rang someone and said "I feel like shit today because it's my Dad's anniversary" then I would get all the love and support I need.

If you are feeling low and need support, your friends will be there for you if you ask them.

Sorry you are feeling low

DP doesn't remember the anniversary of my Dad's death, and it takes him almost all day Christmas eve to remember that Dad was buried then.
So I think YABU, but understandably so, there is nothing worse than live continuing as normal when you're beside yourself with grief.

i lost my dad in nov, so i understand why your feeling bit fed up, but like everyone says, it doesnt make them bad friends, just forgetful. maybe your just upset and being annoyed with your friends is something else to think about?

I talked to DH about this and he agrees with the majority on here that IABU. I am a very emotional person and do read too much into things more-often-than not. I am also the sort of person who will commemorate the anniversary as I like the symbolism of having a day that I can acknowledge how much my life changed (he was ill for a long time but his death came out of the blue IYKWIM). It's not out of a sense of the morbid, just that it marks a cut off point and a sad restructuring in my life.

Bloody hell- am not cheering myself up here!!! Anyway thanks for the imput.

I usually forget the exact date of dh's dad's death. And then say something stupid like 'oh, are you going over to your mum's, give her my love'. It is NOT intentional, just stupidity.

Had a friend whose parents always made them go to see the grave of their first child on the anniversary of the death. Child was dead before any of the rest of them were born. I found that a bit gruesome but kept my views to myself.

I think it's completely different if it's a friend's dh tbh.

Rubyrubyruby - well as you can see from this thread, it's not unusual not to remember the exact date of a parent's death. Do you remember the dates your mum and dad died?

So sorry for your loss. I don't think that your friends not remembering the date is a sign that they don't care, though. DP's dad died a year ago and we didn't register the date this year at all. Not because we didn't love him or don't miss him - we remember him often, and with lots of love - but it's just a date to us.

As other posters have said, it's also a date that was all about pain, terrible illness and loss, whereas we have so many good memories and like to think about those.

Having said that, there are other members of DP's family for whom the date is very important, so everyone's different. If your friends knew you were upset at them not remembering they'd probably be mortified.

I'm also very sorry for your loss. I know I probably wouldn't remember the exact date of the loss of a friend's loved one, although I'd possibly remember the month and check if they want to go for a coffee or whatever and just chat about memories etc.

If it were me, I think I'd remind a good friend why I was feeling sad and ask for some company in advance of the actual date in anticipation of my probable sadness.

I think it's nice if people do remember, but I would never expect them too as the loss wasn't theirs iyswim. In the kindest possible way, I do think your expectations are a tad unrealistic sadly.

There are a couple of sad anniversaries I remember for close friends. There are a couple I remember the month, not the date. I do think it's asking a lot to expect your friends to remember without a hint.

edam - that is gruesome.

I am so sorry for your loss but no matter how close my friend is I dont think this is something i would spontaneously remember. Sorry.

sorry about your dad.the significance and pain it has for you wont be shared by friends

they wont remember exact date
doesnt make them bad friends
makes them forgetful

but do ask if you need support, speak up dont bottle it up

Message withdrawn

I am really sorry that you didn't get the support you wanted on your dads anniversary but I do think that next year I would tell them if you are finding it hard . Unfortunately people aren't mind readers and I think this thread has proved not everyone thinks of the date they lost someone as being important so maybe your friends are the same .

Edam and Fabio can I ask why you think that is so gruesome ? Do you think future siblings shouldn't know they had a brother / sister before they were born ?

My first son died when he was 14 mths old and I have gone on to have two more children who are aware of their brother . I don't take them to the churchyard as I think they are too young but maybe when they are older they would come with me . I feel its important they feel included . I am actually asking a geniune question as I know my friends would of course tell me that whatever I felt was right was fine .

Always being made to visit the grave is pushing a point beyond the scope of most children. I don't think v young children need to be taken to graves - different for 10 year olds. From Edam's post I thought she meant from babyhood they were taken to the grave - I see you think your children are too young too. I don't have a problem with older children going when the time is right, but I believe there are some things children should discover and question in their own time. I think it's a good thing for siblings to know about all their siblings.

I'm very sorry about your first boy.

Thanks for replying Fabio , I thought we were doing the right thing but just suddenly had a panic that actually everyone thought we were nuts because I am open about their brother .
Thank you