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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get fed up with people that dump their kids at parties

142 replies

pickupthismess · 27/09/2008 23:08

Went to birthday party today (age 4) and like a mug/good parent stayed with DS. Only two other mums stayed and about 12 disappeared. It was left to us 'responsible' parents to make sure all the kids had something to eat on their plate, stop them fighting, take them to the loo etc.

Why do parents expect that the party host can serve food, run games and manage their LO? and why should I have to take my eye of my DS to watch children I don't even know

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 28/09/2008 12:39

I always went back for them before I'd left the carpark . Nearly always. Well, sometimes.

unfitmother · 28/09/2008 12:39

The more I think about it, the more I consider the irresponsible person to be the party host.

Original poster

pickupthismess · 28/09/2008 21:16

WOW, I'm amazed at the etiquette of parties I've learnt since I started this thread.

However, I still stand by my original post.

Round here parents (and I mean mums and dads generally) ALWAYS stayed with their kids until this party and I don't think the hostess was expecting a mass exodus. Soup; quite a few were 'dumped' in that their parents slouched off without saying goodbye when they realised others were heading off. One little girl started crying when she realised her mum had disappeared.

and as I've been saying all through this thread, it's fine if your LO can handle themselves but when they can't....anyone leaving that child IS irresponsible unless they clearly having someone allocated to keep an eye out for them.

I agree with unfit; I've had serious second thoughts about throwing DS1 his next big party

OP posts:

handlemecarefully · 28/09/2008 21:26

I wouldn't leave my 4 year old (just started Reception) alone at a party - but that is because he is not yet comfortable with this. I am quite happy for other parents to leave their 4 year olds - many of his classmates are confident little kids (wish he was!)

Simplysally · 28/09/2008 21:27

I've always stayed at parties with my dd apart from one recently which was a house party with lots of aunties/uncles floating around and there seemed to be no expectation that we'd have to stop. It's a good chance to have a gossip with the other parents besides which I'm too lazy to sod off for a couple of hours .

andyrobo237 · 28/09/2008 21:32

Most parties we have been to are at 'venues' not homes, so I generally stay, but keep out of the way - and she usually comes to me at least once in the party. She is 6 so now getting to the age where she can be left, and I always ask her if she wants me to fgo, but she prefers me to stay. If I did go, I would make sure someone staying (or the party host) had my contact number and make her and my DD aware that I had gone.

Szyslak · 28/09/2008 21:35

You should only invite as many children as you feel you (the host) can manage and cope with.

At school age it is your responsibility.

I find it much easier to manage without the parents there. I can then take control, give instructions and keep em in line without feeling the need to defer to parents or feel I'm stepping on toes.

I usually have parties at home though, with maximum of about 12 kids.

Szyslak · 28/09/2008 21:41

I put on my invites a 'start' time and a 'pick up' time so they get the message.

A few mums with nervous children have got anxious about this and I've said of course stay if they need/want you to.

Every time though within 10 minutes child is joining in happily and spare part mum slips out, comforted, confident and with FREE TIME!!!

I think that this may be though as they are small intimate parties, some enormous loud, DJ/Disco parties can be intimidating. I think.

Also, I woudn't leave them at a soft play place, the ones near us are cavanous with 100's of kids, it would be very hard for the host to keep track of your kid in there.

Twiglett · 28/09/2008 21:44

that's about the age it's expected

let me guess the 3 parents who stayed had the 4 year old as their eldest and the 12 who disappeared had elder children?

KerryMum · 28/09/2008 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bran · 28/09/2008 21:45

After today's party I'm here to tell you that parents should always stay. I unexpectedly met LegalAlien at a party today, if I'd dropped and run I'd never have know she was there as I didn't know that her ds knew the birthday boy. (Plus the creepy animal show was fab, I have a photo of DS holding a cockroach as big as his hand. )

cupcakesinthesnow · 28/09/2008 21:45

I always make sure I have enough adult helpers (husband, grandparent/s and or friends whose kis are attending) so as i know I shall cope as don;t expect parents to stay and usually it's 50/50. I never left dss' at parties alone aged 4 though. Or aged 5 for that matter. We have parties at venues ie ski centre for ringos so its a 20 min drive which means parents will stay for a couoe of hours to save n travelling back and forth although often parents go off to nearby garden centre/restaurant for lunch. for many parents it a chance to grab an hour or so of peace to themselves which is fair enough. Althugh 4 is a bit young unless you know the parents well imo.

Blandmum · 28/09/2008 21:45

Worst case of his that I have seen is a mum who always brings her (uninvited) ds2 to birthday parties that her ds1 has been invited to.

She dumps them both and buggers off for a few hours of free child care

snarky · 28/09/2008 21:47

frankly I'd rather they buggered off

unless they're my friends, in which case I expect them to stay, drink wine, munch cakes and marshal bodies for games

bythepowerofgreyskull · 28/09/2008 21:50

We have had a few invitations for 5th birthday parties recently with "children must be accompanied by an adult" written on the bottom.

I am fine with this as I would have stayed anyway.

swedishmum · 28/09/2008 22:28

At dd3's 4th birthday I think 3 or 4 parents stayed - I didn't expect them to but it's always handy to have a couple of extra hands when the food comes out! I did have mil and my 3 (considerably older) children on hand though. I usually just leave dd - though always check with host what they want me to do. I think with dd all the children know each other and all parents pretty well through pre-school.
As long as children are toilet trained and happy to be left I don't see a problem - it's up to the host to organise help.

NotCod · 28/09/2008 22:29

THEN BE SEPCIFIC ON THE INVITATION
HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOU CANT HANDLE THE KIDS YOU INVITE

KerryMum · 28/09/2008 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunnydelight · 29/09/2008 08:59

Around here everyone stays (kids are turning 5 but still at pre-school), and everyone knows that that is the expectation. Last weekend there was a party on the beach which was a real "bring the family" occasion. DH was keeping an eye on DD while I chatted to other mums over a glass of wine, when I looked down the beach I saw a kid that looked vaguely familiar, happily splashing naked in the sea. Apparently one of the mums had "dropped and run" but hadn't actually told anyone

MollyCherry · 29/09/2008 09:12

Just had dd's 4th birthday party a couple of weeks ago. 3 adults and 1 teenage official helpers and 10 3/4 year olds. All but 2 mums stayed and needless to say the kids of the absent mums were one v. quiet 3 1/2 year old with less than brilliant speech, and one v. boisterous nearly 5 year old girl who fell off the swing and banged her head within 30 seconds of her mum dropping her off. I'm not that relaxed with 'strange' kids (these 2 were from nursery not our mates children), and to be honest the whole experience has totally put me off having another full blown party next year. Luckily DD has already decided she wants a girls only party next year so fingers crossed will be able to get away with Saturday morning pictures and pizza hut for 4!

MollyCherry · 29/09/2008 09:14

sunnyd - that's horrendous!

cory · 29/09/2008 09:15

If one teacher and one TA can make sure that these kids get what they need at school during the whole day, and if a couple of dinner ladies can supervise a whole school of hundreds of children during lunchtime- then why can't one party-organising parent with one helper do the same?

If leaving your 4yo to the care of the party organiser is irresponsible, as the OP claims- does that mean we are irresponsible leaving them at school too? Or are parents always that much more incompetent? It would be a sad day when dh and I couldn't feed half a class worth of 4yos and keep them organised. It's just a question of planning ahead.

peanutbutterkid · 29/09/2008 09:22

I wouldn't leave my DSs under 6yo alone at a party (well, I would try hard not to), because they get pushy/physical when they get emotional, and being 4-5yo, they get emotional quite often. Under 6yo DD didn't want me to leave, wasn't confident enough to be left alone.

Please can someone tell me where these parties are where the hosts provide wine for the parents?! I must be living in the wrong part of the country .

bossykate · 29/09/2008 09:23

so cory your parties are as much fun as school then

bythepowerofgreyskull · 29/09/2008 09:26

Cory - IMO there is a HUGE difference between a child being at school and being at a party.

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