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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get fed up with people that dump their kids at parties

142 replies

pickupthismess · 27/09/2008 23:08

Went to birthday party today (age 4) and like a mug/good parent stayed with DS. Only two other mums stayed and about 12 disappeared. It was left to us 'responsible' parents to make sure all the kids had something to eat on their plate, stop them fighting, take them to the loo etc.

Why do parents expect that the party host can serve food, run games and manage their LO? and why should I have to take my eye of my DS to watch children I don't even know

OP posts:

Original poster

pickupthismess · 27/09/2008 23:38

hotmama; I do see it as a burden. I too had no DH with me today and had my other LO with me and it's enough trouble watching my two.

It's v different with a house party but round here everyone has parties in 'venues'. Hosts seem to spend time in the kitchen or sorting out a sundry game of pass the parcel. But they're certainly not watching the kids properly.

OP posts:

susia · 27/09/2008 23:38

yes but the adults create work! you have to offer them all drinks and then take up loads of space!

Theres no way I could have had 15 children in our house PLUS 15 parents! OMG it would have turned into chaos.

pucca · 27/09/2008 23:40

My dd has a party tomorrow and the mum has said on the invites we can stay if we like or no probs if we want to leave them, dd will definately mix better if i am not there so i will be leaving her, i think it is fine if the parent of the birthday child doesn't mind, cheeky if it has not mentioned prior though imo.

Original poster

pickupthismess · 27/09/2008 23:41

unknown, sorry to hear about your circumstances. However, I think they'd be unusual. Quick straw poll of what parents were doing today, shopping, watching football, gym, going to a cafe for lunch and "having the afternoon off". Seemed to me that most were just dumping their kids without a second thought to their welfare.

OP posts:

stitch · 27/09/2008 23:41

if someone is hosting a party for kids, then they should be able to look after them properly. if they want the parents around, then they should be invited. if they want extra help, then they should ask for it.
i think it is incredibly rude to expect parents to stay, and help, without having specifically invited them. andif youcant take care of the thirty odd children you have invited, then dont invite them.

solidgoldbrass · 27/09/2008 23:43

So far I have stayed with DS but he has been 3 (just turned 4) and at the first couple of parties he went to he was still in nappies and I didn't think it was fair to expect someone else to change him if necessary. Also, all these 4th birthday bashes, nearly alll the parents stayed anyway. Now he is 4 I will ask, the next time we get an invite, if parents are expected to stay or go.

stitch · 27/09/2008 23:43

nonsense.
the kids were invited to a party. it is expected that if they are invited, then they will be taken care of adequately. if the hosts cannot take care of them adequately, then they should either also invite the parents along. or not do the party in the first place.

TheCrackFox · 27/09/2008 23:44

My Dh is a chef and gets a massive 4 Saturdays off a year, so unless they invite both my boys then I have to dump and run. A lot of mums are single or DHs works odd shifts and they have no family help.

susia · 27/09/2008 23:44

I never want to stay at parties either. My son recently went to one at a leisure centre. I asked if they wanted me to stay and they said no, so I went for a swim then a coffee at the same leisure centre. It was great!

Original poster

pickupthismess · 27/09/2008 23:45

stitch you're quite right.

I think though that to date every party I've been to nearly every parent has stayed (as I say these aren't house parties which are altogether different - and who would want all those people in your house??). Now and then one parent would leave the child and everybody would tut tut because inevitably that child would be nothing but trouble.

I'm not sure the hosts today realised everyone was going to suddenly bugger off. I think some started it and then others thought 'ok I'm off too'!

OP posts:

unknownrebelbang · 27/09/2008 23:48

Well, yes, it was a little unusual.

Having said that, ime, most of the party hosts have been quite relaxed about whether or not parents stayed and have usually made arrangements with either their own family or particular parent/friends to help out.

Occasionally, some invites stipulate that help is required (eg swimming parties) which i think is fair enough.

TheCrackFox · 27/09/2008 23:48

But I thought most 4 year olds in England (I'm in Edinburgh) were at school anyway. They must be slightly independent, no? Might not want their parents cramping their style.

hotmama · 27/09/2008 23:49

I wouldn't expect to "mind" other children if I stayed at a party but I would look out for another child- even if the parent was there.

TBH, most of the parties I have been to have either had grandparents etc there so there would be enough adults anyway - if anything parents get in the way a bit - but it depends on the child. I would expect the hosts to ensure there was enough supervision.

My dd1 is an "old" nearly 4 but not all of her peers are!

Can't believe a parent leaving a 20 month old whatever the reason.

Suppose it is very subjective to what is a "right" age!

Anifrangapani · 27/09/2008 23:52

If I want parents to stay, I make sure there is plenty of champagne and coctails. it does have it's drawbacks because there are some parents I wish would piss off...... thier kids are annoying enough. Unfortunately word has got round that there is a good Parent party going on at our house, so it is a case of gatecrashers being turned away.

Original poster

pickupthismess · 27/09/2008 23:52

My DS is no way independent; he was quite frightened by all these children he didn't know running around like mad things. Anyway, we remaining two stayed well in the background but ended up helping children who came to us or who were obviously unhappy. Plus clearing up!

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Lazycow · 28/09/2008 00:26

This is quite a problem really for us . We have no family who live close enough to help out so the adults I can count on are dh and myself. I then have to ask a few friends who are bringing their children if they will stay and help. I of course will reciprocate by helping at their parties.

Ds has to have venue parties because we live in a small 2 bed flat and couldn't have more than 2 -3 children mazimum - even that would be a squeeze.

nappyaddict · 28/09/2008 00:33

is 3 too young to leave?

Janni · 28/09/2008 00:38

If you are confident that your LO will be fine without you, you ask the host 'do you want me to stay?'. If the host says no and you trust them, you leave. Enough of all this martyrish behaviour. The person organising the party is responsible for ensuring there are enough adults to look after the children. Sure, there will be some children who are not confident enough to be left at 4 but there are plenty who are and I don't see why parents should be expected to stay just so that others don't feel put upon.

ShyBaby · 28/09/2008 01:01

Oh I really wanted to dump dd at the last party she attended. (She was 4.5). I went in and asked the mum what everyone was doing, she said something like "oh well XXXX's mum isnt here but most of the others are, you dont have to stay but we'd love you to". (guilt, guilt).

Twas a nightmare. I hated every minute of those two hours. They were all very posh alpha mummies and there I was, jeans and T shirt, like a sore thumb. Dd clung to my leg and wouldn't join in with anything...I have a sneaking suspicion that she would have been fine without me as once when I went to the loo she ran out to play a party game and as soon as she saw me, ran back and clung to my leg again.

I really hope we aren't invited next year.

Lazycow · 28/09/2008 01:08

Nappyaddict - Yes I think 3 is too young to leave on their own in most cases. If you leave them with another adult they know who is specifically responsible for them )for instance a friend who agrees to to look out for them) that is probably OK.

I suppose ds had been invited to a lot of parties through nursery where I have never met the parents AND where he might only know a couple of the children there. In that case I would certainly not leave him on his own until he was 4/5 yrears old even if the party was in a private house. If the inviting parents did not want parents to stay they shouldn't have invited the 3 year old of soemone they don't know to a party at their home.

SmugColditz · 28/09/2008 01:35

I wouldn't have a party I couldn't handle on my own, why the fuck would you?

chipmonkey · 28/09/2008 01:56

Sometimes you might think you can handle it and then it turns out that the local ruffians ds1's friends are too much to handle!

Chocolateteapot · 28/09/2008 07:45

A friend and I had a party for our 5 year olds yesterday. We did have enough people to cope if parents went but encouraged them to stay as we thought it would be a good chance for people to get to know each other seeing as they have all just started reception. 3 went and the rest stayed - some had previously asked if they could stay as their child wanted them to.

All the children behaved brilliantly and the parents kindly pitched in with clearing up and got to know each other a bit better which was lovely. I made sure that anyone sitting on their own didn't stay that way for long as there were a couple of people who are quite shy . We had some extra spaces and party bags for younger siblings so they were very welcome to join in.

As far as we could tell it went very well and I do hope there weren't too many parents hating it. Next year I will expect parents to want to bugger go but every one will know each other much better by then.

Ripeberry · 28/09/2008 10:54

I still stay at parties even though it may be a party for 6yr olds, mainly because DD2 is only 3 and i have to stay for her.
Last year i took DD1 to her friends 5th birthday party and intended to dump and run.
But then my neighbour comes along and asks me to keep an eye on her son! And bring him back later.
Had to tell her it would be a bit impossible as i came on a bicycle with DD1 but we could walk back (just under a mile away).
That threw her a bit and she just went and collared someone else.

Ripeberry · 28/09/2008 10:56

Just be glad we don't live in France. The kids parties can go on for 2-3hours and the parents are NOT allowed to stay (or they don't seem to) .
My friend who lives over there is quite shocked that they do this with pre-schoolers as well.

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