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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get fed up with people that dump their kids at parties

142 replies

pickupthismess · 27/09/2008 23:08

Went to birthday party today (age 4) and like a mug/good parent stayed with DS. Only two other mums stayed and about 12 disappeared. It was left to us 'responsible' parents to make sure all the kids had something to eat on their plate, stop them fighting, take them to the loo etc.

Why do parents expect that the party host can serve food, run games and manage their LO? and why should I have to take my eye of my DS to watch children I don't even know

OP posts:

morocco · 27/09/2008 23:10

I don't think you 'have to'. why not try going home next time if it's winding you up?

tortoiseshell · 27/09/2008 23:11

Are they at school? My rule of thumb (and seems to be the same for most children) is pre-school - parents stay - once they're in reception they're left. So dd was left as soon as she turned 4 as she is an August birthday.

Usually one or two mums stay. But I wouldn't expect them to. I think from school onwards you expect to leave them.

saint2shoes · 27/09/2008 23:11

I always have stayed with dd as she has cp, so love the parents staying part of it all.
but I never stayed with ds unless asked to.

tortoiseshell · 27/09/2008 23:11

Bear in mind that if I 'stayed' with my children, it would involve bringing 3 children unless dh happened to be at home, which he usually isn't at a weekend, which would cause all kinds of chaos.

LynetteScavo · 27/09/2008 23:12

I didn't know mums of 4yos left them at pratied.......5 year olds maybe.

Personally I wouldn't have a 5 yo party without recruiting help, as I know the mums won't stay.

Don't the mumsnwant to stay to chat with each other? Do they have older children who weren't invited to the party.

Doodle2U · 27/09/2008 23:12

I check to see if the party organiser has a few spare adults around to help her/him. Grandma/Grandad/Aunt/Uncle etc of the birthday child. If so, I dump and run because the kids get on better when I'm NOT there! If no extra help looks obvious, I stay.

Bramshott · 27/09/2008 23:13

This is tricky because it is 'on the cusp'. By the time they are 5 everyone will leave and it will be up to the party host to do all of that or rope in enough family helpers to do it.

unknownrebelbang · 27/09/2008 23:13

We went to a party once with DS1 where the dad opened the door, whipped the children inside, and sent the parents away, telling us to come back at the specified time.

LittleBella · 27/09/2008 23:14

I never stay.

But I always ask the birthday child's mum first if she wants us to stay or go.

tortoiseshell · 27/09/2008 23:14

Tbh I really don't want to stay and chat with the other mums - I want to get home and get some housework done. Likewise I wouldn't expect anyone to stay at my children's parties. It's just taking turns I think. But as I said above, I do think the school cut off is important - they are so much more responsible for themselves once they're at school. Pre-school they can still be real babes and need their mums.

unknownrebelbang · 27/09/2008 23:14

And like TS, as a mother of three, with a DH who often works all weekend, it's not that easy when there are siblings.

Lazycow · 27/09/2008 23:15

This is a bit of a difficult one. I am just about to have ds's 4th birthday party and am dreading it a bit. Until now the parents have always stayed. From 4 years old though a lot of parents leave their children. I won't be leaving ds for a while at other parties as he really doesn't like it but it is easy for me as I only have the one. It can be hard to stay at a party if you have other children who aren't invited.

I have assumed that all parties for ds from now on will have most children left without their parents so I will need to ensure we have enough adults to keep an eye on all the children.

I think the host shpould have ensures that there were enough adults there by specifically asking some of their friends/family to stay and help.

Bramshott · 27/09/2008 23:16

As a party parent - it is MUCH easier to sort out other people's children if they are not there. It's awful to have to say "Jack please don't hit Jake and please don't rub fairy cakes into Jade's hair" if Jack's mummy is sitting right there with her cup of tea!

susia · 27/09/2008 23:16

I don't stay as when I have partys for my son I wouldn't want loads of mums hanging around. It makes double amount of work and the kids have more fun without them. Of course it's always nice to have one or two though.

TheCrackFox · 27/09/2008 23:19

I hate it when parents that I don't know stay. I always think they should just cut the umbilical cord.

pinkteddy · 27/09/2008 23:20

I was really glad that a lot of mums left their kids at dd's party. Nightmare to try and entertain them and provide food and drink for them as well!

minorbird · 27/09/2008 23:21

Aw, I stayed today with my dd (3.5) at her friends party- a 3 yo joint do with her 6 yo brother and was glad I did. I felt soooo sorry for some of the pre-schoolers, like my DD, who didn't have 'friends' as such and no family around to help them! I ended up trying to feed, accompany to toilet and keep company at least 2 little girls, one of which had come in a ott ball gown and clippy cloppy shoes and was obviously feeling very lonely indeed! And, some of the boys left alone, were being quite naughty! I'm not one to tell off other peoples children but I did have to ask them not harrass the LO and the poor magician who was swamped by 20 kids wanting balloons, whilst these scamps popped the littler ones balloons! Phew! Dont think I will be doing a DIY party myself!

hotmama · 27/09/2008 23:23

It depends on the party. My dd1 is 4 next week and at bouncy castle parties etc I stay with her - not that I necessarily need to look after her as she is off having fun with her friends - but it is nice to catch up with other parents!

I have left her at a small house party - I asked the mum first when I RSVPd - it was expected to leave her tbh - everyone else did!

TBH I always ask when I RSVP if it O.K. to stay or would it best if I didn't depends on the party.

Also, I have a younger dd2 and dp is abroad at the moment - so perhaps you need to take account of home circumstances - and you may not be aware of the circumstances.

I wouldn't expect any parent to necessarily look after my dd1 - but don't we all look out for other children anyway - I know I would and wouldn't see it as a "burden")

Lazycow · 27/09/2008 23:26

3 year olds ARE generally too young to be left at parties without a parent IMO as are most 4 year olds. I think onvce they are 5 or in school then I think they are better staying without thir parents.

StudentMadwife · 27/09/2008 23:29

I went to a party a while back with my youngest ds, it was his little friend hed been at nursery with for 15months. when i got there someone had dropped off their 20 month old and left-no contact number, no nappies-the host even had to change said childs nappy as he did a poo! I was reallythat anyone would do that!! The cheek!

Totally different story with school age though, you expect to be able to leave them. I have helped with my friends sons parties and parents have mostly stayed, but tbh there were more hinderance- boys were fighting and no-one was stepping in, after a few minutes I stepped in but it felt odd as the parents were all there.

Original poster

pickupthismess · 27/09/2008 23:32

But...to everyone who leaves their kids; they're not necessarily looked after. Like minor says I watched 4/5 years olds today who couldn't sort themselves out at 'tea' time and sat there bewildered without food or drink. I saw kids getting bullied by older ones (especially boys), had children who could't get out of their party gear and use the loo and one little girl crying and noone paying the blindest bit of attention.

Maybe we should expect more from the hostess??? When they're 7 and 8 OK but at 4/5 I just think they're not able to articulate themselves in a hectic and large group.

I was especially annoyed by one mum I barely know whop reliasing I was staying asked me to mind her child because she was going to the gym.....

OP posts:

Original poster

pickupthismess · 27/09/2008 23:33

Hmmm,I can't spell tonight!

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 27/09/2008 23:33

SMW! That is far too young IMO
If I want parents to stay I offer wine!

TheCrackFox · 27/09/2008 23:34

Well, I can assure you that any party I was hosting the kids would be looked after, and there would be enough adult helpers on hand.

unknownrebelbang · 27/09/2008 23:36

When DS1 was 4, he went to a run of 3/4 parties and was left (although kindly watched over by one or two friends - but at that point most of the other parents wouldn't have known my circumstances and no doubt judged me for dumping him).

At that time, I had a 2 year old, a baby, my mother dying in hospital, my mil dying in a hospice, plus DH working shifts.

What was the alternative? Not to allow the child to attend parties?

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