to expect my friends to remember the 1st anniversary of my Dad's death?

[shootfromthehip]

Ok- 1st anniversary was yesterday and I was pretty down to say the least. Was really close to my Dad and the majority of my friends were really good when he died.

I know that people are busy and I did not remind them specifically, however I expected to hear from some of them. NOTHING. Not one text or call. I am disappointed in the lack of recognition of what a big day it was for my family and I.

This said, the fact that I didn't hear from any of them makes me think that they are either giving me space or my expectations are unrealistic. (or they don't like me )

When a friend of ours lost her Dad, I made and continue to make a point of texting on the anniversary to let her know that I'm thinking about her and her family.

AIBU to expect to have heard from them?

Sorry for your loss, but YABU. The reality is that life does go on, but you do have friends you are there for you when times are tough. I do think it's U to expect them to remember a year later the exact day...

I'm sorry that you feel sad esp on the anniversary but I don't remember other people's bereavements. I know one of my friends lost her Dad coming up 2 years in Nov but you couldn't get the date out of me if you paid me. It's not that I don't care but I wouldn't like to presume on her grief by sending a text or card (I sent a card when she lost him and I went around to see her when she returned to London). I'm lucky - my parents are still very much around but I don't recall the exact dates when my gps/uncles died either - mind that is going back some years now. My family tends to raise a toast to anyone deceased on days like Christmas, Easter or their birthdays (My Nan's birthday was 1st Jan so it'd be hard to escape that if we wanted to) but other than that, they're not really mentioned. Everyone has their own way of grieving though.

{{{hugs}}}

No no no, not nuts at all wiblury.
Nuts is naming your new baby a diminutive of its deceased sibling (don't ask)

I do think you're doing the right thing, fwiw. ds1 a part of your family, important for siblings to know imo. I know that's not right for all families, but I do find it a bit odd when someone who has died is kind of written out of history. I can understand it's painful to include someone who has died young, but my feeling is it's better to acknowledge their existence than pretend it never happened - I think that's more upsetting.

travelling, I don't think you are nuts to love and miss and want to remember your beloved child who is gone (ohhh sorry for CRAP english!). I think your kids will benefit from understanding that the death you experienced helped to shape the parent that you have become. They might not GET it as it were yet, but they will eventually.

S'pose the same is true for taking kids to any loved-one's grave. People help to mould who you are. Acknowledging that isn't weird, just important to you.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I still remember the anniversary of my dad's death, years on - not in a gloomy way just to acknowledge it and have a little think about him.

A year is not a long time to grieve and emotions are still very raw after this time. I'd at least expect friends to remember a year on that it was about this time - without everyone dwelling on it in a negative way but to celebrate his life.

I remember the days friends babies are born, their birthdays etc - I don't think its morbid to make a note of sad occasions where close friends might need some support as well.

I'm sorry for your loss.

TW-i agree with your sentiments and approach about acknowledging your son to the other dc

he was a loved family member,and naturally you want to acknowldge him. why wouldnt you?

it was a harrowing sad loss, but also a family member who you loved. family is comprised of all the members.

i will tell my lo of loved ones i have lost, show photo's etc

Thinking about it, if someone mentions it's coming up to the anniversary of something, I@m more likely to ask when exactly it is, so then I can send a text or whatever.

Grief can be a very private and personal thing, it's easy to cross a line.

travelling

I am sure you are doingthe rightthing.
I was an adult when I found out that I had an elder brother ( in very weird circumstances actually)
His death had been so dreadful for my parents that they had bever spoken f it to any of us.
Once it all came out I think they were relieved and certainly , whilst I never knew him and certyainly could not grieve for him, I was always pleased that I found out about him. It seemed right to me.

On the other hand my friend was taken with her mother to the grave of their first son and her mumk would be terribly distessed every time. My friend always found it upsetting and disconcerting.I was taken along once as well and it was quite scary to me.

I think siblings should know and of course should be aware of their parents grief but should be somewhat detatched from the grieving process if they are not naturally part of it IYSWIM.
just my opinion of course.

I must have very good friends then. I've lost both parents and even those who don't remember the actual dates are aware of what time of year they both were and always check on me, phone me still. My mum died in 1998 and my mum died in 1991!

If any of my very close friends ever lost their parents i think i would make a mental note and check they were ok on the one year anniversary, as i think one year is an important milestone and the pain is still there iykwim. So i dont think yabu to want someone close to you to acknowledge your pain, it is understandable, but not unforgivable for them to forget, and i am sure they would be sorry they did forgot if they realised, hope that makes sense.

I don't think it's weird either I think it shows what a good friend Cod is. I do the same, well I don't write it down because my mnemory is good. It's nice for people to know you're thinking of them.

*should have said my dad died in 1991 not my mum or that would mean she died twice.

Rubyrubyruby - well you might yourself one day when your mum dies and you don't recall the exact date.

My Dad's 1st anniversary was on Sat and one friend sent a bunch of flowers and another told me he'd remembered earlier in the week, but then forgot to do anything!

To be honest I didn't particularly want to mark the day (I'm not into anniversaries generally, only birthdays). So it was lovely to get the flowers, but I also wasn't bothered that my other friend forgot.

I guess people like to remember things in different ways so wouldn't necessarily think to send a message.

with respect, I think yabu. If a friend had said to me they were dreading the anniversary coming up next week or similar, I would make a point of checking in with them, but without a prompt I wouldn't assume to bring it up, assuming I even knew the date. I think if you are sensitive and appreciate some support from your friends, it is up to you to let them know what you need, as some people have suggested. Why not give one of them a ring or text and tell them how you are feeling? I am sure they would want to help, but expecting contact on the day without you having flagged it up is asking too much IMO. I would feel dreadful if I texted a friend on the anniversary of a loved one's death, and they weren't marking the day in their own mind like some posters here. With something as personal as bereavement, I think it is right to follow the cues you are given to best support someone - if you don't get a cue, I would respect the person's privacy. If that's not what you want , you need to let them know.

I'm from a large family and remember the date of my dad's funeral. My friends were lovely but none of them remembered the next year. I didn't expect them to tbh.
I spose it's different if you have a small circle of support outside of your friends. I would've liked it if they remembered the first year but wouldn't expect anything after that.
My MIL keeps going on about the death of her parents who died years ago and were very old, very ill (sorry that sounds harsh, I know) compared to my Dad who was only 60, and died unexpectedly 10 days before my wedding. I feel with her it's a competition over who has suffered the most loss.Crazy, I know.
Grief is private, but here in Ireland, death is celebrated in a lovely way. Not making much sense today am I? Just remember your dad the way you want to whether it is visiting the grave, toasting him with a drink or having a cry. It gets so much easier... hugs to you.

If they did remember that would be lovely, and very touching, but I don't think it can be expected.

I remember the date my FIL died but none of his 3 children do. Each year I say something on or around the date and they are all genuinely surprised.

I'm sorry for your loss but YABU.

Just had my most 'emotional' mate on the phone who had remembered but didn't want to intrude. The others are more self-contained emotionally but since the opinion here seems to be split about 50/ 50, you would think that half of my mates would have been on the phone today .

To be fair though, no reaction from other people would have made it any more or less difficult.

Rubyrubyruby -- I think you are being out of order. Even if you are shocked, do you think it is the right thing to do to say it to Mulanmum and the other MNetter you singled out? Seems a bit callous to me. I think Mulanmum's explanation of why she couldn't remember the date should have elicited a tail between legs emoticon, should one exist, rather than what you have said and your thinly-veiled apology.

ruby,everyone deals with grief differently.there is no manual of how to behave,what to do

try empathise that someone may chose to deal with differntly

we all try to get by any ole way, and even that does not lessen the rawness

YABU.

a little unreasonable, though can understand how you feel...my friend's mum died 3 yrs ago this month and I will remember that, but I fear it is very easy to let these things slip out of your mind.